Gone with the Sunrise

how many days will it take for these blues to go away?
when will my heart finally be whole again?
inside of my mind all i have is unanswered questions.
inside my heart there's unrequited love.
i'm searching for solutions to all the above.

he seduces me with his hazel eyes
and husky voiced phrases, like you're beautiful.
it's everything i wanted to hear,
but the doubts still call out, he's a liar.
they're all liars.
i need him to keep the pain at bay,
but he won't be here forever.
he's like all the others, gone with the sunrise.

when will i be loved for who i am?
what am i doing wrong with all these men?
why can't i sustain a relationship with them?
am i that broken?
my mind swirls and twirls over every failed attempt at happily ever after.
my heart is a blank open book.
i'm searching for resolutions to all the above.

he winks at me and grins while he kisses my neck.
charm and sweetness are dripping from his tongue.
he's handsome and smooth.
he says he's different, not to worry, he's sticking around.
i love the script he's reading from, but my fears are on high alert.
he's lying.
they'll say anything to get laid.
i only want him so i can spend one less night alone.
he won't be here forever.
he's like all the others, gone with the sunrise.

so'm i'm still asking questions that hurt.
i still want answers, but know they won't come easily.
change and i aren't well aquainted.
but i know true love doesn't happen on your own.
so i'll go through a million sunrises if that's what it takes to get it right!

The Day After

i'm working so hard to get you off of my mind.
here i am staring out the window,
trying to force the clouds to not look like you.
if this is letting go, then what's holding on?
i've got to severe this hold you have on me
before it's the end of me.

the day after you left me i screamed and i cried.
i threw your stuff in the trash.
i ripped up all the pictures and tried to burn the happy times into ash.
the day after i said i'm over you i'm still lonely.

i'm dating and dancing at the bars.
i'm drinking and eating myself merry.
i'm hoping to fall in love with Scott tonight.
i'm thinking i've finally found the man to spend all my nights with.
it's all the hope i have to believe i can love again.

the day after i slept with Scott he still hasn't called.
i start wondering if i was wrong.
he seemed to be the right guy, but it's been so long,
i don't trust my own feelings anymore.
the day after i said who cares if he calls i'm still lonely.

is this how the rest of my life is going to be?
lonely and cold,
lonely and old,
i don't want to be desperate.
the day after tomorrow i'll get back out there.
i'll climb out of bed and try again.
the only hope i have left is that i'm able to fall in love again.

Almost 40

happy birthday to me.

it's easy to see i'm as miserable as can be.
there's no one waiting to dance with me.
i see today as another day in one more year alone.

happy happy birthday to me.

you know i'm a lonely person.
i push and kick myself down all the time.
how i made it this far baffles all.

happy happy happy birthday to me.

just call me a pessimistic bitch.
my life has no shine in it anymore.
all i ever do is complain about every little glitch.

happy happy happy happy birthday to me.

oh, by the way, i got a two cards this year.
and my kid called for money and said, oh, happy birthday,
like she had forgotten me.

happy birthday to me.

i've gone crazy trying to fit into a world that won't accept me.
i'm exhausted from trying to get ahead.
i know it's an uphill battle, it always has been.

happy happy birthday to me.

yeah, what a fucking fabulous birthday for me.
i wrote this poem four years ago and nothing has changed.
i'm beating myself up for the same old shit.

happy happy happy birthday to me.

next year i'll be 40.
i've been stuck on the past burning time like trash.
almost is always the norm.

happy happy happy happy birthday to me.
the men have changed.
the hurt remains the same.
i guess i'm the one that is to blame.

Rain Rain Go Away

it's raining outside,
it's pouring in my mind.
gray, black, and white splashes of ominous emotions float quickly through me.
who was i to you?

scenes in my head play out like a black comedy.
i played your game without the rules.
i lost.
are you amused?

knowing me like you thought you did,
you never guessed i'd hit the fan.
i couldn't keep from talking.
yeah, i ran my damn mouth.
it amazes me how long i kept it shut,
that's how much i loved you until you broke my heart.

the air is cooling down like my desire for you.
the passion has burnt itself out.
i've gone no where but i never hear from you.
do you think about me anymore?

i've taken all the pain and wrote it down.
i've filled hundreds of pages and it keeps coming.
i should put them in a book and send it to your woman.
would that piss you off?

you always called me crazy.
you always lectured me on who to be.
i wasn't good enough for you.
i would never be her.
i should've known i'd be the one dumped on my ass.
but i kept loving you until you broke my heart.

I Dare You

i avoid real emotion when i can.
it's not hard if you try.
i use my empty bottles to countdown my life.
make me live, come on and do it!
i dare you.

i dance side to side then in a little circle.
i have no idea why.
it is what it is and that's what i do.
i'm not happy.
the sad is all too real.
love has left me deaf, dumb, and blind,
what has love done to you?

colors have become as bland as i am.
i'm washed out.
my apathy swells to ranges only reached by a blue robed choir.
my eyes are damp with teas that never get cried.
i'd tell you a secret but it would just be a lie.

i spin around my living room falling over furniture like a total spaz.
i've got no reason to tell you why i do these things.
if i could act normal i wouldn't bother to try.
my little quirks keep me entertained.
what enterains you on a rainy depression soaked day?

surrounded by people i am unattached.
i got a birthday coming up real quick.
makes me think i've accomplished shit.
oh, well, at least there's no where else to go.

i lay flat on the floor.
i'm sprawled out trying to fill up this small room.
i'm attempting to send a pulse down every nerve.
but i'm not feeling anything at all.
this is perfect numbness.

i could try to remember all the ones i've loved.
but the losses are all i can recall.
my veins run cold with the ice of death's breath.
i hear the chanting of their ghosts singing me a sweet note.

sing to me, sing to me, sing to me, sing to me
sing to me, sing to me, sing to me, sing to me please
i miss your voices
i miss having choices
tell me to breathe, i dare you!

Go Ahead and Scream

i have to sleep if i'm going to church.
i have to think even if it hurts.
one little ache echoes throughout my nervous system.
i fall wounded but aware onto my bed where i no longer care.

turn a trick to pay the rent.
it's nothing without love.
i find God in my heart but hate in my thoughts.
there's no more excuses to buy me more time.

dreaming of portals to take me back in time.
undo some mistakes, take some chances i didn't take.
learn if i would still be here and if i'd still cry.
what if i live better in another dimension?
could i swap out the old for the new?
put into circulation an upgrade of me that everyone wants to love.

confusion bends my eyes to see flaws and discrepancies everywhere.
i don't balance my checkbook.
i hate all the fees when i come out red,
it is such a horrible color for me.

space is a vacuum of darkness,
go ahead and scream, no one hears it out there
and down here no one cares.
so take the sharpest thought you got,
stab at the world's toughest problems.
save the poor, feed the pot bellied children,
go and fight a war thousands of years in the making.
the weapons are vastly improved, but the games still dirty.

i can't stay on one subject for too long.
i zig then i zag.
i look at every price tag.
i can't find what it is i'm looking for.
the catalogs and web sites only want me to buy more.

this is unknown territory for me,
but i fearlessly march right into it.
a stick or a bullet can kill.
i fight battles that aren't real.
my spirit is starved from lack of inspirational prose,
so i'll got to bed so i can go to church tomorrow
and find the purpose i lost long ago.

Snow Flurries

winter nights with the frost on the grass
and the ice on the trees reminds me of the coldness inside of me.
my soul is covered in frost.
my heart has turned into ice.
and in my darker moods i want to go outside,
in the dead quiet of the night,
in my bare feet praying the cold will transfer from me to the frozen ground.
let the winter steal the cold right out of my bones.

after three decades in the same state,
you'd think the seasons would be predictable by now,
but southwest Ohio leaves me still guessing.
maybe that's why i never tried to leave.
the weather here shifts as quickly as my moods.
i sense we share a fate, but i don't know the details.
one day i'll understand everything.

like snow flurries i come down the people i love,
unexpectedly, quick to yell and then i'm gone.
the hurt inflicted upon them unregistered in me.
i can't control these erratic spikes of frustration and anger.
the person closest to me gets bombarded the most.
she's the bravest kid in the world to live with me.
both of us never know who i'll be one minute from the next.

i'm so bored with therapy and self-help books.
the same mundane subject repeats.
i feel like banging my head against a wall of pointed sharp spikes.
that's me babes i love to maximize my pain.
the outside will be covered in pure white snow soon.
i wondered if some high coke head has ever tried to snort snow,
thinking the world has suddenly been covered in cocaine?
their wet dream come true, that would be funny to me.
would it be funny to you?

winter nights always remind me of how cold i've become,
so i let the snow flurries come!

Home

when my whole world flips upside down
and the rain won't stop pounding on my windows
there's only one place i've ever felt safe
i want to go home

when i'd sit out back on the grass
watching the clouds as they passed
i couldn't think of a better place to be
this warm loving home that surrounded me

time brings about changes
some i could never have foreseen
the holes left in me get filled up
when i come home to see you

the skies are always clear
the stars shine so bright
the soundtrack is the beauty of the night
how i've forgotten how i loved being home
in the white house on the corner
in the middle of no where

when you'd toss me in the air
so high i'd actually thought i'd fly
when i'd cry and she'd dry my tears as she smiled
it was a gift from heaven that sweet home of mine

dare i call it perfect
no, nothing is
but i will commit to record
i wouldn't change a thing about it
because i've been searching since i left it
for another place to call home
and nothing has ever topped it

i want to go home

Until I Don't Need You

you leave me unmoved.
i listen to your passionate pleas and i don't feel a damn thing.
i shove you down and kick you for no reason.
your tears make me angry.
your i'm sorry's whip up a cold breeze inside my heart.
if you really loved me you would have stayed.
i don't need anyone.
i don't need you.

the reasons unfold like a plot in a murder mystery i've see a 1,000 times before.
your charms can't heal my broken heart.
there's no do over.
you took until i had nothing left to give.
i'm bankrupt so leave.
you are nothing to me.
i don't need anyone.
i don't need you.

i steal the moments of solitude and collect my thoughts.
i have only 1/2 of me to live off of now.
your betrayal eclipsed my days of happiness.
i'd shoot you dead if i believed it would undo all this misery you brought upon me.
i don't need anyone.
i don't need you.

i need to heal.
i need to cry.
i need to eat.
i need a quick fix to get by.
i need fire.
i need love.
i need feelings.
i need to smile.

you God Damn fucking son of a bitch!

i need to forget.
give me all the booze and bottles of pills you can get.
God help me, i won't quit until i don't need you.
i'll self-medicate.
i'll self-destruct.
i'll burn my fucking self down to the God Damn ground.
i won't stop until i don't need you.

For You

i'd run a marathon for you.
i'd give up crying for you.
for you i'd walk through fire.
tell me what you want me to do?
i'm no psychic.
i'm tied up in mental knots.
anything and everything is on the line.
just open your heart and say you're mine.

i've swallowed my pride.
i took my love and threw it to you on a line.
please give me a respite from my lonely nights.
hold up and stand down, just tell me you love me.

i'd lose 50 pounds for you.
i'd give up lying for you.
for you i'd walk naked through town.
tell me what i can do for you?
i can't get the right answer from you.
play the cards straight up
anything and everything is on the line.
just open you heart and say you're mine.

my heart is racing.
i've taken all my eggs and put them in your basket.
please hold me every night.
stop and see me, just say you love me.

Love's Sunset

love leaves only victory etched upon the youthful follies the old love to remember.
the flame burns red hot like it does at the beginning of anything exciting and new,
but time brings differences and doubts.
the flame turns blue and cold to the touch until you notice the flame has gone out
and you don't love her anymore.

we move slowly like the snail when we don't want to change, but we know change is coming.
a tornado of broken promises, angry words, and thousands of tears rip lover's hearts apart.
go stand outside to watch the sun setting on your love.

she's picking apart every memory.
she wants to know the exact moment you fell out of love with her.
you have nothing to say as you pack your suitcase.
she automatically repacks all your things nice and neat.

life with her was perfect, familiar, and clean.
but with routine comes boredom and with boredom the yearning to stray to find entertainment elsewhere.
still, you will fondly think of her every time you put on your favorite t-shirt she bought you.
she's hoping you will miss her and come back,
but you both know you never look back.

we move like molasses in winter time when life throws us a curve ball.
you don't love her.
God knows you tried too.
you ignored the signs.
her eyes have filled up with tears.
your heart is full of fears.
you didn't want to hurt her, but you still are here.

the sun has set and you've run out of love to give her.
so you climb into your beloved yukon
and back out into the freedom of the unknown.
for some odd reason she waves goodbye.
a voice in your head whispers she'll be alright.

she waits until the car is out of sight.
she goes back inside and sits down.
finally she gives a huge sigh of relief
thank God i never had to tell him i didn't love him anymore.

My Exorcism

cast out the demons with holy water
leave the blood dripping from my eyes
bury me alive
catch my killer
i saw her in the reflection of the butcher knife
she looked just like me except for her eyes
her eyes were wild and crazy
she's bitter and hurt
she stabbed me almost 100 times right through my heart
until she collapsed from exhaustion

life was supposed to be a party full of presents, cake, and laughter
what i got never crossed my mind, but here it is
my misery colors my eyes midnight blue
i'll sneak out to the back so y'all can get on with my exorcism

throw me to the sharks one piece at a time
the blood smells like burnt flesh
as it dries on my hands i begin to understand
i'll never be safe from myself
one day i'll successfully kill me
only i could cut right through my own heart with one sure stroke
i'm angry and hurt
i want to pull apart my two sides
let the good happy side of me free
and bury the depressed angry me alive so i can hear her screams

life was supposed to be a party
but no on invited me
so i drink alone everyday
i'm not sleeping.
the blood shot eyes, the pill bottles everywhere,
i'm out back listening to y'all's happy chatter
wondering how long this attempted exorcism will last

I Forget or Shallow Pool

a waterfall of tears rain down my cheeks into my shallow pool of emotions.
i've been doing construction to rebuild the good soldier.
i used to be able to go 24/7 and not let life slow me down
and i never brokedown to cry.
although i'm lost, people look at me with hope in their eyes.
i need to get better at hiding how sick i've become.

auction off my soul to the lowest ebay bidder.
there's nowhere to go but down.
i hit the bottom and i keep digging into the stone of my heart.
i forget all the time what once was mine.
like you. like her. like happiness.
i forget it all so easily.

the trappings of success are seductively soft.
i want just to want.
my own desires a mirror of what i see on the tv set.
i don't know what i want because you haven't told me yet.
i can't finish...

pick up what's left of my smile.
it used to light up the world.
now i've metamorphosised into despair wrapped up in layers of lies.
i'm scared i'll let go and loose control.
i'm too destructive to be in the public eye.
if i were a rabid dog i'd been euthanized for everyone's safety by now.

burnt beyond recognition, i try to pass for a humane human being.
the clock tells me time is running out.
the calendar marks off the days until my final performance.
i always overstay my welcome.
i crash into lives uninvited.
i already tried to be someone i'm not.
it's just time for me to stop!

Okay or Water Drenched Cells

as the years begin to accelerate beyond any speed yet accomplished by mankind,
i feel the failures have only just begun.
my cynical eyes see faults in everyone and on everything.
i've gone from oblivious to hyper-observant.
trust is no longer a welcomed currency,
like the tumbling US dollar,
it's not something i want make deals with.

bow your head to pray.
be thankful God has abandoned us.
He truly is wise.
the plan's he had have been destroyed by his own creations.
so many questions are fueled by the insane passions of faith.
i think the scales are tilting toward are own destruction.

love with your entire being.
use every water drenched cell wrapped in billions of packages to conquer your demons.
we come in every shape, color and size.
i'm unable to fathom why we aren't as unique as we like to think we are.
connect me to my sedative and pour my whisky neat.
i don't want to feel anything else tonight.
i don't want to debate if you are wrong or right.

close, closer, closest.
move silently beyond your closed state of mind.
shut the door to opportunity.
quit the progress and stow the hope in the overhead compartment.
it's a bumpy ride, but we love to fly high without leaving the ground.
i visit my friendly neighborhood pharmacist to make it okay.
it'll be okay.
i'm tired of trying to be important or special.
i'm going for okay with only a few addictions.
i'm reaching out to just be okay.
okay?
okay!
okay.

End of My Rainbow

my depression is absolute.
i see ghosts all around me.
the ghost of who i thought i'd be is drinking tea.
the ghost of who i was before you died is eating for me.
the ghosts of those i loved but lost are laughing at the tv.
i'm haunted all the way to my soul.
these so called cures aren't worth their side effects.
i thought myself to doom.
i believed i would be immune.
my ignorance bum rushed me and i finally saw i died years ago.

there is a distortion in the sound surrounding me.
i'm always off key.
i want the resurrection promised on the blood of the savior lost to me.
i repent for all my sins in this moment of self-loathing.
it doesn't matter if i got caught,
i'm still punishing myself in my head.
i want freedom from my flesh.
i need will power to be able to do what is best.
the road is so clear, but i fell into the potholes on the way there.
i see what i want and what i need the most are one and the same.
love keeps me chasing all those ghosts.

i demand to know who made all the rules.
i suffer at the end of my rainbow in silence.
there's no treasure or gold.
where is my soul mate?
the yin to my yang doesn't exist.
the inspiration on every cheesy poster, t-shirt and selfhelp book has crucified my heart.
i'm being taunted by every hand holding, smiling, and laughing couple.
the damn ghosts of relationships past won't let me be.
i haven't forgotten that happiness used to exist within me.
i always thought there was something better around the corner,
but it's been a fruitless search.
when you're dead inside there is no happy ending.

Quietly I Watch You

quietly i watch you talk to me
the way your mouth moves amazes me
the smell of your cologne envelopes me
you think i'm listening
but i'm lost in your essence
your mere presence dazzles me

quietly i watch you eat
the way you suck on your lemon from your tea entrances me
the meat you chew so vigorously reminds me of your passion
you catch me looking at you
so you wink at me and mutter yum good
your whimsy makes me want to dance for you

quietly i watch you sleep
the way you mumble and smile amuses me
the heat off your body arouses me
you roll over and spoon me
i nuzzle in deeper i can't get enough of you
your manhood pressed against me takes my breath away

quietly i watch you walk
the way you swagger makes me want to grab your ass
the confidence you project makes me swoon
you look over your shoulder and say, like what you see,
i laugh and say every damn day babe!
your the only man i want to keep

quietly i watch you laugh
the way you embrace life entertains me
the playful demeanor you have captivates me
you pick me up and twirl me around
we both end up on the ground
your the one for me!

Beautiful November Day

it's a beautiful november day.
the world is spinning and people are living.
all around me there is life thriving.
i sit back.
i try to unwind and relax.
i want to ease these angry thoughts out of my mind.
i close me eyes and breathe deep and slow.
my search for calm begins to work.

my headache isn't pounding as hard now.
a little snowflake of hope is drifting around my soul.
it's getting colder outside but i am feel some warmth in my heart.
a precious moment of serenity has arrived.
i welcome the break.
i needed it.
disappointment let me be.

i've locked the heartache in a drawer labeled mistakes.
i've put my love on the highest shelf.
it's best to keep it there for now.
it's too soon to be handing out what hurts too much when things don't work out.
my sleep is all messed up.
my dreams are confusing to me.
the night brings my depression down hard on me.
i want the sun to never set.

my mind longs for a new man to obsess upon.
it's an addiction that's too easy to fuel.
i want real love.
someone i can touch.
not just a fantasy that disappears with the dawn.
i've never captured true love.
to be honest the concept baffles me.
how two people can meet and determine this the person for me to love.
i've always let desire and chemistry guide the way to who i wanted.
maybe that's why after a couple of months i get bored.

next time no sex until it's been a couple of months.
i have to stop rushing around like someone on meth.
i need to uncover the patience that has to be in me somewhere.
i can dream of all the happy endings i want,
but i'll be lonely forever if i can't make love last.

yes, it is a beautiful november day.
there's still enough time and a little bit of hope in me
that there's someone in this world for me to love.

Two

my lips shine and taste divine.
my eyes are luminous and grey.
my hands are soft and smell of cherry blossoms.
what more do you want from me?

my heart beats faster.
my body shivers.
my whole being quivers from your touch.
what more do you need me to do?

passion has been chemically enhanced.
all the props have been placed.
the sensual vibe fills the room.
the two of us and one big bed.
one plus one equals us two entwined as one.

your 5 o'clock shadow against my neck.
your lips lightly brushing mine.
your hands gliding up over my hips.
i can't get enough of you.

the hunger in your hazel eyes.
your tongue dancing with mine.
your body pressing into me.
i can't get enough of you.

passions satisfied with one big bang.
the heat begins to fade.
the candles have burned down.
silence and heavy breathing remain.
the phones are ringing.
reality is invading our world of two.

good bye.
good luck.
maybe we'll see each other next month, maybe not.

The Last Night

you rock my world with every touch.
i'm so lucky to be with you.
your smile takes my day from dark to light.
your love lifts me up.

there's nothing i wouldn't do with you.
the last night you took me up too high
and now i'm crashing so hard!
you wind me up but you never cool me down.

i never know when you'll come around.
my heart dances to the tune of your tongue.
your heat is spreading through me rapidly.
i need you to take me suddenly.
our physical contact borders on the violent,
but i can't stop you and you won't stop yourself.

Reverse Psychology

men and the mysteries of love
i've never given up the search
my life a cornacopia of sad love songs
all my intelligence led me astray
i forgot when looking for love
you have to think with your heart

my brain interfers every time
i'm an eyeore down to my core
i sit and wait for my house to fall down
you get the worse when you expect it
i can't feel but i can see
he wasn't what i needed
no man has ever been
because he doesn't know the answer
to that same question i keep askin'

magic and astrology are for fools
i still hope for a miracle
but i'm a skeptic
my lovers read off like rides at a carnival
each brought me a little thrill
but they all packed up and left
leaving no trace they were ever here

my brain meddles every time
i'm a cynic of the worst kind
i know i'll get hurt
so i find men that will let me down
if you go up you got to come down
and all i think about is me
i'm so wrong and right
i love men and i love to hurt

Winter's Wind

i look inside of you, you have a heart so cold i cry for you;
because i know tears will never fall from your eyes.
hold your hands up to your face
and feel the cold of the winter's wind against your skin,
it's like the slap of your rejection,
that's how it felt to me when you broke my heart.

high above on my medically induced cloud nine i reflect upon this journey with you.
i wanted too little.
you wanted too much.
we never could agree on anything.

broken down.
broken hearted.
i'm broken inside and out.
i had my cracks before you came, but now i'm broken apart from this pain.

i've greived a little too long for something i never really wanted.
i had some spirit left, just enough to cover up the lies.
it worked, until the secret grew bigger then me
and took a life of its own.
all i could do was wait for the explosion.

now i'm still cleaning up the aftermath
and the winter's wind has come again.
its sting to my exposed flesh reminds me of you.
it's as if your hurtful and abusive mouth never left.

i have have to move on or I'll never get out of this mess.
i thought you were gone forever,
but you're still a pain in my ass with hateful emails full of threats.
i guess the games aren't over for you yet.
you were always a sore loser;
that's the only thing about you i know for sure is true.

i'm tired of my doubts.
i'll burn them and your memory once the divorce goes through.
maybe out there somewhere there's a better one for me.
i'm thinking about him i wonder if he's thinking about me.
hell, i'd rather be with anyone but you.

i'm chasing these ghosts of you away.
i toss them out my door and let the winter's wind carry them back to you.
i'm done being your fool.

Clean and Clear or Sunday's Call

sweet child of God raise your sleeping eyes,
hear my holy spirit urging you to rise
and begin the day with my son by your side.
come to me in your place of worship.
you'll find peace inside the chaos of your mind.
my promises are uncompromised for you to receive your blessings just drop your guard.
all will be clear when you surrender to my love.

walk into my arms sweet child of mine.
the sins repented through your sorrowful tears.
let the fear go.
i am in every beat of your heart.
walk into my arms sweet daughter of mine.
all will be clean for you again.

you are not unworthy to ascend to the heavenly gates.
intelligence and science are of the tactile world.
there's no place in faith for statistics and facts.
only love can lead you through all the temptations.
all will be clear when you surrender to my love.

carry me in your every thought.
wait for me to guide you.
the voice of my spirit is soft yet firm.
focus on that solace and put your doubts onto my shoulders.
feel again daughter of mine.
feel your joyous salvation.
all will be clean again for you.

amen, amen, amen!
be blessed.
pray.
read my words every day and go to church.
this will heal your fractured heart,
whirlwind thoughts and tormented soul.
it's simple.
all will be clear once you surrender to my love.

Glory, Money and Applause

i am a fake.
i copy what's around me.
i take in what i hear and throw it up butchered into what i believe to be my own thoughts.
as i listen to a song, i take a line or an idea to twist into my own verse.
i am a sponge.

i want to believe i'm a creative force undiscovered in the literay world.
a diamond waiting to be cut and polished to shine;
then put out for display with a huge markup.
my value assessed.
my artistic prowess confirmed.
but i just reiterate what i myself am unable to create.

i want the glory.
i want the money.
i want the critical beatings and the audience applause.
yet i will never see anything but lawsuits, court rooms, and heads shaking in disappointment.

i made up every word.
true or not, i heard it in my thoughts.
i grabbed it and wrestled it onto paper.
i pat myself on the back for my accomplishment.
but then i read somewhere that what i have has already been done.

i'm in deep into my mental disorder.
i saw him go from poor me to hearts dancing in his eyes.
love sweet love offers me a rest from the daily frustrations of my own life.
but he tells me he's not real.
another figment of my imagination floats away.

i am a fake.
i will never be published, but i will be heard someday.
maybe all this will end up in the dumpster when i die.
after i'm gone there's no guarentee these words will live on.
i am a sponge.

Marching Forward

from new paris to eaton to middletown to monroe to liberty township to canal winchester has been the path of my yellow brick road.
step to the rhythm of the FM radio, i fell deep into the credit card mania.
got swept away on a wave of debt and credit reports never forget.

took a few turns on the merry-go-round of love.
four men, i thought i'd live happily ever after with,
four men, and only one i decided to wed and he let me go, he let me go!

sweet is the world through the eyes of youth.
bitter the pill of reality.
a statistic in the fucking usa today, a teenage mother,
but i beat the odds, i did good.
i made it through college degree in hand and a plan.

time wears off the polish and your life begins to mold.
hope is shot dead by fear and you don't know which way to go.
examin the map that's gotten bigger then you thought.
the heart broken, the hands calloused, and a minding shutting down;
today seems like 16 years ago.

now it's back to square one.
one day at a time.
survive, sustain, and shut down the heart to outsiders.
look back inside your soul to find the gold.
let go. let go.
head down and keep marching forward on this yellow brick road.

Circles

i circle...
i walk in circles.
i talk in circles.
i live in circles.
i think in circles.
i love in circles.
at the end of each rotation the men switch out,
like a tag team wrestling match,
another man is always ready to step onto the mat.
and it's as good as over as soon as we meet.
he wins then slaps the next guy on the hand to walk the circle with me,
but there's no breaking out of the circle i've created for myself.
no, i'm locked in a circle of unending misry.
maybe when God drop kicks me to the pits of hell,
maybe then, the circle will get broken!