Gory Thoughts

I share my gory thoughts in muted shades of somber tones,
then giggle and smile, so they can't guess if I was really upset.
If they only knew how disturbed this girl gets.
I'm haunted by regrets.
The mistakes I make linger for years.
If you knew all about my tears would you want to save me?
Or hold me? Or give me your sympathy?
Or would you just stare; feeling weird;
Caught off guard because I showed you my deeper self?
I think you would do the latter because this is a superficial world.

I take pen to paper and let my feelings unfold.
This is my release. The cheapest of all therapies.
I bury the hurt. I kill the anger. I lighten my saddness.
Just to get by one more day. I have to survive.
When I get overwhelmed, I put the helm on auto-pilot.
I pull myself back into my shell. I've got my own personal hell.
It's backed by insults and disappointments, criticism and stoism too.
The fiery furnace of despair burns up my soul leaving me empty and barren.

Sometimes I don't feel anything anymore.
My empathy has gotten broken. I have to fake responses, like crying when someone dies. When I don't really care. My emotions have used up all their tokens.
I scare myself even when I realize how cold I am.
I'll never fall in love again. I'm like a robot going through the motions.
I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of the ocean. This isolation feels so real.
My head has conjured a vision of aloneness to keep me sane.
I know I've lost the game. The rules I've broken have broken me.
My heart's empty. I have no more passion to give. I wonder why I still live.

Lies surround me.
My walls of defense hold me up so when the urge to give up overcomes me;
my daughter's love will enfold me. It warms me up just enough to try another day.
If it wasn't for her I'd be already in the grave. Ashes and dust. Rotting flesh.
My child's hope, her faith, her needs eclipse my own lack of emotion.
She is my antidote to all the bad inside my head. She's my everything.

The Failure of Living

if someone has lower self-esteem then i do
and hates themselves as much as i do
when i'm lost in my deepest moments
of self-reflection then they probably aren't alive.

why does God hate me? i have failed at being a human being.
why do I hate myself? i am a failure at living.

i stare. nothing appeases me.
i glare. nothing looks good to me.
my eyes want to jump out of my skull
and find another face to look at every day in the mirror.
i squint. nothing escapes me.
i catalog every facial deformity.

why does God hate me? he made me so ugly.
why do you hate me? i am a failure at loving you.

eclipse. darkness and shadows are my friend.
lack of lighting, angles, and photoshop
help me pretend that even i can be pretty.
nip that. tuck this. suck some fat out.
and let the bruises fade until i have a better face then this.

why does God hate me? can i hate him back?
why do I have me? Can I ever love myself the way I am?