The Hope

the hope is what hurts the most.
the feeling arises and infuses you with new energy.
the fall from hope deflated wrecks the hardiest of souls.

the hope left me broken.
the joy drained from my body.
my face reflected pure disappointment.
the hope had been what i had lived for.
pain rips my heart apart.
the spring has gone dry!
the hope was all i needed and you made damn sure you took that too!

the hope built me up on a house of cards.
i'd smile at random thoughts of happiness.
you gave me moments to nurse my hopes.
your little notes fed my hopes and they had grown to epic proportions.

the hope couldn't last.
like your love it was false.
now i sit alone in the coldness of despair.
i'm in withdrawal from hope's sweet bliss.
it's hard to see past this.
i once had hope and now i don't;
that's what hurts the most.

Favorite Chocolate Bar

i'm inhaling the leftover scent of your cologne.
i try to capture your intense presence in a jar.
your hazel eyes inspired me to fall.
i want to take this feeling and hang it up like a poster on my wall.
you could be my idol and i could be your doll,
but i'm not grammy material.
and the music we made ended on the wrong note.
now your voice is lost to me!

i want to recycle my memories into toys for poor kids
or maybe turn myself into your favorite chocolate bar,
then you would love me as much as pooh bear loves his honey.
please change your cooling affections!
it's sunday maybe by thursday you'll want me again.
i'm nowhere without your hands dancing with desire over my skin.
i feel like i've fallen into an empty pit of despair;
instead of you keeping me warm i wear thermal underwear.

take a laser and carve you out of my brain.
be thorough, i want to forget every little thing.
why couldn't you like me the most?
if you were a drug i'd be your abuser.
the words growled under your breath fester like open wounds upon my flesh.
open up my chest and remove my heart;
it's not important to me if you aren't here for me to love!

The Risk

i've sunken down into the depths of despair
down here things aren't clear
i can hear you shouting my name
but you sound a million miles away

you can't carry my baggage anymore
i'm missing the fireworks that went off every time you walked through the door
we got comfortable with each other
that was when we got into trouble

i forgot how sweet you felt between the sheets
and you couldn't remember why you loved me
boredom seeped into the cracks inbetween us
the familiar became bittersweet
and we couldn't keep passion's fire burning in our hearts

finding someone new became all i knew
he couldn't be anything like you
you were the poison and i needed to find the anti-dote
these feeling of escape drove me into reckless escapades
i broke your heart for no reason
i stopped trying and you stopped caring
we broke down 1/2 way down the road

your touch is no longer mine
your kisses go to someone else
i didn't look at you anymore
i just saw right passed you
fog rolled into my thoughts

i saw greener grass on the other side of the fence
but when i got there the grass wasn't what i thought it'd be
i miss you, but i took that risk
no i'm paying the consequence
you're in love and it isn't with me

Dollar and Cents

day in and day out, same old crap to whine about.
i watch the shadows fade in and out.
one more day sitting at a generic desk.
this job robs me of who i am,
but feeds me what every one else demands.

one more day with a boss breathing down my neck.
i always screw something up,
but it's never enough to get me canned.
playing footsie with unemployment.
if there's no cause, i still get a check;
my life is nothing more then dollars and cents.

i go through the motions every day.
i check the tasks off my little cheat sheet.
this is how i mark the passing of time.
squeeze in some spider solitaire,
to wipe my brain free from others' complaints.
is it friday yet?

i watch the clock wind down.
i'm burnt out by 3pm.
one more day being a clog in a dysfunctional machine.
i always miss a detail,
but it's never to send me packing.
playing chicken with the man.
i got to dance to get that check,
because my life is built on dollars and cents.

another bill came in the mail today.
a stack of overdue notices in the trash can.
1-800 numbers fill my call history.
i don't even care anymore.
i don't feel anymore.
i shut down and shut up,
keeping my heaad down,
because i just need to exist,
so everyone else can get what they want!
i'm only worth the check i bring home,
it's all about the dollars and cents!

I'm Depressed.

i'm depressed. i reached this conclusion as i undressed.
i lay in bed unwilling to move.
each day is full of endless seconds without you.
i thought we'd never end, but abruptly, we did!
what's the point of telling me you love me,
when you just left me cold and alone?

i'm depressed. i stare at the computer feeling worthless.
i shove food in my mouth hoping to fill the hole you left inside of me.
i am unmotivated and uninterested.
what used to enthrall me, bores me now.
when you cut me off you cut out my heart too!

i'm depressed. i confess the pills aren't effective.
i feel the slide down the slope of despair picking up speed.
every ache, every pain, i blame on you.
i try to occupy these hollow hours where you used to be,
but nothing sets my tortured soul free.

i'm depressed. you'd laugh and declare me a drama queen.
i miss the little things, that annoyed me the most.
do you feel better now?
or like me, are you still trying to exorcise the ghost of us?
i feel incomplete, like there was no closure.
you felt otherwise, because you don't answer my calls.

i'm depressed. i only hope time will undo my emotional mess!

Gory Thoughts

I share my gory thoughts in muted shades of somber tones,
then giggle and smile, so they can't guess if I was really upset.
If they only knew how disturbed this girl gets.
I'm haunted by regrets.
The mistakes I make linger for years.
If you knew all about my tears would you want to save me?
Or hold me? Or give me your sympathy?
Or would you just stare; feeling weird;
Caught off guard because I showed you my deeper self?
I think you would do the latter because this is a superficial world.

I take pen to paper and let my feelings unfold.
This is my release. The cheapest of all therapies.
I bury the hurt. I kill the anger. I lighten my saddness.
Just to get by one more day. I have to survive.
When I get overwhelmed, I put the helm on auto-pilot.
I pull myself back into my shell. I've got my own personal hell.
It's backed by insults and disappointments, criticism and stoism too.
The fiery furnace of despair burns up my soul leaving me empty and barren.

Sometimes I don't feel anything anymore.
My empathy has gotten broken. I have to fake responses, like crying when someone dies. When I don't really care. My emotions have used up all their tokens.
I scare myself even when I realize how cold I am.
I'll never fall in love again. I'm like a robot going through the motions.
I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of the ocean. This isolation feels so real.
My head has conjured a vision of aloneness to keep me sane.
I know I've lost the game. The rules I've broken have broken me.
My heart's empty. I have no more passion to give. I wonder why I still live.

Lies surround me.
My walls of defense hold me up so when the urge to give up overcomes me;
my daughter's love will enfold me. It warms me up just enough to try another day.
If it wasn't for her I'd be already in the grave. Ashes and dust. Rotting flesh.
My child's hope, her faith, her needs eclipse my own lack of emotion.
She is my antidote to all the bad inside my head. She's my everything.

Rock Bottom

I've got to be missing something.
I keep fumbling along hoping to find where I belong.
There's no answers in the darkness.
I've got to look past my senses.
I'm barely holding up.
I think I'm going...I'm gone.

I'm gone.
I'm falling off the edge,
watching the sky get farther away.
I feel lighter then air.
I know I'll hit the bottom soon.
I hope I hit the bottom soon.
I wnat to hit rock bottom soon so I can move on.

Have you tried to think but your mind goes blank?
You become an empty slate no one wants to write on.
I'm one of those.
I'm clueless to the bone.
There's no hope for me to recover.
This lost cause in mascara and pantyhose.
I'm think I'm going...I'm gone.

I'm gone.
I'm falling off the edge,
watching the sky get farther away.
I feel light then air.
I know I'll hit the bottom soon.
I hope I hit the bottom soon.
I want to hit rock bottom soon so I can move on.

Missing Love

I'm not going to accomplish anything else tonight.
But I don't want to go home.
I don't want to be alone.
Everything about me screams loser.
My dreams fled long ago.

There's not alot of options for people like me.
I am hanging on by a thread.
My hope has deserted me.
My heart doesn't speak to me.
My depression sinks me to new lows.
It's hard to want someone who doesn't want you.
It hurts to watch them find love without you.

I keep finding myself in the same situation.
Driving down the wrong way on a one way street.
Too scared to stopo and ask for directions.
I flirt with diseaster.
I tangle with emotional distress.
I fall in love with love.
I must confess I am a mess.
Screwed up beyond repair,
I look around for relief from my despair.

Happy couples surround me.
I want to vomit.
I want to run.
I keep looking for a gun.
I want to rip my eyes out.
I don't want to see what they have is something I'll never get.
It's love returned.
It's a blessed event.

Here I am empty handed again.
My heart shredded by my mislead directions.
I've been ejected before I ever moved in.
I just want to be loved.
I miss being in love.
I want to be loved.