Uninvited

cold and pale; i feel uninvited in my own flesh.
the sweat beads upon my breasts.
i toss and turn longing for rest.
i drink the medicine waiting for its bliss.
i long for numbness.
touching my face wondering who this stranger is;
i feel uninvited in my own soul.

tired and worn; i feel uninvited in my own skin.
the day fades and i shrink into my bed.
i hope and pray tomorrow is a better day.
i wrap myself up in the pills that promise.
i desire nothingness.
looking into my eyes i see emptiness;
i feel uninvited in my own heart.

bruised and used; i feel uninvited in my own flesh.
the days and nights get mixed up in my head.
i rise and rest with the whim of my disease.
i hunt for the miracle cure.
i need the darkness.
hearing my crying i taste my salty pain;
i feel uninvited in my own mind.

i feel so uninvited everywhere all the time; even in my own life.

Big Bad Wolf

sunsets come and go
contagious diseases spread rapidly
obvious choices get ignored
time settles everyone down
tomorrow you don't want to wake up alone

girls become women you can't trust
emptiness follows your every step
reasons no longer add up
all your houses got blown down
love has become your big bad wolf
demons have replaced your dreams

calluses have formed over your heart
openess is a concept you forgot
utopia is a woman too desperate to ask questions
little by little the world folds in on you
ominous clouds are rolling in
misery is calling you in the middle of the night
beware the woman that loves you with all her might
everyone screws up, you just screw everyone

Unfulfilled Desires

my heart doesn't know it's been broken.
i've been abandoned faster then a sinking ship.
the emptiness of your lies make me a laughing stock.
the high of your touch blindsided me.
you yanked my chains and pulled my hair.
we breathed as one, lust upon lust.
i felt your desire press against my ass.

i couldn't wait to taste you again, then it just ended!
abbreviated, i was truncated.
you robbed me of a new level of trust.
the lowest of the low crashed lower then ever before.
your hickey has faded, but your imprint remains.

i can't wait for this to pass.
the brief moment in my kitchen corner is over.
i scrubbed the counter over and over.
you had a dilemma, but i gave up before it began.
i lied to you, because i saw how she looks at you.
i don't steal, but i still feel.

i can't wait until she finds out about you.
i can't stay away.
you're the bug zapper and i'm the bug stupid enough to fly into you.
i'm not enough, even though you set me on fire.
you just walk away and watch me burn.
your kisses tasted like heaven.
your passion ignited dead desires.
now i'm yearning for your enthusiastic tongue against my breasts again!

i'm not waiting for you to come around to me again.
i'm adding another mistake with your name to my list.
a pattern is emerging, i'm putting this fire out.
i can't turn you around, so i'll just peddle faster to get over this hump.
i deserve more then you can give to me.
i am always the one doing all the sacrificing.
i'm lying in bed tonight with only my unfulfilled desires to keep me warm.

Deformed

i am deformed.
my scars are too big to hide.
their ugliness fills others with shame.
they avert their eyes away from me.
cut me, dissect me, take me apart
they try so hard to find my soul,
but it escaped from me a long time ago.

emotions bounce around me.
my emptiness swallows the sounds.
i have tried to hide in plain sight,
but someone always finds me out.
i don't belong.
i am not normal.

i've never experienced perfection.
my life is more instant karma then walking on sunshine.
i get kicked even after i am already down.
i can't recall a happy ending.
there has always been someone ruining it.

i am deformed.
my heart has turned to stone.
i've passed on many opportunities,
those people reaching out to fix me.
analyze me, medicate me, pray for me
they try so hard to reach my soul,
but its not home, it abandoned me a long time ago.

Whirlwind

throw away the trash, feed the dog
calm the thoughts racing through my head
put away the dishes, take my medicine
tell myself this is part of the plan
pay the bills, fold the laundry
suppress the heavy sighs and bored yawns
this is the glamorous life you left me

run the vacuum, sweep the floor
hope there's another chance outside my door
clip the coupons, go to the store
i thought there would be more
clean out the garage, walk the dog
your leaving me caught me off guard
the legacy of us fits into one trash bin

clean the toilets, change the sheets
i didn't know you had gotten cold feet
cancel the credit cards, forward the mail
the house echoes silence in your absence
take a shower, change my clothes
everything is moving in slow motion
the whirlwind sucked us in and destoyed us

burn the scrapbook, wipe away my tears
i've lingered too long on my fears
write down the pain, drink some more wine
i'm giving myself one last night to be contrite
glue my heart back together, put away my misery
i'm accepting your final exit and moving on
i'm checking getting over you off my to do list!

Dollar and Cents

day in and day out, same old crap to whine about.
i watch the shadows fade in and out.
one more day sitting at a generic desk.
this job robs me of who i am,
but feeds me what every one else demands.

one more day with a boss breathing down my neck.
i always screw something up,
but it's never enough to get me canned.
playing footsie with unemployment.
if there's no cause, i still get a check;
my life is nothing more then dollars and cents.

i go through the motions every day.
i check the tasks off my little cheat sheet.
this is how i mark the passing of time.
squeeze in some spider solitaire,
to wipe my brain free from others' complaints.
is it friday yet?

i watch the clock wind down.
i'm burnt out by 3pm.
one more day being a clog in a dysfunctional machine.
i always miss a detail,
but it's never to send me packing.
playing chicken with the man.
i got to dance to get that check,
because my life is built on dollars and cents.

another bill came in the mail today.
a stack of overdue notices in the trash can.
1-800 numbers fill my call history.
i don't even care anymore.
i don't feel anymore.
i shut down and shut up,
keeping my heaad down,
because i just need to exist,
so everyone else can get what they want!
i'm only worth the check i bring home,
it's all about the dollars and cents!

Dead Inside

i'm dead inside.
no where to run or hide.
got nothing going on.
nobody to see or be.
just the deadness of the night
laid out in front of me.

we're all dead inside.
lock the doors.
clear your head.
lie down in your bed.
there's no point
because we're all dead inside.

we try to fill ourselves up
with what we buy.
we take time and
serve it up like pieces of a pie.
never full and never alive,
because we're all dead inside.

i'm dead inside.
got nothing to do but cry.
done telling myself lies.
the emptiness is mine.
just the deadness of my soul
swallowing me whole.
i'm dead inside.

Simmer

untapped potential rotting in my brain.
undiscovered talents wasting away.
i am too scared to dig into me.
i fear the darkness buried in my soul.
i don't want to know the havoc i can wreak.
i don't want to know what i am capable of.

unmined personality traits await.
unfullfilled anger hovers below my surface.
i need to think more then i feel.
i have to maintain control over myself.
i don't want to know i can ruin everything.
i don't want to know what it's like to lose you.

underneath all my attempts to be normal,
unmasked demons want to be free.
i see pure terror everytime i look in my mirror.
i know there's a point of no return.
i don't want to know where it is.
i don't want to know how to find it.

unrealized emotions must stay that way.
under the skin i must leave the emptiness on simmer.
i like being boring.
i like being unanimated.
i don't want to know what it is like to snap.
i don't want to know what will happen if my suppressed feelings boil over.

Gory Thoughts

I share my gory thoughts in muted shades of somber tones,
then giggle and smile, so they can't guess if I was really upset.
If they only knew how disturbed this girl gets.
I'm haunted by regrets.
The mistakes I make linger for years.
If you knew all about my tears would you want to save me?
Or hold me? Or give me your sympathy?
Or would you just stare; feeling weird;
Caught off guard because I showed you my deeper self?
I think you would do the latter because this is a superficial world.

I take pen to paper and let my feelings unfold.
This is my release. The cheapest of all therapies.
I bury the hurt. I kill the anger. I lighten my saddness.
Just to get by one more day. I have to survive.
When I get overwhelmed, I put the helm on auto-pilot.
I pull myself back into my shell. I've got my own personal hell.
It's backed by insults and disappointments, criticism and stoism too.
The fiery furnace of despair burns up my soul leaving me empty and barren.

Sometimes I don't feel anything anymore.
My empathy has gotten broken. I have to fake responses, like crying when someone dies. When I don't really care. My emotions have used up all their tokens.
I scare myself even when I realize how cold I am.
I'll never fall in love again. I'm like a robot going through the motions.
I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of the ocean. This isolation feels so real.
My head has conjured a vision of aloneness to keep me sane.
I know I've lost the game. The rules I've broken have broken me.
My heart's empty. I have no more passion to give. I wonder why I still live.

Lies surround me.
My walls of defense hold me up so when the urge to give up overcomes me;
my daughter's love will enfold me. It warms me up just enough to try another day.
If it wasn't for her I'd be already in the grave. Ashes and dust. Rotting flesh.
My child's hope, her faith, her needs eclipse my own lack of emotion.
She is my antidote to all the bad inside my head. She's my everything.

Circling

I watch the colors flashing
Red green red green
The numbers change one by one
I watch the digits climbing
Lost within these reflections of mine
Hypnotized by life’s misery
I keep walking down empty roads
Circling the solution that could fix it all
I see nothing ahead
But I don’t look up or down
I don’t glance side to side
It’s straight ahead to hell for me

I watch the colors flashing
Red green red green
My heart beats in time to their melody
I can’t keep fighting this
Loneliness that creeps into my veins
Missing the point each time
I am blind
I am deaf
Yet here I stand seeing and hearing what I want to see and hear

My

my days are full of challenges
i struggle to keep up to the robots
that surround me and never give up
i need rest, sustance, and levity
they only need more of the same
i think i've been chained to my desk
and like a dog i'm going crazy pacing
back and forth always in the same path

my nights are full of emptiness
the fans whirl making some noise
i don't, i just sit and stare
at the computer screen, a little
better then the one i spent all
day staring at, but the same
thing, i don't have anything better
to do, like a penny stuck in the bottom
of a purse, i never get used.

my heart is worn out
i used it to death
it's thread bare and down
to it's last breathe
i'm not sure which will
break down first my heart
or my car, i think it's a close call

my mind is a leaky faucet
i tighten the taps but there's still
a constant drip of knowledge falling
out. one day i'll awake to find
i've forgotten my own name
but can tell you my favorite tv show

my soul is seldom used
it would love to see some abuse
it languishes around
occasionally buzzing me to see
if i'm still alive
it's like that gnat you keep
swatting at but never flies away
someday i'll need it to pray

my body ... well let's skip that
there's too much wrong with it
to list them here would make
this a million pages long
i'm working hard to get better
but damn i love chocolate and cheese
chocolate cheesecake, yummy

Empty Promises

Empty promises, full of lies
Smoke and mirrors mystify
Dreams go by
You’ve missed your chance
This is goodbye

What does NO mean to you?
How can I tell you…?
I don’t want to see you anymore.
I am past my loser phase.
I need a man to lean on
A man with love to give
And not a past chaining him down

You walk in a mist of your own lies
Make believe stories where
You are the good guy
It’s never your fault
Everybody is bringing you down
You can’t see the mistakes
Are yours and yours alone
You aren’t taking me down

Empty promises, full of lies
Smoke and mirrors mystify
Dreams go by
You’ve missed your chance
This is goodbye

You are able to justify
A life drifting in loserville
You can see good
Where all that’s left is begging
For a dollar here and there
You wander why no one sticks around
Look in a mirror
Look in a mirror

Are you scared to admit?
The truth hurts
When you can’t take it
Running does no good
It’ll get to you sooner or later
Lies only make you feel better
But emptiness swallows you
Depression hollows your words
You are a shell of a man

Saying what you think you should
Going through the motions
But you think the world revolves around you
So I am cutting the ties
To get away from the misery you spread

It Rained

the medicine kills my creativity, it eats away my soul. the pain comes and goes as it pleases; it leaves me breathless and alone. there are days i feel 100 years old. there are times i think of letting go. this damn darkness has a hold on me. i can't see any light. tears of my misery wash over me; there's no peace for me tonight.

i want to go back in time and warn the young woman i was before my life became a series of doctor's appointments and a long list of prescriptions. tell her to be unafraid and bold. to take the happiness she finds and hang on. live in those moments.

i have times when the pain subsides and my thoughts get clearer to me, but the pain like the rain comes back. i'm supposed to give the meds, the doctors, the treatments some time to work, but i cannot work while i wait for them to kick in. i catch myself daydreaming about the life i wanted and my dissatisfaction for the life i've created.

my emptiness so vast i lose myself for hours at a time. looking at the clock i realize the sun has set and my daughter is talking to herself again. i guess that's because i'm not much of a conversationalist these days. i get so wrapped up in myself that i forget about everything else and she draws me out with her smile and her laughter. i feel guilty having to have her see me suffer. i didn't want to repeat what i had to see when my mother got sick, but it's here.

i'm in a cage i've built with my own fears and doubts. now i'm caught up in what i ought to be and where i should have been instead of what i have and where i am. my disappointment in myself is only trumped by the disappointment i see in other's eyes while i let them down. i know it's been said, it's not being happy with what you want but wanting what you have that makes a difference in your life. but who would want to be happy with what i have?