I'm Trying My Best

your death has me thinking.
all my wheels have been spinning.
i've been stuck in a giant mud pit of doubt.
my heart has no target to aim at.
i keep wishing on planets instead of shooting stars.
i long for the day you held my hand and led the way.

i'm looking at you, so peaceful and at rest.
you're surrounded by flowers and your family is near.
you were laid to rest in a silver casket on a sunny day.
you are next to grandpa in tennessee.
please tell God i'm trying my best down here.

this life is short and riddled with mistakes.
my decisions play out like an off off broadway play.
i go through all the mementos you kept.
you tucked away every scrap of every little accomplishment,
yet there's seldom a mention of my name.
it's blatent to me now i never achieved anything.

i'm the grandchild you prayed for the most.
i'm sorry i couldn't hear the whisper of the holy ghost.
i have become a laundry list of uncompleted tasks.
right now i'm into my deepest mess yet.

he's got me in the corner between lust and regret.
i know it's wrong how he hurts me inside and out,
but part of me doesn't want the pain to stop.
your death has me asking myself hard questions.
there's so much i'd have to give up to be more like you.

i have to rile myself up against my own ways
and i don't know if i love myself enough to do it.
i deserve more then the brief minutes he gives me.
i'm afraid to lose him because he makes me feel.
without him i am numb, but i hate being under his thumb.