Seeds

dreams dangle from the strings of our needs.
no subtle introductions are necessary.
it's obvious my hopes are floating upon your whims.
take what is your and i wish the seeds you're planting inside of me take hold!

i grow attached to your touch.
the nuances of your kisses leave me trembling for more.
whenever my heart gets on the edge of falling in love with you,
my mind chants we are two adults having fun again and again.
i don't know if i jump if i could survive it when you leave.

i'm a pessimist with an optimistic heart.
you're my red candle and i'm yours with no doubts.
when you're near me i feel alive.
bring your seeds of desire to me and i will receive you every time!

the sound of your voice is intoxicating.
you love my greed and i love your ambition.
we're a hell of a pair spinning faster then bent air.
give me a piece of you that will never leave.
one seed is all i need;
then every tomorrow you will be with me!

you've worked your way under my skin.
i revel in the existence of you.
each new day brings more ecstasy.
the nights i only hold you in my dreams.
this puzzle is incomplete.
i'm empty with the pain.
i ache for you to fill me up with the seeds of your needs.

you surprise me with unexpected visits.
i run to you like i've been lost and now you've found me at last.
if this is a honeymoon phase i hope it never passes.
now i realize i can't stop this.
i crave your seed like a narcotic!

in my past there are booby traps.
bad decisions and mistakes riddle the stories i keep.
i can't explain why i think i've changed.
your light draws me into you.
the taste of you lingers on my tongue and mind.
i need your seed to complete me!

I'm Trying My Best

your death has me thinking.
all my wheels have been spinning.
i've been stuck in a giant mud pit of doubt.
my heart has no target to aim at.
i keep wishing on planets instead of shooting stars.
i long for the day you held my hand and led the way.

i'm looking at you, so peaceful and at rest.
you're surrounded by flowers and your family is near.
you were laid to rest in a silver casket on a sunny day.
you are next to grandpa in tennessee.
please tell God i'm trying my best down here.

this life is short and riddled with mistakes.
my decisions play out like an off off broadway play.
i go through all the mementos you kept.
you tucked away every scrap of every little accomplishment,
yet there's seldom a mention of my name.
it's blatent to me now i never achieved anything.

i'm the grandchild you prayed for the most.
i'm sorry i couldn't hear the whisper of the holy ghost.
i have become a laundry list of uncompleted tasks.
right now i'm into my deepest mess yet.

he's got me in the corner between lust and regret.
i know it's wrong how he hurts me inside and out,
but part of me doesn't want the pain to stop.
your death has me asking myself hard questions.
there's so much i'd have to give up to be more like you.

i have to rile myself up against my own ways
and i don't know if i love myself enough to do it.
i deserve more then the brief minutes he gives me.
i'm afraid to lose him because he makes me feel.
without him i am numb, but i hate being under his thumb.

Given Up the Ghost

i am feeling every fat cell tonight
i am weighed down by my heavy sighs
the only control i have is over myself
and i have failed at executing that
you toyed with my hormones
i was on a righteous track
but now i have fallen into the sinner's rack.

Jesus sat with the ones that needed saved
so right now he should be beside me
because i need him now more then ever
my bible offers me no respite
i still dream of fucking you every night

i am feeling every mile i have ever walked
my pain reminds me i am real
i have fallen all over the place
and i do not know if i can get back up again
i had fire burning through my veins
and i burst into lust filled flames

God i know i have disappointed you
right now i am a dirty minded whore
because i want him more then i want you
the scriptures tell me to flee
but i can not think when he is near me

i am feeling every regret i have ever had
my poor decisions drain me
the bottle brings a complete blackout
but i can not stay unconscious forever
eventually, i will have to take responsibility

the Holy Ghost has no love left to give me
i have no fight in me
i want to be wrong
but there is no more doubt
i have given up the Ghost for a man!

Outbound Train of Thought

i woke up exhausted at 5:55 am today.
i got up and went into the bathroom.
i turned on the light and stared at myself in the mirror.
i looked translucent, like a ghost.

i felt dead, like i'd been ran over by the last train of thought
that left my head when i went to bed.
i was awake, but i felt like i'd just given birth.
i had an odd sensation in my hands.
i have never been a morning person.
my face is too white.
i look old.

if i ever win the lottery i will buy a new face
to match my new fancy place.
i am disgusted by every image of myself that i have ever seen.
i wish i was blind so i'd never have to look at myself again.

i keep telling myself, this is the week i make a change.
this will be the year i overcome my past,
but i keep covering the same old ground.
it's been forever since i felt put together.

this is my earthly home, i need to worry more about my soul.
i feel like God has set this life up like a stop watch.
He starts the clock when we are born innocent,
and only He has the knowledge when the clock will be stopped.
The one who did the most good in the time recorded gets a ticket to Heaven.
I hope He understands i am a slow learner!

i have control issues.
i am the first to admit i hate not being the one making the decisions.
accepting that i can not dictate to God what i want to happen in my life,
leaves me feeling like i'm drowning in a sea of chaos.
i can't breathe.
i feel sorrowful for wanting to veto God's will.

He immediately makes his point when i walk out the door.
the sky opens up and the water pours down on me,
like little reminders of his absolute power over me.
even i know a good rain can wash away all that is unclean.
i wonder if i should build a boat, because it's been raining alot these days!

Casey

your lies became your truth
evil and good became one
you could no longer tell right from wrong
your moral compass spins with no direction
i can understand that

honesty isn't in your vocabulary
all your friends are imaginary
your fantasy world is all you knew
you never cared for anyone but you
i have been there too

the lines were drawn in the sand
no one knows what happened
you aren't the type to give answers
you zig and zag to avoid reality
it is fear that drives you

you forgot about her
you buried her underneath a carefree exterior
she will haunt your dreams
one day you'll have to face her and God
i expect you will cry then too

karma will catch up to you
babies are the purest of souls
all the bad decisions will be judged
God sees through all lies
will you do good now
and will it be enough to pay what is due

What I Need

i cry alone in the darkness of my home.
i feel invisible and forlorn.
i then hear a voice, soft and sweet,
it speaks to me, you are not invisible to me.
my child, i see you clearly.
every emotion you feel comes to me too.
do not think you are alone,
because my spirit is always with you.

i felt better that night.
i said a prayer of gratitude
for the love of God and his gentle reminder,of who i am.
my load is lightened.
i go about my life at peace,
until my heart gets broken again.

i sit in the darkness of my home.
i wonder if God has forgotten me.
why must i suffer this way?
then i hear the voice again,
soft but firm, i am reprimanded.
i have not forgotten you,
but you have forgotten me.
my child, when you are suffering
I hurt a thousand times more.
If you'd listen more often,
you'd understand, that this is what you need.

i am humbled and embarassed.
i say a prayer filld with my heartfelt repentance.
my troubles are lifted from me.
i am focused and at peace.
Thank you God for not giving up on me!

now i travel lightly through life.
i listen for his directions at every fork in the road.
i pray often every day for him to guide me.
when i get lost, his gentle voice corrects me.
He is a loving tolerant father,
admonishing his wayward child,
not with fury but with love.
i always find my way when i have faith God knows what i need.

At My Door

you never bought me flowers.
you seldom call first.
i never complained about doing all the work.
because i thought you were worth it.

you never lied to me.
you told me exactly how you felt.
i never spoke up about how you misjudged me.
because i thought time would reveal the truth.

you laid down all the rules.
you made all the decisions.
i never objected about what i thought was your short sightedness.
because i thought it was obvious.

you never indulged my fears.
you never babied me.
i never asked you about why it had to be now.
because your leaving hurts.

you are the strong minded one.
you are the one whose miserable.
i never questioned you about your complex methods.
because i hoped you end up at my door.

Done

i was searching for someone to share the burden,
so i wouldn't have to face the world alone.
i thought you could be the one,
but that just came undone!

rant, rave, be the lunatic you crave!
faint, fret, wreck all your bets!
cave, confess, leave me a mess!

it was easy for me to love you,
but it was hard for you to let me.
go ahead and do it on your own.
the road you've chosen is 10x's harder then it needs to be.

you told me it's time to settle down.
you weren't untethered long enough to know.
i put my money down, hoping time would set you free.
but i'll never be your one,
in your eyes i'm done!

cuss, fuss, do what you must!
lie, die, break down and cry!
jump, punch, you didn't leave me much!

it was easy to fuck you,
but it was hard to stop there.
go ahead and make your own way.
the path your on will kick you when you're down.

i cant' wait for you to come around.
i won't force you to be my one.
this sadness i feel is all from you.
so i'm through, done, it's over!
i'm alone again and that's just how it's done!