I'm Trying My Best

your death has me thinking.
all my wheels have been spinning.
i've been stuck in a giant mud pit of doubt.
my heart has no target to aim at.
i keep wishing on planets instead of shooting stars.
i long for the day you held my hand and led the way.

i'm looking at you, so peaceful and at rest.
you're surrounded by flowers and your family is near.
you were laid to rest in a silver casket on a sunny day.
you are next to grandpa in tennessee.
please tell God i'm trying my best down here.

this life is short and riddled with mistakes.
my decisions play out like an off off broadway play.
i go through all the mementos you kept.
you tucked away every scrap of every little accomplishment,
yet there's seldom a mention of my name.
it's blatent to me now i never achieved anything.

i'm the grandchild you prayed for the most.
i'm sorry i couldn't hear the whisper of the holy ghost.
i have become a laundry list of uncompleted tasks.
right now i'm into my deepest mess yet.

he's got me in the corner between lust and regret.
i know it's wrong how he hurts me inside and out,
but part of me doesn't want the pain to stop.
your death has me asking myself hard questions.
there's so much i'd have to give up to be more like you.

i have to rile myself up against my own ways
and i don't know if i love myself enough to do it.
i deserve more then the brief minutes he gives me.
i'm afraid to lose him because he makes me feel.
without him i am numb, but i hate being under his thumb.

Eleven Hours

eleven hours to think
hundreds of miles to contemplate
i tried to find what makes my heart beat on the freeway
all these open spaces laid out in strange places
have me wishing i could be more open minded sometimes
possibilities unrealized dot my recent past
life's epilogue is approaching me fast
when did i become so rigid?

i have her face in the front of my mind
her sweet voice praying to God for me all the time
my broken soul like a moth to the bug zapper
i want what burns me the most
i can't be her little irene anymore
i'm not good enough to honor her memory
when did i become so bitter?

eleven hours in the same car seat
i stare out the window lost in memories
the scenery flies by me unacknowledged
my internal turmoil doing damage
i wrap up tight in her message
the photos in my purse all i have left
she was confident God loved me too
when did i become so lost?

Lonesome Soul

the name calling has started, it's a sign the end has come.
you don't believe me and i don't trust you.
we sit in our separate houses to stew.
there's no mercy in a battle of bleeding hearts.
you're ripping my dreams out through my uterus.
my period has become a badge for all my failures.

the voices surrounding me mock my choices.
i sit behind a closed curtain waiting endlessly to be seen.
my hurting doesn't even matter to God.
my prayers are dying under the weight of my regrets.
i lost my grandmother yesterday.
my joy has been overcome by my pain.

i remember her devotion to God and family.
she seemed so fragile, but her spirit never would break.
i'm sucked up into a restless life.
i'm not content unless there's strife.
my mistakes get worse with every breath i take.
these burdens are burning me at the stake.

i'm certain i'll die a lonesome soul.
cold, destitute, barren, depressed, shattered and alone!

Dearest MeeMaw

In Honor of Brownie Irene Lock 9/3/1923 - 12/13/2011

Dearest MeeMaw i'm lost in memories of you.
Your sweet smile and child like giggles haunt my mind.
My world lost an effervescent light this morning.
Your love helped to anchor me in the darkest of times.
2am God took your beautiful soul back home.
He knows how much I love you.

My head hurts from trying to hold back these tears.
I'm working hard to overcome my fears.
Your pain is over and your blessings are fulfilled.
I feel selfish for still wanting you here.
I didn't call or visit as often as I should have,
but you were always near and dear to me.

I'm your little Irene and now your my guardian angel.
You'll never be far from my thoughts
And you'll always be with me in my heart.
I love you Brownie Irene.
You have always made the world a better place for me.
God take good care of her up there.
She spent her life loving you too.

Her faith never waivered.
Where I had doubts she embraced it all.
I wish I could be more like her.
Strong, Independent, Devoted, and Determined is what comes to mind when I try to describe her.
I love her and miss her so much already.
May peace be upon your soul, my beloved MeeMaw.
This little Irene will try her best to make you proud!

MeeMaw

I sit down to write you a letter,
but I fear it won't be enough
to lift your spirits.
I want to get a smile out of you.

I guess I could pick up the phone,
but the words won't form.
I get overwhelmed with how much I miss you.
I don't want you to hear my tears.

I would like to send you an e-mail,
but you don't own a computer.
And I wonder if I could get through
the years of distance with one hello to you.

I send the cards when I'm supposed to -
the birthday, the christmas holiday.
The one I wish I didn't need;
that get well card was sincerely meant.

My love is always yours,
as far back as I can remember,
I've adored you.

Your sweet smelling perfume.
The prim and proper ruffled tops.
The hair in a bun at first dark brown
then a soft gray.

You're the one true person that will
always be a part of me.

All my love,
Little Irene