Control

i want to feel like i'm holding the world in my hands.
i want to know the decisions i make are for the better.
i want to feel in control, but it's the opposite of my reality.
i feel like life is leading me around by my nose.
i don't know how to take control.

the world spins around me.
i feel overwhelmed and lost.
every body else seems put together.
i feel like a caution light with my heart flashing broken.

i want to hold my head high.
i want to look a priest in the eye.
i want to be in control, but i can't get a handle on myself.
i lie and quit and cry.
my self-indulgence trumps my self-control.

those around me say to try harder, but i am my biggest obstacle.
when i attempt to restrain myself i fall apart and implode.
i cry with the pieces of my life scattered around me.

i want to be confident.
i want to be sure.
i've lived on second guesses and regrets for too long.
when i try to take control, complete chaos ensues.

my life lacks structure.
i've been working hard to make amends.
i take one step forward, then fall three steps back again.
i want to contain my disease and exercise control over the worst parts of me.

i want to be my own boss.
i want to hear my own voice.
i've manage to push away all who have offered me a helping hand.
if i cannot dominate my weaker self, control will always be an elusive dream.