The Sudden

change happens; it appears overnight;
the sudden shift of your whole life with words you dread to hear;
i didn't even know this morning i had awoken to a whole new world.
in your dreams you never saw it coming;
somewhere inside my mind i had wished for crystal visions...
if my life is a mirror into my soul God would be bored to death with mine.

there's things i want to do, but i always say someday.
i'm still waiting on someday to come, but i fear death will find me first.
this sunshine is eclipsed by a dark moon rising.
my pot of chocolate gold wrapped coins that i can't even eat because now i'm diabetic has gotten stolen.
change lurks upon the horizon waiting to jump you,
beat you down, and destroy all you love and flip you off while it runs off with your stuff.

sometimes i can feel it coming, but you pray you can avoid disaster
but no amount of aversion can change the course
your not prepared for the battle when it comes
the war is in my head, but my body shows if i'm winning or losing
there's a place between acceptance and fighting the inevitable
i'm sitting there right now debating with my self on my next steps

what i do matters
what i say matters
what i think matters
what i need matters
what i want is what destroys me, it always destroys me!

change can be a friend or a foe
i don't know which one these changes are right just yet
i'd let hope back in but i'm too damaged to accept it as a comforting friend
i have to be awake and aware
i have been sleeping through my life letting every whim drive my direction

there is no resistance left in me
i change or i die
the rejection of the facts and to deny the test results if foolishness
tomorrow is no longer the distant future or some remote possibility
denial won't accomplish what i need
it's time for me to change

Control

i want to feel like i'm holding the world in my hands.
i want to know the decisions i make are for the better.
i want to feel in control, but it's the opposite of my reality.
i feel like life is leading me around by my nose.
i don't know how to take control.

the world spins around me.
i feel overwhelmed and lost.
every body else seems put together.
i feel like a caution light with my heart flashing broken.

i want to hold my head high.
i want to look a priest in the eye.
i want to be in control, but i can't get a handle on myself.
i lie and quit and cry.
my self-indulgence trumps my self-control.

those around me say to try harder, but i am my biggest obstacle.
when i attempt to restrain myself i fall apart and implode.
i cry with the pieces of my life scattered around me.

i want to be confident.
i want to be sure.
i've lived on second guesses and regrets for too long.
when i try to take control, complete chaos ensues.

my life lacks structure.
i've been working hard to make amends.
i take one step forward, then fall three steps back again.
i want to contain my disease and exercise control over the worst parts of me.

i want to be my own boss.
i want to hear my own voice.
i've manage to push away all who have offered me a helping hand.
if i cannot dominate my weaker self, control will always be an elusive dream.