Inventory

i'm a little fish in a little pond swimming in circles waiting for the day i drown.
my daydreams are making the time pass in impossible fantasies.
i sleep more than i should.
i hurt more than i deserve.
i'm a hopeless romantic suffering from a pessimist disease.
there's no prescription i can fill to cure this mindless pity party.
i think i'm in love with chasing the love that fails.
my breaking heart is the best way for me to know i'm alive.
i've detached from everything i know.
i'm sitting alone taking inventory of my soul and the list is short.

No Where to Go

i clicked on the wrong button again
i'm downloading heartache from the emptiness of internet space
how long until the hurt is gone
i've been waiting for so long
there's no light only more pain

hollow sounds fill my full mind
mindlessly i walk the world
hoping life decides to send happiness my way
i'll take one heartache to go
there's nothing to do and no where to go

i'm syncing up to a life full of regret
my a.d.d. keeps asking me are we there yet
how much can one heart bleed
i'll keep eating my disease and feeding its needs
there's no joy only more sadness

time makes no sound as it wastes away
i sit so still in the darkness of a full moon
praying God finds a moment to hear my words
i'll take a new soul to go
there's nothing for me here and no where to go

i had a dream i ended up dead and alive
this lie i tell every time i smile had to be perfected in the mirror
how long did i think i could fool you
i was waiting for the right time
there wasn't a second i haven't love you

breaking a heart echoes around the soul
the cold is coming and i want to freeze me
crying into the night doesn't make it alright
i'll get a better me to go
there's nothing hold me back and yet there's no where i want to go

Bad Bug

that's a bad bug, leave it alone, it's a bad bug!
it'll sting you until you're numb;
until your throat swells shut,
and you think you're going to die, it's a bad bad bug!

that's a bad bug, let it go on, it's a bad bug!
it turns your insides out;
leaves you weak and shaking on the floor,
and you pray to die, it's a bad bad bug!

i'm sitting in the spring sunshine fighting an urge to cry.
my stomach rolls like a thunder storm.
my ribs ache from all the sickness i've expunged.
i prayed for mercy then i begged for death!

that's a bad bug, take it far away, it's a bad bug!
it overcomes you and takes control;
you aren't you anymore,
and you become just a ball of disease trying to breathe, it's a bad bad bug!

that's a bad bug, wash down all the pills to kill it, it's a bad bug.
the pain comes crashing in waves of vomit and tears;
both ends explode into misery,
and i'm chained to the bathroom like a slave to its master, it's a bad bad bug!

there's not freedom in the pink you drink.
every second i think death has arrived.
if this is living then death can't be that bad.
i prayed to find a chemical to release me from this nightmare.

that's a bad bug, it crawls inside of you and eats you alive, it's a bad bug.
it's tearing me apart one retch at a time;
i'm huddled in the corner knowing i'm going to die,
and all i feel is relief, it's a bad bad bug!

Sickness and I

sickness and i are the oldest of friends.
i remember cold novembers' wracked with coughs and sweating from a fever's heat.
you'd think i'd be used to the familiar touch of disease but i forget.
the older i get the harder it gets to get over its affects.

bronchitis, sinus, flu, colds, allergies, and pneumonia revolve and evolve through me,
into me, around me, until i begin to wonder if death's the only hope i have left.
i try new doctors, new pills, new cure alls, but all i find is the same misery that leaves me dead inside.

the error is in my dna. my bad code has made me this way.
why bother to try when i'm doomed.
i dance around the truth holding one ailment close at a time.
miracles and prayers aren't here to be found, if Jesus saves he doesn't save me.

God used to speak to me when i was young.
i'd lay on a couch in the dark saying my childish prayers and crossing my heart.
my mother tucked me in too tight to move.
all the doctors told her i'd outgrow it all one day,
but after 40 years i grow doubtful that day will every come.

every time i leave the house new germs hitch a ride home with me.
sickness never leaves me alone.
i can count on it to visit when it pleases.
i'm well enough to forget how much it hurt, so it reminds me again how it rules me.
i should burn myself and all i own, but i'm sure the sickness would return.

yes, sickness and i are the oldest of friends!

Heartache and Hope

my heart is beating slower then i'm breathing.
i don't know what i'm needing to fix my plight.
i'm full of dismay. i'm tripping over ghosts.
all i have left is heartache and hope.

my condition feels me with loneliness in a crowded room.
i want to run away to try to outrun my pain.
i'm burning down my own disease. i'm falling into it.
hope comes and goes but my heartache never moves.

my standard's slip and he got through those cracks.
i shouldn't complain because he didn't stick around to finish the kill.
i'm regretting letting myself believe love exists. faith can't assist.
heartache and hope aren't enough to keep me strong.

my weakness overtakes my sensibilities.
i'm a special kind of fool wrapped up in past discretions.
i would love to taste freedom. everywhere i am is a prison.
heartaches are here for the long haul and i hope i'm able to handle it all!

my environment surrounds me with examples of kindness.
i think i can but i know i won't ever love again.
i'm a closet dreamer who is desperate to believe. i'm too scared to unlock the door.
hope isn't in control; only the heartache knows me.

my disaster destroyed me down to my core.
i don't want to be here anymore.
i'm ready to forgive him but i'll never forgive myself.
is there ever enough hope when the heartache never ends?

Wash Me Away

there's plenty of work for me to do but it sits.
i feel flustered and unfocused.
my thoughts hop from one to another like the Easter bunny going house to house.
i can't decide on anything and my mind begins to bend.
15 minutes ago i was in a good mood.
then out of the blue the shades were drawn and now i'm confused and scattered.

oh, how this disease plays to win.
an attitude for every minute of every day.
the tidal waves of crushing emotions wash me away.
all that remains is a sea of exhaustion for me to drown!

there's concern knocking on the door for me.
i feel forgotten and underwhelmed.
my heart skips a beat or two trying to contain my panic.
i can't overcome it; and my hands begin to tremble.
yesterday went by so fast, but today's misery drags.
i need to hold on to the up's but the down's come too quickly.
now i'm distraught and shattered.

oh, how this disease taunts me.
a feeling for every color in the spectrum.
the storm's rain is washing me away.
all that remains is a shell full of negative space!

there's more despair then hope left here.
i feel fearful and misunderstood.
my soul bounces around different ideas to save it.
i can't settle for what tied me over before.
two days ago peace evaporated and has yet to return.
i thirst for the refreshing taste of calm.
now i'm empty and broken.

oh, how this disease destroys me.
these moods come and go as they please.
i scrub so hard to try and wash it away.
all that remains is me getting sucked down the drain.

oh,how this disease washes me away!

Parasitic Host

i wrap myself up in my personal make believe;
hunkered down and ready to defend every delusion i have left to the end!
i'm not dumb!
reality is not my friend.
i'm ugly.
i'm fat.
i'm hosting a parasite and it's all my fault!

i crawl into bed and surrender to the game.
i can't take one more heartache or one more broken promise.
even my appliances are dying!
i know i have to go into the world tomorrow.
i accept the fact i have to function to eat, but i won't accept defeat.
i'm escaping from this drudgery.
i'm grabbing my dreams and losing myself in them.

i don't always know what i want and i never seem to get what i need.
the tediousness of my waking seconds depresses me.
i tried to be better.
the odd in me suffered.
my blood runs backwards like all my lover's leave me.
i find comfort when i'm asleep.
i twist and turn out all the knots when my eyes are closed.

i wake up into uncertainty and confusion.
i break!
my closeness to insanity varies from hour to hour.
i have my little moments of victory that get me through the day.
all i ask for is quiet, but the static stalks me.
he has left me.
i'm not surprised.
i can't undo me.
i'm becoming one with solitude.
chit chat bores me.
nothing engages my senses.
i want to stay here and hide.
one day maybe when the parasite dies i'll bother to try!

Big Bad Wolf

sunsets come and go
contagious diseases spread rapidly
obvious choices get ignored
time settles everyone down
tomorrow you don't want to wake up alone

girls become women you can't trust
emptiness follows your every step
reasons no longer add up
all your houses got blown down
love has become your big bad wolf
demons have replaced your dreams

calluses have formed over your heart
openess is a concept you forgot
utopia is a woman too desperate to ask questions
little by little the world folds in on you
ominous clouds are rolling in
misery is calling you in the middle of the night
beware the woman that loves you with all her might
everyone screws up, you just screw everyone

The Symptoms

i am afraid you will leave and you haven't arrived yet.
i blame myself for my own mind games.
if i lie and say it's what i like,
will you come back into my personal gravity?
my feelings are tied up within myself.
i can be your north pole if you'd be my south.

i am paying more attention now.
i'm boosting my sexual intensity,
but you refuse to react to me.
i find the effort refreshing.
i hate when it comes easy,
so i keep building up the fantasy.
i hope you can deliver a 1/4 of what i'm dreaming.

you are my current obsession.
i let the last one go for you.
he was a hopeless attempt.
you show promise to bring me multiple orgasms.
it's hard to keep me satisfied.
i'd like to give you another opportunity to try.

you have no idea how you've sent my world spinning.
i had gotten comfortable with my lonely routine.
your little smirk and fleeting touches haunt my dreams.
i'm looking forward to riding you,
so i'll keep prancing around for you.
because i got the disease of lust bad,
and you're the only relief for these symptoms!

The Rules

i'm starting to wonder if i have a heart left to break.
i'm basking in the bliss of my ignorance.
i don't want to be your therapist.
i don't want to know your wife's name.
if you're cheating on her it's not about me.
i'm a symptom of your disease, not the root cause.

these are the rules to follow if you wish to proceed.
you don't talk about me.
no one needs the to know about me.
this never happened, i don't know you.
this is a one time limited offer.
we fuck, you leave.

we continue with our separate lives.
the sexual curiousity satisfied.
there's no need to create drama.
i don't want a committment from you.
you are already in one.
if we stick to the basics,
no problems should arise.
we fuck, you leave.

i don't care about the state of your marriage.
it may seem cold of me,
but i've learned the hard way how this plays out.
there's no use in loving a married man,
when he's not married to you.
i'm never enough of a reason for him to leave her.
if you agree to play by the rules then we can get to it.
let's fuck, so you can leave!

Ten Minutes

you're sticking to me closer then the plague on my teeth.
you're spreading over my life like a contagious disease.
we met for ten minutes and i can't get rid of you!

everything changed in one heart beat.
a chance meeting, two hearts beating,
there are pheromones in the air,
eye contact made, chemistry collides,
smiles exchanged, coy under currents,
but the moment passes in a second.

i keep seeing you every where i go.
i ponder, can there be so many coincidences?
at first i would smile, then i would nod,
but after awhile, you became part of the scenery.
a flight of fancy or just a road not taken.
another part of a boring routine.

the tragedy erupts and unfurls furiously.
a rush to judgement in the name of justice.
it's all the contemporary rage,
run his undies up the flag pole.
declare your victory now the evil is gone.

pile up the evidence and put away your conscience.
backed into a corner you fought it out.
no one blames you for what you had to do.
so why can't you eat?
and why when you close your eyes,
you are back to those ten minutes?

he'll haunt you for the rest of your life.
a random stranger latched on to you
and your whole peaceful world came unglued.
ten minutes was all it took
to know how it feels to go to hell and back!

Control

i want to feel like i'm holding the world in my hands.
i want to know the decisions i make are for the better.
i want to feel in control, but it's the opposite of my reality.
i feel like life is leading me around by my nose.
i don't know how to take control.

the world spins around me.
i feel overwhelmed and lost.
every body else seems put together.
i feel like a caution light with my heart flashing broken.

i want to hold my head high.
i want to look a priest in the eye.
i want to be in control, but i can't get a handle on myself.
i lie and quit and cry.
my self-indulgence trumps my self-control.

those around me say to try harder, but i am my biggest obstacle.
when i attempt to restrain myself i fall apart and implode.
i cry with the pieces of my life scattered around me.

i want to be confident.
i want to be sure.
i've lived on second guesses and regrets for too long.
when i try to take control, complete chaos ensues.

my life lacks structure.
i've been working hard to make amends.
i take one step forward, then fall three steps back again.
i want to contain my disease and exercise control over the worst parts of me.

i want to be my own boss.
i want to hear my own voice.
i've manage to push away all who have offered me a helping hand.
if i cannot dominate my weaker self, control will always be an elusive dream.

My Mouth

sorry i hurt your feelings
when i opened my mouth without thinking.
i go off half cocked alot.
i've tried to stop,
but like a ticking time bomb,
i always explode!

my mouth is my doom.
it brings me pleasure
and causes me heartache too.
i talk more then i should.
i say things that should never be heard.
my mouth tells lies.
my mouth tells truth.
my mouth opens and chaos ensues.

sorry i made you cry
when i said good bye.
i wasn't thinking of you.
i'm selfish and cruel.
i've tried to stop,
but like a bullet shot from a gun,
my triggers already been pulled.

my mouth is on automatic pilot.
i never know what it'll do.
i've prayed for God to make me mute.
i want to play well with others,
but my mouth interfers.
it utters inappropiate comments
and my mouth suffers from a foot disease.

i'm tired of always apologizing.
i have run out of excuses to give.
this is how i've always been.
i was late to speak,
but i haven't shut up since.
so tune me out or toughen up,
because my mouth will strike again!