Pacing

i pace in the anxious worry of fear's embrace.
my mind races from worse to the worst case scenario.
i know there is no one that will come to save me.
and i don't understand why i can't overcome my own neurosis.

i would walk away from myself, but i'm attached.
i tossed and turned last night struggling with insomnia again.
sleep is so hard to come by that i begin to break.
i'd take some pills, but they stopped working.

i turn to the good book for some good advice.
i notice the word fornicate is in there alot.
my thoughts are not holy ones.
i miss a man's touch.
why do i make it so difficult for me to love?

i combatted a migraine last night.
i think it was a draw.
my head now aches dull, but the migraine isn't gone.
but the pain is at least tolerable to me.
i wonder if i'll ever be free from pain.

i know what i am thinking about is a sin.
it is selfish and self seving and wrong.
but my own mind still brings it up as an alternative.
i turn it down, i can't try to do that again.

my dreams are drawn to my own demise.
i'm sure the same people will be there.
the same group always shows up.
i stand there and watch.
i ask if i must go.
i'm told no, but i must choose, either start living or lose.

i had made progress.
one night has turned me inside out.
it is amazing how my pendulum swings.
it defies gravity in how it can move against all possibilities.
i want to be a better person,
but right now i'm just fighting to stop huring.

i pace around my living room thinking i should be praying instead.

Ode to Headaches

welcome back, headache, my detested friend.
your presence is turning into day long visits.
i ponder if i will ever mend.
your demands becoming more persistant.

i turn off the lights.
i lay down in the darkness.
i give up the fight.
i embrace your nothingness.

ever since my budding womanhood you've existed.
the pain and the pressue unrelenting.
you've interrupted every moment of my life.
you have become medication resistant.
you come and go without me consenting.
will only death end my strife?

More then this

i can't think.
i can't focus.
the world is spinning.
my life is slipping.
i was hoping for more then this.

never hope above your station.
never over expect on your expectations.
i'm one short and fully loaded.
my life is tipping.
i was dreaming for more then this.

my head throbs.
my heart pounds.
the dog is licking off my dead skin.
my life is sinking.
i was believing in more then this.

faith is for fools.
i've been your tool.
i wanted you and i'm sorry.
my life is cracking.
i was thinking i deserve more then this.