More Than We Deserve

i want to ease your pain.
i want to carry your sorrows away.
your happiness matters to me.
i don't want to be a burden to you.
i don't want to be another chore.
i know i worry too much.
this love is moving faster then the speed of light.
i want this to be the last love i have.

i tend to forget to remember it's only been a little while.
my desire to please you sustains me.
when you don't respond quickly i get tied up in a knot,
but you unravel me easily, with a word or touch!

you've become my whole world, but i'm not yours.
we aren't balanced against each other's hearts.
it hurts me to still be separated from all of you.
and to know i can't yet share every part of you.
my patience is being tested and i want to pass!

i feel like i pressure you too much sometimes.
i hold my breath, afraid to let go to this emotion.
i want to give you all of me, but you can't handle that yet.
i don't want to screw this one up.
i love you too much!

today i found out you're allergic to cats!
how did i not know that!
what else don't i know about you?
time is the cruelest tease.
it promises forever with you but moves so slowly;
i grow anxious.

my own mind stacks the deck against me.
i won't let my insecurities doom us.
you are the sun and i revolve around you.
my heart is on board but my doubts are working hard not to be ignored.
i work myself up into a fear frenzy for no reason, but your voice calms me.

you settle my nerves.
i know one day soon we won't be apart anymore.
our worlds are destined to merge!
our love will grow stronger because we both love each other more then we deserve.

Heat in a Moment

it's a dark night, stars and moon are out of sight.
our cooling bodies entangled in the sheets.
the distant worries begin to accumulate.
life is altered from how we've known it.
all in the transfer of our body heat in a moment.
the passion ripples inside our bodies but my heart is unmoved.

i waited years to touch and kiss you.
i wanted you for so long i had almost quit,
but events unfolded like a treasure map.
you were led to me and i embraced you.
i'm not one to think things through
and now that our heat in a moment is at an end...

it's quiet as we lay side by side staring up at the ceiling.
the house could be on burning down and we wouldn't move.
the magic spell of passion's heat in a moment has been broken.
we both are wondering where do we go from here!

this adventure wasn't as fulfilling as i had dreamnt.
i built this moment up in my fantasies and reality tore it down.
my attention span has been redirected and you haven't even left my bed.
as the night slowly turns into day, this heat in a moment fades away.

i'm running like i always do, until another man catches my eye.
i love having a new one to pursue.
the chase is the heat that builds slowly before it ignites me.
one day i'll stop and regret all the love i've let pass me by,
but now i have to tell you good bye.
there's this really good looking guy i want to try!

Unasked

are you a dream?
i try to hold you but you always disappear.
are you a drug?
the more i get from you the more i want from you.
are you real?
you're too perfect to exist.

this game we're playing leaves me confused.
you won't give me the rules.
i'm chasing your shadow on a cloudy day, but when you smile all my doubts melt away.
i deserve more.

are you for me?
i have no idea what you want from me.
are you missing me?
you say you think about me sometimes, but is it as much as i think about you.
are you going to stay?
i'm scared you'll take my heart and run away.

this one sided dialogue is starting to loop.
i'm doing as i'm told, but i'd rather have you to hold.
i'm trying to savor our moments, but they pass too quickly.
i deserve you!

are you playing with me?
i'm feeling vunerable to you, but you come across so cold.
are you going to hurt me?
i've placed my trust into your hands, but i worry you don't care.
are you falling in love with me?
i know men and women don't fall in the same ways.

i am falling helplessly in love with you.
all these questions swirl unasked and unanswered in my mind.
i think about you all the time.
i dream about you every night.
you have all the answers, but i'm afraid to ask.
what if your answers aren't what i want to hear?
i wonder if you'll ever leave her.
i kick start your heart, but she's familiar to you.

are we going to explode or fall apart?
this won't end well.
are we both going to hell?
my happy ending will be a nightmare.
are you ready to risk it all for me?
that means you will lose her and then i might lose you.

i'm ready to put it all on the line for you, are you going to do the same for me?

Seek Clarity

should i be worried?
constant trouble rests on my mind
opinions are tossed out hurried
the consensus is i must be blind

time is slipping away from me on a downward slope
gracefullness isn't in my character
can't keep myself dangling on such a short rope
obsession has given me a hair trigger

underneath my calm exterior
lonliness consumes me to the breaking point
obviously, i'm pretending to be cheerier
maybe it's time to make my point

before i speak up i select my words carefully
ecstasy rest upon me seeking clarity

Pacing

i pace in the anxious worry of fear's embrace.
my mind races from worse to the worst case scenario.
i know there is no one that will come to save me.
and i don't understand why i can't overcome my own neurosis.

i would walk away from myself, but i'm attached.
i tossed and turned last night struggling with insomnia again.
sleep is so hard to come by that i begin to break.
i'd take some pills, but they stopped working.

i turn to the good book for some good advice.
i notice the word fornicate is in there alot.
my thoughts are not holy ones.
i miss a man's touch.
why do i make it so difficult for me to love?

i combatted a migraine last night.
i think it was a draw.
my head now aches dull, but the migraine isn't gone.
but the pain is at least tolerable to me.
i wonder if i'll ever be free from pain.

i know what i am thinking about is a sin.
it is selfish and self seving and wrong.
but my own mind still brings it up as an alternative.
i turn it down, i can't try to do that again.

my dreams are drawn to my own demise.
i'm sure the same people will be there.
the same group always shows up.
i stand there and watch.
i ask if i must go.
i'm told no, but i must choose, either start living or lose.

i had made progress.
one night has turned me inside out.
it is amazing how my pendulum swings.
it defies gravity in how it can move against all possibilities.
i want to be a better person,
but right now i'm just fighting to stop huring.

i pace around my living room thinking i should be praying instead.

In The Dark

in the dark i sit to gather my thoughts.
what was today?
and what did it mean to me?
the aching shoulder
or the throbbing knee,
which one will be the death of me?

in the dark i lay waiting for sleep.
what will tomorrow bring?
and how will it impact me?
the pills taken
or the alcohol drank,
which one of these will be the end of me?

in the dark i fret about my life.
where am i going?
and when will i get there?
the mistakes i'm making
or the reckless actions i'm taking,
which one will be the destruction of me?

in the dark i hope for a better day.
why can't i get better?
and when will i get it right?
the men i've loved
or the loved ones i've lost,
which one will be what breaks me?

Still Searching

I can't make a stand,
I don't believe in anything.
I can't take your hand,
I'm not worthy.

I'm still searching.
My life's upside down.
I'm residing inside myself.
I'll call you when I find myself.

The harder I try the more I fail.
My luck is nil.
I take another pill,
just to get through the day.

I'm full of worry.
My heart can't take much more.
I miss you baby.
But I can't stay.
It's all mixed up.

I see a long road before me.
My memory will hold you.
I'm still searching for love.