Migraine

i am locked into a battle with my own head.
the pain hides beneath my skull.
it pounds with no mercy.
my eyes close to shut out the light.
i pray for God to help me with this fight.

i wake up hot and sweaty.
the scent of illness lingers on my flesh.
my fever burns me from the inside out.
i worry about the day.
how am i to function this way?

i take a cold shower to lower my body heat.
i think i see steam coming off of my body.
i take the recommended medications.
i hope they are able to kill the monster inside my brain.
my skin is hot to the touch.
i curl up on my couch and cry.

i fall into a deep drug induced sleep.
my dreams are hazy, disturbed and brief.
i awake to the sound of a horn.
the dog licks the salt from the tracks of my tears.
i slept 2 hours, but the migraine still rages.
the migraine is winning this war.

it takes all the strength i have to get up.
i stumble to the kitchen sink to drink some water.
the day's are longer when the pain is stronger.
i am overwhelmed from this battle.

i manage to get up the stairs
and collapse into my bed.
i lie there staring up at the ceiling,
while the migraine strangles my thoughts.

i close my eyes and try to focus.
i utter one sentence,
God please help me!
finally, i drift off into the solace of sleep.

it's 2 am now.
i have awoken feeling better.
i take another cold shower.
the fever is gone,
but the migraine desperately hangs on.

the pain is now dull.
it is a welcomed change.
i thank God for the relief.
i can see the light at the end of this excruciating tunnel.

i smile a little bit.
my migraines and i have a long history.
it's not my friend, but a bitter enemy.
one day i had hoped they'd disappear,
but now i know the migraines will come and go as they please.

i will enjoy the peace in between these battles.

Pacing

i pace in the anxious worry of fear's embrace.
my mind races from worse to the worst case scenario.
i know there is no one that will come to save me.
and i don't understand why i can't overcome my own neurosis.

i would walk away from myself, but i'm attached.
i tossed and turned last night struggling with insomnia again.
sleep is so hard to come by that i begin to break.
i'd take some pills, but they stopped working.

i turn to the good book for some good advice.
i notice the word fornicate is in there alot.
my thoughts are not holy ones.
i miss a man's touch.
why do i make it so difficult for me to love?

i combatted a migraine last night.
i think it was a draw.
my head now aches dull, but the migraine isn't gone.
but the pain is at least tolerable to me.
i wonder if i'll ever be free from pain.

i know what i am thinking about is a sin.
it is selfish and self seving and wrong.
but my own mind still brings it up as an alternative.
i turn it down, i can't try to do that again.

my dreams are drawn to my own demise.
i'm sure the same people will be there.
the same group always shows up.
i stand there and watch.
i ask if i must go.
i'm told no, but i must choose, either start living or lose.

i had made progress.
one night has turned me inside out.
it is amazing how my pendulum swings.
it defies gravity in how it can move against all possibilities.
i want to be a better person,
but right now i'm just fighting to stop huring.

i pace around my living room thinking i should be praying instead.