Unasked

are you a dream?
i try to hold you but you always disappear.
are you a drug?
the more i get from you the more i want from you.
are you real?
you're too perfect to exist.

this game we're playing leaves me confused.
you won't give me the rules.
i'm chasing your shadow on a cloudy day, but when you smile all my doubts melt away.
i deserve more.

are you for me?
i have no idea what you want from me.
are you missing me?
you say you think about me sometimes, but is it as much as i think about you.
are you going to stay?
i'm scared you'll take my heart and run away.

this one sided dialogue is starting to loop.
i'm doing as i'm told, but i'd rather have you to hold.
i'm trying to savor our moments, but they pass too quickly.
i deserve you!

are you playing with me?
i'm feeling vunerable to you, but you come across so cold.
are you going to hurt me?
i've placed my trust into your hands, but i worry you don't care.
are you falling in love with me?
i know men and women don't fall in the same ways.

i am falling helplessly in love with you.
all these questions swirl unasked and unanswered in my mind.
i think about you all the time.
i dream about you every night.
you have all the answers, but i'm afraid to ask.
what if your answers aren't what i want to hear?
i wonder if you'll ever leave her.
i kick start your heart, but she's familiar to you.

are we going to explode or fall apart?
this won't end well.
are we both going to hell?
my happy ending will be a nightmare.
are you ready to risk it all for me?
that means you will lose her and then i might lose you.

i'm ready to put it all on the line for you, are you going to do the same for me?

Pacing

i pace in the anxious worry of fear's embrace.
my mind races from worse to the worst case scenario.
i know there is no one that will come to save me.
and i don't understand why i can't overcome my own neurosis.

i would walk away from myself, but i'm attached.
i tossed and turned last night struggling with insomnia again.
sleep is so hard to come by that i begin to break.
i'd take some pills, but they stopped working.

i turn to the good book for some good advice.
i notice the word fornicate is in there alot.
my thoughts are not holy ones.
i miss a man's touch.
why do i make it so difficult for me to love?

i combatted a migraine last night.
i think it was a draw.
my head now aches dull, but the migraine isn't gone.
but the pain is at least tolerable to me.
i wonder if i'll ever be free from pain.

i know what i am thinking about is a sin.
it is selfish and self seving and wrong.
but my own mind still brings it up as an alternative.
i turn it down, i can't try to do that again.

my dreams are drawn to my own demise.
i'm sure the same people will be there.
the same group always shows up.
i stand there and watch.
i ask if i must go.
i'm told no, but i must choose, either start living or lose.

i had made progress.
one night has turned me inside out.
it is amazing how my pendulum swings.
it defies gravity in how it can move against all possibilities.
i want to be a better person,
but right now i'm just fighting to stop huring.

i pace around my living room thinking i should be praying instead.

Rerun

you run around screaming mine
like a dog chewing on its favorite bone.
you could pee on everything you own.
it's not going to stop me from going home.

i've seen all i need to see.
you have issues that really bother me.
you treat yourself like a king
and the whole world is here to please you.
i'm not your servant, so see ya!

you started this freak show.
i got caught up in the carnival.
your life is a full circus tent on fire.
i'd rather be married to an elephant
then listen to your bullshit another minute.

i don't need time to reconsider.
you aren't my burden.
you don't have your name in your underwear anymore,
so be a big boy and grow a set.
i didn't sign on to be your mother!
you don't get it.

i'd rather be alone
then be expected to bow to you.
so, go back to the web
and lie about yourself again.

your looks get you bites to reel the women in,
but the bait and switch that you do
will end up just like this;
you lying, her saying good bye loser,
it's a story you've lived hundreds of times before.

here's a toast to your happy ending.
i tip my hat to your unending quest
to find a woman whose so broken and blind
she'd love you for the rest of her life.
i'm changing the channel.
i've already seen this rerun!

Loser

do you think i'm a loser,
cuz i can't give you everything?
do you think i'm defective,
cuz i can't satisfy all of your needs?

you got me dancin' to your tune.
you keep pullin' on my strings.
my world revolves around you.
i hold my breath every time you breathe.

chargin' up for our next encounter,
readin' up on your horoscope,
got all your bases covered.
gonna impress you with how deep my feelings go.
gonna show you how much i know.
ain't ever gonna let you go.

veritgo, spinnin', never get a grip.
i ain't ever winnin' this battle we in.
you love me then you don't.
you want me then you don't.
how am i supposed to know if it's an up day or a downer?

you got me hangin' on your every word.
you go me followin' your every move.
my life is built all around you.
my heart only beats cuz you breathe.

do you think i'm a loser,
cuz i can't buy you pretty things?
do you think i'm defective,
cuz i can't fulfill your dreams?

I Chase Away All the Good

my heart has dried out smaller then the grinch's before he gave back christmas. i'm in the middle of a love drought, unable to find an oasis to save me from these hallucinations. i'm dying slowly each man at a time. i go through them like there's an endless supply. i can't settle and i won't compromise. i chase away all the good in my life.

i like the bed all to myself. i love my bed more then anyone else. there's only room for one. you might visit when i want some sex, but the invitations short lived and i move on. ignore me, store me in tupperware. throw me in the freezer, cut off all my hair. you were ok and the chemistry was in the middle of the periodic table. put the sparks fade, the light's dim, and i chase away all the good in my life.

i've been accused of many crimes. i've committed some and got away barely every time. the infractions were small but the message was clear, i believed the laws are bendable if you know how to play to the crowd. public opinion is panicing people too scared to read the facts. knee jerk reactions lead to law changes that can't be enforced because the officers are outnumbered. so i chase away all the good.

i can make all the observations i want. i can talk nonsense and bash anyone in the world because i have free speech but am i free. my taxes eat away any hope i'll ever escape from my debt. thank god debtor's prison no longer exists. i'd be there living on water and bread. i chase away all the good.

there's no point in living if you lay in bed all day. prop up the pillows and hacksaw open my brain. find the section that is rotted and black, cut it out so it never grows back. then maybe one day i'll stop chasing all the good away.

Five and Dimes

you don’t understand me and you don’t even pretend to try anymore
it’s your soul i’ve been trying to reach
it’s not my fault you sold it to the devil
everybody wants someone to blame
every little problem they have is beyond their control
they are a victim, helpless and torn

the five & dimes are all closed up
All you see are broken windows, cracked sidewalks, and rats
downtown looks abandoned and forlorn
the american dreams is cheaper at wal mart
small town america is fading fast
you got to have a mall in town to last
it’s all about yourself and to hell with everybody else

nobody wants to care about someone else
the only track your on is the me express
and you only stop when you see someone with something you got to have
you may say the right words
you may nod your head in sympathy
but what you’re thinking is how can i get away and think about me

the five & dimes are all closed up
all you see are broken windows, cracked sidewalks, and rats
downtown looks abandoned and forlorn
the american dreams is cheaper at wal mart
small town america is fading fast
you got to have a mall in town to last
it’s all about yourself and to hell with everybody else

Bravo

I can’t take anymore. I’m up in the clouds and we’re floating around with no worries and in an instant I’m face down on the ground. Broken and bruised and barely breathing and you’re gone.

I never saw it coming.

The wind changed so fast. I believed every promise that our love would last. Bravo, what a great performance!

I waited with anticipation for every line. You’re the great deceiver baby. Bravo, you fooled me into loving you. Bravo! I’m losing everything.

I’m nice and warm lying in bed next to you lost in the sweetest dreams and then darkness creeps in. Then a cold chill wakes me up and you’re gone. I never saw it coming. You gave me no warnings. Every night you held me close to your heart.
Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

Why O Why?

I’ve lost my focus. My inspiration is gone. My muse abandoned me. I’ve been used and now I’m discarded and bruised. I don’t know what to do. I watch the minutes go by as my fears start coming down mixed within my tears. I’m so petrified at the years I’ve wasted. I fooled myself into believing you meant me no harm. You stranded me. You threw me out of your arms and I hit the dirt hard. It knocked me out cold. I came to and you were long gone. There was nothing I could do. I held my head in my hands amazed at my own stupidity. You said we’d always be friends, but now I’m sitting here alone and I can see I got the short end of the stick, again.

Why O Why did you lie and leave me all alone when you knew that I loved you? Why O Why did you lie, make me cry, and swear to make you miserable? Why O Why can’t I let you go? I want to hunt you down and destroy you. Why O Why did you lie?

You set the stage perfectly. Every performance you gave me was academy worthy. The bate was on your hooks and you reeled me in every time. I was eating up every word you said. I had your bull shit with the fine wine. You left me blind. I didn’t see the punch coming. You took every one of my dimes. You said there was no crime. You conned me legally. I even felt guilty to accuse you. You made me think I was the problem. You sold your shit so well, because I bought all of it. I had pictures of you all over my place which just got foreclosed on today. I tried to look you up to bitch you out, but you don’t exist anymore. You disappeared along with my money. Damn it, you must think you are home free. Bet you already forgot about me. I’ve got a purpose now. It’s to find your sorry ass and take my money’s worth out of it.

Why O Why did you lie?

Cupid's Arrow

i've left love behind me but i know i'll be back again, someday. i run and i hide but cupid's damn arrow keeps finding me. i don't trust what my heart whispers to me. i've been wrong too many times to let my instincts guide me.

it's like there's a neon flashing sign on my forehead that screams, losers apply here in bright hot flashing pink.

i do things my own way in my own time. it's the road i've been on for a long time. i can't give up my control to anyone else. it holds me together when things go wrong. i hold on tight to my independence. this offends so many guys, i've even made some of them cry.