At War

i follow the doctor's orders to the letter to feel better.
i need to apply the same principal to the 10 commandments to save my soul.
in my system, good goes gray and bad hangs around me in a purple haze.
i can't find my center.
the wii says i'm always leaning to the right,
but i'm always wrong!

there's an emptiness looming on my horizon.
i live two hours away from anyone i care about.
i have a lot more time coming into my hands.
i need some good directions,
but all i got is a high speed internet connection.

i'd love to have unlimited resources, but i don't.
money will be tight for awhile.
this is my time to do something for me,
but i don't know what i want.

i feel anxious, nervous, and confused.
it is an illusion they sold to me.
answers come with age, is what they told me.
maybe, i'm just not old enough yet!

i click on one button to post this to my blog.
i have not been able to find such a button inside me to push to motivate myself.
in my head, words become weapons and emotions liabilities.
i can't locate my safe haven.
the good book states that peace begins within,
but i'm always raging my own internal war!

Baby Bird

i'm in the middle of an internal war.
i tug and pull trying to free myself from sin.
my soul is half light and half darkness.
i make a little progress towards good
and i hear my screams in my dreams.
i cry and the salt burns my eyes.

you reach out to pull me to safety.
i try to hold on but it's not working.
i can't meet all the demands.
i feel the world crushing my chest.
i hear the whispers, has she lost it yet?
i turn to Jesus and fall into his words.
i hope when i emerge i am healed.

i feel like a baby bird that's fallen out of the nest.
i'm still new in the ways of good.
i don't know how to fly yet.
i'm trying to gather all the scraps of my past.
i want to put them to rest.
what is the point of starting over if you forget why you need to?

i see the stage set for my first performance.
there's an audience of one.
He sees what's on my mind
and what's in my heart.
His love is all that matters.
i've had a 1,000 chances, but he never tires.
He always welcomes me home.

this is the beginning of a new me.
i've tried before, but i never get to the happy ending.
i always fell off the wagon,
but i've never taken it this seriously before.
i carry His words everywhere with me.
i use His spirit like a shield to protect me.
i know my time grows short.
the only person i keep hurting is myself.

my eternity will be whatever i make it to be.
God will be with every step i take.
my faith is armor that covers me.
i will fight my battles day by day.
every choice i make brings me closer to heaven or hell.
there's no one else i can blame if i fail!
i accept God's will.

Pacing

i pace in the anxious worry of fear's embrace.
my mind races from worse to the worst case scenario.
i know there is no one that will come to save me.
and i don't understand why i can't overcome my own neurosis.

i would walk away from myself, but i'm attached.
i tossed and turned last night struggling with insomnia again.
sleep is so hard to come by that i begin to break.
i'd take some pills, but they stopped working.

i turn to the good book for some good advice.
i notice the word fornicate is in there alot.
my thoughts are not holy ones.
i miss a man's touch.
why do i make it so difficult for me to love?

i combatted a migraine last night.
i think it was a draw.
my head now aches dull, but the migraine isn't gone.
but the pain is at least tolerable to me.
i wonder if i'll ever be free from pain.

i know what i am thinking about is a sin.
it is selfish and self seving and wrong.
but my own mind still brings it up as an alternative.
i turn it down, i can't try to do that again.

my dreams are drawn to my own demise.
i'm sure the same people will be there.
the same group always shows up.
i stand there and watch.
i ask if i must go.
i'm told no, but i must choose, either start living or lose.

i had made progress.
one night has turned me inside out.
it is amazing how my pendulum swings.
it defies gravity in how it can move against all possibilities.
i want to be a better person,
but right now i'm just fighting to stop huring.

i pace around my living room thinking i should be praying instead.

Inequity

i carry a life full of inequity upon my shoulders.
i feel persecuted and alone in my troubles.
there are rumors amongst those i know.
the lies spread and grow beyond who i am.
the blatant manipulations of a few take their dark toll upon my precious soul.

every step i take i try to break free from the fear mongers whispering to me.
i am haunted by the time i lost locked up inside too afraid to move.
i hurt myself to know i still feel.
the blame rests with me for these sins.

one day death will seek me out.
every atom i am will turn to ash.
if i say a prayer for Jesus to be my savior,
will all my twisted thoughts disappear?
Do all my wounds heal?
i am covered in self-inflicted scars.
i bathe five times a day trying to wash away the stench of my fears.

i can't look myself in the eye in the mirror.
if God hears every one of my thoughts, does he cry like i do?
my morals are compromised.
my goodness rots on the vine;
never harvested and never applied.

i am told of a man in the bible named Job.
he suffered more then any human being has ever suffered.
his faith never waivered.
he was strong in his love of God.
i want to be more like Job, but i am weak.
i long for a stonger hand to hold mine to help me choose what's right.

i've given away all the good pieces of me.
i carry my mistakes like a cross upon my shoulders.
i have reaped what i have sown.
this life of fear is all i've ever known,
but i hope one day i will be free of all these burdens crushing me.