The Sudden

change happens; it appears overnight;
the sudden shift of your whole life with words you dread to hear;
i didn't even know this morning i had awoken to a whole new world.
in your dreams you never saw it coming;
somewhere inside my mind i had wished for crystal visions...
if my life is a mirror into my soul God would be bored to death with mine.

there's things i want to do, but i always say someday.
i'm still waiting on someday to come, but i fear death will find me first.
this sunshine is eclipsed by a dark moon rising.
my pot of chocolate gold wrapped coins that i can't even eat because now i'm diabetic has gotten stolen.
change lurks upon the horizon waiting to jump you,
beat you down, and destroy all you love and flip you off while it runs off with your stuff.

sometimes i can feel it coming, but you pray you can avoid disaster
but no amount of aversion can change the course
your not prepared for the battle when it comes
the war is in my head, but my body shows if i'm winning or losing
there's a place between acceptance and fighting the inevitable
i'm sitting there right now debating with my self on my next steps

what i do matters
what i say matters
what i think matters
what i need matters
what i want is what destroys me, it always destroys me!

change can be a friend or a foe
i don't know which one these changes are right just yet
i'd let hope back in but i'm too damaged to accept it as a comforting friend
i have to be awake and aware
i have been sleeping through my life letting every whim drive my direction

there is no resistance left in me
i change or i die
the rejection of the facts and to deny the test results if foolishness
tomorrow is no longer the distant future or some remote possibility
denial won't accomplish what i need
it's time for me to change

Better

tied to a butterfly's wings my anxiety flies away.
the wind and rain pound onto my heart in vain.
my strength waivers at times but i maintain i matter.
today i feel better!

happiness has never defined my life.
my personality teeters between crazy and crazier.
i give each man i love all i got but it ain't ever enough.
today i'll do better!

mood swings and personal demons take their toll.
i'm hard to like and harder to love.
the medication only destroys what makes me shine.
today i'll be better!

lonesome tears stain my cheeks.
life's sorrows overfill my cup.
on each horizon i see the road i should have been on.
today i'll choose better!

tomorrow brings unpredictable feelings.
i might be happy or i might be sad.
there's no way for me to make any kind of guarantee,
but today i was better!

My Exorcism

cast out the demons with holy water
leave the blood dripping from my eyes
bury me alive
catch my killer
i saw her in the reflection of the butcher knife
she looked just like me except for her eyes
her eyes were wild and crazy
she's bitter and hurt
she stabbed me almost 100 times right through my heart
until she collapsed from exhaustion

life was supposed to be a party full of presents, cake, and laughter
what i got never crossed my mind, but here it is
my misery colors my eyes midnight blue
i'll sneak out to the back so y'all can get on with my exorcism

throw me to the sharks one piece at a time
the blood smells like burnt flesh
as it dries on my hands i begin to understand
i'll never be safe from myself
one day i'll successfully kill me
only i could cut right through my own heart with one sure stroke
i'm angry and hurt
i want to pull apart my two sides
let the good happy side of me free
and bury the depressed angry me alive so i can hear her screams

life was supposed to be a party
but no on invited me
so i drink alone everyday
i'm not sleeping.
the blood shot eyes, the pill bottles everywhere,
i'm out back listening to y'all's happy chatter
wondering how long this attempted exorcism will last

No Pressure

the deadline is approaching, the system is exploding.
there is no way you can meet the demands.
just watch as your waistline expands.
you hear the blah, blah, blah
come out the technical mouths attached to the logical heads
you see your hands fly across the keyboard to their commands.
there's no pressure, no pressure at all.
there's no pressure, no pressure at all.

the bills are due tomorrow and the cash is running out.
you just got paid but the bank account is negative.
the juggling act just isn't cutting it
all you have is never enough
but there's no pressure, no pressure at all.
there's no pressure, no pressure at all.

the doctor won't see you without your copay
the prescriptions can't be filled unless you pay
how can i feel any better if i can't take my pills
all this pressure that doesn't exist is killing me here.
but it's all in my head, this pressure i feel.
sinus' are causing the brain to swell, there's no anxiety
just an infection that i can't afford to get healed.
there's no pressure, no pressure at all
there's no pressure, nope, no pressure at all.

Pressure

I wake up from the agony
The constant vice of pain
Wrapped around my brain
It's cold outside
And I can't explain
Why today the pressure
Is shattering my skull.

I pop the pills
In an attempt to relieve
The misery that's overcome me.
Three different kinds of rememdy
And no relief.
My eyes are swollen
My gums are bloody
The pressure destroys my
thoughts until there are none.

I feel the inside of my ears
The drums being beaten
The cavities being filled
A valentine's day gift
I'd like to return.
I want to escape
Go back to a day where there's sun.
Before I had succumbed
to all this sinus pressure.

ILL

Gray eyes blood shot and puffy
Dark bruised looking circles under my eyes
Pale translucent skin
Shaking cold hands
A cotton stuffed nose
Slapped with a brick across the forehead
Aching shoulders
Tension filled neck
Throbbing and burning left calf muscle
I am sick
ILL
Diseased
Under the weather
Deluded into thinking I am not contagious
I walk amongst my co-workers
Spreading the viral infections
Germs thriving and breeding
In a Society filled with people
To feed off of
I am sick
ILL
Diseased
Wrapped up into a world where taking off work is a dream
I continue to share my misery
Every time I sneeze
Bless me, bless me
Every time I cough
Pain fills me
Fire from my throat
Cracked lips moan
A daze of dullness blankets me
I am sick
ILL
Diseased
Under the Weather
Not feeling good
A corpse looks better
Exhausted I plunge onward
Wary of the cold
The iciness of the air strangles my breath
The coldness chills me to the very bones
Stomach clenches and knots
Nerves jangle and scream
Life doesn’t stop for me
When I am sick.