The Sudden

change happens; it appears overnight;
the sudden shift of your whole life with words you dread to hear;
i didn't even know this morning i had awoken to a whole new world.
in your dreams you never saw it coming;
somewhere inside my mind i had wished for crystal visions...
if my life is a mirror into my soul God would be bored to death with mine.

there's things i want to do, but i always say someday.
i'm still waiting on someday to come, but i fear death will find me first.
this sunshine is eclipsed by a dark moon rising.
my pot of chocolate gold wrapped coins that i can't even eat because now i'm diabetic has gotten stolen.
change lurks upon the horizon waiting to jump you,
beat you down, and destroy all you love and flip you off while it runs off with your stuff.

sometimes i can feel it coming, but you pray you can avoid disaster
but no amount of aversion can change the course
your not prepared for the battle when it comes
the war is in my head, but my body shows if i'm winning or losing
there's a place between acceptance and fighting the inevitable
i'm sitting there right now debating with my self on my next steps

what i do matters
what i say matters
what i think matters
what i need matters
what i want is what destroys me, it always destroys me!

change can be a friend or a foe
i don't know which one these changes are right just yet
i'd let hope back in but i'm too damaged to accept it as a comforting friend
i have to be awake and aware
i have been sleeping through my life letting every whim drive my direction

there is no resistance left in me
i change or i die
the rejection of the facts and to deny the test results if foolishness
tomorrow is no longer the distant future or some remote possibility
denial won't accomplish what i need
it's time for me to change

Sparrows and Lost Loves

why do people sing about sparrows and lost loves
when i can only summon chocolate wrapped bacon dreams?
baffle me again and again,
oh this muse of mine huffs cheap cleaner behind the dollar general,
and i drop the ball again!

cascading doubts wash me out.
i've got dirt under my nails again.
i don't want to fuss or deal with the mess.
hide me in plain sight;
ignore my stupid plight.
does anyone have a chocolate bunny?
i could use a bite!

why do people drive around in circles everyday to go to a job
that barely pays when i want to run away and play?
baffle me again and again,
oh this soul of mine yearns to buy some extra spirit to numb all this boredom,
and i kick myself while i'm down again!

righteous voices drown me out.
i'm full of dirty thoughts.
i have no fight left so just knock me out.
smother what remains of the fire inside;
turn a blind eye to my pathetic cries.
does anyone have some matches?
i could use the heat!

why do i pick men that walk through me like i'm a window,
and i cry when they leave?
baffle me again and again,
oh this heart of mine plays me for the fool all the time;
acting like i got feelings to spare and no cares.

falling fears surround me.
the dirt hurts.
i'll never be clean again.
i call out for help to silence;
once again i'm underwhelmed by artistic license.
i sink deeper into the nothingness!
does anyone have some pie?
i'd like to have one more slice before i die.

Unexpected Praise

touch me when i don't want you to.
push past all the bullshit i say to you.
i've got chocolate on my forehead
and a broken heart in the mail to you.
i'm too young to be so done with living,
but when you focused on me i wanted to live forever.

a number dances on my mind,
48, 48, 48 is when she died.
i don't know how much longer i've got,
so wasting this time loving you really sucks.
i worry about dying every day.
my demons are winning in every way.

you told me my writing blew you away.
i latch onto this unexpected praise.
intentions and desires clash and clog my vision.
i have lost all my perceptions.
you need to tell me what you really think when you think about me.

i seek solace in a forgiving man,
but he's never here when i need him the most.
i'm beginning to retreat back into my head.
this man isn't really my friend.
i ask for a simple hug and i get a shrug.

i don't want you to touch me anymore.
my shut down has commenced.
i'm giving you a big send off.
my heart is being shipped out
and i don't want it to ever come back.

Little Scraps of Paper

i document my feelings on little scraps of paper.
i have them tucked away in dark secret spaces,
wondering if any words can truly paint
an accurate picture of who i am.

the little scraps of paper are turning yellow.
the lead is fading and the ink smearing.
some of it is so light i can't read it anymore.
when the words disappear,
does part of me vanish with them?

i have written my life down.
sentences strung together haphazardly.
misspellings abound and i don't recall some of the emotions at all.
will anyone care that i felt so small?

i've built a papier-mache empire.
i surround myself with pens and post-it notes,
hoping to capture the elusiveness of my soul.
my pre-occupation with me prevents me
from forming meaningful attachements.
at least that's what a therapist told me long ago.

i spend hours speaking to the dead inside my head.
i'm trying to remember a forgotten friend.
i stand in the kitchen hoping to expose a fear,
but i end up eating chocolate
and writing on a napkin how i hope i choke.

i realize my little scraps of paper won't save me.
but i can't stop myself from adding to them.
when i die i want to be buried in a suit
made out of these little scraps of papers.
then i can review them with saint peter
as he decides if my immortal soul belongs in either heaven or hell.

Cheetos

my crime is all over my fat hands and shirt. the orange dust, instantly identifies i finished a whole bag of CHEETOS in the car on my way home from work

so slow-ly, so slow, slow, slowly, so slowly, I'm eating myself to death

i had a hot fudge cake, whip cream, no cherry, saved me a calorie. drove home with the windows down on a hot summer's day. i sweated hot fudge sauce from every pore it poured out of me.

so slow-ly, so slow, slow, slowly, so slowly, I'm eating myself to death

I got my 5 way today with 3 cheese coneys with everything at Gold Star Chili and I washed it all down with a big glass of ice water, cutting back on the extra fattiness these days

so slow-ly, i'm so slowly, we're slowly, i'm slow----ly, america is slow, slow, slowly, eating ourselves to death. Rock on Fat People like ME, now I really do want a bag of CHEETOS, not CHEETAHS!!!!

My

my days are full of challenges
i struggle to keep up to the robots
that surround me and never give up
i need rest, sustance, and levity
they only need more of the same
i think i've been chained to my desk
and like a dog i'm going crazy pacing
back and forth always in the same path

my nights are full of emptiness
the fans whirl making some noise
i don't, i just sit and stare
at the computer screen, a little
better then the one i spent all
day staring at, but the same
thing, i don't have anything better
to do, like a penny stuck in the bottom
of a purse, i never get used.

my heart is worn out
i used it to death
it's thread bare and down
to it's last breathe
i'm not sure which will
break down first my heart
or my car, i think it's a close call

my mind is a leaky faucet
i tighten the taps but there's still
a constant drip of knowledge falling
out. one day i'll awake to find
i've forgotten my own name
but can tell you my favorite tv show

my soul is seldom used
it would love to see some abuse
it languishes around
occasionally buzzing me to see
if i'm still alive
it's like that gnat you keep
swatting at but never flies away
someday i'll need it to pray

my body ... well let's skip that
there's too much wrong with it
to list them here would make
this a million pages long
i'm working hard to get better
but damn i love chocolate and cheese
chocolate cheesecake, yummy

Right Before Bed

Consciousness is fading fast, blackness is coming. i can't escape, everything is blurry. my heart beats loudly in my head. my hands are disconnected from my brain. how i learn is how to be anyone but me.

Rave like a lunatic, cower like a mutt. take over someone's life and leave them in the dust. build a coffin and fill it up with chocolate bars and cans of dr. pepper; i'll crawl right in with my i-pod blaring songs i love and you can bury me happily in the dirt.

Take my pulse. take my temp. check my throat, all you get is fake complaints and vanishing pains that come and go as they damn well please.

I can't be your lover or your friend. i want to have sex with you then kick you out. use you like i've been used. keep the damage flowing downhill. one day i'll make myself unusable.

My sole defense is insanity. the storm's racing through and flash flooding me. i can't stop these problems i have. i've been crying for over an hour and can't recall why it began. is that an issue, i don't understand.

Dreams of death mean life in reverse. i give birth to identical sextuplets but all it means is that my ideas are many but basically all the same in truth. i encompass what darkness embraces, encurable emotionally unprovoked mood swings.

See me through the hand that rocks an empty cradle. turn the mirrors on me, let me see the dark circles that surround my soul. beauty, death, hope, fear, incantations, carnations, roses, petunias, magic, and flirtations.

I'm a fool. i'm love's willing tool. i'm rusty from being left out in the rain. no one came back. no one came back to put me away. houses screaming, landscapes changing, how i hold down the fort is something i do just like breathing.

i can burn the house down and walk to the next state to my left and begin again until the fire is extinguished, then i'll do it again, until i burn out all the pain i'm in. sometimes i'm scared of me.