The Fear

the fear builds up in me until my screams reach a crescendo that drowns out my thoughts. i'm chasing shadows at noon outside on a a sunny day. i wonder if i'll ever hack into the central processor of my brain. i'd reprogram a better me on that day.

i've learned the lessons of fear well. someone give me an A. i always look both ways before i cross the street. i've bubble wrapped my heart and stowed it away. so i won't break, i'm afraid to break.

there's typical, functional, and normal behaviors. there's happy, healthy, and hopeful people. i'm more of an X where there should be an O. i'm the square peg trying to fit into a round hole. i've dropped the ball, misunderstood the instructions, and i've accumulated a mass grave of rejections.

i've fallen into this habit of fear. i let the wanton destruction of loniliness tear me down hourly. i could take some time to undo the harm i've caused my weary soul. but what i fear the most is not being afraid at all.

the fear is dusted and polished until it shines. i place it back where it belongs between me and the world. one step forward is one too many steps for me to take. i can't be brilliant and shine because then someone might see me.

the fear protects me.