More Candles on the Cake

soon another year passes me by and i increment my age plus one
my level of maturity is on the retarded level
i hate being the one person that everyone avoids

what happened to mother's little sunshine
i'm so bitter now and sadder then the moon when it's eclipsed by the sun
what are we to do with you
i smile and say it'll all be okay and then i change the subject
i bring around some frivoulous topic to my lips so we can all avoid my mental illness

here i am on the verge of losing everything and i'm so annoyed
i was a gifted student until i found it easier to play stupid
i got put in the easy classes and i coasted through
i would wear a smug smile knowing i was the smartest one in the class
i could avoid being challenged and it went by in a breeze

avoidance of my presence has become blatent even in cyberspace
i'm being blocked and unfriended at rapid rates
i feel so unloved and unwanted
nothing i do perks me up
i don't know how to stop the behavior that drives everyone away
if i did i'd do my best to stop it

i pull my own hair to feel something that is real
there's a pain that i cause when others see me
it's so unbearable that they all leave me
i circle and circle in on myself
the more candles on my cake the more i hate myself

Let Me Burn

Let me burn.
this house is vacant.
toss away the bad and there's nothing left.
i held onto my past too long and let my future fall inbetween the cracks.

i lack empathy.
i can't find you even when you're in plain view.
if i think about you my heart hurts.
i stopped pretending i didn't love you.

i'm climbing up an endless wall.
i'll never get over you.
i'm growing older.
my excuses are ringing hollow now.
i can't turn it back onto you.

these mistakes define who i am.
i tried to not try and i succeeded with minimal effort.
all i know how to do is avoid you.
i'm packing up all that i am into a small box.
i don't need myself anymore.

i can count the good times on one hand.
the bad times go on without end.
i got one hundred dollars and a gun.
i'll drink myself numb and if that's not enough, i'll use the gun.

i'll shoot every bullet into the ghost of you.
i don't care if it works or not.
my goal is simple enough.
i have to rid myself of my own fears.

tonight i will battle myself.
in quiet reflection of the raindrops,
i'll find the place inside of me not cracked.
i'm going to defeat my own mind.
no one is getting out alive!