Winter in Late March

the wind cuts through my three layers of clothes as if i've come outside naked.
i turn the corner and my breath catches and my heart stammers.
the briskness of my walk fails to warm me and i come back in unable to feel my extremities.
i clumsily peel back the clothes to confirm i still have my fingers and my toes!

i cover up in three blankets and a 30 pound puggle.
an hour has lapsed and the chill still permeates every cell of flesh i have.
the winter has been a bitter enemy;
the spring an unwilling ally.
the snow begins again bringing more dread with no end.
even the ghosts of my past have been frozen solid.

i sit still in the quiet hoping to be forgotten.
the extended grey skies have crippled my enthusiasms.
now the only appealing things in my world are heat and sleep.
no one smiles or looks up between their mad dashes from heated cars to heated stores to their heated houses.
we are being held prisoner by winter's unyielding wrath.

i dream of a sun filled paradise.
palm trees, swimming pools, pink drinks with umbrellas and a tan all dance around in my head.
the mirages never stay and every morning the cold stabs my hope to death.
i'd fly away if i could afford it, but winter knows i'm stuck and delights in my misery.

the sun is out and mocking me with its shine, but no warmth it provides.
my aches have aches.
my pains have pains.
every movement triggers a tormenting throbbing of every muscle.
i crank up the thermostat and grit my teeth.
the dollars lost hurt almost as much as my fingers do.

wintertime i beg of you, move on to some other country.
i've had enough of your attention this year.
my life is on pause until you leave.
please die so i can live.
my soul is suffocating under your unrelenting gaze.
you use to be my favorite time of year, but your welcome has passed.
winter it's not you it's me!

A Million Dandelions

he asked for my soul,
i handed it over; no doubts, no hesitation, no fears;
he asked for my lust,
i gave him all i had then he left and i got more;
he gave me his seed,
i'm trying to use it to fill a hole inside of me;
he gave me his love,
i took it and screamed at him it's not enough;

now we've reached reality,
the ecstatic mood has been broken;
an awkwardness has engulfed our every interaction,
my rational thoughts are flooding back to me;
the bell can not be unrung,
his hazel eyes have seen me crazy;

now there's secrets and lies,
i feel dirty, ashamed and unworthy;
he can't forget what his absence bore,
and i can't escape who i am when i'm not his whore;
time draws us closer to the bitter end,
love can't mend shredded dreams;

i stumbled over the ghost's of lovers past,
he boiled and now he simmers over it in his mind;
i snuck across a digital line,
my friend my fault and i agree;
i'm my own worst enemy and my own best friend;

i keep hope alive on caffeine and pizza,
he works himself into a numb living death;
i'll bury us under a million dandelions,
our love will never be gone;
we will forever float in the wind,
the seeds of us planting where ever they land!

I Dare You

i avoid real emotion when i can.
it's not hard if you try.
i use my empty bottles to countdown my life.
make me live, come on and do it!
i dare you.

i dance side to side then in a little circle.
i have no idea why.
it is what it is and that's what i do.
i'm not happy.
the sad is all too real.
love has left me deaf, dumb, and blind,
what has love done to you?

colors have become as bland as i am.
i'm washed out.
my apathy swells to ranges only reached by a blue robed choir.
my eyes are damp with teas that never get cried.
i'd tell you a secret but it would just be a lie.

i spin around my living room falling over furniture like a total spaz.
i've got no reason to tell you why i do these things.
if i could act normal i wouldn't bother to try.
my little quirks keep me entertained.
what enterains you on a rainy depression soaked day?

surrounded by people i am unattached.
i got a birthday coming up real quick.
makes me think i've accomplished shit.
oh, well, at least there's no where else to go.

i lay flat on the floor.
i'm sprawled out trying to fill up this small room.
i'm attempting to send a pulse down every nerve.
but i'm not feeling anything at all.
this is perfect numbness.

i could try to remember all the ones i've loved.
but the losses are all i can recall.
my veins run cold with the ice of death's breath.
i hear the chanting of their ghosts singing me a sweet note.

sing to me, sing to me, sing to me, sing to me
sing to me, sing to me, sing to me, sing to me please
i miss your voices
i miss having choices
tell me to breathe, i dare you!

End of My Rainbow

my depression is absolute.
i see ghosts all around me.
the ghost of who i thought i'd be is drinking tea.
the ghost of who i was before you died is eating for me.
the ghosts of those i loved but lost are laughing at the tv.
i'm haunted all the way to my soul.
these so called cures aren't worth their side effects.
i thought myself to doom.
i believed i would be immune.
my ignorance bum rushed me and i finally saw i died years ago.

there is a distortion in the sound surrounding me.
i'm always off key.
i want the resurrection promised on the blood of the savior lost to me.
i repent for all my sins in this moment of self-loathing.
it doesn't matter if i got caught,
i'm still punishing myself in my head.
i want freedom from my flesh.
i need will power to be able to do what is best.
the road is so clear, but i fell into the potholes on the way there.
i see what i want and what i need the most are one and the same.
love keeps me chasing all those ghosts.

i demand to know who made all the rules.
i suffer at the end of my rainbow in silence.
there's no treasure or gold.
where is my soul mate?
the yin to my yang doesn't exist.
the inspiration on every cheesy poster, t-shirt and selfhelp book has crucified my heart.
i'm being taunted by every hand holding, smiling, and laughing couple.
the damn ghosts of relationships past won't let me be.
i haven't forgotten that happiness used to exist within me.
i always thought there was something better around the corner,
but it's been a fruitless search.
when you're dead inside there is no happy ending.

Winter's Wind

i look inside of you, you have a heart so cold i cry for you;
because i know tears will never fall from your eyes.
hold your hands up to your face
and feel the cold of the winter's wind against your skin,
it's like the slap of your rejection,
that's how it felt to me when you broke my heart.

high above on my medically induced cloud nine i reflect upon this journey with you.
i wanted too little.
you wanted too much.
we never could agree on anything.

broken down.
broken hearted.
i'm broken inside and out.
i had my cracks before you came, but now i'm broken apart from this pain.

i've greived a little too long for something i never really wanted.
i had some spirit left, just enough to cover up the lies.
it worked, until the secret grew bigger then me
and took a life of its own.
all i could do was wait for the explosion.

now i'm still cleaning up the aftermath
and the winter's wind has come again.
its sting to my exposed flesh reminds me of you.
it's as if your hurtful and abusive mouth never left.

i have have to move on or I'll never get out of this mess.
i thought you were gone forever,
but you're still a pain in my ass with hateful emails full of threats.
i guess the games aren't over for you yet.
you were always a sore loser;
that's the only thing about you i know for sure is true.

i'm tired of my doubts.
i'll burn them and your memory once the divorce goes through.
maybe out there somewhere there's a better one for me.
i'm thinking about him i wonder if he's thinking about me.
hell, i'd rather be with anyone but you.

i'm chasing these ghosts of you away.
i toss them out my door and let the winter's wind carry them back to you.
i'm done being your fool.

Let Me Burn

Let me burn.
this house is vacant.
toss away the bad and there's nothing left.
i held onto my past too long and let my future fall inbetween the cracks.

i lack empathy.
i can't find you even when you're in plain view.
if i think about you my heart hurts.
i stopped pretending i didn't love you.

i'm climbing up an endless wall.
i'll never get over you.
i'm growing older.
my excuses are ringing hollow now.
i can't turn it back onto you.

these mistakes define who i am.
i tried to not try and i succeeded with minimal effort.
all i know how to do is avoid you.
i'm packing up all that i am into a small box.
i don't need myself anymore.

i can count the good times on one hand.
the bad times go on without end.
i got one hundred dollars and a gun.
i'll drink myself numb and if that's not enough, i'll use the gun.

i'll shoot every bullet into the ghost of you.
i don't care if it works or not.
my goal is simple enough.
i have to rid myself of my own fears.

tonight i will battle myself.
in quiet reflection of the raindrops,
i'll find the place inside of me not cracked.
i'm going to defeat my own mind.
no one is getting out alive!

Healthy

the days are passing by me in a blur.
the redundancy in my work is gettting on my nerves.
i hate what i do sometimes.
i know that's not healthy,
but my feelings erupt abruptly at times.

the nights are long lonely hours.
my sleep is plagued with taunts of love.
i wake up sad.
i know it's not healthy,
but my subconscious likes to toy with me.

the weekends are full of errands.
i think if i keep moving the depression won't catch me.
i had ideas of grandeur at one time.
i know denial isn't healthy,
but it's the only thing that keeps the pain at bay.

the hours wind down on the clock.
i keep holding onto ghosts.
i am unable to resolve my internal conflicts.
i know i'm not healthy,
but i can't seem to heal my emotional wounds.

the alarm clock goes off at the same time every day.
if you compared yesterday to today, only the date would change.
i had dreams long ago.
i know regret isn't healthy,
so help me Jesus to let go and move on!

In the Moonlight

i load my gun with bullets of hope.
i shoot it at the sun to light up the shadows.
you won't find any monsters here,
just some ghosts crying over their mistakes.

i took a vow to smile everyday.
i gave up smoking so my kid could breathe better.
i quit drinking so i wouldn't be an alcoholic,
but the history of my memories will haunt me for forever.

i work hard to acquire trinkets and gadgets.
if these are the good times i fear the worst.
the rich are wasteful but demand respect.
how can you be a hero if you sold your soul?
our society thrives on giving out second chances,
but the creation of a gentle and accepting people didn't happen.

i have limited understanding
and my flexibility is growing rigid.
every one looks better in the moonlight.
it doesn't mean we should all turn out our lights.
i'm tired of fighting for more.
i'd rather spend an infinity alone.
i take solace in the fact that one day i'll be dead
and this world won't be my problem anymore

7pm

last night as i laid in bed at 7pm,
i let my mind wander over what could have been.
i am wasting my days playing these what if games.
i am still aching over losing you.
i wonder how many months until i feel good?

i had a sad song stuck in my head.
all night long, i hummed along.
even when it started hurting my head.
i couldn't remember who sung it
or even the name of the song,
but i hung on to it,
like a life raft, i clung to it.
i hoped it would keep me from drowning in my memories of us.

last night as i laid in bed at 7pm,
i cried into my pillow again.
it's been nearly two months now,
i feel like a ghost of my former self.
i am haunted by your smile and voice.
life was so good for a little while.
i wonder how much longer must i endure,
until i feel whole again without you?

StereoTypes

i'm getting so tired of this merry go round i'm on.
i can't sleep more then 2 hours at a time.
i crave what is forbidden.
you're best to be far away from me right now.
i play the scene in my brain.
the truth is revealed and you leave me.
i've seen it a 1,000 times before,
but it's the memory that replays when i think of you.

am i the one you want to get rid of?
i've tried to purge your from me.
i've cleansed myself 100's of times,
but the toxicity of your memories remains.
you are the one i want to get rid of,
but i don't know how to.

i'm getting worn out from chasing your ghosts.
the shadows cling to all that's unhealthy.
i am focused concavely.
distances are distorted, but not out of sight.
i cry all over again.
this wasn't the ending i wanted.
i'm barren physically and emotionally.
you drew your conclusions,
and i'm the one that had to buck your stereotypes.