Marching Forward

from new paris to eaton to middletown to monroe to liberty township to canal winchester has been the path of my yellow brick road.
step to the rhythm of the FM radio, i fell deep into the credit card mania.
got swept away on a wave of debt and credit reports never forget.

took a few turns on the merry-go-round of love.
four men, i thought i'd live happily ever after with,
four men, and only one i decided to wed and he let me go, he let me go!

sweet is the world through the eyes of youth.
bitter the pill of reality.
a statistic in the fucking usa today, a teenage mother,
but i beat the odds, i did good.
i made it through college degree in hand and a plan.

time wears off the polish and your life begins to mold.
hope is shot dead by fear and you don't know which way to go.
examin the map that's gotten bigger then you thought.
the heart broken, the hands calloused, and a minding shutting down;
today seems like 16 years ago.

now it's back to square one.
one day at a time.
survive, sustain, and shut down the heart to outsiders.
look back inside your soul to find the gold.
let go. let go.
head down and keep marching forward on this yellow brick road.

More Candles on the Cake

soon another year passes me by and i increment my age plus one
my level of maturity is on the retarded level
i hate being the one person that everyone avoids

what happened to mother's little sunshine
i'm so bitter now and sadder then the moon when it's eclipsed by the sun
what are we to do with you
i smile and say it'll all be okay and then i change the subject
i bring around some frivoulous topic to my lips so we can all avoid my mental illness

here i am on the verge of losing everything and i'm so annoyed
i was a gifted student until i found it easier to play stupid
i got put in the easy classes and i coasted through
i would wear a smug smile knowing i was the smartest one in the class
i could avoid being challenged and it went by in a breeze

avoidance of my presence has become blatent even in cyberspace
i'm being blocked and unfriended at rapid rates
i feel so unloved and unwanted
nothing i do perks me up
i don't know how to stop the behavior that drives everyone away
if i did i'd do my best to stop it

i pull my own hair to feel something that is real
there's a pain that i cause when others see me
it's so unbearable that they all leave me
i circle and circle in on myself
the more candles on my cake the more i hate myself

Onward Ho!

my intellect has saved me a time or two,
but my heart screws me over every time with you.
take a drink from my cup.
split our assests in half.
leave me your old jacket to button up.
all the memories wash over me.
i can't think myself out of this one.

my heart fully committed
and now i'm alone sweeping up it's pieces off the floor.
going back to the day you slammed the door on me and you.
the pain has its phases,
denial, anger, grief, and bitterness;
all alcohol and pill fueled.
only time seems to ease this tragedy.

i keep looking back.
i'm missing what i have.
it's right for me to bury this hatchet you gave me.
my brain's on board with my moving onward plan.
but my heart still clings to the hope,
you and i will get back together someday.

Dead Horse

i got another call from you.
i didn't say much.
i didn't listen either.
you've said it all before.
there's no point in beating my dead horse.

it's akward and it'll stay that way.
i'm not being difficult.
it's the way i feel.
i can't change my emotions on a dime.
i can't turn my love off then on like a light switch.
the only cure here is time.

you keep reaching out to me.
i deleted your number off of my phone.
i'm not bitter,
but depression is now my home.
your voice is painful to me
and it used to brighten my day.

if i spoke up you'd say i'm petty
funny, you never could tell me i was pretty.
criticism was always easier for you,
but i'm no longer a volunteer.
i have to disengage myself from you
or be drowned to death from my pain.

next time you call i won't pick up.
i know you'll think i suck.
i was never good at driving in reverse.
so in theory, yes, i'm your friend,
but i think it's time i bury this dead horse.

Shrink Wrapped

i keep making promises to myself.
i keep breaking promises to myself.
no one fucks me over better then i do.
my self-esteem's run out.
i'm powerless and full of doubts.
i have dark circles under my eyes.
i feel my life has been paused with a too be continued sign,
but got cancelled before the next season could begin.

the aftertaste of failure is bitter.
my stomach clenches and knots.
since when have i been this confused.
the endlessness of time stretches cruelly before me.
there's no hope out there for me.

my skin itches and feels chapped.
i look like i've been shrink wrapped.
all my feelings are pre-shrunk and vacuum packed.
i never did see anything in the mirror that i thought looked like me.
but it never changes, the image just grows fainter.
i project sloppy and disheveled, sweaty and unclean.
i just showered, but that's just how it is.
my body has never agreed with me.

i thought being clever and smart with a knack for kissing up would be enough to get me by in the world.
but i keep going backwards.
i do everything wrong.
i lack social graces and make funny faces.
this hinders my rise to be more then the bottom rung of life.
i know now how the gerbil running on the plastic wheel feels.
if it wasn't so damn sad i'd laugh at myself.

i've been working hard for so long that i've forgotten what i'm working for.
money won't heal my wounds.
i got some salt.
would you like to rub it in?
i'll juggle some eggs and you can hackle me as they hit me in the face.
these days i'm lucky to get out of bed.
i just want to lie perfectly still.
if i don't move maybe my demons will leave.

i can't let life keep beating me down with my own bat.
but i'm a cornered rat.
the cheese looks so good.
i have no will power.
feed me negativity.
my misery sops it up like a sponge.
oh God, i'm leaving, can you send me some directions to hell.
oh, wait, i'm already there, gee, that's swell.

toss away my shackles.
raise up on my feet to take a peek of who i thought i should be.
i wave to her, but she looks at me with disdain.
even i don't love me; not surprised, there's not much to me.
i'm so boring.
i bet you are nodding off by now.
the silence is so loud.
i cover my ears before it deafens me.

i hear sing song voices in my head.
they taunt me and tell me i'll never be good enough.
no man will ever love me.
i'll be in the closet, hiding, hoping no one finds out.
i've lost my mind.
i've lost my heart.
if i had a soul it took off long ago.
i could ramble for another 10 stanza's, but i'd just repeat what we already know.
every thing i've ever written has been wrote before.

The Days I Waste

There are days where time moves so slowly I feel every second in a minute pass by.
If that is boredom, then I know it well.
The hours I've wasted staring up at the sky,
With my mind creating images and patterns where none exist.
The mind is an ego-centric being trying to impress
Upon the clouds its own designs.

I hear in the distance a dog barking and a bird singing.
I feel the sun warming my flesh.
I see the periwinkle sky dotted with the white wisps of clouds.
Yet I am thinking about the nothingness of it all.
The hollowness that is inside my soul processes no emotions.

I only know the world by its cold aethestics.
The subtle tones and varying shades of humanity are lost to me.
Another hour today is no different then an hour tomorrow.
I've burned out my emotional retinas.
My perception is tainted with the bitterness of heartbreak.