as the day drags on i wonder why i bother to try;
my efforts end in disappointment.
pain is my only friend.
with every new ache i debate where my road leads.
goals seem futile.
dreams seems implausible.
hopes seem irresponsible.
yes, the more the day drags on the more restless i become.
as the day drags on it is beating me down.
every minute feels like forever.
time stops and taunts.
with every second i long to leave.
work is pointless.
planning is useless.
thinking is worthless.
yes, the more the day drags on the more i hate it.
as the day drags on i feel like i'm dying.
my flesh grows wrinkled.
my heart slows.
with every new gray hair i wish this day would end.
laughing seems futile.
smiling seems painful.
happiness seems beyond my reach.
yes, the more this day drags on the more i'm over it.
Showing posts with label hate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hate. Show all posts
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
He's Never Far
he's never far; either in my thoughts or in these scars he carved into my heart.
he's never far; his smile or his hazel eyes are burned into every tear
and every twinkle of my eyes.
he's never far; his memory makes me feel and i miss him.
i miss the pain and i miss saying his name.
it's hard to be here.
he's so near but so far away.
his warmth is beyond my reach.
the reality brought us crashing down.
i feel the full weight its gravity upon my chest.
he's never far, but he's far enough away to not be mine anymore.
he's never far; either in my dreams or these words being shared with the world.
he's never far; his laugh or his caresses are casting a long shadow over me.
he's never far; time is slow to erase his mark. i miss it.
i miss him and i love it and i hate it.
it's hard to be here.
alone but haunted by the sweetest memories.
he's so near and he's so dear to me.
i feel by now i should have moved on.
he's never far, but he's oh so near!
he's never far; his smile or his hazel eyes are burned into every tear
and every twinkle of my eyes.
he's never far; his memory makes me feel and i miss him.
i miss the pain and i miss saying his name.
it's hard to be here.
he's so near but so far away.
his warmth is beyond my reach.
the reality brought us crashing down.
i feel the full weight its gravity upon my chest.
he's never far, but he's far enough away to not be mine anymore.
he's never far; either in my dreams or these words being shared with the world.
he's never far; his laugh or his caresses are casting a long shadow over me.
he's never far; time is slow to erase his mark. i miss it.
i miss him and i love it and i hate it.
it's hard to be here.
alone but haunted by the sweetest memories.
he's so near and he's so dear to me.
i feel by now i should have moved on.
he's never far, but he's oh so near!
Friday, January 20, 2012
Incomplete
i ask you to marry me in one sentence
and downplay it as jest in the next,
but if my heart could shout
it would cry out for you to be my man!
i'm right here, but you don't see me.
i'd love to expand the world's population with you.
your shaved head, goatee, and hazel eyes have me mesmerized.
how do i take control with you when i've never had it before?
i don't want a phone smarter then me.
caves, bungee jumps, and roller coasters don't call out to me.
the adventure i seek drinks his whiskey neat.
he doesn't cut corners, is borderline ocd, and eats meat.
promises haven't been exchanged.
we make out and dry hump regularly.
the build up to something more has fizzled out.
my mental images are the only ones getting off.
i love chocolate, the color yellow, and daffodils.
i hate clowns, death, and people who mock me.
what i know about scott can't complete this sentence.
he camps, off roads certain vehicles, and loves at least 1 of his 7 children.
my file on him is as incomplete as this poem.
i think we'd set the world on fire together.
our demons can throw one hell of a party.
little petey and i could meet daily.
let's talk about our feelings.
undo the damage done by years of neglect.
i'll take your hand and understand.
i'll love all of you and not just the parts i like.
you're a whole person, both good and bad.
i want to know it all.
please show me every part of your personality.
i know it's more complicated then i think.
i'm not here to save you or fix you.
you don't need that from me.
i accept you just the way you are.
you're beautiful to me.
but you never gave me a chance to love you.
this romance was all happenstance.
now you get a faux happy ending with her
and i'm left alone and incomplete!
and downplay it as jest in the next,
but if my heart could shout
it would cry out for you to be my man!
i'm right here, but you don't see me.
i'd love to expand the world's population with you.
your shaved head, goatee, and hazel eyes have me mesmerized.
how do i take control with you when i've never had it before?
i don't want a phone smarter then me.
caves, bungee jumps, and roller coasters don't call out to me.
the adventure i seek drinks his whiskey neat.
he doesn't cut corners, is borderline ocd, and eats meat.
promises haven't been exchanged.
we make out and dry hump regularly.
the build up to something more has fizzled out.
my mental images are the only ones getting off.
i love chocolate, the color yellow, and daffodils.
i hate clowns, death, and people who mock me.
what i know about scott can't complete this sentence.
he camps, off roads certain vehicles, and loves at least 1 of his 7 children.
my file on him is as incomplete as this poem.
i think we'd set the world on fire together.
our demons can throw one hell of a party.
little petey and i could meet daily.
let's talk about our feelings.
undo the damage done by years of neglect.
i'll take your hand and understand.
i'll love all of you and not just the parts i like.
you're a whole person, both good and bad.
i want to know it all.
please show me every part of your personality.
i know it's more complicated then i think.
i'm not here to save you or fix you.
you don't need that from me.
i accept you just the way you are.
you're beautiful to me.
but you never gave me a chance to love you.
this romance was all happenstance.
now you get a faux happy ending with her
and i'm left alone and incomplete!
Friday, December 2, 2011
Go Ahead and Scream
i have to sleep if i'm going to church.
i have to think even if it hurts.
one little ache echoes throughout my nervous system.
i fall wounded but aware onto my bed where i no longer care.
turn a trick to pay the rent.
it's nothing without love.
i find God in my heart but hate in my thoughts.
there's no more excuses to buy me more time.
dreaming of portals to take me back in time.
undo some mistakes, take some chances i didn't take.
learn if i would still be here and if i'd still cry.
what if i live better in another dimension?
could i swap out the old for the new?
put into circulation an upgrade of me that everyone wants to love.
confusion bends my eyes to see flaws and discrepancies everywhere.
i don't balance my checkbook.
i hate all the fees when i come out red,
it is such a horrible color for me.
space is a vacuum of darkness,
go ahead and scream, no one hears it out there
and down here no one cares.
so take the sharpest thought you got,
stab at the world's toughest problems.
save the poor, feed the pot bellied children,
go and fight a war thousands of years in the making.
the weapons are vastly improved, but the games still dirty.
i can't stay on one subject for too long.
i zig then i zag.
i look at every price tag.
i can't find what it is i'm looking for.
the catalogs and web sites only want me to buy more.
this is unknown territory for me,
but i fearlessly march right into it.
a stick or a bullet can kill.
i fight battles that aren't real.
my spirit is starved from lack of inspirational prose,
so i'll got to bed so i can go to church tomorrow
and find the purpose i lost long ago.
i have to think even if it hurts.
one little ache echoes throughout my nervous system.
i fall wounded but aware onto my bed where i no longer care.
turn a trick to pay the rent.
it's nothing without love.
i find God in my heart but hate in my thoughts.
there's no more excuses to buy me more time.
dreaming of portals to take me back in time.
undo some mistakes, take some chances i didn't take.
learn if i would still be here and if i'd still cry.
what if i live better in another dimension?
could i swap out the old for the new?
put into circulation an upgrade of me that everyone wants to love.
confusion bends my eyes to see flaws and discrepancies everywhere.
i don't balance my checkbook.
i hate all the fees when i come out red,
it is such a horrible color for me.
space is a vacuum of darkness,
go ahead and scream, no one hears it out there
and down here no one cares.
so take the sharpest thought you got,
stab at the world's toughest problems.
save the poor, feed the pot bellied children,
go and fight a war thousands of years in the making.
the weapons are vastly improved, but the games still dirty.
i can't stay on one subject for too long.
i zig then i zag.
i look at every price tag.
i can't find what it is i'm looking for.
the catalogs and web sites only want me to buy more.
this is unknown territory for me,
but i fearlessly march right into it.
a stick or a bullet can kill.
i fight battles that aren't real.
my spirit is starved from lack of inspirational prose,
so i'll got to bed so i can go to church tomorrow
and find the purpose i lost long ago.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Winter's Wind
i look inside of you, you have a heart so cold i cry for you;
because i know tears will never fall from your eyes.
hold your hands up to your face
and feel the cold of the winter's wind against your skin,
it's like the slap of your rejection,
that's how it felt to me when you broke my heart.
high above on my medically induced cloud nine i reflect upon this journey with you.
i wanted too little.
you wanted too much.
we never could agree on anything.
broken down.
broken hearted.
i'm broken inside and out.
i had my cracks before you came, but now i'm broken apart from this pain.
i've greived a little too long for something i never really wanted.
i had some spirit left, just enough to cover up the lies.
it worked, until the secret grew bigger then me
and took a life of its own.
all i could do was wait for the explosion.
now i'm still cleaning up the aftermath
and the winter's wind has come again.
its sting to my exposed flesh reminds me of you.
it's as if your hurtful and abusive mouth never left.
i have have to move on or I'll never get out of this mess.
i thought you were gone forever,
but you're still a pain in my ass with hateful emails full of threats.
i guess the games aren't over for you yet.
you were always a sore loser;
that's the only thing about you i know for sure is true.
i'm tired of my doubts.
i'll burn them and your memory once the divorce goes through.
maybe out there somewhere there's a better one for me.
i'm thinking about him i wonder if he's thinking about me.
hell, i'd rather be with anyone but you.
i'm chasing these ghosts of you away.
i toss them out my door and let the winter's wind carry them back to you.
i'm done being your fool.
because i know tears will never fall from your eyes.
hold your hands up to your face
and feel the cold of the winter's wind against your skin,
it's like the slap of your rejection,
that's how it felt to me when you broke my heart.
high above on my medically induced cloud nine i reflect upon this journey with you.
i wanted too little.
you wanted too much.
we never could agree on anything.
broken down.
broken hearted.
i'm broken inside and out.
i had my cracks before you came, but now i'm broken apart from this pain.
i've greived a little too long for something i never really wanted.
i had some spirit left, just enough to cover up the lies.
it worked, until the secret grew bigger then me
and took a life of its own.
all i could do was wait for the explosion.
now i'm still cleaning up the aftermath
and the winter's wind has come again.
its sting to my exposed flesh reminds me of you.
it's as if your hurtful and abusive mouth never left.
i have have to move on or I'll never get out of this mess.
i thought you were gone forever,
but you're still a pain in my ass with hateful emails full of threats.
i guess the games aren't over for you yet.
you were always a sore loser;
that's the only thing about you i know for sure is true.
i'm tired of my doubts.
i'll burn them and your memory once the divorce goes through.
maybe out there somewhere there's a better one for me.
i'm thinking about him i wonder if he's thinking about me.
hell, i'd rather be with anyone but you.
i'm chasing these ghosts of you away.
i toss them out my door and let the winter's wind carry them back to you.
i'm done being your fool.
Monday, November 14, 2011
About a Man
my life has become a one sided conversation.
i speak to you but you're not even here.
the disaster is evident in the pill bottles scattered on the bathroom counter top
and the dropped pills on the floor.
i never bother to pick them up because there's always more.
i drown a little every time you reach out to hit me with your angry words.
i sink below the surface of your hate even more.
i broke under the weight of your expectations.
just when i begin to show some progress, you pop up and drag me under once more.
i'm a good person trapped in your bad mood.
the perpetual shifts in your demeanor swing me until i get sick off all the emotions.
let me go. let me down. let me out of this miserable relationship and your twisted revenge.
life is simple for most, but for me it's always been so damn confusing.
yes, as usual, it's all about a man!
it always has been.
the current mistake hurts the most.
i thought i'd gotten it right, but i was kidding myself.
i speak to you but you're not even here.
the disaster is evident in the pill bottles scattered on the bathroom counter top
and the dropped pills on the floor.
i never bother to pick them up because there's always more.
i drown a little every time you reach out to hit me with your angry words.
i sink below the surface of your hate even more.
i broke under the weight of your expectations.
just when i begin to show some progress, you pop up and drag me under once more.
i'm a good person trapped in your bad mood.
the perpetual shifts in your demeanor swing me until i get sick off all the emotions.
let me go. let me down. let me out of this miserable relationship and your twisted revenge.
life is simple for most, but for me it's always been so damn confusing.
yes, as usual, it's all about a man!
it always has been.
the current mistake hurts the most.
i thought i'd gotten it right, but i was kidding myself.
Monday, November 7, 2011
More Candles on the Cake
soon another year passes me by and i increment my age plus one
my level of maturity is on the retarded level
i hate being the one person that everyone avoids
what happened to mother's little sunshine
i'm so bitter now and sadder then the moon when it's eclipsed by the sun
what are we to do with you
i smile and say it'll all be okay and then i change the subject
i bring around some frivoulous topic to my lips so we can all avoid my mental illness
here i am on the verge of losing everything and i'm so annoyed
i was a gifted student until i found it easier to play stupid
i got put in the easy classes and i coasted through
i would wear a smug smile knowing i was the smartest one in the class
i could avoid being challenged and it went by in a breeze
avoidance of my presence has become blatent even in cyberspace
i'm being blocked and unfriended at rapid rates
i feel so unloved and unwanted
nothing i do perks me up
i don't know how to stop the behavior that drives everyone away
if i did i'd do my best to stop it
i pull my own hair to feel something that is real
there's a pain that i cause when others see me
it's so unbearable that they all leave me
i circle and circle in on myself
the more candles on my cake the more i hate myself
my level of maturity is on the retarded level
i hate being the one person that everyone avoids
what happened to mother's little sunshine
i'm so bitter now and sadder then the moon when it's eclipsed by the sun
what are we to do with you
i smile and say it'll all be okay and then i change the subject
i bring around some frivoulous topic to my lips so we can all avoid my mental illness
here i am on the verge of losing everything and i'm so annoyed
i was a gifted student until i found it easier to play stupid
i got put in the easy classes and i coasted through
i would wear a smug smile knowing i was the smartest one in the class
i could avoid being challenged and it went by in a breeze
avoidance of my presence has become blatent even in cyberspace
i'm being blocked and unfriended at rapid rates
i feel so unloved and unwanted
nothing i do perks me up
i don't know how to stop the behavior that drives everyone away
if i did i'd do my best to stop it
i pull my own hair to feel something that is real
there's a pain that i cause when others see me
it's so unbearable that they all leave me
i circle and circle in on myself
the more candles on my cake the more i hate myself
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Mirror, Mirror on the Ceiling
Mirror, Mirror on my ceiling, how should I be feeling?
is it hatred?
is it disgust?
is it fear?
have i been busted?
Mirror, Mirror on my ceiling, how should I be feeling?
i want to know where this road goes.
i need an answer for the questions haunting my soul.
doubt swirls in my heart.
i hate myself.
i confess, i hate myself.
what's next?
i love me.
i am pretty.
i keep telling myself these lies.
but the truth screams at me day and night.
hope is drowned out.
i buy the books.
i watch the shows.
i take the happy pills.
i'm still broken.
fix me.
Mirror, Mirror on my ceiling, what should i be feeling?
is it despair?
is it grief?
is it confusion?
have i been abandoned?
Mirror, Mirror on my ceiling, what should i be feeling?
is it hatred?
is it disgust?
is it fear?
have i been busted?
Mirror, Mirror on my ceiling, how should I be feeling?
i want to know where this road goes.
i need an answer for the questions haunting my soul.
doubt swirls in my heart.
i hate myself.
i confess, i hate myself.
what's next?
i love me.
i am pretty.
i keep telling myself these lies.
but the truth screams at me day and night.
hope is drowned out.
i buy the books.
i watch the shows.
i take the happy pills.
i'm still broken.
fix me.
Mirror, Mirror on my ceiling, what should i be feeling?
is it despair?
is it grief?
is it confusion?
have i been abandoned?
Mirror, Mirror on my ceiling, what should i be feeling?
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Consumer
I'm full, belly round, gutteral moans
are my only sound. I over consumed again.
I doomed myself with free pancakes.
I miss my self-control.
I don't think past my plate.
I hate myself.
I hate my mouth.
I hate to eat but it's a need.
I ache, back arched, dull throbs
attack my nervous system.
My extra poundage is breaking me down.
I know what I need to do.
I know I won't be able to do it.
I hate myself.
I hate my brain.
I hate to admit I need help.
I consume, arms outstretched, wallet empty
and credit card strip worn out.
I can't control my urges.
I miss my ability to walk away.
I am not strong enough to say no.
I hate myself.
I hate my consumptional ways.
I hate that only death will free me.
are my only sound. I over consumed again.
I doomed myself with free pancakes.
I miss my self-control.
I don't think past my plate.
I hate myself.
I hate my mouth.
I hate to eat but it's a need.
I ache, back arched, dull throbs
attack my nervous system.
My extra poundage is breaking me down.
I know what I need to do.
I know I won't be able to do it.
I hate myself.
I hate my brain.
I hate to admit I need help.
I consume, arms outstretched, wallet empty
and credit card strip worn out.
I can't control my urges.
I miss my ability to walk away.
I am not strong enough to say no.
I hate myself.
I hate my consumptional ways.
I hate that only death will free me.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Sore Toe
I am odd.
I am bizarre.
I am your worst nightmare on steroids.
You are scared.
You are lying.
And I will find out what you know.
I will never let go.
I'll be like a sore toe.
You stubbed your toe;
You tripped over the lies that you told.
You tried to squeeze into smaller shoes.
You tried to fit into my glass slippers.
I told you that was the last time.
I am strange.
I am unusual.
I am chaos reborn in human form.
I can chase you down.
I can make you face your demons.
I will overthrow everything you know.
I'll never quit.
I'll be like a sore toe.
You stubbed your toe;
You tripped over the lies you told.
You tried to walk a mile in my shoes.
You tried to take something that wasn't yours.
I told you that was the last time.
I'm slicing you off of my foot for good this time.
I am bizarre.
I am your worst nightmare on steroids.
You are scared.
You are lying.
And I will find out what you know.
I will never let go.
I'll be like a sore toe.
You stubbed your toe;
You tripped over the lies that you told.
You tried to squeeze into smaller shoes.
You tried to fit into my glass slippers.
I told you that was the last time.
I am strange.
I am unusual.
I am chaos reborn in human form.
I can chase you down.
I can make you face your demons.
I will overthrow everything you know.
I'll never quit.
I'll be like a sore toe.
You stubbed your toe;
You tripped over the lies you told.
You tried to walk a mile in my shoes.
You tried to take something that wasn't yours.
I told you that was the last time.
I'm slicing you off of my foot for good this time.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Hate
I hate the world. I hate the world.
Stop the planet I want to get off.
I hate this place. I hate my face.
I hate world peace. I hate your crossed eyes.
I hate my thighs, My fat ugly thighs.
I hate heights, my rage builds me up.
Then I explode, but you keep coming around.
Get out of here, I don't want you here.
I hate you. I hate you. You're disgusting.
You're ugly. You're nothing.
Then I walk away from the mirror.
My mission is clear. hate. hate. hate.
I hate myself. I hate a sunny day.
I hate blue skies. I love dark and gloomy,
every day should be that way.
It's charcoal black inside of my heart.
My hate has festered and ripped it apart.
I hate my dreams. I hate my schemes.
I hate to lie. I hate my hands.
I hate these demands. I hate you and I hate me too.
I have hate for breakfast.
I have hate for lunch.
I have hate for dinner.
And self-loathing is my dessert.
damn, it hurt to hate this much.
I hate my bulbous nose.
I hate my yellow teeth.
I hate my big fat hairy toes.
I bet you ain't got any of those.
I hate my laugh. mock me while you can.
I hate you. I hate me. I hate the world I see.
The world hates me too.
I've got pure hate running through my veins.
My hate keeps me up late.
My hate makes me think.
I need to find more way to hate.
I hate to eat. I hate to throw up.
I hate to starve. I hate sharks.
I hate being smart. I hate by belly button.
I hate being naked. I hate happines..
I hate myself the most. I hate to hate me.
but feeling hate is better then feeling nothing.
I hate me and I hate you too.
Stop the planet I want to get off.
I hate this place. I hate my face.
I hate world peace. I hate your crossed eyes.
I hate my thighs, My fat ugly thighs.
I hate heights, my rage builds me up.
Then I explode, but you keep coming around.
Get out of here, I don't want you here.
I hate you. I hate you. You're disgusting.
You're ugly. You're nothing.
Then I walk away from the mirror.
My mission is clear. hate. hate. hate.
I hate myself. I hate a sunny day.
I hate blue skies. I love dark and gloomy,
every day should be that way.
It's charcoal black inside of my heart.
My hate has festered and ripped it apart.
I hate my dreams. I hate my schemes.
I hate to lie. I hate my hands.
I hate these demands. I hate you and I hate me too.
I have hate for breakfast.
I have hate for lunch.
I have hate for dinner.
And self-loathing is my dessert.
damn, it hurt to hate this much.
I hate my bulbous nose.
I hate my yellow teeth.
I hate my big fat hairy toes.
I bet you ain't got any of those.
I hate my laugh. mock me while you can.
I hate you. I hate me. I hate the world I see.
The world hates me too.
I've got pure hate running through my veins.
My hate keeps me up late.
My hate makes me think.
I need to find more way to hate.
I hate to eat. I hate to throw up.
I hate to starve. I hate sharks.
I hate being smart. I hate by belly button.
I hate being naked. I hate happines..
I hate myself the most. I hate to hate me.
but feeling hate is better then feeling nothing.
I hate me and I hate you too.
Friday, December 4, 2009
My Eyes Hurt
my eyes hurt
they water and they burn
they are sick of seeing the world of pain
the bombs exploding, the hate and the crime, the children disappearing overnight
my eyes hurt
they can’t stop crying
they can’t believe all the horrors they see
towers are crumbling, planes are falling from the sky, and people are jumping to die
my eyes hurt
the world has become blurry and unrecognizable to them
they see the predators around every corner
they aren’t just seeing strangers anymore.
it’s our neighbors, our clergymen, our scouts, our teachers, and our counselors too
i want to sew my eyes shut
so i can’t see the tragedies as they unfold
but the axe has fallen
slicing the wool over my eyes to shreds
this is the world
and seeing is believing
they water and they burn
they are sick of seeing the world of pain
the bombs exploding, the hate and the crime, the children disappearing overnight
my eyes hurt
they can’t stop crying
they can’t believe all the horrors they see
towers are crumbling, planes are falling from the sky, and people are jumping to die
my eyes hurt
the world has become blurry and unrecognizable to them
they see the predators around every corner
they aren’t just seeing strangers anymore.
it’s our neighbors, our clergymen, our scouts, our teachers, and our counselors too
i want to sew my eyes shut
so i can’t see the tragedies as they unfold
but the axe has fallen
slicing the wool over my eyes to shreds
this is the world
and seeing is believing
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Fat White Girl
Watch me pull this rabbit out of my ass! Gasp! See the fat white girl, she’s such a jackass. Does she think she’ll pass and become a multi-platinum album selling white female rapper? The first to get the accolades and the parades. The one to bring home a Grammy, moon men, and a Oscar. She’s delusional. The girl is losing it.
Lock her up in the suburbs and buy her a mini-van. Get her that husband and 2 and half kids. Don’t forget the dog and the PTA. That’s what that fat white girl’s future is supposed to be. Give it up Blondie! There ain’t nobody want to see you on a stage.
You ain’t even pretty. How you going to get famous ugly? Down another cookie and a dr. pepper, cause every one knows in this biz you need 6 pack abs, a big rack, and a tight ass to get a record deal.
There ain’t no fat people on idol that stay for long. So go back to the burger king and super size those fries then go to the fucking mall. Because fat white bitch that’s where you belong.
Lock her up in the suburbs and buy her a mini-van. Get her that husband and 2 and half kids. Don’t forget the dog and the PTA. That’s what that fat white girl’s future is supposed to be. Give it up Blondie! There ain’t nobody want to see you on a stage.
You ain’t even pretty. How you going to get famous ugly? Down another cookie and a dr. pepper, cause every one knows in this biz you need 6 pack abs, a big rack, and a tight ass to get a record deal.
There ain’t no fat people on idol that stay for long. So go back to the burger king and super size those fries then go to the fucking mall. Because fat white bitch that’s where you belong.
Useless Desires
Resolution - I have lots of useless desires. They keep me from moving forward. I revolve around fulfilling them. I make lists about them. I save money for them. I dream about them. My life is frozen by my useless desires.
I neglect my needs. All my energy is gone. I sit on my ass all day long. I’ve been entrenched for almost a decade in a sedentary life style. As I’ve tried to stop the expansion of my waistline I’ve sacrificed my self-esteem. No longer is the future this optimistic place to be. I fear heart disease.
How do I gain control when I let my self-discipline leave ten years ago? Who will hold me now? I know I’m beyond hope. Higher and higher I climb on the slipper slope of obesity holding my breath as each medical report hits that I won’t fall right into my grave.
I have run out of excuses to give. My existence teeters on me changing who I let myself become. No book or pill can help me when I won’t help myself. I hate sweat. I hate lettuce. But I also hate being a size 22 and running out of breath just walking to my door.
I’m at the edge of a cliff. Do I jump or do I step back and live? I don’t know what to do and no one else can do this for me. January and New years are coming. Will I stick to the new path or come undone?
I have to break a lot of bad habits. Chocolate is my heroine. Cheese is my alcohol. Pop is my vicodin. It’s got to end before I’m buried 6 feet deep in a damp dark hole. I’ve known this for years, yet the pattern continues.
I eat to soothe, to cheer, to pass the time. I’ve never known hunger. I’ll never be full. Up on the wagon I’ll go. Lock me in and take away the ho ho’s. I’m going to be a bitch. But it’ll get better. God, it has to get better!
I neglect my needs. All my energy is gone. I sit on my ass all day long. I’ve been entrenched for almost a decade in a sedentary life style. As I’ve tried to stop the expansion of my waistline I’ve sacrificed my self-esteem. No longer is the future this optimistic place to be. I fear heart disease.
How do I gain control when I let my self-discipline leave ten years ago? Who will hold me now? I know I’m beyond hope. Higher and higher I climb on the slipper slope of obesity holding my breath as each medical report hits that I won’t fall right into my grave.
I have run out of excuses to give. My existence teeters on me changing who I let myself become. No book or pill can help me when I won’t help myself. I hate sweat. I hate lettuce. But I also hate being a size 22 and running out of breath just walking to my door.
I’m at the edge of a cliff. Do I jump or do I step back and live? I don’t know what to do and no one else can do this for me. January and New years are coming. Will I stick to the new path or come undone?
I have to break a lot of bad habits. Chocolate is my heroine. Cheese is my alcohol. Pop is my vicodin. It’s got to end before I’m buried 6 feet deep in a damp dark hole. I’ve known this for years, yet the pattern continues.
I eat to soothe, to cheer, to pass the time. I’ve never known hunger. I’ll never be full. Up on the wagon I’ll go. Lock me in and take away the ho ho’s. I’m going to be a bitch. But it’ll get better. God, it has to get better!
Friday, November 27, 2009
Raspy
Raspy
Hoarse and corrosive
Abrasive and rude
I awake from my dream
Reality lies before me
Forceful and demanding
Confusing and listless
I runaway
I hide from him
Seeking and questioning
Knowing and betraying
My love
Destroyed
My soul
Barren
My heart
Raped
I cry for help
Raspy noises escape
My throat uncooperative
He finds me
Hoarse and corrosive
Abrasive and rude
I awake from my dream
Reality lies before me
Forceful and demanding
Confusing and listless
I runaway
I hide from him
Seeking and questioning
Knowing and betraying
My love
Destroyed
My soul
Barren
My heart
Raped
I cry for help
Raspy noises escape
My throat uncooperative
He finds me
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Negative Perception
I have a negative perception of myself. I hate all within myself. I build myself up so I can tear myself down. My self-inflicted misery is all I have left of me. I look in the mirror and all I see is me and it scares me so.
I’m so good at being sad. I’m so depressed I never get dressed. I take away all the layers and expose the pain. Cover me in misery. I’m best when I detest me. I take self-loathing to new levels. I’m narcissism in reverse. All of my picture have the eyes poked out. I can’t even talk about all my self doubt.
I’m so good at being sad. I’m so depressed I never get dressed. I take away all the layers and expose the pain. Cover me in misery. I’m best when I detest me. I take self-loathing to new levels. I’m narcissism in reverse. All of my picture have the eyes poked out. I can’t even talk about all my self doubt.
Friday, November 13, 2009
I Hate Surprises
I hate surprises. They make me miserable every time.
All these people lying to me and saying it’s for my own good.
Secrets need to be kept if there’s no harm.
I disagree with them. And I want to know before I’m ambushed
What the hell is going on?
I’ll tell you everything you ever wanted to know.
If I don’t know I’ll tell you.
No sense making up bull shit that I won’t remember later.
Why bother to lie when I get caught every time?
I hate surprises. Just tell me now.
No need for disguises. No little white lies apply.
If there’s a party let me know.
I hate surprises. Just tell me before I cry.
I hate surprises. It runs in my family.
I can’t keep a secret to save my life.
If I buy you a present I can’t wait to give it to you.
I’m addicted to the look of joy you give when you open it.
I know it’s not normal. I don’t care.
It’s who I am and what I do.
Forget the stories and the compromises.
Please make me this one promise no surprises.
I hate surprises. Just tell me now.
No need for disguises. No little white lies apply.
If there’s a party let me know.
I hate surprises. Just tell me before I cry.
I hate surprises. Don’t jump out at me.
I startle easily. Don’t yell at me.
My hearing is fine. Go bother someone else next time.
I know it’s supposed to be fun.
I know it’s done with good intentions.
But every time I greet surprises with suspicions
I walk around thinking whose hiding what
And who should be telling me something their not
I hate surprises. Just tell me now.
No need for disguises. No little white lies apply.
If there’s a party let me know.
I hate surprises. Just tell me before I cry.
All these people lying to me and saying it’s for my own good.
Secrets need to be kept if there’s no harm.
I disagree with them. And I want to know before I’m ambushed
What the hell is going on?
I’ll tell you everything you ever wanted to know.
If I don’t know I’ll tell you.
No sense making up bull shit that I won’t remember later.
Why bother to lie when I get caught every time?
I hate surprises. Just tell me now.
No need for disguises. No little white lies apply.
If there’s a party let me know.
I hate surprises. Just tell me before I cry.
I hate surprises. It runs in my family.
I can’t keep a secret to save my life.
If I buy you a present I can’t wait to give it to you.
I’m addicted to the look of joy you give when you open it.
I know it’s not normal. I don’t care.
It’s who I am and what I do.
Forget the stories and the compromises.
Please make me this one promise no surprises.
I hate surprises. Just tell me now.
No need for disguises. No little white lies apply.
If there’s a party let me know.
I hate surprises. Just tell me before I cry.
I hate surprises. Don’t jump out at me.
I startle easily. Don’t yell at me.
My hearing is fine. Go bother someone else next time.
I know it’s supposed to be fun.
I know it’s done with good intentions.
But every time I greet surprises with suspicions
I walk around thinking whose hiding what
And who should be telling me something their not
I hate surprises. Just tell me now.
No need for disguises. No little white lies apply.
If there’s a party let me know.
I hate surprises. Just tell me before I cry.
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