Death of My Social Self or Sad Song

one more sad song plays on to pacify my lonely heart.
there's nothing new, but plenty of the same old shit here.
the house needs cleaned, but i have no energy.
i sit on the couch and pout about your lack of affection.
i haven't spoken to anyone all day, but in the silence i only find pain.

the urge to pick up the phone to call you is overwhelming.
i don't want you to know how desparate i am to hold you.
these moments of sanity are few and far between.
i realize your life is easier without me.
that makes me sad, but i have no tears to cry for you.

the dark is coming sooner now; it's time to fall back.
the light excludes the parts of me i spend the most time with.
i'm working more, eating less, and cursing the day i met you.
no more nonsense when you come around.
i will untie my tongue and tell you how i feel.

"i" is so selfish, i'm obsessed with myself.
how do i feel, what do i want, where do i belong?
i've lost the ability to empathize with others.
i've drowned in my lonliness.
this death of my social self may be permanent.
no more promises will come out of my mouth!
i will do this all on my own.

i can't stop writing because there is no more paper.
i can't quit thinking because no one cares what i think.
i have opinions even though no one wants to hear them.
i don't need a room full of people to pity me.
the voices in my head and i will have each other.
there will always be a sad song for us to sang along to!

Rapid Cycling

yet another day wasted in the abyss of nothing.
my sense of accomplishment unmet.
i prep for a night of bitter disappointment.
i am unfulfilled in all the roles life has cast me in.
the one i miss the most doesn't want me.

i try not to bore with my whine and tears.
even when i sneeze it's clear that no one cares.
not a single "bless you" is spoken.
silence is my new surround sound.

i've worn out the welcome mat.
i know you'll never ask me to come back.
i already tried to bridge our great divide
and i fell completely flat.

i built us in a day.
you tore us down in a minute.
the rapid cycling left me breathless.
the internet feeds on desparation and lonliness.

time is already marching on.
each hour brings me closer to another dawn.
one morning i'll awake
and no longer will you take a single thought in my day.
this is only the third time you've crossed my mind today.

i will get back up on the web,
and cast out my net once again.
hoping my last catch lasts,
but with the speed of a heart
and a few clicks of a mouse;
i have a hunch it won't be long until i'm back to single status again.

Everything is Still the Same

Life keeps kicking me in the ass. I never get enough to catch up, let alone, get ahead. I just paid Peter and Paul’s knocking on my door. My tax return was bogus, not enough to keep the lights on. I got doubled taxed while the rich man got richer. Wyoming sounds nice let’s go there to abandon all material possessions. We can live off the land. No, I forget Ted Turner and Hollywood bought all the land up there.

I’ll just dig my hole here and bury myself up to my hair. I’ll pretend to ignore the world and they will forget about me. You’ll see. One more working schmoe gone, but so many 1,000’s willing to work on. You can’t see me, you only see my hair. And I don’t care. Nope, I don’t care. Now I’m sitting on the toilet thinking about my lack of opportunities. Wondering if I can buy more toilet paper, pay the rent, and buy groceries. Electricity is important in sub-freezing weather. Having a car is required to go to work when there’s no subway.

I’m caught between broke and necessity. How do I pick which bill to pay when all are important? I get so frustrated. Crime is tempting. I swear I would be clever, but not today. Everything is still the same.