Better

tied to a butterfly's wings my anxiety flies away.
the wind and rain pound onto my heart in vain.
my strength waivers at times but i maintain i matter.
today i feel better!

happiness has never defined my life.
my personality teeters between crazy and crazier.
i give each man i love all i got but it ain't ever enough.
today i'll do better!

mood swings and personal demons take their toll.
i'm hard to like and harder to love.
the medication only destroys what makes me shine.
today i'll be better!

lonesome tears stain my cheeks.
life's sorrows overfill my cup.
on each horizon i see the road i should have been on.
today i'll choose better!

tomorrow brings unpredictable feelings.
i might be happy or i might be sad.
there's no way for me to make any kind of guarantee,
but today i was better!

Big Bad Wolf

sunsets come and go
contagious diseases spread rapidly
obvious choices get ignored
time settles everyone down
tomorrow you don't want to wake up alone

girls become women you can't trust
emptiness follows your every step
reasons no longer add up
all your houses got blown down
love has become your big bad wolf
demons have replaced your dreams

calluses have formed over your heart
openess is a concept you forgot
utopia is a woman too desperate to ask questions
little by little the world folds in on you
ominous clouds are rolling in
misery is calling you in the middle of the night
beware the woman that loves you with all her might
everyone screws up, you just screw everyone

Melody for My Misery

i'll go emily dickinson on you;
lock myself up in my room and wear only white.
let the neighborhood children whisper about me while all i do is write.
i'll hear their laughter and use it as melody for my misery.
these poems will lay about scattered around the house until i die.
all my quirks, madness and antidotes will spread like a virus through cyber air.
these dreams i dare to dare.

i might work up the nerve to sylvia plath myself one day.
there's no expectations to live up to so i just play.
i amuse myself for hours staring at the ceiling or counting imaginary wild flowers.
life feeds off of power.
i gave mine to you, so now i wait for death like a coward.
please someone see me.
please come and get me.

i miss being human.
every door is locked.
every watch has stopped.
my windows are shuttered.
i sit and rot within my brain full of clutter.
maybe i could capture my inner poe.
i feel subtle rage when i stub my big toe.
the darkness swills down my throat.
i swallow hard so i don't choke.
bird's scare me and words fear me;
this will be my never more ending...
pity, pity, pity me!

Back to the Earth

love is the greatest illusion of all
it makes me come alive when i know i'm already dead inside
the air gets weighed down with its expectations
the night air becomes electric with physical delights
i build up the emotion like a skyscraper
the beams are weak and the glass is breakable
there's a fragility in love's embrace
i see it every time i look over at your place
i embarass myself to show you how i am smitten with you
you're unaffected and my tower crumbles back to the earth

happiness is a futile search
it can't remain still enough to keep
i had it for a second then you went away
i left my heart wide open
your lies caught me by surprise
i see you're no good for me
sorrow's tears flood through me to drown out the hurt
i succumb to the pain
you're oblivious and i bury my happiness, giving it back to the earth.

lonliness clings to my flesh
i don't feel anything anymore
all i do is stare into the now empty air
i had thought we'd be together until my last day
but you always had another way
she's perfect and i'm not her
therefore, you don't want me anymore
i'm trying to make peace with my tragedy
you're callous so i will take this lonliness and use to come back down to the earth.

Seek Clarity

should i be worried?
constant trouble rests on my mind
opinions are tossed out hurried
the consensus is i must be blind

time is slipping away from me on a downward slope
gracefullness isn't in my character
can't keep myself dangling on such a short rope
obsession has given me a hair trigger

underneath my calm exterior
lonliness consumes me to the breaking point
obviously, i'm pretending to be cheerier
maybe it's time to make my point

before i speak up i select my words carefully
ecstasy rest upon me seeking clarity

Death of My Social Self or Sad Song

one more sad song plays on to pacify my lonely heart.
there's nothing new, but plenty of the same old shit here.
the house needs cleaned, but i have no energy.
i sit on the couch and pout about your lack of affection.
i haven't spoken to anyone all day, but in the silence i only find pain.

the urge to pick up the phone to call you is overwhelming.
i don't want you to know how desparate i am to hold you.
these moments of sanity are few and far between.
i realize your life is easier without me.
that makes me sad, but i have no tears to cry for you.

the dark is coming sooner now; it's time to fall back.
the light excludes the parts of me i spend the most time with.
i'm working more, eating less, and cursing the day i met you.
no more nonsense when you come around.
i will untie my tongue and tell you how i feel.

"i" is so selfish, i'm obsessed with myself.
how do i feel, what do i want, where do i belong?
i've lost the ability to empathize with others.
i've drowned in my lonliness.
this death of my social self may be permanent.
no more promises will come out of my mouth!
i will do this all on my own.

i can't stop writing because there is no more paper.
i can't quit thinking because no one cares what i think.
i have opinions even though no one wants to hear them.
i don't need a room full of people to pity me.
the voices in my head and i will have each other.
there will always be a sad song for us to sang along to!

Lonliness Starts in Our Hearts

i knocked on your door but you never answered
i saw you inside before i knocked
i guess we've officially come apart
me and my anxiety's are at home now
i love how you told me at the start
if you no longer wanted me you'd just tell me
that's one more lie you told me

the way a man can drop off the planet
when he wants to rid himself of a woman
would make the great harry houdini proud
there's no mystery in playing the coward
women are driven to extremes by men
who refuse to give them closure
i've given up believing closure even exists

everyone denies involvement when a heart breaks
i wish i could be as cavalier as you,
but my conscience smacks me around when i let it down
we chase our tails hoping to catch ourselves,
be we never get anywhere and we want to place blame elsewhere
these are the games big boys and girls like to play

i listen to you tell a repeat of a misadventure in romance
the players have changed, but the game remains the same
you say you're tired of it and it's got you down
i suggest a break from love to get your head out of the clouds
but you're scared of the lonliness that lurks in the dark
my darling, lonliness starts in our hearts

i understand what it's like to have time on your hands
it's not a bad thing to be your own best friend
we fear being on our own
but we are born and we die alone
the only person we should depend on is ourselves
peace begins from within
and doubt comes from others mouths.

Another Person

monday afternoon and i'm sitting at work
with nothing to do, wondering how i'll make do,
life threw me under the bus.
i yelled and cussed, but nothing brings you back,
so i hunker down to wait out the pain;
hoping another will come along and sweep me away.
i wish i was another person.

i send up a prayer to the big man upstairs
asking if he'll put my heart together again,
but all it does is rain. so i think he doesn't know my name.
even God thinks i'm lame.
i'm convinced if the sun would shine,
i could set aside this depression of mine,
but mostly, i wish i could be another person.

it's monday afternoon and i'm on my fourth pop.
i'm hoping to never sleep again.
the night isn't my friend, it just bring you back to me,
but only in my dreams.
the mornings are cruel and i don't know what to do.
if only i could be another person,
like the woman you left me for,
yeah, i wish i was her.

It's the Hope

i don't understand the fuss.
we disagreed, it's no big deal.
if life was easy it'd be no fun.
you're too clever and i'm a hopeless romantic.
you're like a cold front colliding into my hot air,
together it's a tension tornado that blows us both away.

i'm unpredictable and you're mysterious.
you like to remain distant and i'm in your face.
you're the yin to my yang, but the karma went bad.
it's a shot in a billion to be unlucky like this,
but i'd do it again, cuz it's more then i deserved.

your image haunts my dreams.
a soft rain falls as a cold wind blows.
when you take a chance you risk heartache,
but you learn through the survival
and the next time you surrender,
the lies and promises will be forgotten.

i'm just a kid at heart.
i leave the light on because i'm scared of the dark.
i want rescued from my lonliness.
i want a friend with no secrets
and we can sit in a perfect silence where every desire is fulfilled.

it's the hope that moves us forward,
when the end is too bitter to swallow.
with the new one we will be better.

Goldie Oldies

i'm playing at work, wishing i had a good book; debating w/myself about the current state of my life; what's wrong & what's right; i don't know anymore; i keep walking into closed doors; w/no where to go, i greive the parts of me that never got to be.
....
i'm dwelling on the past; the love i had that didn't last; it's all slipping through my fingers, like sand through the hour glass; why & how go unanswered; it's just the way it is; no more blame to place; only memories to tease me about what might have been.
.. ..
my heart burns when it's yearning to be loved; when at night the lonliness surrounds me & it's silence is drowning me; i think, is this the 1/2 way mark; am i on a down hill slide? do i try to recapture what i miss? or stay cold, wrapped up in my pride?
.. ..
why is it so hard to tell someone you still love them? is it the years that have gone by? or the fear they'll laugh at you? i just want to taste his kiss one more time; and have it take me back to 17, when life was easier.
.. ..
it was the 2 of us; wrapped up in each other; that 1st love is like no other; wild; free; passionate; intense; covered in youth; dipped in stupid and totally unrealistic fantasies; nostalga washes over me & sweetens my dreams.