Unexpected Praise

touch me when i don't want you to.
push past all the bullshit i say to you.
i've got chocolate on my forehead
and a broken heart in the mail to you.
i'm too young to be so done with living,
but when you focused on me i wanted to live forever.

a number dances on my mind,
48, 48, 48 is when she died.
i don't know how much longer i've got,
so wasting this time loving you really sucks.
i worry about dying every day.
my demons are winning in every way.

you told me my writing blew you away.
i latch onto this unexpected praise.
intentions and desires clash and clog my vision.
i have lost all my perceptions.
you need to tell me what you really think when you think about me.

i seek solace in a forgiving man,
but he's never here when i need him the most.
i'm beginning to retreat back into my head.
this man isn't really my friend.
i ask for a simple hug and i get a shrug.

i don't want you to touch me anymore.
my shut down has commenced.
i'm giving you a big send off.
my heart is being shipped out
and i don't want it to ever come back.

Circles

i circle...
i walk in circles.
i talk in circles.
i live in circles.
i think in circles.
i love in circles.
at the end of each rotation the men switch out,
like a tag team wrestling match,
another man is always ready to step onto the mat.
and it's as good as over as soon as we meet.
he wins then slaps the next guy on the hand to walk the circle with me,
but there's no breaking out of the circle i've created for myself.
no, i'm locked in a circle of unending misry.
maybe when God drop kicks me to the pits of hell,
maybe then, the circle will get broken!

Death of My Social Self or Sad Song

one more sad song plays on to pacify my lonely heart.
there's nothing new, but plenty of the same old shit here.
the house needs cleaned, but i have no energy.
i sit on the couch and pout about your lack of affection.
i haven't spoken to anyone all day, but in the silence i only find pain.

the urge to pick up the phone to call you is overwhelming.
i don't want you to know how desparate i am to hold you.
these moments of sanity are few and far between.
i realize your life is easier without me.
that makes me sad, but i have no tears to cry for you.

the dark is coming sooner now; it's time to fall back.
the light excludes the parts of me i spend the most time with.
i'm working more, eating less, and cursing the day i met you.
no more nonsense when you come around.
i will untie my tongue and tell you how i feel.

"i" is so selfish, i'm obsessed with myself.
how do i feel, what do i want, where do i belong?
i've lost the ability to empathize with others.
i've drowned in my lonliness.
this death of my social self may be permanent.
no more promises will come out of my mouth!
i will do this all on my own.

i can't stop writing because there is no more paper.
i can't quit thinking because no one cares what i think.
i have opinions even though no one wants to hear them.
i don't need a room full of people to pity me.
the voices in my head and i will have each other.
there will always be a sad song for us to sang along to!

24 Ways

i got to stop thinking, that's when my troubles start.
when i think i got it all figured out, that's when it falls apart.
i keep putting all my eggs in one broken basket.
i think that makes me the basket case.

i don't know why i am always out of place.
all guys want to do is play with my boobies;
then they're off to find someone prettier then me.
i've given up trying to fulfill my own desires.

i was hoping you'd be different, but you aren't,
as long as i have a choice, i will choose the wrong man.
i'm drawn to the ones that play my heart strings.
they master me then they want someone else.
the right woman is always the woman after me.

the longest relationship i've had was 4 years.
he spent 2 of them out of the country,
we waited 18 months for the divorce to finalize,
so he spent a whopping 6 months under the same roof as me.
he cried, as he screamed at me, you are impossible to love.
i think it hurt so bad, because i knew he was right.

am i so awful? selfish? cold? distant? crazy?
i could go on with the list of adjectives i've been called,
but it would take all day to get through them all.
i've tried to grow and learn from each failure.
i've found out 24 ways how NOT to have a successful relationship.
maybe number 25 will be the one that it all comes together perfectly!

i've dumped a few and a few have dumped me.
so it's pretty much even on that front.
i've never cheated, but i've lied.
i know there were times i could have tried hard,
but i get bored so easily.

in these moments of self-reflection,
i see the would haves, could haves, and the should haves,
all lined up in one long funeral procession.
i have my own dirge to dance around to in my head.

i still dare to hope that somewhere out there,
beyond the fear,
i hear of soul mates and whispers of ever-lasting love.
i'm not that ambitious though,
but a smackerel of love just might be enough to see me through!

Edge of Thought

i think it is time to stop the lie.
i have you on the edge of my thoughts.
i want to push you off and move forward.
but my heart keeps you coming around.
i can't kill your memory and i want to think,
but all i do is feel.

and if i'm feeling then i'm not thinking.
i'm not being who i want, when your image
holds me down. i want to push you out of my mind.
but you stay on the edge, the edge of every thought,
is your lips on mine. i can't keep living like this.

it is time to toss you out.
rip up the pictures along with my soul.
scatter the pieces of happy along the road,
burning my love down until the embers don't glow.
i can't escape the bad and i can't remember the good.
so all i do is feel sad.

and if i'm feeling then i'm not thinking.
i'm not free to be with someone else,
if you are walking around my head.
your words keeping popping up and
i want to shove you off the ledge, but
you linger on along the edge of my thoughts.

i don't deserve the wounds you gave me.
i keep picking at the scabs,
opening them up again and again.
the blood won't wash from my hands.
the damage is unending, the thoughts won't leave me.
you took what you could carry,
including all that was good in me.
i loved you so hard i emptied my heart out.
why can't i kill these feelings for you?

and if i'm feeling then i'm not thinking.
no, i'm not thinking clearly.
i'm trapped by you and no matter how much
i suppress you, you stay right there on
the edge of my every thought.
it's almost enough to make me jump.