He Says

my head aches to the weirdest beat.
all the world comes flooding in.
I'm defenseless again.
screams split open my ears.
I swear they weren't from me, but they were.
creepy cat ladies are hunting me.
he says, relax baby it's just bad dreams.

take apart my soul,
is it ripe or just old?
I smell disease.
the stench brings me to my knees.
I used to be pretty,
now I'm just petty.
he says, don't worry baby you still have me.

my eyes are heavy,
my heart feels weak.
I can't control me.
the world wreak havoc inside of me.
I'm falling.
I hear the air all around.
he's calling, he says, I won't let you hit the ground.

lift me higher into the sky;
let me touch a star and hold on tight.
I'm losing grip on what is or isn't;
find me please.
he says, baby i'll be your north star

he says what I need to hear
he loves me on my worst days,
even when I swear.
he says, he'll never leave.
I think this one truly loves me.

Backed Against Myself

in this hour of the setting sun i light three candles in honor of the creator, his son, and his holy ghost.
i want to remember that i have a little light left in the darkness that has overtaken my soul.

in the quiet of my home i close my eyes to see into why i hurt so bad.
i am a tormented liar.
i've decieved the world around me for my own selfish reasons.
i cannot let my unthinking tongue expose how weak i've become.

in my mind i work hard to justify all my actions.
i fall short.
there's nowwhere to go.
i can't severe this anger festering inside of me from my heart.
it feels dirty and raw, the violence revolts me, yet draws me closer to it.
i want to run, but it would be a circle back to here.

in my heart there's a precious haven where all the ones i love reside, despite distance and the passing of time.
i wish the whole of my heart was overflowing with their love, but so much of me is torn and lost.
my heart is almost dead.
i don't think i can be saved or fixed.

in the cold i feel alive.
the brisk bitter air flows in and out of my lungs exciting me.
i actually feel my breathing, almost like your screams lingering in your ears after a nightmare.
i struggle with the same issues over and over.
i'm always backed against myself in the corner scared of my own shadows.
the fight won't end until i'm dead, but then who wins?

Want Some?

the dream in my head is dark and scary.
i'm afraid to sleep.
the fear pauses my heart beats.
if your dreams are messages from your sub-conscious,
then i need help fast!

my exhaustion is tearing me down quickly.
even opening my eyes is making me weary.
i don't want to dive into my thoughts,
in case i drown in their darkness.

blood, red lights flicker and dim, exposed brick walls,
like a set of a B horror film.
i'm confused, dazed, and lost.
i feel disconnected from myself,
like i'm on autopilot.
i watch myself stabbing something over and over again.
the expression on my face is one of glee.
i watch me enjoy the blood splattering onto every surface.
what the hell bleeds this much?

i awake panicked and dripping in sweat.
how could i enjoy such a murderous rage?
i do giggle when i hold a large knife,
but i thought that was because i saw my reflection in the blade.
i am concerned there's another reason,
some deep seated madness waiting to escape.
another night spent pacing instead of resting.

is it a nightmare taunting me?
do i dare force myself to see what i am stabbing?
i feel fragile, like i'm on the edge of some great discovery or doom.
can there be truth here that will heal me?
i decide to medicate.
i take the pills praying for a dreamless deep sleep.

i'm back again!
same place, now i smell something rotting.
i feel the heat of something burning.
i'm not stabbing anymore.
i'm eating, an arm, ew!
i look up at me and extend myself an offer,
"want some?"
i feel myself recoil and shake my head no,
i continue to tell myself,
"it's fatty, but that's why it taste so good well done."
i look over a the corner, and there i am,
stabbed dead, minus an arm,
what the fuck have i done?

i wake up shaking and screaming.
i'm horrified.
i killed myself and i'm eating myself?
what does that mean???
i'm afraid to guess.
am i going to destroy myself?
another night spent pacing instead of racing.
i fear the night now!