About a Man

my life has become a one sided conversation.
i speak to you but you're not even here.
the disaster is evident in the pill bottles scattered on the bathroom counter top
and the dropped pills on the floor.
i never bother to pick them up because there's always more.

i drown a little every time you reach out to hit me with your angry words.
i sink below the surface of your hate even more.
i broke under the weight of your expectations.
just when i begin to show some progress, you pop up and drag me under once more.

i'm a good person trapped in your bad mood.
the perpetual shifts in your demeanor swing me until i get sick off all the emotions.
let me go. let me down. let me out of this miserable relationship and your twisted revenge.
life is simple for most, but for me it's always been so damn confusing.

yes, as usual, it's all about a man!
it always has been.
the current mistake hurts the most.
i thought i'd gotten it right, but i was kidding myself.

Remember

i'm in a constant state of confusion
all this exercising is altering my brain chemistry
i'm hyper and panicked
i want to shake off this feeling of doom
i feel like i've derailed
and my runaway emotions are going to kill me

remember me, remember me
i want you to be the father of my desired child
your touch vacates all logical thoughts
remember you, remember you
you've seared yourself into my brain
but the timing is off again

i'm filling up my hollowness with regrets
i'm ashamed to admit your effect on me
i'm prancing around the parking lot
hoping you'll stop and want to talk
i feel like a cheap corner whore
and i can't make myself stop

remember before, remember before
i was not turned on by you
i thought you were married
remember her, remember her
she looks at you with love in her eyes
and i don't want to conquer and divide

Teach Me

teach me to heal the wounds of fear.
bring me a healer to lead me back to righteous thoughts.
distractions tempted me into being unworthy.
i painted my life in the red of sin.
i built my own prison from selfish desires.
i am desperate to feel God's love again.

i will apply the golden rule to everything i say and do.
Jesus, I beg you for your forgiveness,
project onto me your light and grace
and i will serve for the rest of my days, amen.

my revelation to see soulful perfection
was brought to me while i was drowning in a sea of confusion.
i wasn't capable of seeing the truth.
my detour through many sins had my free will chained to several addictions.
i asked for a miracle.
i wanted to change my perception.
my atonement brought back to me an amazing peace and contentment.

i look forward to every new day.
i enjoy the opportunities to serve and pray.
i stand strong in the timelessness of God's love.
my nights of tears have disappeared along with my fears.
Jesus saved me and he teaches me how to help myself by helping others.

Brickwall

wrong is wrong
right is right
how simple
how strong

somewhere along the road
confusion set in
logic fled
and you heart turned cold

black is black
white is white
how obvious
how clear

once upon a time we loved
the signals got lost
you got turned around
and i hit a brickwall

love is love
life is life
how sweet
how easy

i couldn't see what i had
you couldn't wait for nothing
our tower of lies crumbled
and we destroyed each other

a rose is a rose
a thorn is a thorn
how true
how pure

today i see it all clearly
like i couldn't see it before
i was scared
and you believed me when i told you i didn't love you anymore.

good bye is forever
the truth is a lie
how final
how me

it takes only seconds
to rip apart years
i want you second
and you were right to leave

Want Some?

the dream in my head is dark and scary.
i'm afraid to sleep.
the fear pauses my heart beats.
if your dreams are messages from your sub-conscious,
then i need help fast!

my exhaustion is tearing me down quickly.
even opening my eyes is making me weary.
i don't want to dive into my thoughts,
in case i drown in their darkness.

blood, red lights flicker and dim, exposed brick walls,
like a set of a B horror film.
i'm confused, dazed, and lost.
i feel disconnected from myself,
like i'm on autopilot.
i watch myself stabbing something over and over again.
the expression on my face is one of glee.
i watch me enjoy the blood splattering onto every surface.
what the hell bleeds this much?

i awake panicked and dripping in sweat.
how could i enjoy such a murderous rage?
i do giggle when i hold a large knife,
but i thought that was because i saw my reflection in the blade.
i am concerned there's another reason,
some deep seated madness waiting to escape.
another night spent pacing instead of resting.

is it a nightmare taunting me?
do i dare force myself to see what i am stabbing?
i feel fragile, like i'm on the edge of some great discovery or doom.
can there be truth here that will heal me?
i decide to medicate.
i take the pills praying for a dreamless deep sleep.

i'm back again!
same place, now i smell something rotting.
i feel the heat of something burning.
i'm not stabbing anymore.
i'm eating, an arm, ew!
i look up at me and extend myself an offer,
"want some?"
i feel myself recoil and shake my head no,
i continue to tell myself,
"it's fatty, but that's why it taste so good well done."
i look over a the corner, and there i am,
stabbed dead, minus an arm,
what the fuck have i done?

i wake up shaking and screaming.
i'm horrified.
i killed myself and i'm eating myself?
what does that mean???
i'm afraid to guess.
am i going to destroy myself?
another night spent pacing instead of racing.
i fear the night now!

Plain View

that's weird!
i searched frantically for you just yesterday.
i dug through my purse like a hopped up crack head
and i didn't see you.
i pulled out everything and you weren't there.
i just put something new in my purse
and there you were in plain view!

this is happening now all the time.
i'm tearing my house apart
looking for somethingi can't live without.
i get so bent out of shape about every little thing.
i work myself up into a panicked frenzy,
but the object i desire eludes me.
so i give up and i move on.
then two days later i see you in plain view,
but i don't need you anymore.

i'd laugh at myself if i wasn't crying already.
is someone playing games with me?
i worry about flipping out
and when i can't figure this out
i freak thinking insanity is coming to nest.
that my brain is turning into a charlie sheen mess.
God, help me, i'm going crazy!

do they go to another dimension?
maybe they come to life and move when i'm not home,
like in the movies.
it's really bothering me.
if it had been a snake it would have bitten me.

maybe i'm going blind
or developing selective sight.
but i can't find anything when i need it the most.
what's in plain view becomes concealed,
like it's wearing an invisibility cloak!
So weird!!!