Sunshine

i'm sunshine on a cloudy day
no one sees me shine away
the addiction is overwhelming me
the mess left behind blinds me
i dig around the old hiding places
today i shined but tomorrow i need more
or i will get left behind

i heard the right words in my head
but those are never the ones that come out my mouth
i can't stop my own train wreck
these actions are half-cocked
i run off into sunshine and drive into deep water full of sharks

i get it right one time out of 100
but all you remember is the 99 i screwed up
there's no good way here
only my flaws show the worst foot forward
i'm still here eating the fallout of my mistakes
hoping one day someone sees me shine

Every Screw

i'm gonna climb the highest mountain and catch a ride on a shooting star.
i'm going to ride it until it falls.
i'll take this high until i crash and burn.
up i go with no safety net,
no hopes or dreams to catch,
i'll never accept i can shine.

bring me a piece of the sun.
close out this darkness.
hold onto your criticims.
i don't need an activist.
i won't reject you if you'll let me go.

i lost it back there.
i keep climbing stairs to nowhere.
my heart is smoking a special blend of fears.

the devil told me God didn't want me,
but yesterday i saw an angel smiling at me.
somewhere between my destruction and my salvation is where i can find what i need.

buy me a teflon soul.
let my nervous system reboot.
i didn't need a preacher.
your opinions are freely given,
but cost me all i hold dear.

i'm dancing across our history.
i feel like newly fallen snow my dog just shit on.
you never could let me slide.
you got to tighten every screw in my mind.

i can't forget the seeds you plant.
i got my weed whacker in shot glasses.
i'll cure this afflication until it kills you in my reflections.

i say crazy things and i mean them.
i deal in quantum madness.
multiply me by my infinite sadness.
the blackhole i've swallowed is turning me into you.
God forbid if there are two!

Adieu

i'm growing weak from the havoc you create
you disguise your lies as a lover's appetite
my heart can't be sustained with you as my mate
my hopes are flying away like a runaway kite

i built you up and you tore me down
it hurts when you don't respond
your rejection slaps me around
i dumped your belongings into the pond

my tears echo in these empty hallways
your memory haunts every corner
i let you rule me with your dominant ways
my foolish pride made me a slow learner

your anger is the only part of you i knew
it's been long overdue to bid you a final adieu

My Beloved

i'm writing this instead of calling you.
i think you've destroyed me.
all my desire is gone.
i am cured of hope.
faith has forsaken me.
i can't help but think of you.
i know you've heard it all before
and i'm letting you fight your own war.

if you're hurting so am i.
i don't want to make you love me,
but i'd forgive it all,
if you could just love me a little bit.

i scared you and i scared me too.
i just don't want to close the door on us.
i was so disappointed that you didn't want more with me.
i had hoped time would bring you around.
i am confused.
and i'm hurt, but one day i hope you realize,
you don't have to look anymore,
because i'm right here waiting on you.

i should try to give you a little more.
i should've seen it coming.
i guess my loving you wasn't enough.
i'm slowly getting my closure.
you took a hammer to my heart
and killed the best parts of me.

i doubted your resolve.
i know i'll get over you.
but i don't think i'm ever going to open up again,
the way i opened up to you.
you know all my secrets.
i guess that's why it hurts so much!

Want Some?

the dream in my head is dark and scary.
i'm afraid to sleep.
the fear pauses my heart beats.
if your dreams are messages from your sub-conscious,
then i need help fast!

my exhaustion is tearing me down quickly.
even opening my eyes is making me weary.
i don't want to dive into my thoughts,
in case i drown in their darkness.

blood, red lights flicker and dim, exposed brick walls,
like a set of a B horror film.
i'm confused, dazed, and lost.
i feel disconnected from myself,
like i'm on autopilot.
i watch myself stabbing something over and over again.
the expression on my face is one of glee.
i watch me enjoy the blood splattering onto every surface.
what the hell bleeds this much?

i awake panicked and dripping in sweat.
how could i enjoy such a murderous rage?
i do giggle when i hold a large knife,
but i thought that was because i saw my reflection in the blade.
i am concerned there's another reason,
some deep seated madness waiting to escape.
another night spent pacing instead of resting.

is it a nightmare taunting me?
do i dare force myself to see what i am stabbing?
i feel fragile, like i'm on the edge of some great discovery or doom.
can there be truth here that will heal me?
i decide to medicate.
i take the pills praying for a dreamless deep sleep.

i'm back again!
same place, now i smell something rotting.
i feel the heat of something burning.
i'm not stabbing anymore.
i'm eating, an arm, ew!
i look up at me and extend myself an offer,
"want some?"
i feel myself recoil and shake my head no,
i continue to tell myself,
"it's fatty, but that's why it taste so good well done."
i look over a the corner, and there i am,
stabbed dead, minus an arm,
what the fuck have i done?

i wake up shaking and screaming.
i'm horrified.
i killed myself and i'm eating myself?
what does that mean???
i'm afraid to guess.
am i going to destroy myself?
another night spent pacing instead of racing.
i fear the night now!

Ruin Me

you listen to me long enough so you can disagree.
you are sure that you are better then me at everything.
i'm getting tired of always being wrong with you.
maybe this isn't healthy for me anymore.

you tell me you'll ruin me.
i like to please and you like to tease.
i avoid confrontation and you like to be in my face.
there's no 1/2 way point to meet you at.

i listen to you talk about your passions.
i think i don't really care.
but the subject matter is the only thing i don't love.
you are frustrating as much as you are captivating.

you like to say you'll ruin me.
i can't stand up for myself so you'd run over me.
i offer to be brave and you lecture me to be me.
then you tell me to be assertive and if i am
you still don't want me, i can't win.

it hurts when you beat me down.
my feelings are letting me down.
i want to step away and quit you.
but i need to hear more about how passive i am.

what you say has more sway then you think
i want you to ruin me,
i think you should try.
i might surprise us both.
but you've already made up your mind.
you don't want to try and you never did.

In The Dark

in the dark i sit to gather my thoughts.
what was today?
and what did it mean to me?
the aching shoulder
or the throbbing knee,
which one will be the death of me?

in the dark i lay waiting for sleep.
what will tomorrow bring?
and how will it impact me?
the pills taken
or the alcohol drank,
which one of these will be the end of me?

in the dark i fret about my life.
where am i going?
and when will i get there?
the mistakes i'm making
or the reckless actions i'm taking,
which one will be the destruction of me?

in the dark i hope for a better day.
why can't i get better?
and when will i get it right?
the men i've loved
or the loved ones i've lost,
which one will be what breaks me?

Raspy

Raspy
Hoarse and corrosive
Abrasive and rude
I awake from my dream
Reality lies before me
Forceful and demanding
Confusing and listless
I runaway
I hide from him
Seeking and questioning
Knowing and betraying
My love
Destroyed
My soul
Barren
My heart
Raped
I cry for help
Raspy noises escape
My throat uncooperative
He finds me

Save Me

Save Me
Save me from who I am
Save me from who I used to be
Save me from everyone I hate
Save me from myself
Save me for good
Save me for bad
All that life can be had
Save me for tomorrow
Save me for your sorrowful tales
Lies and spies will save the world
But will you save me?

Not Another Word Spoken

i can't think of any word that could describe the way i feel. labels are so useless when you're not sure who you are. i see how bad the world is and how bad i feel. reason without cause today is reason enough. i want more. why do we kill, why do we love, why do we hate, why do we touch. if there's so much pain in love why do we want it so badly.

so many thoughts on my mind, so many wishes in my heart, so many doubts linger on. i want things that will never be, but the wanting never leaves. is there salvation in damnation or do you just break even

i picked a road years ago and i still don't know where it leads but i drive on, if i go far enough i might cross your path and you might just be what i needed to find all the love i've ever wanted and i can give you all the love you've ever needed. a spark to ignite my fire. can you have both passion and love or is one enough to get you through

so many questions, so many anwers, never any connections, i wonder to my destruction and pause. can i love, am i capable enough, i can't take another broken heart. but if i quit trying i'll never win. i'll window shop and weigh all my options, but i know if i find you there won't be another word spoken.