The Day After

i'm working so hard to get you off of my mind.
here i am staring out the window,
trying to force the clouds to not look like you.
if this is letting go, then what's holding on?
i've got to severe this hold you have on me
before it's the end of me.

the day after you left me i screamed and i cried.
i threw your stuff in the trash.
i ripped up all the pictures and tried to burn the happy times into ash.
the day after i said i'm over you i'm still lonely.

i'm dating and dancing at the bars.
i'm drinking and eating myself merry.
i'm hoping to fall in love with Scott tonight.
i'm thinking i've finally found the man to spend all my nights with.
it's all the hope i have to believe i can love again.

the day after i slept with Scott he still hasn't called.
i start wondering if i was wrong.
he seemed to be the right guy, but it's been so long,
i don't trust my own feelings anymore.
the day after i said who cares if he calls i'm still lonely.

is this how the rest of my life is going to be?
lonely and cold,
lonely and old,
i don't want to be desperate.
the day after tomorrow i'll get back out there.
i'll climb out of bed and try again.
the only hope i have left is that i'm able to fall in love again.

Go Ahead and Scream

i have to sleep if i'm going to church.
i have to think even if it hurts.
one little ache echoes throughout my nervous system.
i fall wounded but aware onto my bed where i no longer care.

turn a trick to pay the rent.
it's nothing without love.
i find God in my heart but hate in my thoughts.
there's no more excuses to buy me more time.

dreaming of portals to take me back in time.
undo some mistakes, take some chances i didn't take.
learn if i would still be here and if i'd still cry.
what if i live better in another dimension?
could i swap out the old for the new?
put into circulation an upgrade of me that everyone wants to love.

confusion bends my eyes to see flaws and discrepancies everywhere.
i don't balance my checkbook.
i hate all the fees when i come out red,
it is such a horrible color for me.

space is a vacuum of darkness,
go ahead and scream, no one hears it out there
and down here no one cares.
so take the sharpest thought you got,
stab at the world's toughest problems.
save the poor, feed the pot bellied children,
go and fight a war thousands of years in the making.
the weapons are vastly improved, but the games still dirty.

i can't stay on one subject for too long.
i zig then i zag.
i look at every price tag.
i can't find what it is i'm looking for.
the catalogs and web sites only want me to buy more.

this is unknown territory for me,
but i fearlessly march right into it.
a stick or a bullet can kill.
i fight battles that aren't real.
my spirit is starved from lack of inspirational prose,
so i'll got to bed so i can go to church tomorrow
and find the purpose i lost long ago.

Backed Against Myself

in this hour of the setting sun i light three candles in honor of the creator, his son, and his holy ghost.
i want to remember that i have a little light left in the darkness that has overtaken my soul.

in the quiet of my home i close my eyes to see into why i hurt so bad.
i am a tormented liar.
i've decieved the world around me for my own selfish reasons.
i cannot let my unthinking tongue expose how weak i've become.

in my mind i work hard to justify all my actions.
i fall short.
there's nowwhere to go.
i can't severe this anger festering inside of me from my heart.
it feels dirty and raw, the violence revolts me, yet draws me closer to it.
i want to run, but it would be a circle back to here.

in my heart there's a precious haven where all the ones i love reside, despite distance and the passing of time.
i wish the whole of my heart was overflowing with their love, but so much of me is torn and lost.
my heart is almost dead.
i don't think i can be saved or fixed.

in the cold i feel alive.
the brisk bitter air flows in and out of my lungs exciting me.
i actually feel my breathing, almost like your screams lingering in your ears after a nightmare.
i struggle with the same issues over and over.
i'm always backed against myself in the corner scared of my own shadows.
the fight won't end until i'm dead, but then who wins?