Crush

i have a new crush, hush!
it's a secret i keep close to my heart.
i've been bum rushed with lust!
it's time to dust off my heart and attempt to love again.
the scars run deep into my soul.
the feelings are growing but i hold back.
i hesitate to make initial contact.
rejection could crush my fragile feelings.

i don't know how many beats my poor heart has left.
time is short but heartbreak's sting is still too fresh.
i'm missing the nerve to take this chance!
i work hard to avoid the opposite sex but they're everywhere.
he is someone i always thought was cute but he had a ring where it can get me hurt,
but now i notice the ring is gone!
i don't know what happened or if he's still haunted by a divorce's ghost.
do i ask or just stare some more?

my past still shadow's my every step.
i can't go all in anymore.
these memories hurt less everyday but i'm a long way from healed.
loneliness is still a preferred state of being at this point.
i've become allergic to pain.
i cough and nearly choke to death at the thought of falling in love!

these times are tough and i have to survive.
i can't trust my heart or believe my ears.
lies are so easily disguised as hope.
truth hurts worse when told to you by someone else.
i can't deny this crush, but i can fight against it!
it won't overtake me!
this time i walk away before it ever starts.

Bangs and a Broken Heart

i got bangs and a broken heart.
he tore my whole world apart.
i was chasing the shadow of the perfect man.
he was an illusion selling me my dreams and i paid him everything i had!

now i'm alone, older, and not wiser.
i'm thinking about what went wrong this time.
he isn't remorseful and i'm not ready to let go.
we struggle against each other's flaws.
i wanted all of him and he wanted nothing at all from me!

i had hope for the first time in awhile.
the sun can't shine on me forever.
i had fun until he took it all away.
i had him but i didn't guess he wouldn't stay.
why can't i find love that won't fade?

those silly girlhood forever fantasies got the better of me.
he preyed upon my vulnerabilities.
wishes were the fuel for his bonfire of lies.
he duped me and i let him.
i don't know if i can do this anymore.
i have to undo this damage or he'll win!

i'm retreating to nurse my wounds.
this heartache won't kill me but i'm spooked.
it's time to be less a romantic and more pragmatic.
my goals are clear and he's not meeting them.
if love could be logical then we'd be happier.
i'll take this seat at the head of an empty table
and my mind will move past what it always knew would never last!

Insecurities

my insecurities are stalking me.
you're steeped in sickness but i fret over your unresponsiveness.
i feel like i need you more then you need me.
the voices of discontent grow louder in my head.
i want to believe your reasons are legitimate,
but the lies of past lover's leave me unconvinced.

i pick apart our time spent.
is there a deception i have missed tucked away among your perfect words?
a riddle or mystery waiting to be solved has emerged.
this has been an amazing journey,
but my daddy's words echo, "if it's too good to be true,
then he's probably lying to you"

my flaws are becoming prominent.
your concern for your own contentment grows.
you have your life all planned out and i'm not in it.
i'm a wildcard that only cast doubts.
you reassure me it'll be okay.
you tell me i have nothing to worry about
then why am i worried?

my feet cast shadows on the wall.
i watch my fears come out to play.
i don't know how to turn these lemons into lemonade.
i don't have the nerve to complain.
you explained yourself just yesterday,
but i'm still confused!

the pressure to be who you want gets to me.
i want to be who you think i am.
i hide the bitter, fearful, depressed parts of me.
i struggle every day to be half of who i am.
i don't want to ruin the illusions you have.
you are what i see i wish i could be more like you.

my insecurities are ready to overtake me.
just beyond my reach is sanity.
i must resist the urge to flip my lid.
there's questions i have that are unreasonable.
i keep waiting for my fears to fade, but know i now they are my friends.
this is how i protect my heart.
i freak out then fall apart!

Verb

i lay in bed mesmerized by the ceiling again.
i close my eyes and i see light and dark.
the shadows chase me when i try to sleep.
i feel my face with my fingertips.
i press against the bone underneath my flesh.
i feel caged in and i want to dig my nails into my skin
and tear away what brings me pain.

the path is getting narrow.
the darkness is getting stronger.
i'm turning into a being of pure feeling.
my senses are reeling.
i don't know if it's the drugs leaving or the real me being.

this life of people, lies, and sex smells like shit.
i want to break my own neck.
when the sun hides, when the clouds conceal; that's when my mind comes alive.
i spin through a billion thoughts.
i'm devoured nerve by nerve.
the air is pushing down and in on me.
all i suffer is never enough.

sacrifice me at your will.
i'm breaking down.
i can't stay wrapped up in a bubble.
i think too damn much.
i am power; raw, sensual, sexual fire.
all the reality blurs as my world collapses with one word, verb!

Backed Against Myself

in this hour of the setting sun i light three candles in honor of the creator, his son, and his holy ghost.
i want to remember that i have a little light left in the darkness that has overtaken my soul.

in the quiet of my home i close my eyes to see into why i hurt so bad.
i am a tormented liar.
i've decieved the world around me for my own selfish reasons.
i cannot let my unthinking tongue expose how weak i've become.

in my mind i work hard to justify all my actions.
i fall short.
there's nowwhere to go.
i can't severe this anger festering inside of me from my heart.
it feels dirty and raw, the violence revolts me, yet draws me closer to it.
i want to run, but it would be a circle back to here.

in my heart there's a precious haven where all the ones i love reside, despite distance and the passing of time.
i wish the whole of my heart was overflowing with their love, but so much of me is torn and lost.
my heart is almost dead.
i don't think i can be saved or fixed.

in the cold i feel alive.
the brisk bitter air flows in and out of my lungs exciting me.
i actually feel my breathing, almost like your screams lingering in your ears after a nightmare.
i struggle with the same issues over and over.
i'm always backed against myself in the corner scared of my own shadows.
the fight won't end until i'm dead, but then who wins?

Needy or No Satisfaction

i've been needy lately
i need your attention
i need your touch
i need your affection
i need you too damn much
but you don't need me for any of the above

i'm chasing your shadow on a sunny day
i'm searching for a way to make you want me like i want you too
i can't find a way out of this box you put me in
it's not supposed to matter what we feel

this game of tag we're playing, why am i always it?
you've lined me up like dominoes, and i'm falling over you again and again.
this stinks worse then rotting fish
i'm wound up with no outlet for release.

i need to control my own desires.
i need to be calm.
i need to be cool.
i need to be able to walk away from you.
but none of my needs ever get met.
i'm perpetually needy, no satisfaction anywhere in my future!

In the Moonlight

i load my gun with bullets of hope.
i shoot it at the sun to light up the shadows.
you won't find any monsters here,
just some ghosts crying over their mistakes.

i took a vow to smile everyday.
i gave up smoking so my kid could breathe better.
i quit drinking so i wouldn't be an alcoholic,
but the history of my memories will haunt me for forever.

i work hard to acquire trinkets and gadgets.
if these are the good times i fear the worst.
the rich are wasteful but demand respect.
how can you be a hero if you sold your soul?
our society thrives on giving out second chances,
but the creation of a gentle and accepting people didn't happen.

i have limited understanding
and my flexibility is growing rigid.
every one looks better in the moonlight.
it doesn't mean we should all turn out our lights.
i'm tired of fighting for more.
i'd rather spend an infinity alone.
i take solace in the fact that one day i'll be dead
and this world won't be my problem anymore

Top of the World

I went to the top of the world. I looked around. Then I turned you down. How do I get ahead by sleeping around? No thank you. I’ve done been down that route. I got one path calling to me, it’s the one where I be myself. It’s rocky and I fall a lot. I get scraped and bruised and I learn a little bit at a time. But I keep climbing on it finding my own way back to the top of the world just being me.

Sacrifice unselfishly to do it my way. I can’t compromise this time. I look stupid from where you’re sitting. But the world’s mine for the first time it’s working for me. I can see a future clear as day. I got a plan it’s one day at a time. I do what needs to be done. Along the way I found someone. I was hiding behind your shadow afraid to bask in the sun. I’ll pass the flask of freedom on. I got enough to keep me strong. I’ll reach my goals just being me.

I’m free and wild. I’m confused and smiling. I’m looking towards the horizon hoping my dreams come true just being me. I don’t know who else I can be. I may not always like me but I know me and one day I’ll see it wasn’t all bad and it wasn’t all good but I got there doing things my way. What’s wrong with being me? I’m finally free. My façade is crashing down. It feels so good to let it all hang out. Pretending for you was wearing me out. I was forgetting my beliefs. I was losing my dreams. I am clawing my way back from the cliff. I see me, it’s been too long. You had me all wrong.

I’m the one that got lost. But now it’s better. I walked out on my own terms. I tore apart the chains you had me in. I will succeed or I will fail but I will do it just by being myself. All I can ever be is me.