Can Do

i can do this on my own
you get used to the guilt
the bed doesn't seem empty anymore
it just swallows you up to keep you warm
i don't feel lonely anymore
i feel relieved
no more tears and no more fears
i only answer to myself
i'm no longer held up to someone else's impossible standards
i have everything i need

i feel lighter
i think clearer without all your hot air surrounding me
i've reflected enough on the why
i'm doing myself proud
other people's happiness doesn't drag me down
life just got simpler

i smile to myself more often
don't feel sorry for me
i've finally set myself free
i no longer hold on to the cliches
this is paradise
i got all my stuff just the way i want it
the toilet seat is always down
i'm a big girl now

i can do this on my own and damn i do it good

Today (The Shifting Perspective)

today i can see my life for years behind and forward.
how i've been wrong and how i've been right.
the choice i've made good and bad.
the bridges i burnt down.
clarity swallows me and i drown into haunted memories.

tomorrow is coming around.
i want to change course but i'm clueless.
i've been lonely so long i forget how to belong.
take a turn on the what could have been wheel.
try to remember what is like to love.
how to feel the warmth of a someones touch.
i wish i could cleanse my soul with tears but they don't come anymore.

i've dried up into a wrinkled, dark spotted flesh.
i need to know if i ever cross your mind
or am i thrown away like a piece of junk mail.
these wandering thoughts echo in my empty heart.
i found a pill that destroys my pain,
but there aren't enough to eliminate everything.

today doesn't mark any anniversary.
there's nothing special about my misery.
all these years i've tried to be the good girl.
now i see i never was good.
the mask never took hold of me.
i'm so sorry, i don't know how to make this right.

tomorrow is always on its way.
i can't stop it nor do i want it.
here and now is the best second.
i have it all in my head.
i'm afraid i'll forget.
i have this chance to take care of you instead of me.
i've run out of lies on this rope i've hung myself out to dry.

me and my fears have had an epic love affair.
now i need to see what life is like when you let go.
i need to know if time can truly heal
or will your face continue to taunt me forever.
all my dreams have collapsed into me.
everyone stares as i supernova.
everybody loves to watch when it's not their heart breaking into dust!

Far Flung Angel

tossed aside like a worn out rag doll,
i wanted you to kiss away my tears.
all my life i danced to the tune of my fears.
i see the end of the road and i'm not liking it!
the collision is destined and i have to live with that.

God threw me out into the world;
blonde and grey eyed, daddy's little angel;
one mistake followed by another,
it all adds up to me being a nervous wreck.
i pray to God for some relief,
but this far flung angel is out of His reach!

tell me the truth, i know it'll hurt.
i've sugar coated my faults and now no one recognizes me including me.
i wrote it all down in an emergency suicide note,
but i'll never kill myself,
but one day i'll destroy myself.

little girls are supposed to be sugar and spice and everything nice,
but i'm just crazy with rotten habits i can't break.
mommy's little angel lives life to the hilt.
my halo's broken and my wings are torn.
God has forgotten this far flung angel He used to adore.

i wish upon a planet.
my wishes are too big for the stars.
i want silence inside my head and peace within my heart.
i don't know where to start.
i saw the world in black and white,
but now i'm so far out i can't find the light.

dear God,
i'm off course.
i've flung myself upon the mercy of sin
and you can see what bad shape i am in.
please forgive this far flung angel and let me back in!

Every Screw

i'm gonna climb the highest mountain and catch a ride on a shooting star.
i'm going to ride it until it falls.
i'll take this high until i crash and burn.
up i go with no safety net,
no hopes or dreams to catch,
i'll never accept i can shine.

bring me a piece of the sun.
close out this darkness.
hold onto your criticims.
i don't need an activist.
i won't reject you if you'll let me go.

i lost it back there.
i keep climbing stairs to nowhere.
my heart is smoking a special blend of fears.

the devil told me God didn't want me,
but yesterday i saw an angel smiling at me.
somewhere between my destruction and my salvation is where i can find what i need.

buy me a teflon soul.
let my nervous system reboot.
i didn't need a preacher.
your opinions are freely given,
but cost me all i hold dear.

i'm dancing across our history.
i feel like newly fallen snow my dog just shit on.
you never could let me slide.
you got to tighten every screw in my mind.

i can't forget the seeds you plant.
i got my weed whacker in shot glasses.
i'll cure this afflication until it kills you in my reflections.

i say crazy things and i mean them.
i deal in quantum madness.
multiply me by my infinite sadness.
the blackhole i've swallowed is turning me into you.
God forbid if there are two!

Dearest MeeMaw

In Honor of Brownie Irene Lock 9/3/1923 - 12/13/2011

Dearest MeeMaw i'm lost in memories of you.
Your sweet smile and child like giggles haunt my mind.
My world lost an effervescent light this morning.
Your love helped to anchor me in the darkest of times.
2am God took your beautiful soul back home.
He knows how much I love you.

My head hurts from trying to hold back these tears.
I'm working hard to overcome my fears.
Your pain is over and your blessings are fulfilled.
I feel selfish for still wanting you here.
I didn't call or visit as often as I should have,
but you were always near and dear to me.

I'm your little Irene and now your my guardian angel.
You'll never be far from my thoughts
And you'll always be with me in my heart.
I love you Brownie Irene.
You have always made the world a better place for me.
God take good care of her up there.
She spent her life loving you too.

Her faith never waivered.
Where I had doubts she embraced it all.
I wish I could be more like her.
Strong, Independent, Devoted, and Determined is what comes to mind when I try to describe her.
I love her and miss her so much already.
May peace be upon your soul, my beloved MeeMaw.
This little Irene will try her best to make you proud!

Gone with the Sunrise

how many days will it take for these blues to go away?
when will my heart finally be whole again?
inside of my mind all i have is unanswered questions.
inside my heart there's unrequited love.
i'm searching for solutions to all the above.

he seduces me with his hazel eyes
and husky voiced phrases, like you're beautiful.
it's everything i wanted to hear,
but the doubts still call out, he's a liar.
they're all liars.
i need him to keep the pain at bay,
but he won't be here forever.
he's like all the others, gone with the sunrise.

when will i be loved for who i am?
what am i doing wrong with all these men?
why can't i sustain a relationship with them?
am i that broken?
my mind swirls and twirls over every failed attempt at happily ever after.
my heart is a blank open book.
i'm searching for resolutions to all the above.

he winks at me and grins while he kisses my neck.
charm and sweetness are dripping from his tongue.
he's handsome and smooth.
he says he's different, not to worry, he's sticking around.
i love the script he's reading from, but my fears are on high alert.
he's lying.
they'll say anything to get laid.
i only want him so i can spend one less night alone.
he won't be here forever.
he's like all the others, gone with the sunrise.

so'm i'm still asking questions that hurt.
i still want answers, but know they won't come easily.
change and i aren't well aquainted.
but i know true love doesn't happen on your own.
so i'll go through a million sunrises if that's what it takes to get it right!

Love's Sunset

love leaves only victory etched upon the youthful follies the old love to remember.
the flame burns red hot like it does at the beginning of anything exciting and new,
but time brings differences and doubts.
the flame turns blue and cold to the touch until you notice the flame has gone out
and you don't love her anymore.

we move slowly like the snail when we don't want to change, but we know change is coming.
a tornado of broken promises, angry words, and thousands of tears rip lover's hearts apart.
go stand outside to watch the sun setting on your love.

she's picking apart every memory.
she wants to know the exact moment you fell out of love with her.
you have nothing to say as you pack your suitcase.
she automatically repacks all your things nice and neat.

life with her was perfect, familiar, and clean.
but with routine comes boredom and with boredom the yearning to stray to find entertainment elsewhere.
still, you will fondly think of her every time you put on your favorite t-shirt she bought you.
she's hoping you will miss her and come back,
but you both know you never look back.

we move like molasses in winter time when life throws us a curve ball.
you don't love her.
God knows you tried too.
you ignored the signs.
her eyes have filled up with tears.
your heart is full of fears.
you didn't want to hurt her, but you still are here.

the sun has set and you've run out of love to give her.
so you climb into your beloved yukon
and back out into the freedom of the unknown.
for some odd reason she waves goodbye.
a voice in your head whispers she'll be alright.

she waits until the car is out of sight.
she goes back inside and sits down.
finally she gives a huge sigh of relief
thank God i never had to tell him i didn't love him anymore.

Backed Against Myself

in this hour of the setting sun i light three candles in honor of the creator, his son, and his holy ghost.
i want to remember that i have a little light left in the darkness that has overtaken my soul.

in the quiet of my home i close my eyes to see into why i hurt so bad.
i am a tormented liar.
i've decieved the world around me for my own selfish reasons.
i cannot let my unthinking tongue expose how weak i've become.

in my mind i work hard to justify all my actions.
i fall short.
there's nowwhere to go.
i can't severe this anger festering inside of me from my heart.
it feels dirty and raw, the violence revolts me, yet draws me closer to it.
i want to run, but it would be a circle back to here.

in my heart there's a precious haven where all the ones i love reside, despite distance and the passing of time.
i wish the whole of my heart was overflowing with their love, but so much of me is torn and lost.
my heart is almost dead.
i don't think i can be saved or fixed.

in the cold i feel alive.
the brisk bitter air flows in and out of my lungs exciting me.
i actually feel my breathing, almost like your screams lingering in your ears after a nightmare.
i struggle with the same issues over and over.
i'm always backed against myself in the corner scared of my own shadows.
the fight won't end until i'm dead, but then who wins?