I knew

Self absorbed in the negative my ego’s barely registered.
I’m better with food in my mouth. It keeps me out of trouble.
I lie. It’s a simple fact. I open my mouth and out spills insanity.
If I don’t know I make it up. It works but it sucks when I get caught.

I feel that the T.V. hates me. It never tells me anything good.
I change channels all night long, but I find nothing to interest me.
Yet, I don’t turn it off. It’s enslaved me.
I want to see what will be next. I can’t miss it.

If I hear it’ll be Okay one more time I think I’ll scream.
I’ve waited 20 years for okay to come and it hasn’t.
I’ve seen bad and I got to meet worse. Devastation was horrible to me.
Death came and wouldn’t go away without taking half of me with him.
I still touch my pain, it reminds me to feel.

I cry thinking someday I’ll heal, so I keep picking at my scab to keep it fresh and bleeding because I don’t want to forget you.
I look both ways before I cross the street. I pay my taxes.
I dot my I’s and cross my t’s. If there’s a rule then it’s a rule for me.
I don’t dare color outside the lines. My fear of being caught paralyzes me a lot.

I dabble in sin. Never dipping too far in.
But one day I met this man, that’s when I fell deeper, so deep into the well.
You’d think I’d think before I leapt onto him.
I knew better but I still went into never never land holding his hand.
He’s telling me lies and I tell myself it’s truth.

This works until he leaves then I hurt. And he always leaves.
He has to go. His family is waiting for him at home.
Regret upon regret. I’m my own worst enemy.
I’ve done it again to me. My mistakes get grander every time.
What can I say? I have no excuses.
I knew. I knew. I knew.