Useless Desires

Resolution - I have lots of useless desires. They keep me from moving forward. I revolve around fulfilling them. I make lists about them. I save money for them. I dream about them. My life is frozen by my useless desires.

I neglect my needs. All my energy is gone. I sit on my ass all day long. I’ve been entrenched for almost a decade in a sedentary life style. As I’ve tried to stop the expansion of my waistline I’ve sacrificed my self-esteem. No longer is the future this optimistic place to be. I fear heart disease.

How do I gain control when I let my self-discipline leave ten years ago? Who will hold me now? I know I’m beyond hope. Higher and higher I climb on the slipper slope of obesity holding my breath as each medical report hits that I won’t fall right into my grave.

I have run out of excuses to give. My existence teeters on me changing who I let myself become. No book or pill can help me when I won’t help myself. I hate sweat. I hate lettuce. But I also hate being a size 22 and running out of breath just walking to my door.

I’m at the edge of a cliff. Do I jump or do I step back and live? I don’t know what to do and no one else can do this for me. January and New years are coming. Will I stick to the new path or come undone?

I have to break a lot of bad habits. Chocolate is my heroine. Cheese is my alcohol. Pop is my vicodin. It’s got to end before I’m buried 6 feet deep in a damp dark hole. I’ve known this for years, yet the pattern continues.

I eat to soothe, to cheer, to pass the time. I’ve never known hunger. I’ll never be full. Up on the wagon I’ll go. Lock me in and take away the ho ho’s. I’m going to be a bitch. But it’ll get better. God, it has to get better!