The Hospital

another 4 hours i won't get back
sitting on a gurney with a cold back
another medical scare
i am getting sick of these
i'm starting to not care

needles in my arm
veins missed and bruises formed
legs scanned for blood clots
it's just the pill
but i'm fat and old
so too much can go wrong

i didn't want to say anything
i'd rather just die
but i'm scared to die
so i do as i'm told
but it's all okay
just more money thrown away

i'm not sick
i'm not sick
i'm not ill
i'm not ill
i'm not diseased
i'm not diseased

please just leave me be.
i'm tired and alone.
i'm my own worse enemy.
i feed off concern and sympathy.
i don't want to die,
but i'm not alive.

God help me let go of this negativity.
my feelings are my only handicap.
cleanse me of my impurities
let me see how blessed life can be.
no more hospitals for me.

he makes me happy

he makes me happy
he makes me feel naughty
the chemistry between us is electric
but he's not mine to keep
and i fear one day he'll make me weep.

i'm working on enjoying the moment.
the way he hugs me
like he never wants to let me go
how he smiles when i laugh
the feeling of his heartbeat under my hand

little things about him keep me amazed
he's like no other man i've ever been with
i don't want it to ever end
but the gloomy part of me knows it will

he makes me happy
he has a hold over me
the days i am with him are the best ones yet
but he's not mine to love
and i fear one day he'll move on

3 Kisses

slowness grows upon my bones
reverse osmosis stalls my degradation
on top of the mountain i made from a dirty clothes pile
i am queen of everything i own
which is mostly the cheapest things i can buy
one kiss from you undid all i knew

yellow dr. pepper caps scattered on my desktop
they wait to unlock a prize for me
this is all i used to have to look forward to
two kisses from you raised my expectations

tv was my social calendar
i scheduled my life around the make believe world
thinking i have no need for more
i can live alone
i am my own best friend
three kisses from you showed me that's not true
i need you!

This

i don't care at all
if you still love her
cuz it's me you hold
my hopes are higher
then a 60's hippie trippin
all i ask is this
no lies
no secrets and
no promises you can't keep

tell me your worries
share your fears with me
i want to be your confidant
my heart beats your name
your voice brightens my day
all i want is this
no lies
no secrets and
no promises you won't keep

i can see us together,
old and happy
cuz we fit like 2 peas in a pod
you're the one that gets me
my lover and best friend
the one i can die with in the end
just give me this
no lies
no secrets and
no promises we can't keep

Ruin Me

you listen to me long enough so you can disagree.
you are sure that you are better then me at everything.
i'm getting tired of always being wrong with you.
maybe this isn't healthy for me anymore.

you tell me you'll ruin me.
i like to please and you like to tease.
i avoid confrontation and you like to be in my face.
there's no 1/2 way point to meet you at.

i listen to you talk about your passions.
i think i don't really care.
but the subject matter is the only thing i don't love.
you are frustrating as much as you are captivating.

you like to say you'll ruin me.
i can't stand up for myself so you'd run over me.
i offer to be brave and you lecture me to be me.
then you tell me to be assertive and if i am
you still don't want me, i can't win.

it hurts when you beat me down.
my feelings are letting me down.
i want to step away and quit you.
but i need to hear more about how passive i am.

what you say has more sway then you think
i want you to ruin me,
i think you should try.
i might surprise us both.
but you've already made up your mind.
you don't want to try and you never did.

After The Test

relief floods through me.
i am free.
i am clear.
my future opens up and
only I can hold me back.

truth is clearer when death is nearer.
fear distorts your vision.
doubt filters your hearing.
my insecurities tied me down.
now reality has direct access to me.

i am building a new world.
hope is abundant.
optimism is my fuel.
my smile leads the way.
no obstacles can stop me now.

after the test i found new zest.
dancing is fun.
laughing is good.
my mood is through the roof.
my old friend misery got kicked to the door.
no negativity is allowed anymore.

I have a Problem

Piled high on the table sit cook books.
All shapes and sizes abound.
There's cookies, cakes, and casseroles.
Modern tips and tricks, plus 70's citche.
I have to keep them all.

My mother's handwriting captured in a pickle relish recipe.
The curve of the o's, the slant of the l's.
It brings back memories of her smile.
I have a problem.
When I see a cook book I feel connected.

I collect them, but I don't cook often.
I have magazines and cards.
I have clippings, and little pieces of cardboard.
There's never enough.
85 total books and I want more.
The flea market has them for 2 bucks.
I'm told I need to stop, but I can't.

Just picking up a one with tons of pictures can cheer up my day.
It's one of the ways I spend a raining day.
It opens up my mind back to a time when my family would gather
around the kitchen table and fill the room with laughter.
I miss those days, so I open up a cook book to escape.
I don't see that as a problem.