Outbound Train of Thought

i woke up exhausted at 5:55 am today.
i got up and went into the bathroom.
i turned on the light and stared at myself in the mirror.
i looked translucent, like a ghost.

i felt dead, like i'd been ran over by the last train of thought
that left my head when i went to bed.
i was awake, but i felt like i'd just given birth.
i had an odd sensation in my hands.
i have never been a morning person.
my face is too white.
i look old.

if i ever win the lottery i will buy a new face
to match my new fancy place.
i am disgusted by every image of myself that i have ever seen.
i wish i was blind so i'd never have to look at myself again.

i keep telling myself, this is the week i make a change.
this will be the year i overcome my past,
but i keep covering the same old ground.
it's been forever since i felt put together.

this is my earthly home, i need to worry more about my soul.
i feel like God has set this life up like a stop watch.
He starts the clock when we are born innocent,
and only He has the knowledge when the clock will be stopped.
The one who did the most good in the time recorded gets a ticket to Heaven.
I hope He understands i am a slow learner!

i have control issues.
i am the first to admit i hate not being the one making the decisions.
accepting that i can not dictate to God what i want to happen in my life,
leaves me feeling like i'm drowning in a sea of chaos.
i can't breathe.
i feel sorrowful for wanting to veto God's will.

He immediately makes his point when i walk out the door.
the sky opens up and the water pours down on me,
like little reminders of his absolute power over me.
even i know a good rain can wash away all that is unclean.
i wonder if i should build a boat, because it's been raining alot these days!

control freak

let go, i dare you.
let someone else take control.
bite your lip;
hold your tongue;
learn to delegate once in awhile.

you complain of being tired.
you are sick of being worn out.
you bitch about being overworked,
but you do it to yourself.

you step right in and take over.
no one asked you too.
you lord over it like you own it.
then complain that no one stopped you.

you are like a tank.
you just run over every one.
i feel sorry for you.
sit back and just relax.
you work hard, yes.
but sometimes you need to let it go.

i got it.
i had it.
i was working on it.
but not up to your speed.
not under your thumb.
so you took it and ran.
now it's a bigger mess then it needs to be.

the control freak is running amok.
taking it all and throwing out nuts.
he can't step back and be objective.
he thinks he knows it all
and therefore must be in charge.

but i'm okay.
i can let it go.
i just hope you learn too
before your heart gives out on you.