God Already Knows

people tell me they talk to God and he speaks to them.
i'm jealous; the voices in my head aren't my friends.
this cage i've locked myself in has no key.
why can't God speak to me?

i'm told to pray and God will take away my disease,
but what if God is in my pain?

i have a thousand words in a single thought;
they rush out of my mouth like a flash flood.
these pictures in my head are disturbed.
why does God let me see this misery?

i'm told to count my blessing every day,
but what if God wants me to be cursed?

my hands won't work the way i want.
i destroy where i had hoped to create.
my heart isn't always in the right place.
i space myself the furthest from Him.
why do i tell God to go away?

i'm told to do good and God will follow,
but what if God wants me to follow him?

Dear God,
it's me again.
did you get my last prayer?
am i on hold?
do angels bowl?
where is the off switch for my pain?
do you love them more then me?
if you are everywhere, why do i feel so alone?

the questions never end and the answers never come.
this unending circle tortures my soul,
but God already knows!

Not Another Thought

i don't want to think about it, the end of you,
hush now, not another thought about you dying will ever cross my mind.
you got to carry on, you got to be the one that's strong.
you've carried me all my life, you can't give up, i'm not done needing your hand to hold on to.

i don't want to talk about it, the day you day,
hush now, not another word about your funeral will cross my lips.
you got to pull yourself together, you got to find a way to hold on.
you've been my rock all my life, you can't go, i'm not done needing your should to cry on.

i don't want to hear about it, the sad news of your passing one day,
hush now, not another syllable about your final wishes will be heard.
you got to stay positive, you are everything to me.
you've been the one to save me all my life, you got to be here, i'm not done needing you to rescue me on your white horse.

i don't want to think about it, the sad day you die,
hush now, not another thought about your death will cross my mind.
you will carry on, you will be strong.
you have to let me die first, because without you i'm lost.

I Don't Mind the Quiet

I don't mind the quiet.
There's enough noise in my head.
When all is chaos the quiet is my friend.
I try to sort through all my thoughts and find the ones I've forgot.

I don't mind the quiet.
It brought me this song.
A soft reminder of my gentle soul.
I enjoy the moments of soundless bliss.
The comfort of quiet is refreshing after the busy of the day.

I don't mind the quiet.
I spent the last hour staring at the rain hitting the window.
I don't know where it all goes.
I think more when I can't hear you.

I don't mind the quiet.
I do get lonely sometimes and bored.
But after some time in silence I feel better.
I think the quiet washes me clean and prepares me for another day.

I don't mind the quiet.
Sometimes I do nothing at all.
No thoughts, no sorrows, no pain just quiet and calm.
This world spins so fast and the quiet never lasts.

I don't mind the quiet.
I miss it when I don't get it.
I need these tranquil moments to listen to my heart.
I know the quiet is a friend that never overstays its welcome.

I don't mind the quiet.
I wish I could have more, but life is loud, it wants to be heard.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
The quiet will leave me soon enough, but now I relish it!

Little Thoughts

Do I think too small?
Do I think at all?
If i have a thought does it matter?
all my little thoughts must lead somewhere for me.
i'm not sure where to be but i'm not sitting here for free.
all my dreams get filed in number 13, how can i think bigger thoughts for me?

i cut myself short and talk myself down.
i hold balloons but never leave the ground.
i make up words so i can say i'm smart, but it's all nonsense, just like my thoughts.
take me up to the clouds i will live there.
fill my head with trivial crap so i won't need it.
i know which way to turn if i never go left.

do i think about you?
do i think about me?
if i think about us does it matter?
all my little thoughts don't add up to anything for me.
i'm not convinced i have what it takes to make it big.
all my hopes get dashed in salt and pepper, how can i think of a better flavor?

i put myself up and drown myself out.
i slash the tires on my think i can bus.
if my life was a movie, i'd play dumb and dumber, but it's all stupidity, just like my thoughts!
bury my head in the sand i like it there.
ignorance is comfortable and i wear it everywhere.
i know you don't trust me i lie because i want too.

do i think this poem sucks?
do i think you are bored?
if i think it's time to quit does it matter?
all my little thoughts evaporate into air.
i'm quivering in anticipation of my fears.
all my cleverness ran out about 10 years ago so none of this matters!

Silence, Do You Some Good?!

silence is more precious then gold.
leave the sound out of your mind.
focus on what you're feeling.
breathe slow and deep to relax.
can you reach a peaceful place yet?

close your eyes to block out the world.
hold yourself for comfort.
your the only one that's always there for you.
focus on every tactile brush of your hand.
come and find what sets you free.

do you need a pill to see?
are you addicted to the numbness?
let the anger flow out of you.
let the creativity take control of you.
reclaim your soul.

my dreams are full of darkness.
i ca't forget the pain.
i'm unable to focus my thoughts.
purgatory is living;
hell is ignoring you're alive.

freedom is relative;
i've built a hell hole.
my hidden self trapped.
focus on the light.
move toward the sunshine;
one step at a time.

i see.
i feel.
the numbness has begun to fade,
but here comes the pain!

Swimming

what about me swims in your head?
my weakness is your kisses.
i see you and my heart does a flip.
this world spins faster then i can deal with.
i see clarity when i'm away from you,
but when you're near i'm blinded by you.
this triangle has become bermuda,
when you enter me the world disappears.
only 10% of your time has been mine.
who swims in your head when i'm not around?

what holds you to her?
my thoughts are curious about you two.
you tell me she bores you.
you feel smothered and like it's all falling apart with her.
you don't want to hurt her,
but you don't hesitate to stomp on my heart.
there's no love that can bind you,
yet two women are slaves to you.
i know it swells up both of your heads.
this is the ultimate power of the worst kind.
whose the one that will be your downfall?

Dearest MeeMaw

In Honor of Brownie Irene Lock 9/3/1923 - 12/13/2011

Dearest MeeMaw i'm lost in memories of you.
Your sweet smile and child like giggles haunt my mind.
My world lost an effervescent light this morning.
Your love helped to anchor me in the darkest of times.
2am God took your beautiful soul back home.
He knows how much I love you.

My head hurts from trying to hold back these tears.
I'm working hard to overcome my fears.
Your pain is over and your blessings are fulfilled.
I feel selfish for still wanting you here.
I didn't call or visit as often as I should have,
but you were always near and dear to me.

I'm your little Irene and now your my guardian angel.
You'll never be far from my thoughts
And you'll always be with me in my heart.
I love you Brownie Irene.
You have always made the world a better place for me.
God take good care of her up there.
She spent her life loving you too.

Her faith never waivered.
Where I had doubts she embraced it all.
I wish I could be more like her.
Strong, Independent, Devoted, and Determined is what comes to mind when I try to describe her.
I love her and miss her so much already.
May peace be upon your soul, my beloved MeeMaw.
This little Irene will try her best to make you proud!

Go Ahead and Scream

i have to sleep if i'm going to church.
i have to think even if it hurts.
one little ache echoes throughout my nervous system.
i fall wounded but aware onto my bed where i no longer care.

turn a trick to pay the rent.
it's nothing without love.
i find God in my heart but hate in my thoughts.
there's no more excuses to buy me more time.

dreaming of portals to take me back in time.
undo some mistakes, take some chances i didn't take.
learn if i would still be here and if i'd still cry.
what if i live better in another dimension?
could i swap out the old for the new?
put into circulation an upgrade of me that everyone wants to love.

confusion bends my eyes to see flaws and discrepancies everywhere.
i don't balance my checkbook.
i hate all the fees when i come out red,
it is such a horrible color for me.

space is a vacuum of darkness,
go ahead and scream, no one hears it out there
and down here no one cares.
so take the sharpest thought you got,
stab at the world's toughest problems.
save the poor, feed the pot bellied children,
go and fight a war thousands of years in the making.
the weapons are vastly improved, but the games still dirty.

i can't stay on one subject for too long.
i zig then i zag.
i look at every price tag.
i can't find what it is i'm looking for.
the catalogs and web sites only want me to buy more.

this is unknown territory for me,
but i fearlessly march right into it.
a stick or a bullet can kill.
i fight battles that aren't real.
my spirit is starved from lack of inspirational prose,
so i'll got to bed so i can go to church tomorrow
and find the purpose i lost long ago.

Until I Don't Need You

you leave me unmoved.
i listen to your passionate pleas and i don't feel a damn thing.
i shove you down and kick you for no reason.
your tears make me angry.
your i'm sorry's whip up a cold breeze inside my heart.
if you really loved me you would have stayed.
i don't need anyone.
i don't need you.

the reasons unfold like a plot in a murder mystery i've see a 1,000 times before.
your charms can't heal my broken heart.
there's no do over.
you took until i had nothing left to give.
i'm bankrupt so leave.
you are nothing to me.
i don't need anyone.
i don't need you.

i steal the moments of solitude and collect my thoughts.
i have only 1/2 of me to live off of now.
your betrayal eclipsed my days of happiness.
i'd shoot you dead if i believed it would undo all this misery you brought upon me.
i don't need anyone.
i don't need you.

i need to heal.
i need to cry.
i need to eat.
i need a quick fix to get by.
i need fire.
i need love.
i need feelings.
i need to smile.

you God Damn fucking son of a bitch!

i need to forget.
give me all the booze and bottles of pills you can get.
God help me, i won't quit until i don't need you.
i'll self-medicate.
i'll self-destruct.
i'll burn my fucking self down to the God Damn ground.
i won't stop until i don't need you.

Glory, Money and Applause

i am a fake.
i copy what's around me.
i take in what i hear and throw it up butchered into what i believe to be my own thoughts.
as i listen to a song, i take a line or an idea to twist into my own verse.
i am a sponge.

i want to believe i'm a creative force undiscovered in the literay world.
a diamond waiting to be cut and polished to shine;
then put out for display with a huge markup.
my value assessed.
my artistic prowess confirmed.
but i just reiterate what i myself am unable to create.

i want the glory.
i want the money.
i want the critical beatings and the audience applause.
yet i will never see anything but lawsuits, court rooms, and heads shaking in disappointment.

i made up every word.
true or not, i heard it in my thoughts.
i grabbed it and wrestled it onto paper.
i pat myself on the back for my accomplishment.
but then i read somewhere that what i have has already been done.

i'm in deep into my mental disorder.
i saw him go from poor me to hearts dancing in his eyes.
love sweet love offers me a rest from the daily frustrations of my own life.
but he tells me he's not real.
another figment of my imagination floats away.

i am a fake.
i will never be published, but i will be heard someday.
maybe all this will end up in the dumpster when i die.
after i'm gone there's no guarentee these words will live on.
i am a sponge.

Outbound Train of Thought

i woke up exhausted at 5:55 am today.
i got up and went into the bathroom.
i turned on the light and stared at myself in the mirror.
i looked translucent, like a ghost.

i felt dead, like i'd been ran over by the last train of thought
that left my head when i went to bed.
i was awake, but i felt like i'd just given birth.
i had an odd sensation in my hands.
i have never been a morning person.
my face is too white.
i look old.

if i ever win the lottery i will buy a new face
to match my new fancy place.
i am disgusted by every image of myself that i have ever seen.
i wish i was blind so i'd never have to look at myself again.

i keep telling myself, this is the week i make a change.
this will be the year i overcome my past,
but i keep covering the same old ground.
it's been forever since i felt put together.

this is my earthly home, i need to worry more about my soul.
i feel like God has set this life up like a stop watch.
He starts the clock when we are born innocent,
and only He has the knowledge when the clock will be stopped.
The one who did the most good in the time recorded gets a ticket to Heaven.
I hope He understands i am a slow learner!

i have control issues.
i am the first to admit i hate not being the one making the decisions.
accepting that i can not dictate to God what i want to happen in my life,
leaves me feeling like i'm drowning in a sea of chaos.
i can't breathe.
i feel sorrowful for wanting to veto God's will.

He immediately makes his point when i walk out the door.
the sky opens up and the water pours down on me,
like little reminders of his absolute power over me.
even i know a good rain can wash away all that is unclean.
i wonder if i should build a boat, because it's been raining alot these days!

Indulgence

devotion can't capture how i feel about you
i elevate my heart to heaven
when you call out to me
this feeling spins me around
faster then the speed of light
i'd give up every sin to be your one indulgence

obsession is you dominating my every thought
i create a world just for us
when you say my name
these moments are just the prelude
our symphony will play across the universe
the fat lady will never sing on our love

passion for your every flaw
i know you inside and out
when you breathe i know your next thought
this bond is absolute
our connection runs down to a cellular level
i entwine my very essence with yours

possessions do not matter to us
objects are not what we need to be complete
when we come together we are in sync
the magic we make is a mystery to others
i disappear when you are near
and abracadabra, two become one forever

Backlog of Debt

i miss being young and full of hope
life's highway has taken me to some strange places
they holy ghost closed his eyes and
broke his arms trying to hold me

i thought i could coast through life
leaving nights with a stranger's kiss unscathed
but i forgot that with every promise not kept
you build up a backlog of debt

every day i grew further from the truth
i let thousands of regrets go unchecked
my ocean of nothingness became hard
i began to linger where i wasn't wanted
i was sailing at full speed on low tide
fading away into a lonely existence

my heart is empty now
from the distance i look normal
but the closer you get the less you see
i've scattered too many pieces of my soul
to every hope to be whole

i watch the light go out of the sky
night brings the darkness i know
i am lost in my own thoughts
i am trying to right my course
but my compass spins endlessly

there's no closure to be found
i seek solance for a damaged soul
God doesn't speak to me anymore
i see my scars against the stars
my battle is a bit of dust in a giant's eye

i used to be able to pretend i don't care
but now i feel every stare
i wrap up my thoughts without consequences
the path i take from here is the one i fear
because today i dare to change

Randomness

i have found strength when i thought i had none.
i took a leap of faith when i fell in love with you.
my past stunted my growth,but my future has appeared.

why can't i be brilliant?

i think it is time to get back on the horse.
i need to lasso my imperfections,
put the proverbial horse back in the barn.

i remember what matters.
i have to learn to want what i already have.
perfection and human are contradictions.

all my random thoughts tackle me.
peace has come at last.
i succumb to the darkness within me.
now it is time to sleep.

Embracing the Small Stuff

i'm finding thoughts that linger.
i'm feeling emotions in slow motion.
my eyes are catching every glimmer of hope.
is this how a microbe feels under a microscope?

i'm seeing every subtle shade of color.
my nose is smelling every scent in the air.
i stare at my hand in wonder as it moves like magic.
the world is like a gift i've just opened.
the best of life is in embracing the small stuff.

i've been lackadaisical in how i live.
i close my eyes and let my ears rediscover
every little sound my home utters.
the sound of a furnace running in May.
the music's melodic twists and turns.
the birds that sing and flutter around confused.
i am embracing every little noise like it's the first time i've ever heard it.

the nuances jump out at me today.
life is a delicate balance
wrapped up in a complicated yet perfect web.
i had feared myself lost to sorrow's kiss,
now i'm reborn with a joyous attitude.

the worry is gone and i feel strong.
doubt tries to insert itself but i resist it.
even if this epiphany is brief,
it's been the freshest breath of air i've ever breathed.
it has brought me tranquility.

i don't know where i'll be in five years,
and for once i don't care about it.
i have found a moment of complete calm
and i'm going to wallow in it,
happier then a pig in mud!

Two of Me

simple, sweet, soft, and sure
memory, magic, madness, and mayhem
one minute i'm euphoric,
the highest of the high isn't high enough.
then i crash, fast and hard,
and for days i'm lower then the lowest low.
that's how my mood swings go.

i feel detached from my own mind,
like there's two of me inside.
one being is purely emotiona,l highly combustable like rocket fuel,
and the other calm, cold, and completly logical.
i never know who i'll be each day.
i'm fighting my own internal civil war every day.

quiet, quixotic, quick and quirky
reflective, reduced, remonstrative, and ruined
one minute i feel as if i've lived one day too long.
the seconds pass so slowly i can feel my body aging.
i can't bare to feel anything then i drift off to sleep,
and i awake invigorated and frenzied,
like i need to do a million things at once.

i feel unrelated to the ones around me,
like i was switched at birth.
i think i have a twin out in the world.
she's the evil twin and i'm the good twin
or am i the evil twin, my mind spins!
my thoughts spiral outward from myself,
then they bum rush me all at once.
i shut down from the overload of my senses.
i feel out numbered and surrounded!

calm, curious, confused and cornered
plans, phobias, pain and problems
one minute i am full speed ahead,
whipping out decisions at the speed of recklessness.
the next day i'm full of regrets.
i'm racked with guilt over missteps.
i want to turn back the clock and take it all back.
my whole life is a giant do over!

it's halloween every day.
i only change my mask.
i go from good witch to wicked witch in ten seconds flat.
i'm the evil villian then a super hero.
i'm a demon then an angel.
i don't know which one i want to be the most.
the days where i'm like everybody else,
or the days where i'm eating lunch by myself?
i wish there was an instruction manual on me,
or at least an off button to set me free.

acceptance, assumptions, answers, and avoidance
frustration, fearful, forgotten and foreshadowed
this is how i feel.
this is how i think.
this is real.
this is me
and i am bipolar!

Edge of Thought

i think it is time to stop the lie.
i have you on the edge of my thoughts.
i want to push you off and move forward.
but my heart keeps you coming around.
i can't kill your memory and i want to think,
but all i do is feel.

and if i'm feeling then i'm not thinking.
i'm not being who i want, when your image
holds me down. i want to push you out of my mind.
but you stay on the edge, the edge of every thought,
is your lips on mine. i can't keep living like this.

it is time to toss you out.
rip up the pictures along with my soul.
scatter the pieces of happy along the road,
burning my love down until the embers don't glow.
i can't escape the bad and i can't remember the good.
so all i do is feel sad.

and if i'm feeling then i'm not thinking.
i'm not free to be with someone else,
if you are walking around my head.
your words keeping popping up and
i want to shove you off the ledge, but
you linger on along the edge of my thoughts.

i don't deserve the wounds you gave me.
i keep picking at the scabs,
opening them up again and again.
the blood won't wash from my hands.
the damage is unending, the thoughts won't leave me.
you took what you could carry,
including all that was good in me.
i loved you so hard i emptied my heart out.
why can't i kill these feelings for you?

and if i'm feeling then i'm not thinking.
no, i'm not thinking clearly.
i'm trapped by you and no matter how much
i suppress you, you stay right there on
the edge of my every thought.
it's almost enough to make me jump.

The Power of Thought

i think i'm beautiful then i am beautiful. i think i'm smart then i am smart, i think i'm confident then i am confident. i think positively then i am positive. it worked for miss piggy, moi, hi-ya! that tony robbins made a fortune with his can do attitude. so why not me? i can do it too.

"SHUT UP U F*CKING TREKKIE RESISTANCE IS FUTILE"

u are stupid. u are fat. u are lazy. u r negative. u r negative. that's what u r. that's who i am. i can't untangle the darkness strangling my brain to death. my thoughts spiral downward into depression's familiar kiss. can God save me from my own abyss?

"SHUT UP U WHORE. U R NO ONE. U R NOTHING. STOP UR BITCHING. I'M F*CKING SICK OF IT."

these thoughts won't leave, damn these dark thoughts.

these thoughts won't leave, damn these dark thoughts.

cut open my head, pull out my brain, clean it with bleach until it's pristine, then i'll be free.

i'll be dead, but baby, that's better then being who i am.

Thought Four

The day is dark and dreary.
The rain comes down icy cold.
I feel so at home on days like this.
It's like my mind is a canvas and it's painted the world with a reflection of itself.
I want to wrap my arms around me and pretend I don't like the cold.
But I know I embrace it.
My eyes are twitching and itching to cry, but I still hold the tears back.
I see crying as surrendering to reality.
I am not ready to give up on me.
Someday, somewhere out there, there's got to be someone who will love me.

Thought Three

I am adrift in a black hole of confusion.
I can't see a way out.
I am being smothered by life's nothingness.
I look at myself in the mirror.
I don't know myself anymore.
What's wrong with me?
I keep tripping myself.
I believe God has abandoned me or
Did I abandon him?
I don't have hope.
I can't feel.
Numb.