my heart is beating slower then i'm breathing.
i don't know what i'm needing to fix my plight.
i'm full of dismay. i'm tripping over ghosts.
all i have left is heartache and hope.
my condition feels me with loneliness in a crowded room.
i want to run away to try to outrun my pain.
i'm burning down my own disease. i'm falling into it.
hope comes and goes but my heartache never moves.
my standard's slip and he got through those cracks.
i shouldn't complain because he didn't stick around to finish the kill.
i'm regretting letting myself believe love exists. faith can't assist.
heartache and hope aren't enough to keep me strong.
my weakness overtakes my sensibilities.
i'm a special kind of fool wrapped up in past discretions.
i would love to taste freedom. everywhere i am is a prison.
heartaches are here for the long haul and i hope i'm able to handle it all!
my environment surrounds me with examples of kindness.
i think i can but i know i won't ever love again.
i'm a closet dreamer who is desperate to believe. i'm too scared to unlock the door.
hope isn't in control; only the heartache knows me.
my disaster destroyed me down to my core.
i don't want to be here anymore.
i'm ready to forgive him but i'll never forgive myself.
is there ever enough hope when the heartache never ends?
Showing posts with label ghost. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ghost. Show all posts
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
Crush
i have a new crush, hush!
it's a secret i keep close to my heart.
i've been bum rushed with lust!
it's time to dust off my heart and attempt to love again.
the scars run deep into my soul.
the feelings are growing but i hold back.
i hesitate to make initial contact.
rejection could crush my fragile feelings.
i don't know how many beats my poor heart has left.
time is short but heartbreak's sting is still too fresh.
i'm missing the nerve to take this chance!
i work hard to avoid the opposite sex but they're everywhere.
he is someone i always thought was cute but he had a ring where it can get me hurt,
but now i notice the ring is gone!
i don't know what happened or if he's still haunted by a divorce's ghost.
do i ask or just stare some more?
my past still shadow's my every step.
i can't go all in anymore.
these memories hurt less everyday but i'm a long way from healed.
loneliness is still a preferred state of being at this point.
i've become allergic to pain.
i cough and nearly choke to death at the thought of falling in love!
these times are tough and i have to survive.
i can't trust my heart or believe my ears.
lies are so easily disguised as hope.
truth hurts worse when told to you by someone else.
i can't deny this crush, but i can fight against it!
it won't overtake me!
this time i walk away before it ever starts.
it's a secret i keep close to my heart.
i've been bum rushed with lust!
it's time to dust off my heart and attempt to love again.
the scars run deep into my soul.
the feelings are growing but i hold back.
i hesitate to make initial contact.
rejection could crush my fragile feelings.
i don't know how many beats my poor heart has left.
time is short but heartbreak's sting is still too fresh.
i'm missing the nerve to take this chance!
i work hard to avoid the opposite sex but they're everywhere.
he is someone i always thought was cute but he had a ring where it can get me hurt,
but now i notice the ring is gone!
i don't know what happened or if he's still haunted by a divorce's ghost.
do i ask or just stare some more?
my past still shadow's my every step.
i can't go all in anymore.
these memories hurt less everyday but i'm a long way from healed.
loneliness is still a preferred state of being at this point.
i've become allergic to pain.
i cough and nearly choke to death at the thought of falling in love!
these times are tough and i have to survive.
i can't trust my heart or believe my ears.
lies are so easily disguised as hope.
truth hurts worse when told to you by someone else.
i can't deny this crush, but i can fight against it!
it won't overtake me!
this time i walk away before it ever starts.
Monday, September 19, 2011
The Calm of Dying
i have to uncover my own voice.
i found my intentions, but i'm scared to tell you.
fear nails my mouth shut.
i'm not able to do this by myself,
but if you aren't in on this, it makes trying pointless.
september is a peaceful month,
full of the calm of dying.
nature gives up the ghost
and the leaves give one last show.
then they all fall down, dead, onto the ground.
i wish i had death's patience.
death never rushes, but waits calmly.
it knows we all have to die some day,
but i need to focus on living,
while i'm able to do what needs to be done.
i have to take my newly discovered ambitions
all the way to the end this time.
there's something i've wanted for a long time.
i never thought i deserved to have anymore.
now i'm sure my job isn't done.
i'm scared but excited too.
i'm giving myself a deadline.
you have to have a goal to achieve anything.
i might end up disappointed
or in a huge messy situation,
but i am ready to take this step.
it is better to ask for forgiveness then permission!
i found my intentions, but i'm scared to tell you.
fear nails my mouth shut.
i'm not able to do this by myself,
but if you aren't in on this, it makes trying pointless.
september is a peaceful month,
full of the calm of dying.
nature gives up the ghost
and the leaves give one last show.
then they all fall down, dead, onto the ground.
i wish i had death's patience.
death never rushes, but waits calmly.
it knows we all have to die some day,
but i need to focus on living,
while i'm able to do what needs to be done.
i have to take my newly discovered ambitions
all the way to the end this time.
there's something i've wanted for a long time.
i never thought i deserved to have anymore.
now i'm sure my job isn't done.
i'm scared but excited too.
i'm giving myself a deadline.
you have to have a goal to achieve anything.
i might end up disappointed
or in a huge messy situation,
but i am ready to take this step.
it is better to ask for forgiveness then permission!
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Long Long Road
if our paths were to cross, if you were to stumble and fall, my name might be called upon to help you up.
what would i say? would i turn away?
say to you that's the price you pay when you play with a person's heart.
or will i confess? stand up and be a woman that can forgive,
even though i will never forget what you did.
could i wish you the best and be there for you like a friend?
i don't know when, but some day we'll meet again on this long long road.
you'll always be at the back of my mind.
not a pleasant memory, but you are someone i will never forget.
you crop up in my dreams.
when i'm sad your laughter echos around my heart.
you tore my innocence apart.
i don't know where you are.
i don't know who you are with.
i wonder if a woman will ever make you cry.
i'm hoping someday you get what you deserve as you go down this long long road.
time flies by, a neutral party to all life's events.
if by chance, i ever see you again, will i be able to smile?
would i say hi? could i set the past aside and let the bad you did fade from my mind?
stand up and be a woman that can forgive, wish you the best,
pass this test! maybe someday on this long long road we'll meet again.
only fate knows if our paths will cross again. will i recognize you?
will you even remember me? was i just one more girl to meet your biological needs?
will i cry? life is full of twists and turns, you never know how you'll react to a ghost from the past.
there are so many beginnings on this long long road that have no endings.
we'll see, maybe someday, on this long long road i will find out if time really does heal all wounds!
what would i say? would i turn away?
say to you that's the price you pay when you play with a person's heart.
or will i confess? stand up and be a woman that can forgive,
even though i will never forget what you did.
could i wish you the best and be there for you like a friend?
i don't know when, but some day we'll meet again on this long long road.
you'll always be at the back of my mind.
not a pleasant memory, but you are someone i will never forget.
you crop up in my dreams.
when i'm sad your laughter echos around my heart.
you tore my innocence apart.
i don't know where you are.
i don't know who you are with.
i wonder if a woman will ever make you cry.
i'm hoping someday you get what you deserve as you go down this long long road.
time flies by, a neutral party to all life's events.
if by chance, i ever see you again, will i be able to smile?
would i say hi? could i set the past aside and let the bad you did fade from my mind?
stand up and be a woman that can forgive, wish you the best,
pass this test! maybe someday on this long long road we'll meet again.
only fate knows if our paths will cross again. will i recognize you?
will you even remember me? was i just one more girl to meet your biological needs?
will i cry? life is full of twists and turns, you never know how you'll react to a ghost from the past.
there are so many beginnings on this long long road that have no endings.
we'll see, maybe someday, on this long long road i will find out if time really does heal all wounds!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Outbound Train of Thought
i woke up exhausted at 5:55 am today.
i got up and went into the bathroom.
i turned on the light and stared at myself in the mirror.
i looked translucent, like a ghost.
i felt dead, like i'd been ran over by the last train of thought
that left my head when i went to bed.
i was awake, but i felt like i'd just given birth.
i had an odd sensation in my hands.
i have never been a morning person.
my face is too white.
i look old.
if i ever win the lottery i will buy a new face
to match my new fancy place.
i am disgusted by every image of myself that i have ever seen.
i wish i was blind so i'd never have to look at myself again.
i keep telling myself, this is the week i make a change.
this will be the year i overcome my past,
but i keep covering the same old ground.
it's been forever since i felt put together.
this is my earthly home, i need to worry more about my soul.
i feel like God has set this life up like a stop watch.
He starts the clock when we are born innocent,
and only He has the knowledge when the clock will be stopped.
The one who did the most good in the time recorded gets a ticket to Heaven.
I hope He understands i am a slow learner!
i have control issues.
i am the first to admit i hate not being the one making the decisions.
accepting that i can not dictate to God what i want to happen in my life,
leaves me feeling like i'm drowning in a sea of chaos.
i can't breathe.
i feel sorrowful for wanting to veto God's will.
He immediately makes his point when i walk out the door.
the sky opens up and the water pours down on me,
like little reminders of his absolute power over me.
even i know a good rain can wash away all that is unclean.
i wonder if i should build a boat, because it's been raining alot these days!
i got up and went into the bathroom.
i turned on the light and stared at myself in the mirror.
i looked translucent, like a ghost.
i felt dead, like i'd been ran over by the last train of thought
that left my head when i went to bed.
i was awake, but i felt like i'd just given birth.
i had an odd sensation in my hands.
i have never been a morning person.
my face is too white.
i look old.
if i ever win the lottery i will buy a new face
to match my new fancy place.
i am disgusted by every image of myself that i have ever seen.
i wish i was blind so i'd never have to look at myself again.
i keep telling myself, this is the week i make a change.
this will be the year i overcome my past,
but i keep covering the same old ground.
it's been forever since i felt put together.
this is my earthly home, i need to worry more about my soul.
i feel like God has set this life up like a stop watch.
He starts the clock when we are born innocent,
and only He has the knowledge when the clock will be stopped.
The one who did the most good in the time recorded gets a ticket to Heaven.
I hope He understands i am a slow learner!
i have control issues.
i am the first to admit i hate not being the one making the decisions.
accepting that i can not dictate to God what i want to happen in my life,
leaves me feeling like i'm drowning in a sea of chaos.
i can't breathe.
i feel sorrowful for wanting to veto God's will.
He immediately makes his point when i walk out the door.
the sky opens up and the water pours down on me,
like little reminders of his absolute power over me.
even i know a good rain can wash away all that is unclean.
i wonder if i should build a boat, because it's been raining alot these days!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Chasing Ghosts
my depression is absolute. i see ghosts all around. the ghost of who i was. the ghost of who i thought i'd be. the ghosts of those i love who are no longer with me. i'm haunted all the way to my soul. these so called cures aren't worth the side effects. i thought myself to doom. i believed i would be immune. my ignorance rushed me and i finally saw i'm already dead.
there is a distortion in the sounds surrounding me. i'm always off key. i want the resurrection promised on the death of a savior lost. i repent for all my sins; it doesn't matter if i was caught. they're here punishing me in my head. i want freedom from my flesh. i need will power to walk away, to do what's best. the road is clear; i fell through the potholes. i see what i fear and what i need the most are one and the same. love keeps me chasing my ghosts.
i demand to know who made the rules. i suffer at the end of my rainbow there's no treasure waiting. where is my perfect match. the yin to my yang. the precious inspiration on every cheesy poster, t-shirt, and self help book has crucified my heart. i'm being taunted by every hand holding, smiling, laughing happy couple i see and those damn ghosts won't let me forget when that used to be me. but i thought there was better, something more in someone else, but it was a fruitless search. when you're dead there is no happy ending.
there is a distortion in the sounds surrounding me. i'm always off key. i want the resurrection promised on the death of a savior lost. i repent for all my sins; it doesn't matter if i was caught. they're here punishing me in my head. i want freedom from my flesh. i need will power to walk away, to do what's best. the road is clear; i fell through the potholes. i see what i fear and what i need the most are one and the same. love keeps me chasing my ghosts.
i demand to know who made the rules. i suffer at the end of my rainbow there's no treasure waiting. where is my perfect match. the yin to my yang. the precious inspiration on every cheesy poster, t-shirt, and self help book has crucified my heart. i'm being taunted by every hand holding, smiling, laughing happy couple i see and those damn ghosts won't let me forget when that used to be me. but i thought there was better, something more in someone else, but it was a fruitless search. when you're dead there is no happy ending.
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