Justice

fear, it lives, it breathes, it wraps itsefl arond me.
i strangle. i choke. i suffocate.
i am a sentient being.

doubt, it thrives, it grows, it divides me in two.
i sink. i struggle. i drown.
i am a creature of God's design.

my heart is in the hands of the Holy Ghost.
i tend to my wandering soul.
my path of pleasure led me straight to pain.
my integrity sold at a bargain basement price.
i relied on my own judgements to live.
i built my own personalized Hell one sin at a time.
i felt my rebellion just, but justice never came.

mercy, it exists, it fulfills, it gives of itself freely.
i beg. i receive. i give.
i am a candle of the Lord.

love, it binds, it cures, it takes away all the hurt.
i want. i need. i have.
i am a child of God.

my heart has been cleansed by God's command.
i aligned myself with His commandments.
my life begins where my sins died.
i can no longer seperate myself from Him.
this new life feels strange to me,
but my thoughts are pure and strong.
i abandoned my revolt and justce finally came.

Outbound Train of Thought

i woke up exhausted at 5:55 am today.
i got up and went into the bathroom.
i turned on the light and stared at myself in the mirror.
i looked translucent, like a ghost.

i felt dead, like i'd been ran over by the last train of thought
that left my head when i went to bed.
i was awake, but i felt like i'd just given birth.
i had an odd sensation in my hands.
i have never been a morning person.
my face is too white.
i look old.

if i ever win the lottery i will buy a new face
to match my new fancy place.
i am disgusted by every image of myself that i have ever seen.
i wish i was blind so i'd never have to look at myself again.

i keep telling myself, this is the week i make a change.
this will be the year i overcome my past,
but i keep covering the same old ground.
it's been forever since i felt put together.

this is my earthly home, i need to worry more about my soul.
i feel like God has set this life up like a stop watch.
He starts the clock when we are born innocent,
and only He has the knowledge when the clock will be stopped.
The one who did the most good in the time recorded gets a ticket to Heaven.
I hope He understands i am a slow learner!

i have control issues.
i am the first to admit i hate not being the one making the decisions.
accepting that i can not dictate to God what i want to happen in my life,
leaves me feeling like i'm drowning in a sea of chaos.
i can't breathe.
i feel sorrowful for wanting to veto God's will.

He immediately makes his point when i walk out the door.
the sky opens up and the water pours down on me,
like little reminders of his absolute power over me.
even i know a good rain can wash away all that is unclean.
i wonder if i should build a boat, because it's been raining alot these days!

StereoTypes

i'm getting so tired of this merry go round i'm on.
i can't sleep more then 2 hours at a time.
i crave what is forbidden.
you're best to be far away from me right now.
i play the scene in my brain.
the truth is revealed and you leave me.
i've seen it a 1,000 times before,
but it's the memory that replays when i think of you.

am i the one you want to get rid of?
i've tried to purge your from me.
i've cleansed myself 100's of times,
but the toxicity of your memories remains.
you are the one i want to get rid of,
but i don't know how to.

i'm getting worn out from chasing your ghosts.
the shadows cling to all that's unhealthy.
i am focused concavely.
distances are distorted, but not out of sight.
i cry all over again.
this wasn't the ending i wanted.
i'm barren physically and emotionally.
you drew your conclusions,
and i'm the one that had to buck your stereotypes.