Console Myself

cramps, blood, pain, misery; all has befallen me.
failure, disappointment, fear, doubt; all are present here with me.
there's been a total eclipse of my soul.
crashing waves of angry thoughts beat me down.
thrashing words whip me from out of your mouth.
my savior flies south while i walk north.
there's only an echo to keep me company now!

a solemn mood has settled over me.
my emotions hesitate to be.
every color bleeds.
notice the little wrinkles on my forehead.
i'm rotting away.
my flesh dries out.
every breath is death.

despair, loneliness, sadness, madness; all perch upon my shoulders.
aches, spasms, depression, exhaustion; all kick me when i'm down.
there's a hostile take over going on in my heart.
hurling accusations hit me hard.
whirling clouds of confusion take my breath away.
my hopes took the last bus out of town.
there's only me to console myself now!

I Don't Want to Hate You

i got hope growing inside of me.
peace and happiness are taking root.
i'm building my own ark to save me from my old tears.
i don't want to hate you.

i'm finding someone new.
he's going to be better for me then you.
goodbye's hurt, but new beginnings are sweet.

i look out into the darkness.
i dismiss my fears.
there's no time to wallow in my tears.
i treasure every memory we made, but i need new ones to keep my heart fed.
i don't want to fear you.

my mind rolls along passed the thunder clouds you made.
the sun is finally shining down on me.
life isn't as complicated as you want it to be.

i dream of days free from worry.
i'm exhausted from all the sleepless nights.
i know i tried everything, but nothing ever satisfied you.
i'll miss your smile the most.
i don't want to forget you.

there's no stranger knocking on my door.
i have a life to live.
i can't waste anymore time on you.

Overworked!

my mind is racing.
my heart is chasing shadows again.
i search for meaning behind the words i am reading,
but i am lost.

i am spending too many hours working for my paycheck
and not enough towards saving my soul.
my 5th straight week with nearly 60 hours worked.
i've forgotten where work ends and my life is supposed to begin.

there's no relief in sight for this overtime
and the worst part is i'm salary.
so the more i work, the more my hourly rate drops.

i'm so tired.
last night i even worked in my sleep.
i don't know how much longer i can keep this pace.
my butt and lower back have constant cramps.

i work at work.
i work at home.
i even answer emails when i'm on the road.

i'm burning this tight rope from both ends.
i have no safety net to break my fall.
i've use the past 20 minutes to walk around and stretch.
the day started at 6am and it shows no sign of ending.

this is just the beginning.
the busy season begins in september.
i have until the end of august to get all my systems in a row.
then we dig into our backlog of work.
my vacation will be working ones.

this has to be why 1 out of 4 americans are depressed.
i'm overworked and stressed.
i have sharp pains in my chest.
i'm thankful for the job, but work knows it.
it's still hard to find work.

the economy is not as recovered as dc hoped.
so i think i will find a way to cope.
most of my coping skills are destructive.
i need to learn some new tricks.

my 20 minutes are up.
it's back to the keyboard.
bck to work.
am i wicked?
cuz i hear there's no rest for the wicked!

Waste of a Day

i feel the energy drain from my body.
i woke up exhausted,
like i ran a marathon in my sleep.
i'm not sure what it means, but today is hard on me.
i'm sitting quietly in my assigned seat.
ipod plugged into my ears.
i zone out and pray 5pm comes quickly.
my brain is parked in neurtral for the day.

i don't want to move a single inch,
but the candy is at the end of the hall.
chocolate sounds really good to me right now.
i weigh the pro's and con's of getting up.
i decide to stay put unitl after lunch.
i know i'm not the only one to have a day like today.

my internal monologue continues unabated.
i lose myself in nonsensical thoughts.
i dart and skip from one fantasy to another.
work tries to pull me away but i resist.
i know i'm expected to give 100%,
but the 10% i have today barely runs me.
i can't even remember how to transfer a call!

i think it's safe to say this is a waste of a day.
so i pull completely into my shell.
close my eyes and drift off into hell.
tomorrow i can try again to be better,
but today i'm just not going to win.
i take some pills for the pain.
i say a prayer and call it a day!

Outbound Train of Thought

i woke up exhausted at 5:55 am today.
i got up and went into the bathroom.
i turned on the light and stared at myself in the mirror.
i looked translucent, like a ghost.

i felt dead, like i'd been ran over by the last train of thought
that left my head when i went to bed.
i was awake, but i felt like i'd just given birth.
i had an odd sensation in my hands.
i have never been a morning person.
my face is too white.
i look old.

if i ever win the lottery i will buy a new face
to match my new fancy place.
i am disgusted by every image of myself that i have ever seen.
i wish i was blind so i'd never have to look at myself again.

i keep telling myself, this is the week i make a change.
this will be the year i overcome my past,
but i keep covering the same old ground.
it's been forever since i felt put together.

this is my earthly home, i need to worry more about my soul.
i feel like God has set this life up like a stop watch.
He starts the clock when we are born innocent,
and only He has the knowledge when the clock will be stopped.
The one who did the most good in the time recorded gets a ticket to Heaven.
I hope He understands i am a slow learner!

i have control issues.
i am the first to admit i hate not being the one making the decisions.
accepting that i can not dictate to God what i want to happen in my life,
leaves me feeling like i'm drowning in a sea of chaos.
i can't breathe.
i feel sorrowful for wanting to veto God's will.

He immediately makes his point when i walk out the door.
the sky opens up and the water pours down on me,
like little reminders of his absolute power over me.
even i know a good rain can wash away all that is unclean.
i wonder if i should build a boat, because it's been raining alot these days!