Dare To Be Myself

i feel heavy, like i've been sedated.
the lime green fleece blanket wrapped around me is the only warmth i feel.
he's not what i need, but he's what i want.
i'm cursed with a restless heart and a high sex drive.
even if i get to keep him, i will leave him.
my soul is scheduled for a thorough cleaning, but i keep cancelling.
i'm not ready to be righteous.
my questions keep tackling me within one yard of the goal line.

comfort and comfortable is all i seek and need.
there's an excitement to playing with matches.
you hope one catches you on fire, but you cry when it does,
because the burns hurt and the scars are ugly.
this is my typical pattern of behavior, it leads me to these dark places.
if i could see past my emotions i'd have room to breath.
everyone is annoying me.

all i do is wait.
i'm waiting for a call.
i'm waiting for an email.
i'm waiting for a text.
i'm waiting for a test result.
my life is on pause.

if you promise to catch me, i promise to let go and fall.
i don't know where i belong.
nothing has ever fit me.
God gave me so many people who love me, but he never gave me the gift to love them back.
there's something broken in me.
i can't keep pretending it'll all be okay.

i say all seven of his sacred names, but the prayer brings no relief of my pain.
these ups and downs are making me dizzy.
when will i settle into something real.
my illusions cushion me from what is cruel.
i want to dare to be different, but i am different.
so i just need the courage to dare to be myself!

An Empty Tank

a thursday afternoon will never be as good as a saturday one,
just like i'll never be the right one.
the fate's have been funny and cruel to me.
i fall in love and it falls through.
he moves on and his next love sticks,
while i get older and lonlier by the minute.

my cup always needs refilled.
i'm never half of anything.
i'm all or nothing all the time,
but no matter how many times i falter,
i go on to the next one with hopeful optimism.

i'm the girl no one remembers.
i sail through life riding every little wave like it's my last.
but i sink fast and no one rewards me.
if i could unlock my full potential, i'd be a saint,
but i'll never get anywhere,
because i'm always running on an empty tank.

Almost Right

it was almost right.
we had a shot,
but you shut us down.
you're the man i wanted,
but i'm not the woman you needed.

it's not right,
and it's not fair.
why can't i be the one you hold onto tight?
i'd love you for the rest of my life.

it was almost right.
i saw through your flaws
to a man i could love forever.
i don't know what to do.
you made your decision with cruel precision.

it's not good,
and it's not fun.
breaking hearts and crushing spirits on the run.
why couldn't i be the one you kiss goodnight?
i miss all your oddities.

it was almost right.
we almost belonged,
but now you've gone.
and i'm almost done crying.