Bad Bug

that's a bad bug, leave it alone, it's a bad bug!
it'll sting you until you're numb;
until your throat swells shut,
and you think you're going to die, it's a bad bad bug!

that's a bad bug, let it go on, it's a bad bug!
it turns your insides out;
leaves you weak and shaking on the floor,
and you pray to die, it's a bad bad bug!

i'm sitting in the spring sunshine fighting an urge to cry.
my stomach rolls like a thunder storm.
my ribs ache from all the sickness i've expunged.
i prayed for mercy then i begged for death!

that's a bad bug, take it far away, it's a bad bug!
it overcomes you and takes control;
you aren't you anymore,
and you become just a ball of disease trying to breathe, it's a bad bad bug!

that's a bad bug, wash down all the pills to kill it, it's a bad bug.
the pain comes crashing in waves of vomit and tears;
both ends explode into misery,
and i'm chained to the bathroom like a slave to its master, it's a bad bad bug!

there's not freedom in the pink you drink.
every second i think death has arrived.
if this is living then death can't be that bad.
i prayed to find a chemical to release me from this nightmare.

that's a bad bug, it crawls inside of you and eats you alive, it's a bad bug.
it's tearing me apart one retch at a time;
i'm huddled in the corner knowing i'm going to die,
and all i feel is relief, it's a bad bad bug!

Sickness and I

sickness and i are the oldest of friends.
i remember cold novembers' wracked with coughs and sweating from a fever's heat.
you'd think i'd be used to the familiar touch of disease but i forget.
the older i get the harder it gets to get over its affects.

bronchitis, sinus, flu, colds, allergies, and pneumonia revolve and evolve through me,
into me, around me, until i begin to wonder if death's the only hope i have left.
i try new doctors, new pills, new cure alls, but all i find is the same misery that leaves me dead inside.

the error is in my dna. my bad code has made me this way.
why bother to try when i'm doomed.
i dance around the truth holding one ailment close at a time.
miracles and prayers aren't here to be found, if Jesus saves he doesn't save me.

God used to speak to me when i was young.
i'd lay on a couch in the dark saying my childish prayers and crossing my heart.
my mother tucked me in too tight to move.
all the doctors told her i'd outgrow it all one day,
but after 40 years i grow doubtful that day will every come.

every time i leave the house new germs hitch a ride home with me.
sickness never leaves me alone.
i can count on it to visit when it pleases.
i'm well enough to forget how much it hurt, so it reminds me again how it rules me.
i should burn myself and all i own, but i'm sure the sickness would return.

yes, sickness and i are the oldest of friends!

Migraine

i am locked into a battle with my own head.
the pain hides beneath my skull.
it pounds with no mercy.
my eyes close to shut out the light.
i pray for God to help me with this fight.

i wake up hot and sweaty.
the scent of illness lingers on my flesh.
my fever burns me from the inside out.
i worry about the day.
how am i to function this way?

i take a cold shower to lower my body heat.
i think i see steam coming off of my body.
i take the recommended medications.
i hope they are able to kill the monster inside my brain.
my skin is hot to the touch.
i curl up on my couch and cry.

i fall into a deep drug induced sleep.
my dreams are hazy, disturbed and brief.
i awake to the sound of a horn.
the dog licks the salt from the tracks of my tears.
i slept 2 hours, but the migraine still rages.
the migraine is winning this war.

it takes all the strength i have to get up.
i stumble to the kitchen sink to drink some water.
the day's are longer when the pain is stronger.
i am overwhelmed from this battle.

i manage to get up the stairs
and collapse into my bed.
i lie there staring up at the ceiling,
while the migraine strangles my thoughts.

i close my eyes and try to focus.
i utter one sentence,
God please help me!
finally, i drift off into the solace of sleep.

it's 2 am now.
i have awoken feeling better.
i take another cold shower.
the fever is gone,
but the migraine desperately hangs on.

the pain is now dull.
it is a welcomed change.
i thank God for the relief.
i can see the light at the end of this excruciating tunnel.

i smile a little bit.
my migraines and i have a long history.
it's not my friend, but a bitter enemy.
one day i had hoped they'd disappear,
but now i know the migraines will come and go as they please.

i will enjoy the peace in between these battles.

Gluttony

i am sick from my own gluttony.
unable to control my urges,
i stuff my face complusively.
hating myself with every bite i chew.
the revolution comes undone,
by my own mouth, i am hung.

sickened physically from my heavy fat.
imprisoned by my lack of control.
this won't be the last time i quit.
not even one month into it.
i wish i could say i'm surprised,
but that would just be another lie.

do i pull the plug completely?
or do i suck it up and try again?
i think i can one minute,
then i see a cheeseburger ad
and think i can't.
i'm a slave to my desires,
but i'm never satisfied.

gluttony sweeps me up in it's sweet tastes.
i'm always alone but never free.
i've fallen victim to artificial needs.
if only i could quit food,
but i love to eat.
and i'm starting to think i love it more then breathing.
what's a fat girl to do,
when even writing about food makes her hunger?

Bolder

Fear sits on the back of my mind.
What linger's unknown in my near future unsettles me?
I feel bolder, like it's time to buck my terrors.
If now is all I have then I have no reason not to try.
And I am taking risks and rocking boats.
I'm jumping off cliffs and shaking off doubts.
This possibility of death's sudden kiss has me breaking free
from the fears that had chained me to how i thought it had to be.

I am laying it all out on the line.
I'm not holding back anything this time.
I am being bold and brave.
I am telling you I love you and not trying to save face.
There's no time left on the clock to hedge my bets.
If tomorrow doesn't come I want to know I said all I had to say today.

I do love you.
I do want you.
I want you here with me every day.
You say not to push.
If pushed you go in the opposite direction.
But you don't realize I have a new understanding of my life.
If I want something I need to try and make it mine.

I am bolder.
I am braver.
I am standing up for myself.
I don't know yet if I have a brain tumor,
but just the thought of it makes me throw caution to the wind.

If I'm going to die I want to know I lived.
I wish this had happened years ago.
I've spent too long wasting away in mothballs.
Fear has controlled me for far too long.
I am bolder now.

Lost to Me

i'm under constant surveillance.
that's not my paranoia speaking.
my sub-conscience is under duress.
it's so silent and peaceful
here in the darkness.

everything is out of control.
i make on list after another,
trying to put order to the chaos.
i'll never forget,
but i'm working on forgiveness.

i've been asking my mind to show
my heart some mercy.
i fear a mysterious death at the hands
of an unknown foe.
and all that'll be left behind by me,
will not be worth remembering.

my introspection came up empty.
my conscious unable to fill the smallest measuring cup.
my past is a compilation of confabulations
with nothing real to cling to
i fall further into dispair.

i'd build a mountain to climb
to prove i'm still alive, but
every night i put my dreams on rewind.
i disconnect from the disappointment of my reality.
i indulge in the delusion of happiness in my dreams.

my sickness masks my creator.
i have my own will and cannot submit to another.
i'm inauthentic in my thoughts,
arranging them to expedite my trip
through this finite and painful existence.
i fret my psychosis is all in my head.

the words won't come to me anymore.
i search the corners of my soul
for the inspiration i once knew,
but all is gone, lost to the holes
in my brain, lost to time, lost to me.

Pressure

I wake up from the agony
The constant vice of pain
Wrapped around my brain
It's cold outside
And I can't explain
Why today the pressure
Is shattering my skull.

I pop the pills
In an attempt to relieve
The misery that's overcome me.
Three different kinds of rememdy
And no relief.
My eyes are swollen
My gums are bloody
The pressure destroys my
thoughts until there are none.

I feel the inside of my ears
The drums being beaten
The cavities being filled
A valentine's day gift
I'd like to return.
I want to escape
Go back to a day where there's sun.
Before I had succumbed
to all this sinus pressure.

Sickie

I watch the blood I just spit into my bathroom sink swirl around and then go down the drain.
I struggle to breathe through my blocked nasal passages.
My image in the mirror is blurry though my watering eyes.
I try to focus on my hair and my eyes burn.

I make it to work 15 minutes late.
I'm coughing and my co-workers gripe "Sickie's here"
I suck on my cough drop while the office quietly spins.
I can't wait until tomorrow when I work from home in my pajamas.

It's not even 9am and I feel exhausted.
My chest hurts and my shoulders ache.
When the hell did it get so bright in here?
Can I sleep sitting up in this chair?
The work is written in Greek today.
I might as well forfeit and drive home to crash under my covers.

Next week is vacation.
I can stick it out.
I can make it.
I'm down to one eye open with a marching band playing in my head.
It's no swine flu but it'll do, that'll do.
Another swig of Dt. Dr. Pepper, ti's cold liquid soothes my scratchy throat.
At 11 my greatest joy will be swallowing 2 more cold tablets.

Delay my Day

Press the snooze again.
I try to delay the start of the day.
My dreams are too sweet to leave.
If I could only sleep my life away then I wouldn’t have to face that it sucks to be me.

I’m so sick of the rat race.
I’m losing myself to this place where I don’t know from day to day if I can pay all the bills and feed my kid.
My life has hit the skids.
It sucks to be me.
I’ll say it again, it sucks to be me.

I have no luck.
I trip and stumble over everything all the time.
My charms do so much harm that they’d set off a fire alarm.
It really does suck to be me.

An Ode to Sinus Valley

the tide is washing away my energy. i am falling behind the curve. speeding up time cannot make me move any faster. it's a weekday, another day like every other. it's not me it's you.

pollen is drifting and shifting around me; i'm enveloped in allergies and sinus pain. the sun feeds my enemies and the rain kisses them sweetly. mother nature hates me just like you.

i seek solace within the wall of my air-conditioned fortress. i shut myself in to keep everything and every speck of parts per million away. i don't need you, but you need me to need you.

i've gotten out of the box and become trapped in a valley. i want to pack away the outside and seal it with duct tape and stuff it down in the farthest corner of the basement. maybe if i wrap myself up in an allergen cover i can go out into the sunshine.

ILL

Gray eyes blood shot and puffy
Dark bruised looking circles under my eyes
Pale translucent skin
Shaking cold hands
A cotton stuffed nose
Slapped with a brick across the forehead
Aching shoulders
Tension filled neck
Throbbing and burning left calf muscle
I am sick
ILL
Diseased
Under the weather
Deluded into thinking I am not contagious
I walk amongst my co-workers
Spreading the viral infections
Germs thriving and breeding
In a Society filled with people
To feed off of
I am sick
ILL
Diseased
Wrapped up into a world where taking off work is a dream
I continue to share my misery
Every time I sneeze
Bless me, bless me
Every time I cough
Pain fills me
Fire from my throat
Cracked lips moan
A daze of dullness blankets me
I am sick
ILL
Diseased
Under the Weather
Not feeling good
A corpse looks better
Exhausted I plunge onward
Wary of the cold
The iciness of the air strangles my breath
The coldness chills me to the very bones
Stomach clenches and knots
Nerves jangle and scream
Life doesn’t stop for me
When I am sick.