Grief Comes and It Goes

Grief Comes and It Goes This Year without you has flown by My Heart has missed you I miss your laughter and your smile The way you talked with your hands How you were my brother and my friend Grief comes and it goes Your birthday is almost here Just 3 short days after Christmas every year You'd just shrug off the forgotten presents The here's your birthday and christmas gifts You took it all in stride and never made a big deal out of being born so close to yuletide Grief comes and it goes One day is normal and the next its not I hear Momma I'm coming Home on the Radio and I cry Why can my breathe be taken away in less than a second? It's been 26 years since Mom died and I never forget So I know I have years ahead of me left ahead to greive Grief comes and it goes My Heart hurts every moment that you're gone We had a childhood of memories to build a love upon You bought me my first car, a tank to keep me safe You fought my bullies at school, because no one picked on your sister, but you Oh, Brother John, I love you, then, now, and forever!

Turned Out the LIght

I struggle to feel and to know what's real.
I see and hear but nothing registers inside this brain.
My pain strips me of all pretense, just let me sleep.
I miss the sound of music.
I miss my dreams.
This medicine turns out the light and i never feel right.

My creativity has left.
I feel barren and adrift.
I curl into a ball and try to cry but nothing comes out.
The world's rainbow bright colors are gray and black.
I pick up a picture of happier days and think, why can't i go back that way.
This depression turned out the light and i am alone in the darkness all the time.

When will i learn this is my curse.
If i dance and sing i can't think straight.
if i am thinking straight all the music leaves my soul.
it's a prison, it's a medication, it's a difficult choice i face.
right now i think i'm okay, but am i?
This vicious cycle of ups and downs turns out the light and leaves me without any delight.

He Says

my head aches to the weirdest beat.
all the world comes flooding in.
I'm defenseless again.
screams split open my ears.
I swear they weren't from me, but they were.
creepy cat ladies are hunting me.
he says, relax baby it's just bad dreams.

take apart my soul,
is it ripe or just old?
I smell disease.
the stench brings me to my knees.
I used to be pretty,
now I'm just petty.
he says, don't worry baby you still have me.

my eyes are heavy,
my heart feels weak.
I can't control me.
the world wreak havoc inside of me.
I'm falling.
I hear the air all around.
he's calling, he says, I won't let you hit the ground.

lift me higher into the sky;
let me touch a star and hold on tight.
I'm losing grip on what is or isn't;
find me please.
he says, baby i'll be your north star

he says what I need to hear
he loves me on my worst days,
even when I swear.
he says, he'll never leave.
I think this one truly loves me.

Fiancee

fighting for my future, trying to round up my doubts
I want to slay these dragons before they steal all my treasures
I want to transform this moment and make both of us better
partners, friends, lovers are my goals
let's lay out this strategy to get us up to the next level

performing as the fiancée is fine but I'm not feeling the wife role
I have to gain some control
I listen to the fairy tales you spin where you're the hero in the end
I can't see us anymore
I only nag and I'm so bored

bring back the passion and the feeling we belong together
I want us to prosper but all I do is hassle you to be a man
where' your energy
the man I fell in love with has lost his faith
how do we get back to being great

I don't know what to do
the light is going dim
you feel it too
we've become detached
I try to pull us forward but you mindset holds us back
we're spinning in a vicious circle not going anywhere
my frustration is building
I roll my eyes as you play peter pan
are we ever going to figure this out

I thought I knew what you were doing
now I don't believe you know what you want let alone who you are
you've begun to creep me out
and I have feeling the way I do
it's time to lay it all out
let the light shine on the dark
maybe we can overcome or maybe we are done
let's find out

Just the Two of Us

These miracles you are searching for can’t be found inside the prideful speak of mock saints.
They aren’t messengers of God.
Their wisdom won’t lead to solutions.
These wars you fight inside of your head and heart make me weep.
God is light. God is love.
Demons play off our desire to play the alpha hero and make ourselves into glorified deities.
We must watch our tongues. We must not mock him.
He is perfection and we are a temple constantly under his construction.

You seek perfection when there is no fire in your soul.
You walk around with your head up in clouds thinking glory is worth more than eternal salvation.
You obsess over power and gold.
The sickness you’re suffering from has taken the world by storm.
The entire globe has been consumed by greed.
The desolation has scattered families, friends, and turned loved ones into strangers and even mortal enemies.
I watch as people pick up the sword to resolve their differences.
The world is on the edge of a bottomless cliff.
I mourn the freefall we are about to begin.

The sun shines over us like God’s love it’s always there for us.
I am troubled by all this unnecessary suffering.
I wonder if I could be the world’s advocate to Heavenly Father.
If one person is righteous enough to save us all, like Lot, begged for Sodom, Like Jesus, sacrificed his life to atone for all mankinds sins;
would I be able to do enough to heal the wounds of this generation?
I am nowhere near perfection.
The absence of God upon the people’s hearts saddens me.
I want to help, but I am unsure how to start.
I begin now, with me, and you. I change just us two.

Imagination

Doubt plays around in my mind trying to squeeze all the love out of my heart.
I don’t want to let the fear win out.
I’ve waited so long to find you.
Now I worry my anxiety will take you away.
My hope builds you up and my heart swells with love for you and I feel overjoyed.
This is the sun being let in to shine into what was a dark life for such a long time.
But I can’t forget or shake off the memories of hurt from my past completely, and they are calling out to my logical side, that it’s too good to be true, that you aren’t the man I see.
My imagination begins to run away with me.

Cast the spotlight onto him;
Flush out every flaw;
Can I live with how he says, Is that bad?
After every story he tells and yeah some of it is pretty bad.
He’s not perfect, but I’m even less than perfect.
Lay the cards out side by side and see who comes up shorter, no puns intended, but he and I aren’t angels.
He overshares, but so do I.
He’s inappropriate and yells at his kid’s for something he just did himself.
I can’t claim the higher moral ground here.
My imagination wants to gloss over the worst of it, but will this breed bitterness in time?

Do I worry just to have something to worry about?
Am I afraid to be happy?
I am scared to commit.
He has a lot on his plate.
Kids, grandmother, ex-wives, custody battles, legal issues, health problems, and crazy ideas that never seem to end;
he never gives up, but just as he stands something knocks him down again.
I’ve never seen one person with such bad luck.
I think mine is beginning to change for the worse.
Is he rubbing off on me?
Or is my imagination just making me think I’m cursed lately?

Temptation

Temptation has a name. I say it over and over again. I dream of him. I want him. I am taunted!

The thoughts of my tongue caressing your flesh spread out before me like flames would hungrily eat up a gasoline soaked arsonists trail.
I dance in my sleep to your touch in my dreams.
My heart beat’s in unison to your breath.
These desires will be the death of me.
If I see you I should run the other way, to save myself before I cave into something that will undo all my virtue.
The matters of the flesh are weak.
I must be strong.
The pleasure will be fleeting.
I know the intensity of this attraction is the devil’s way of leading me astray.
I’m in danger!

Temptation has a face. I find my eyes staring at him over and over again. I am memorizing every mole, freckle, and scar. I need him. I am falling!

Your simplest gestures entrance me like a junkie getting high on the smallest dose of their favorite fix.
I listen to you speak and watch you walk.
I find you fascinating.
This fixation isn’t good for me.
There’s nothing positive I can do with this.
You are on the verge of becoming a sin.
This is my fault.
I deny myself everyday joy.
I hold in and suppress basic needs until I can no longer keep my hunger at bay.
You are a symptom of a much larger disease.
I have to learn to control these urges.
This is a test and I must pass.
I have to prove to myself that I’m no longer the woman that needs a man to feel complete.

Temptation has broad shoulders and jet black hair. He has a deep rumbling laughter and eyes that light up and dance with amusement. His smile lights up his whole face and ignites in me a flame that burns down all resistance to his charms. I am overcome!

All pleasure is the same, brief and temporal.
I remind myself this life is not eternal.
I’m not here to be his lover.
I’m here to build an eternal life.
I’m here to be worthy to return to my Heavenly Father.
I have a choice between Heaven and Hell.
This is the choice right now to save my soul.
His love will bring me tears and pain, but God’s love will bring me joy and glory.
I have to focus on beyond this life.
It’s hard to see past my senses.
I get enraptured with his touch.
He knows the effect he has on me and uses it to his advantage.
I pray for God to strengthen me and lead me out of temptation.
Temptation has not gotten the best of me this time.
I’ve overcome and my vow of chastity remains intact.
Alone but with God’s love I remain.
He didn’t understand why this was important to me; therefore he wasn’t the right man to be with me.
In God’s time I will find my eternal companion and then after we are united in the temple I will finally have a love for all time.

Inspire Me

Comfort me when I feel sad and the sky is gloomy. The day is long and my soul is dark I turn to you to lift my spirits and move me to a better place. Hope is your place by my side. You rubbing my feet at the end of long miserable Monday is pure Heaven on Earth. I run my hands over your shaved head and it makes me feel better. Your laughter is the cure for all my ills.

Inspire me to sing a happy song when I’ve had the blues for so long. I want to dance around the kitchen at the break of dawn singing into the broomstick like a pop star to a silly love song. You bring out the giggles and the hearts over my I’s in all my instant messages. I can’t stop smiling and it is really get on everyone’s nerves. You bring out the very best in me.

Love me for all eternity like you’ve never loved anyone else before me. Tell me all your secrets and dreams in order to draw our heart’s even closer. I want to be the last thought before you sleep. I want to be your wildest dreams. I want to be the first thought when you wake up. I love your good morning beautiful messages. I want to be a brilliant light in your life that draws your Spirit up to God.

Move me to abandon all reason and be together for all of life’s seasons. We are building love everlasting. The stars have aligned to bring us into each other’s universe. The sun now rises and sets for our love. Our futures are now intertwined and we now breathe the same air knowing our hearts beat toward the same goals, to love and be loved by each other. Our joy grows with our love with each new dawn.

Show me with your words, your actions, and your devotion how much I mean to you and I will do the same. We have to keep the fire burning. I will remember to be thankful for you and tell you every day how much I adore you. If I forget to say I love you even one day, please forgive me and remind me, because I’m sure it’s a mistake, because my love for you will never fade, all I ask is for you to do the same.

Support me when times get tough. This world likes to take away what God gives us as a blessing. You are a true blessing. We must remember to cling to each other. Trials will come and go but our love is our lifeboat in this ocean of chaos. Together we can weather any storm through our faith and devotion to each other and God. Nothing of this world can tear us apart. You and I are a force unstoppable.

Enjoy me and all my little quirks as they will surely mystify and frustrate you from time to time. We love many of the same things, but we have many differences. I respect what is different about us and I know we can build a bridge between us to love what we can do together and be cool when we are apart to do the things that we like separately. I love all of you, every little piece, and I accept every flaw because that’s what makes you really truly you.

Forget Everything I Said

Hold down the Fort and Throw out the Dish Water.
I can’t say anything that will undo the damage done here
You have your broken arrows lined up like ducks in a row
You think you have everything you already need to know
So just forget it all, let it all go, and I’ll just wave you on out the door
Forget everything I said about trust, let it turn into dust
No one loves harder than me, but that’s not enough
So, just walk into the sunset and forget everything I said about love, you don’t need it anymore

I can see you getting smaller in the distance and it’s so clear
This was never going to work you are too stubborn to hear me through everyone else’s opinions
We were never in this alone there were too many voices to get through to you
But I had always hoped your heart would only let my voice ring true
So just forget it all, let it all go, and I’ll just sit here watching you leave
Forget everything I said about faith, I can’t keep it alive by myself
No one loved you better than me, but that’s not enough
So, just take all your stuff that I bought you and forget everything I said about forever after, it never was what you were after

My heart has another name carved into it, bleeding and sore, the scar not yet formed
I had dared to dream this was my last love to endure, but it’s not to be with you
Now as I see you are gone, I sit and sing this song over and over like a Hymnal to God, praying it will somehow bring you back to me
But I have to forget everything I said to you, all the I love you’s, all the I need you’s, all the laughter, all the tear’s weren’t enough to overcome your fears.
It’s time to begin to forget. So I tell myself just forget it all, let it all go, and I will sit here and breathe once more.

Reunions

I’m not like I used to be all those years ago when you had me. Life carried me away from you forward and onward to different dreams that didn’t include you and me. Now we’re both older, colder, grown up’s with heartbreaks, heartaches, and scars that go down to our bones.

We catch up on the facts, the kids, the cats, and the dogs. You have motorcycles, ex-wives, girlfriends, loved ones that you lost, and I have similar tales to tell. After the memories get exchanged and the laughter fades there’s not much that remains. It looks like we weren’t meant to pick up where we left off. The hope of a lost love being rekindled dies in one of those it was good to see you again and lots of wish you the bests. We walk away and again go our separate ways.

Summer brings around reunions. Reunions bring around memories best left in the past. I wish I could forget what it had been like to be your girl. Those school days were a rush that I’ve never been able to capture again. Next reunion I think I’ll pass and leave the old days back in the yearbook where they belong. I can’t relive them and tear open scars long since healed.

I use my time on self-improvement, self-delusion, and self-acquisition. This world keeps spinning around wobbling on its axis like every wrong will be right again. Love’s opposition is indifference and I’m trying so hard to keep caring, but I feel nothing on so many days. I have a soul but I’m not sure if it’s still attached to me at all.

I play around with a new idea. I see a new look I want to try. I keep trying to take this round person I am and fit it into a square society. I had wanted so much more than I think I’ve gotten, but I know I have so much more than a lot of others have ever seen. I’ve been blessed. There’s a trick being played on me that makes me still second guess God’s grace. I want to embrace all of life’s living colors. I want to live today like there’s no other, but I feel like today I might break.

The warm air reunites me with other distant summer nights of my past where I sat outside and chased fireflies, kissed boys, and played with sparklers. My eyes grow misty with long forgotten recollections of stolen moments running with friends like summer would never end. The folly of the young is that you think you’ll always be young and you can never see past the moment you are in. I know I should resist this reunion of summer’s past in my head, but I indulge my heart’s whim.

I’m not like I used to be even yesterday I’m different today. Time keeps us moving forward and onward into a different version of ourselves. I try hard to keep up with myself and hold back all the mistakes. Regret is no place to live your life. I put on a perky smile and open up the door to the summer and look up and out into this odd world. I have to live right here and right now. There’s no time to waste on reunions.

Infidel

I peel apart all these layers between you and me so I can finally find out if any of this is real or if it’s has all been make believe.
We worked so hard to be together and grow and learn. Does this foundation I stand on sit on rock or sand? Does all this love endure or burn?

Trust is just a word when there’s nothing but lies to back it up. I want to believe in you. I used too. Now all I have is photographs and memories of how it all used to be. The prettiness haunts me and this new ugliness taunts me.

Your infidelity has damaged everything we have; can you even be faithful to God, you Infidel?

I break apart every piece of our relationship from the beginning to the middle to the end to find the moment where the cracks began to creep into us.
We were the team that pulled it together and got it done. All our friends counted on us to be the ones to lean on in the hard times. We were the examples of the perfect couple for them to try and be.

Love doesn’t mean anything if you don’t follow it with actions. I want to think you still love me. I used too. Now all I have is the last lingering feeling of your touch and the taste of your flesh upon my tongue. I miss our passion and fire and this empty and cold bed sits as a cruel reminder of the best of what we once were.

Your infidelity has taken away all that we built; and you call me a traitor for not understanding, you’re the Infidel?
I watched it all fall apart from the start I couldn’t stop you from breaking my heart and I wanted so badly to think we could fix all the wrong with the right prayer but it’s not going to heal a wound this deep.

I have to let go of you and all of the hurt. I have to move forward in faith to find love again. I will stand tall and be proud that I loved a good man. He gave in to weakness and temptation and lost me, the best woman he will ever have.

Hope is all I need to begin again. I will get through this with my Father’s help, is strength will lift me up and over this trial. I believe in him and I still do. Now I have everything I need to live a life fulfilled. There are no more tears to cry and no more fears to face. You aren’t going to hurt me anymore.

Your infidelity doesn’t take from me anymore; and your unfaithfulness is your own problem now, you have to face God, Infidel!

Reunions

I’m not like I used to be all those years ago when you had me. Life carried me away from you forward and onward to different dreams that didn’t include you and me. Now we’re both older, colder, grown up’s with heart breaks, heart aches, and scars that go down to our bones.

We catch up on the facts, the kids, the cats, and the dogs. You have motorcycles, ex-wives, girlfriends, loved ones that you lost, and I have similar tales to tell. After the memories get exchanged and the laughter fades there’s not much that remains. It looks like we weren’t meant to pick up where we left off. The hope of a lost love being rekindled dies in one of those it was good to see you again and lots of wish you the bests. We walk away and again go our separate ways.

Summer brings around reunions. Reunions bring around memories best left in the past. I wish I could forget what it had been like to be your girl. Those school days were a rush that I’ve never been able to capture again. Next reunion I think I’ll pass and leave the old days back in the yearbook where they belong. I can’t relive them and tear open scars long since healed.

I use my time on self-improvement, self-delusion, and self-acquisition. This world keeps spinning around wobbling on its axis like every wrong will be right again. Love’s opposition is indifference and I’m trying so hard to keep caring, but I feel nothing on so many days. I have a soul but I’m not sure if it’s still attached to me at all.

I play around with a new idea. I see a new look I want to try. I keep trying to take this round person I am and fit it into a square society. I had wanted so much more than I think I’ve gotten, but I know I have so much more than a lot of others have ever seen. I’ve been blessed. There’s a trick being played on me that makes me still second guess God’s grace. I want to embrace all of life’s living colors. I want to live today like there’s no other, but I feel like today I might break.

The warm air reunites me with other distant summer nights of my past where I sat outside and chased fireflies, kissed boys, and played with sparklers. My eyes grow misty with long forgotten recollections of stolen moments running with friends like summer would never end. The folly of the young is that you think you’ll always be young and you can never see past the moment you are in. I know I should resist this reunion of summer’s past in my head, but I indulge my heart’s whim.

I’m not like I used to be even yesterday I’m different today. Time keeps us moving forward and onward into a different version of ourselves. I try hard to keep up with myself and hold back all the mistakes. Regret is no place to live your life. I put on a perky smile and open up the door to the summer and look up and out into this odd world. I have to live right here and right now. There’s no time to waste on reunions.

Washing Machine

Youthful hopeless romantic gestures fill the air like fireworks on the 4th of July night sky.
A knight in shining armor you aren’t but you never claimed to be, so why did I try so hard to get you to be one.
I built a pedestal and tried to push you on top of it; than when you fell on top of me and broke me why was I so surprised.
I follow the same pattern of misguided intentions.
I want to be the perfect girlfriend. I find out what you want and that’s what I become.
I change myself and become someone you need me to be but the modifications can never last.
I can’t keep them in place long enough for them to get you to stay.
I distort reality inside my head until I believe all the lies I’m telling you and myself.
I’m so eager to please you. I’m so angered when it doesn’t work.
Every single man runs in the end. I cry myself to sleep.
I’m a washing machine stuck on the delicate cycle and I never get clean.

You can change the players.
You can rearrange the furniture.
I even changed the cities.
The playlist has rotated hundreds of times now.
I begin again. It ends again.
Three for three the story remains the same.
He loves me to death but he’s not in love with me.
He’s single, but hey, by the way, he has a live in girlfriend.
Oh, he must have forgotten to mention that to me.
And the last one, the one that seemed perfect in practically every way, he said he was divorced, nope, still very married!
Oh dear, here we are again, sitting alone in the dark crying into a carton of ice cream.
I throw in the proverbial towel into the washing machine of my love life and set it on spin and say goodbye.

I go into myself and lock away every feeling for a safer day.
I can’t risk anymore pain.
I can’t bare anymore beautiful blue eyes full of lies.
The adversary knows my weakness, love.
Loneliness is tolerable if you tell yourself to call it solitude.
I pretend to that I don’t mind all this time watching the world pass me by alone.
I could go out. I could smile more.
I’m afraid to tempt myself.
In my experience the risk has never been worth the reward.
I have to take this time to figure out who I am with no one around to please.
The cycle has to end it’s time to come clean.
I have to find me.

I hold my breath as I venture out into the world with this renewed perspective.
It’s been years since I’ve been out here and I feel so exposed.
I feel shaky and uncertain but hopeful because I’m not out here to please someone else anymore.
I’m searching for a partner to enrich my life not someone to complete me, because I am complete.
I know that now.
I’ve always felt a partial emptiness, but the closer I draw to God the less I feel that way.
The stronger I become and the more capable I feel.
I know now that I’m prepared.
I'm ready to be a good wife, friend, partner, and lover to someone who respects and loves me.
No more taking whatever I’m given and thinking I’ll just throw it in the wash and make it work.
If he’s dirty then he’s not worthy because I deserve better!!!

Build Up

Build up the bridge and knock down the wall, find the place to uncover the scars.
Heal the wounds and free the ghosts; let your spirit roam where it wants.
Fear has had its way for far too long; let the blame go and move on once and for all.

No one abandoned you! The storms you’ve rode out have made you better and now it’s time to dance in this rain!
Too much time has been wasted wallowing in the pain; Enjoy these little moments of laughter you earned them.
You’re vibrating from the inside out with the Holy Ghost and God sees what you love the most. There is light spilling over the rough edges where once only darkness sat.

Be the child upon His knee, laugh, love, and linger in His Grace and be free!
Second guesses have had their chances; turn them down and take the righteous turn down that heavenly road.
You hear the still small voice grow louder as your heart beats so much calmer. Everything is so much clearer when you see through the lens that your savior provides you.

One more step, each more bolder than the last, letting go of past regrets, asking for His forgiveness, giving repentance, and accepting the plan laid out for you.
Two lives have been; one before Him and one after Him; you wonder why it took so long to see what seems so obvious to you now;
Joy is a simple prayer of gratitude. A Father’s love is one Amen away. Life has grown and eclipsed all your wildest dreams. No amount of money could ever bring this priceless happiness.

Build up His house and knock down the doubts; find God, find love!

Clean Slate

Time’s ticking; winding down the clock on me. I keep seeing all this waste I’ve been keeping inside my soul.

I’m trying to clear out all this junk in my head that is keeping me down.
My heart has accumulated too many scars to sustain any new love.

My neck is sore and my jaw aches. Is this a warning that it is all too late? Fate, have you come for me?

I count down the days, two weeks passed between you and me. I wait anxiously for this time to pass so I can be set free.
How many more chances will I have to start over again?
One more last chance to get this right; hold on tight, I’m in for a bumpy ride.

I’m afraid every night and every day. All the fear constricts my movements to the bare necessities.

The air I breathe is precious to me. Each thought a rare commodity. My dreams spiral out into empty atmospheres.

Doubt the doubt; I hear the whispers in the darkness calling out to me; reaching out for me again.

I’m not safe inside myself. It is time to move past the past and grab hold of His hand and let him lift me up towards His light!

No more empty plates. His atonement promises me a clean slate. There is no perfection in my current state.
I trip and fall repeatedly to get close to God’s glory.

I can’t stop now. I’m so close to receiving the blessings promised to me. I can’t afford to lose this war.

I zealously protect this good I have left in me. Repentance has opened all these beautiful doors for me.
I see life blooming where once all I saw was death looming.

Perspective has shifted me into how God sees me, I am His child. I am His daughter.
I am light. I am truth. I am love.
Because He is light; Because He is truth; Because He is love;
I can dance in the warm embrace of His acceptance.

I feel like a janitor sweeping up after a five alarm fire. I only have one broom and a dust pan, but I won’t stop cleaning up this mess until I get every ash and ember swept up and thrown away. I will be clean again. I will shine again.

Time will run out for me here, but on the other side eternity never does.
The sky won’t always be blue and I won’t always be content.
I will always have God.
He will always have me in his arms.
His love is always here for me.

Behind These Locks

Behind these locks all the world’s noises block my thoughts.
One moment I crave silence’s golden rave; where I can hear the whisper’s the darkness gave.

Rolling along in turmoil’s embrace; I press upon the edges engraved.
Let’s deconstruct the monuments the world made.

Mirrors reflect worry lines; age creeps and crawls along my flesh. Every space I forge an inch to forget the miles I regret.
These bothersome times build troubled young minds; blowing apart morality’s woven cloth.

Tear at the seams of time itself; recoil in horror as you see the truth revealed. Blood smeared across the dirt; tears shed like the cost is moot.
Priceless treasures are objects rare; people are disposable because they are everywhere. Rush past what makes you uncomfortable; avert your gaze.

If you don’t acknowledge it then it doesn’t exist; unicorns and God are the same thing. Smiles hide ugly truths; laughter erases pain.
Suppress what you can’t figure out; throw it out; who needs complicated, simple is better. Hear the message loud and clear; run away from what can hurt you.

Pick up the quick and easy; life is good and that is all it should be for you. I stand along this darkened path fighting against a tide of apathetic diatribes.
Holding still searching for my voice in a sea of screeching sirens beckoning me to hear their call; all I want is to find my own way.

Losing heart, starving for words to edify my soul, I turn to God and I am whole! I battle every day to hold my ground; the devil holds his own; pushing me down.
Faith is a proving ground; try me, test me, put my feet to the fire, light me up and burn me down, God!

I won’t hide! I won’t run! I won’t back down! This isn’t the easy way. This isn’t the quick way.
Doubt and fears will come and go; I’ve been there so I know; but I also know you are always here.

Your love for me stays; you are always on my side. I’ll carry you in my heart and when I’m weak you’ll carry me.
Strength comes in the dark and shines in the light.

Affinity

These gray eyes looked up and saw you today and I instantly knew I liked you.
I didn’t know why but I felt a connection to you.
There was nothing telling me you’d be someone I could trust.
I didn’t even know your name yet.

I had to wonder what craziness was going on in the universe surrounding me.
People talk about soul mates and fate but I have never been one to experience this myself until now.
I thought I’d say hello eventually and for now I’d just think about you and smile if you’d look my way.
Who knows if our souls will have an affinity for each other’s hands to hold?

I don’t want to fill my head with unrealistic thoughts because I find you aesthetically pleasing.
If you are to be my sun and I’m meant to be your earth then what’s wrong with taking a few cycles of the moon to figure this out.
The next time I get married it will be for forever and that is not a child’s toy to be played with.
I want to join my life with another and find the greatest joy.

I’m putting my house in order so I can build a lifelong bond on a rock solid foundation.
I’ve been cleansing my karma so I can complete myself to allow another inside my walls.
Marriages are made in Heaven, but you meet your partner here on earth.

I know we don’t have all the time in the world to sit and contemplate these new feelings.
I want to hold on to the hope and treasure the possibility just a few more days.
The beauty in the dream is the sweetest of fruits it is almost too good to ever attempt to eat!

A Single Moment

A Single Moment captured in my mind like the firefly’s light burns for a brief second on the summer’s night sky. I hold tight to that look in your eye. I nurse the glimmer of hope like a whisky straight up hold the ice. I remember clearly the smirk and the sound of your amused grunt. I’m no one to you. Not yet. Maybe not ever, the fates are still being woven and cannot be seen by mere humans like you or I.

I’m inspired to work harder now to get my house in order to live my life to use this time to prepare myself for what is coming. I feel something in the air now approaching me like you can smell the charcoal in the spring air when all the BBQ’s are lighting up welcoming the warmer weather. There isn’t anything here for me yet. Maybe not tomorrow either, the future isn’t now, but what I can’t see will be here soon.

Graves dot the earth like pimples cover the face of a teenage girl. Everywhere you go there are those that once thought they had plenty of time to do everything that needed to be done. I know my time will run down sooner rather than later. I feel this heart in my chest burn from the struggle to cover my every breath. I have no illusions of forever dancing in my head. I need to stop making plans and take actions instead.

Over and over I have stumbled and fallen; you were there waiting patiently to pick me up again. My two fathers have never failed me no matter how many times I have failed them. I will pull them both closer to me. I never want to push either of them away ever again. I want to watch the world my heavenly Father built around me and reach into it and help Him make it better. I want to lift my Fathers’ up. My spirit is burning with their love.

I hold onto the past no longer. I tie it to my fears and doubts and release them into the sky. A single moment can tilt your entire view point upside down and turn your whole being inside out. You did that for me and one day maybe I will return the favor. I wish you happiness. I hope our paths cross again someday. Until then burn brightly and never fade away….

Dancing Back & Forth

I’ve got a million voices in my head and not a single one is mine anymore.
I’ve forgotten what my own voice sounds like anymore.
I’m stuck between heaven, earthly delights and hell’s burning fires.
Break my feet so I have to learn to walk again it’s the only way I can fix this mess.
All of me is a complete wreck!

I watch myself behind confused eyes like wires are shorted inside my brain.
I’m trying to rewire myself to get back to original programming but the manual is lost.
God hears my every thought so he knows I’m dancing back and forth a lot.
I don’t have any rhythm and all the music is off key.
I’ve never been a singer anyway!

These messages are jumping the tracks God is trying to lay them as fast as he can.
I am working towards salvation one prayer, one scripture, and one repentance at a time.
Frantically, I search inside my soul for those pieces that are shattered past redemption.
I listen to the silence inside and outside of me for His still small voice waiting for deliverance.
I’m struggling to bask inside the glow of God’s love.

Icy hands and burning questions leading up to fired up true confessions.
God can’t be deceived so excuses won’t be accepted; I must stand up and admit my faults.
My imperfections are woven into the fabric of my every atom I can’t remove them on my own.
I need to lean on God to cleanse myself and purify my heart to become whole.
I hear His angels sweetly singing my name they’re calling out to me to join in their praise.

Pages make a story that go in books that have a beginning, middle and an end.
People see this and wish life was so neat and easy to define and fit into their worlds.
God has a plan that plays to His own designs that doesn’t answer to our little desires.
I will follow where He leads whatever He has decided in His plan for me.
My life is His now to do His will and I now know peace, love, and comfort from above, amen!

I Need!

I need glasses to see clearly anymore.
life's become blurry inside my head.
i can't hear inside myself because the outside has invaded every part of me.
i want to be closer to God.
i want to be closer to my own heart.

i need a pen to write down my thoughts.
if i don't capture the words when they come they get lost.
as i age i struggle to remember everything.
my mind grows weak and dark.
i want to be enlightened again with God's presence.
i want the Holy Spirit to touch my soul once more.

i need a song to move my soul with emotions.
i have grown cold and lost to life's subtle cues.
i have fallen into apathy's trap.
i walk among my fellow humans insensitive to their sufferings.
i want to be healed by God's love.
i want to feel God's grace work through me again.

i need God!
i tried to live in denial.
i stood on the mountain top alone in knowledge.
i thought if i didn't care i wouldn't hurt, but the pain festered and burned.
my sanctuary was my prison.
i want God to hear my prayers.
i want to talk to God like he his my best friend.

i need God's love to be free.
God forgive my ignorance and selfishness.
my fear drove me underground to hide from you.
i see now God you bring me comfort and peace.
i had you in my heart the whole time.
i had you waiting to take me back all along!

Forgive Myself

Humble and small I call out to you forgive me my sins, Oh God, I’m so Sorry I failed you.
I bow my head to pray.
I sit still basking in the quiet waiting to hear your spirit speak to me.
My hopes are pending on the edge of a precipice of doubts.
Life has beaten me and I let you down.
I’m overtaken by a perfect peace and I hear a whisper say, “First child Forgive yourself.”

Humbled and small I cry in clarity of the truth in the words, Oh God, It’s so hard to let go of the shame.
I start to meditate on the past year full of mistakes, regrets, hurts, and pains.
One by one I write them down and say them out loud followed by “I forgive myself God” and I tear them up and throw them out.
As I finish this task, a perfect peace overcame me and I hear a whisper, “Forgiveness is my gift to you my Child.”

Humble and small I pray to God with a thankful heart filled with love for a wise Heavenly Father, Oh God, you know me better than I know myself.
I begin to rebuild my world upon the new calm I have in my heart and start with a new beginning of joy and gratitude.
My life is now about serving God and helping others find hope and forgiveness for themselves.
Every night I settle up with God and I find that perfect peace in the divine forgiveness of God’s love.

Walk With Me

I see my future looking into your eyes
I know my heart’s desire is being with you for all time
Walk with me
Talk with me
Join me on this path
I guarantee my love will last

I hear you call my name over the loudest crowd
I feel your touch and the world disappears
Dance with me
Laugh with me
Join me on life’s journey
I guarantee my love will last

I taste the sweetness of your lips against mine
I search your soul and find my lifelong mate
Sing with me
Play with me
Join me on this winding road
I guarantee my love will last

A Simple Prayer

Lost, disillusioned, confused, bitter
Hands clasped in prayer
Lord, just comfort this wayward child.
Eyes closed and knees bent
Lord, please take away the pain.
I feel your warmth upon my soul.

The physical world limits me
The faith of my God eludes me
Escape with me
Escape to nothingness
Empty sky of blue nothingness

Hungry, malnutritioned, scared, crying
Lord, sustain me.
I will be your servant night and day
Thoughts cleaned and pure
Ready to listen
Lord, let your spirit fill me.
I don’t want to be hollow anymore
I want to know
Your love, your warmth
Lord, guide me
Lord, love me.

Truest Blessings

Darkness, voiceless pity, big eyes lost inside vacant night skies.
Hope dies against bloody hands.
Disguises, venom filled words, violent outburst shooting airborne like fireworks.
Faith sucked into a vacuum of a blackened soul.

War, chaos rules, strong willed pills swallowing goodness whole.
Mercy forgotten between screams of incoherent heartless murmurings.
Woe, craziness over takes, rage swings fists of fury in every direction without discretion.
Love disappears into cracks ripped into the fabric of what was a family.

Exhaustion, faults exposed, everyone stares their whispers carry on the wind.
Grace so needed here yet so far away it seems lost to a black hole.
Eternity, failure eminent, options are dwindling as the authorities lights are circling.
Peace a distant memory of days long past when laughter used to be heard within these walls.

Believe, God hears, prayers are being said for you every day my friends.
Kindness is here for you and ready to extend its comfort when you are ready to receive it.
Blessings, goodness remains, don’t give up with the hardest of times comes the truest of blessings.
Forgiveness will be your salvation and guide to finding the way back to freedom and happiness.

Inventory

i'm a little fish in a little pond swimming in circles waiting for the day i drown.
my daydreams are making the time pass in impossible fantasies.
i sleep more than i should.
i hurt more than i deserve.
i'm a hopeless romantic suffering from a pessimist disease.
there's no prescription i can fill to cure this mindless pity party.
i think i'm in love with chasing the love that fails.
my breaking heart is the best way for me to know i'm alive.
i've detached from everything i know.
i'm sitting alone taking inventory of my soul and the list is short.