It Doesn't Matter

it doesn't matter what age you are when you lose your mother
it doesn't matter if she walks out or if death takes her away
the pain is the same, it lingers and remains

it doesn't matter the memories you have, they'll eventually fade
it doesn't matter how many tears you cry or how much you miss her
she won't be back, it hurts and causes emotional cracks

if i could i would wrap up every memory i have to keep it safe from time's erasing touch
if i had a time machine i'd go back and record every moment so i'd never forget the sound of her voice
if i had one wish it would be to have one more minute to tell her i love her one last time

it doesn't matter now it's been so long and my mind is losing her
it doesn't matter what i want, i can't stop the pain
i can't ease the desire to talk to her one more time, it's a fact and i'll be fine

it doesn't matter that no one can say why we feel this way
it doesn't matter if you understand where i'm coming from
life is never the same, i feel abandoned and lost

if i would've known it was your last day i wouldn't have left the hospital
if i knew that would be your last words to me i'd listened more
if i had been there i'd never let go of her hand when God came for her unexpectedly

it doesn't matter what's done is done
it doesn't matter i'm getting older and my daughter has forgotten her
it doesn't matter that i don't want to let her go

oh, God, why take her from me
oh, God, i miss her more with each passing day

i know the only thing that matters is she's inside of me and my daughter
she's forever mixed into our DNA
when i look into the mirror i reach out and touch her
every year our differences disappear.
it's her love that she gave me that keeps me going and
that is the only thing that matters.

15 years

my heart is heavy.
missing you drags me down.
my sadness swallows me whole.
like a tsunami, a crushing wave of pain floods me.
after 15 years, i thought i'd be out of tears.
but i cry on, i cry on.

the day is filled with business.
i try to block out the past.
the night looms before me like a dark demon,
anxious to consume me.
i had hoped time would ease the ache,
but my heart keeps breaking for you over & over again.

you've missed so much.
i wonder if i've punished myself enough.
we all die on our own.
we all go out alone,
but if i could go back,
i'd change that last memory.

i wish i was there holding your hand.
it would comfort me if i knew you understood,
how badly i wanted to be there with you.
i never got to say goodbye
and it makes me cry, so i cry, i can't stop crying.

if love is eternal, then you'll never be gone.
i want to make you proud.
but i never did while you were alive.
and i doubt i've improved since you've been dead.
but God as my witness, i keep trying.

i never stop trying to live up to your standards.
even though your voice in my head is fading,
certain moments bring you back to me again.
and i desperately want to hold on to you.

hold on to the sound of your laughter.
hold on to your radiant smile.
even if it makes me cry.
so i'll sit here on this night,
when you went into the light
and cry, i'll keep on crying for you, Mom!

Missing You Today

i'm missing you today.
like the echo of my voice,
i wish you'd come back.
my heart aches when i watch you move,
technology brings you back,
like a ghost I can't touch
the screen breathes life back into your memory.
i can remember the last time I heard your voice,
you told me you loved me and i said i love you too.
they wheeled you away to recovery,
but you never made it to tomorrow.
no you never made it out of the hospital.

i miss you today.
more then i have in years.
time takes away the pain,
until you see something that reminds you.
it's hard to be here without you.
i wonder who got the short end of the stick.
you aren't suffering and i'll i do is hurt.
i want to be free of this earthly plain,
but i'm not given up, that's God's plan,
i'm not superior enough to think i can decide
if i should live or die.
i wish you could tell me to snap out of it.
you always spoke up and told me like it is.
i thought i'd lost that, but i have him now.

i miss you today.
i think you'd like him better then me.
he keeps me in check, telling me when i'm crazy
he laughs at me when i'm silly
and he tells me what i need to hear
the truth rolls from his tongue and it's sweeter then sugar bombs.
you'd think it's about time, why did it take me so long.
you just wanted perfection for your little girl,
but i never measured up, but you loved me anyways.
i wanted to be more and i would give away the world
if i could just see your smile one more time.

i miss you today.
christmas plays emotional games on me.
i can't stop crying.
i wish i could go see you in some time warp.
a video is not enough.

Monkey on My Back

I carry you around, a literal monkey on my back.
I carry you in my veins, a dna programmed heart attack.
I see you around my throat strangling me.
My crusty elbows and swollen ankles feel your weight too.

But no more! Today I begin a journey to be free of you.
The here is now. My turn has come.

I hum a victory tune because I have conquered you.
I throw away the memories.
I'll rebuild my self-esteem one lover's caresse at a time.
No more are you mine.

I hold my head up higher then the mountain tops.
I hold my spirit above your hateful presence.
I can see my future in a better light without our constant fights.

I'm finally free of you.
The here is now. My turn has come.

I do a little dance of happiness because I've banished you.
I tossed out your negativity.
I've found my voice again.
One day at a time I'll rejoice.
No more are you mine.

I packed up the monkey on my back and I'm never going back.
My body is shedding your image.
I'm getting closer to who I see in my head as me.

Now let's hum and dance until we collapse
because you aren't mine anymore.

When I was 14

When I was 14 they locked my mother away in a hospital's padded room.
Where they wouldn't let her come home.
I would visit her with my Dad totally embarrassed,
a little but sad and a little bit mad.
I can't recall how long she stayed.
It seemed like forever but it could've been a couple of days.

I'd sit in the long lonely hallway and think why i'd been so bad
that they too her away. I'm sorry but shd had to stay. She went crazy.
Everybody goes crazy. Everybody loses touch with reality. She saw ducks
in tin hats and pirates dropping down out of the ceiling.
Who hasn't when you take way too much medicine?
We all lose our minds. I'm sure someday I'm gonna lose mine.

When I was 10 she got sick and the doctors prescribed cure alls
that ended up killing her 13 years later.
My whole life changed the day she was taken away to God.
I knew then she could never come back to me.
I know hospitals well, their smell, antiseptic death.
I was in so many, so often, for too many years in a row.
The scars run deep as my paranoia that I'm on the same road.
And it's just a matter of time before they take me away too.

Time is playing tricks on me. As I get older I remember the silliest
things. How her eyes were like glass. How she looked in her hospital gown.
Sometimes I dream it all over like the day hasn't passed. And I'm back
in that moment, sitting in that long lonely hallway and that crazy old
man is trying to escape again. The girl who fried her brain on PCP calls me
Mary. And Mom has to stay. She has to stay until the medicine doesn't make
her crazy anymore. Yes, I worry one day it'll be my daughter sitting in that
long lonely hallway waiting for me but I have to stay.