Uninvited

cold and pale; i feel uninvited in my own flesh.
the sweat beads upon my breasts.
i toss and turn longing for rest.
i drink the medicine waiting for its bliss.
i long for numbness.
touching my face wondering who this stranger is;
i feel uninvited in my own soul.

tired and worn; i feel uninvited in my own skin.
the day fades and i shrink into my bed.
i hope and pray tomorrow is a better day.
i wrap myself up in the pills that promise.
i desire nothingness.
looking into my eyes i see emptiness;
i feel uninvited in my own heart.

bruised and used; i feel uninvited in my own flesh.
the days and nights get mixed up in my head.
i rise and rest with the whim of my disease.
i hunt for the miracle cure.
i need the darkness.
hearing my crying i taste my salty pain;
i feel uninvited in my own mind.

i feel so uninvited everywhere all the time; even in my own life.

The Day After

i'm working so hard to get you off of my mind.
here i am staring out the window,
trying to force the clouds to not look like you.
if this is letting go, then what's holding on?
i've got to severe this hold you have on me
before it's the end of me.

the day after you left me i screamed and i cried.
i threw your stuff in the trash.
i ripped up all the pictures and tried to burn the happy times into ash.
the day after i said i'm over you i'm still lonely.

i'm dating and dancing at the bars.
i'm drinking and eating myself merry.
i'm hoping to fall in love with Scott tonight.
i'm thinking i've finally found the man to spend all my nights with.
it's all the hope i have to believe i can love again.

the day after i slept with Scott he still hasn't called.
i start wondering if i was wrong.
he seemed to be the right guy, but it's been so long,
i don't trust my own feelings anymore.
the day after i said who cares if he calls i'm still lonely.

is this how the rest of my life is going to be?
lonely and cold,
lonely and old,
i don't want to be desperate.
the day after tomorrow i'll get back out there.
i'll climb out of bed and try again.
the only hope i have left is that i'm able to fall in love again.

I Forget or Shallow Pool

a waterfall of tears rain down my cheeks into my shallow pool of emotions.
i've been doing construction to rebuild the good soldier.
i used to be able to go 24/7 and not let life slow me down
and i never brokedown to cry.
although i'm lost, people look at me with hope in their eyes.
i need to get better at hiding how sick i've become.

auction off my soul to the lowest ebay bidder.
there's nowhere to go but down.
i hit the bottom and i keep digging into the stone of my heart.
i forget all the time what once was mine.
like you. like her. like happiness.
i forget it all so easily.

the trappings of success are seductively soft.
i want just to want.
my own desires a mirror of what i see on the tv set.
i don't know what i want because you haven't told me yet.
i can't finish...

pick up what's left of my smile.
it used to light up the world.
now i've metamorphosised into despair wrapped up in layers of lies.
i'm scared i'll let go and loose control.
i'm too destructive to be in the public eye.
if i were a rabid dog i'd been euthanized for everyone's safety by now.

burnt beyond recognition, i try to pass for a humane human being.
the clock tells me time is running out.
the calendar marks off the days until my final performance.
i always overstay my welcome.
i crash into lives uninvited.
i already tried to be someone i'm not.
it's just time for me to stop!

This Monday or Send Up a Prayer

he's got those crazy eyes again
God only know what he's got planned
i wait for the explosion
this is the calm before the storm
i hold my breath and send up a prayer

God, hold on to me
he's got me right where he wants me
i need strength to make this last
i know he's cheating on me
but i love him
so, God, help me find a way to set myself free

this monday started off bad
he came home at 1 AM
we've fought non-stop since then
i'm crying, he's lying
there's no love in this room
i hold my breath and send up a prayer

God, hear my tears
feel my pain across the stars
he's not listening to my pleas
i need you God to give me the right words
he's half way out the door
but i love him
so, God, should i let him go?

Crying Season or Hey

hey, i was thinking about you today.
you drifted into my thoughts,
like the ebb of a noon day tide.
i found you circling my mind.
i couldn't recall the last time you called.
it seems like we both want something.
i think you're out to save my soul
and i just want a warm body to hold.

hey, i cried for no reason today.
just burst into tears like it was crying season.
i'm not sure when it stopped,
but i thought it would be nice if i had your shoulder to cry on.
your shoulder's look strong,
like you coud carry an extra burden or ten,
but you want a friend.
and i want an intimate committment.

hey, i wanted to tell you something.
i think about your back story
and i think you are awesome.
how you lied to me about what your tattoo meant.
i smile when you reach out to me.
i may not be able to give you much,
but i'll bring everything i've got.
sadly, it has never proven enough for anyone.

hey, do you know i pray for you?
i find it odd that i do.
you aren't suffering,
but i want a better day for you.
the simplest way to express myself is to pray to God.
i tell him how great i think you are.

hey, don't forget to stay in touch.
i'm outside your usual circle,
but you could stop by from time to time.
i don't know if i ever cross your mind.
your smile would brighten my day.
your memory already brings me light.
i thirst for you like a person in the desert with no water.

hey, i know one day you'll be great.
you are a better person then i am.
you stopped and offered me your hand
and i am thankful for you.
you are a good and honest man.
i know i don't deserve you.

In His Hands

i pressed the delete key a 100 times today,
in an effort to erase all my mistakes.
i realized you can't erase all the errors,
you can only learn to forgive yourself
and let go of the guilt.

the thoughts in my head form like words in alphabet soup.
nothing makes sense but i always pull through.
my guardian angel must be exhausted.
there's dozens of times i should've been hurt.
i never think too far ahead.
i can barely survive the moment i'm in.

my life is a testament to perserverance.
i could've given up a million times,
but the holy ghost whispered telling me to forge ahead.
i don't know where i'm going.
God never shares his plans,
but i put my life in his hands.

when i'm worn out and beaten down,
his sweet spirit wraps around me
and drives out the cold.
my sorrows are never mine alone.
when i cry Jesus weeps with me.
my soul is soothed by praying in his name.

i place my hopes where i cannot see.
my faith is resilant and
when darkenss creeps up on me,
all i need to do is let his light in.
to believe is easy to give up control is hard,
but my life runs better when i put it in his hands
instead of my own!

Stray Bullet

i'm packing up the emotional baggage you left me
i'm unloading all the crap you piled on me
the sky is clear and blue
there's too much living for me to do
for me to waste away hanging on to you.

good bye, simple and complete.
i've taken your memories and set them free.
i know you no longer think of me.
now it's time for me to say Good bye.

you ripped into me like a stray bullet from a drive by
and now i'm the one picking at the scabs.
i broke myself down, wiped myself clean.
now i'm rebuilding myself better then before.

i'm throwing away the pictures.
i've deleted all the digital links between us.
the sun is shining and it's warm,
i've got myself jazzed to be alive.
there's no more reasons to cry.

good bye, no conditions or exceptions.
i've turned off my misery.
i was struggling like a person on crutches
and it was weighing me down with sorrow.
i feel jubilant and buoyant.
now that i am focused on tomorrow.

good bye to you and your critical world.
good bye to you for good!

Returning an Unwanted Favor

it's okay dear, all your tears have been cried.
it's okay here, we've dumped your fears to the past.
no one knows the way home.
stars shoot across the blackened sky
just like the fire light that dances then dies.

you trapped yourself up on a pedastool.
i knew you'd never admit defeat.
i captured the whole fiasco on tape.
i had to prove to you he was more then you could take,
but i received hate instead of thanks.

it's okay dear, i get it.
it's okay here, i already forgave you.
no one knows their fate.
dogs howl at every moon,
just like you fall in love with every fool.

i was here before too, hooked on lies.
blue eyes that hypnotize,
you pulled me to safety before i drowned.
you had to prove to me i was wrong
and i never said thank you,
but i'm returning the unwanted favor now.

it's okay dear, i won't let you drown.
it's okay here, there's always tomorrow to find another happily ever after.

15 years

my heart is heavy.
missing you drags me down.
my sadness swallows me whole.
like a tsunami, a crushing wave of pain floods me.
after 15 years, i thought i'd be out of tears.
but i cry on, i cry on.

the day is filled with business.
i try to block out the past.
the night looms before me like a dark demon,
anxious to consume me.
i had hoped time would ease the ache,
but my heart keeps breaking for you over & over again.

you've missed so much.
i wonder if i've punished myself enough.
we all die on our own.
we all go out alone,
but if i could go back,
i'd change that last memory.

i wish i was there holding your hand.
it would comfort me if i knew you understood,
how badly i wanted to be there with you.
i never got to say goodbye
and it makes me cry, so i cry, i can't stop crying.

if love is eternal, then you'll never be gone.
i want to make you proud.
but i never did while you were alive.
and i doubt i've improved since you've been dead.
but God as my witness, i keep trying.

i never stop trying to live up to your standards.
even though your voice in my head is fading,
certain moments bring you back to me again.
and i desperately want to hold on to you.

hold on to the sound of your laughter.
hold on to your radiant smile.
even if it makes me cry.
so i'll sit here on this night,
when you went into the light
and cry, i'll keep on crying for you, Mom!

Thought Four

The day is dark and dreary.
The rain comes down icy cold.
I feel so at home on days like this.
It's like my mind is a canvas and it's painted the world with a reflection of itself.
I want to wrap my arms around me and pretend I don't like the cold.
But I know I embrace it.
My eyes are twitching and itching to cry, but I still hold the tears back.
I see crying as surrendering to reality.
I am not ready to give up on me.
Someday, somewhere out there, there's got to be someone who will love me.

The Road

Driving into the night under the vast black satin sky
Stars sprinkled across its canvas
I sit and ponder what just happened
You said Goodbye and Here I am crying into the night

I pass a sign telling me where I am
There are signs telling me where I’ve been
Signs about dangerous curves ahead
I saw no signs that you and I were going to end
You said Goodbye and here I am crying into the night

The road lulls me
The hum of the engine comforts me
My thoughts follow the bends in the road
I wish I had windshield wipers on my eyes
Because I’m crying like a hard driven rain
Here I am crying into the night

I am lost without a place to pull over and ask for directions
I am broken down and there’s no tow truck to call
I am wrecked but there’s been no collision
I have blown it and my tires are fine
You said Goodbye
You said Goodbye…