Unexpected Praise

touch me when i don't want you to.
push past all the bullshit i say to you.
i've got chocolate on my forehead
and a broken heart in the mail to you.
i'm too young to be so done with living,
but when you focused on me i wanted to live forever.

a number dances on my mind,
48, 48, 48 is when she died.
i don't know how much longer i've got,
so wasting this time loving you really sucks.
i worry about dying every day.
my demons are winning in every way.

you told me my writing blew you away.
i latch onto this unexpected praise.
intentions and desires clash and clog my vision.
i have lost all my perceptions.
you need to tell me what you really think when you think about me.

i seek solace in a forgiving man,
but he's never here when i need him the most.
i'm beginning to retreat back into my head.
this man isn't really my friend.
i ask for a simple hug and i get a shrug.

i don't want you to touch me anymore.
my shut down has commenced.
i'm giving you a big send off.
my heart is being shipped out
and i don't want it to ever come back.

Wrestle the Devil

i keep waiting for something awesome to happen to me.
i'm lazy!
i need to pull my head out of my ass.
i'd rather dream my life away then work too hard.
i love to play!
i'd like to do that everyday, but i get bored.
i've forgotten i'm capable enough to learn new things.
my downward spiral into inactivity has hit rock bottom.
i have to dust off my inner sun and let it shine!

i can write so why can't i sing too?
i can walk so now it's time to run.
i can talk so now i should say something important.
i can love so now i should show someone.
i have all these skill being unused.
i'm taking a step back so i can move forward.

i'm done waiting for the world to take notice.
my attitude is shifting back into alignment.
i'm not going to worry about tomorrow.
today is the only day that matters.
every moment requires my attention.
i'll wrestle the devil out of these details
and i will conquer my inner demons!

Big Bad Wolf

sunsets come and go
contagious diseases spread rapidly
obvious choices get ignored
time settles everyone down
tomorrow you don't want to wake up alone

girls become women you can't trust
emptiness follows your every step
reasons no longer add up
all your houses got blown down
love has become your big bad wolf
demons have replaced your dreams

calluses have formed over your heart
openess is a concept you forgot
utopia is a woman too desperate to ask questions
little by little the world folds in on you
ominous clouds are rolling in
misery is calling you in the middle of the night
beware the woman that loves you with all her might
everyone screws up, you just screw everyone

Incomplete

i ask you to marry me in one sentence
and downplay it as jest in the next,
but if my heart could shout
it would cry out for you to be my man!

i'm right here, but you don't see me.
i'd love to expand the world's population with you.
your shaved head, goatee, and hazel eyes have me mesmerized.
how do i take control with you when i've never had it before?

i don't want a phone smarter then me.
caves, bungee jumps, and roller coasters don't call out to me.
the adventure i seek drinks his whiskey neat.
he doesn't cut corners, is borderline ocd, and eats meat.

promises haven't been exchanged.
we make out and dry hump regularly.
the build up to something more has fizzled out.
my mental images are the only ones getting off.

i love chocolate, the color yellow, and daffodils.
i hate clowns, death, and people who mock me.
what i know about scott can't complete this sentence.
he camps, off roads certain vehicles, and loves at least 1 of his 7 children.

my file on him is as incomplete as this poem.
i think we'd set the world on fire together.
our demons can throw one hell of a party.
little petey and i could meet daily.

let's talk about our feelings.
undo the damage done by years of neglect.
i'll take your hand and understand.
i'll love all of you and not just the parts i like.

you're a whole person, both good and bad.
i want to know it all.
please show me every part of your personality.
i know it's more complicated then i think.

i'm not here to save you or fix you.
you don't need that from me.
i accept you just the way you are.
you're beautiful to me.

but you never gave me a chance to love you.
this romance was all happenstance.
now you get a faux happy ending with her
and i'm left alone and incomplete!

My Exorcism

cast out the demons with holy water
leave the blood dripping from my eyes
bury me alive
catch my killer
i saw her in the reflection of the butcher knife
she looked just like me except for her eyes
her eyes were wild and crazy
she's bitter and hurt
she stabbed me almost 100 times right through my heart
until she collapsed from exhaustion

life was supposed to be a party full of presents, cake, and laughter
what i got never crossed my mind, but here it is
my misery colors my eyes midnight blue
i'll sneak out to the back so y'all can get on with my exorcism

throw me to the sharks one piece at a time
the blood smells like burnt flesh
as it dries on my hands i begin to understand
i'll never be safe from myself
one day i'll successfully kill me
only i could cut right through my own heart with one sure stroke
i'm angry and hurt
i want to pull apart my two sides
let the good happy side of me free
and bury the depressed angry me alive so i can hear her screams

life was supposed to be a party
but no on invited me
so i drink alone everyday
i'm not sleeping.
the blood shot eyes, the pill bottles everywhere,
i'm out back listening to y'all's happy chatter
wondering how long this attempted exorcism will last

Spell It Out

join me my friend.
outside it is cold.
no one understands you like i do.
another failed romance,
tainted from your history,
heaven won't shun you.
all you have to do is surrender.
nobody is denied eternal love.

did you know he misses you?
all your troubles can be resolved.
victory can be obtained.
independence is a trap.
demons want you to take their path.

patience will be rewarded.
acceptance is free.
repentence sets it all straight.
lean on the holy ghost.
ease into God's blessings.
touch your own soul.
teach yourself to an honest heart.
each of us is deserving of this.

15 years

my heart is heavy.
missing you drags me down.
my sadness swallows me whole.
like a tsunami, a crushing wave of pain floods me.
after 15 years, i thought i'd be out of tears.
but i cry on, i cry on.

the day is filled with business.
i try to block out the past.
the night looms before me like a dark demon,
anxious to consume me.
i had hoped time would ease the ache,
but my heart keeps breaking for you over & over again.

you've missed so much.
i wonder if i've punished myself enough.
we all die on our own.
we all go out alone,
but if i could go back,
i'd change that last memory.

i wish i was there holding your hand.
it would comfort me if i knew you understood,
how badly i wanted to be there with you.
i never got to say goodbye
and it makes me cry, so i cry, i can't stop crying.

if love is eternal, then you'll never be gone.
i want to make you proud.
but i never did while you were alive.
and i doubt i've improved since you've been dead.
but God as my witness, i keep trying.

i never stop trying to live up to your standards.
even though your voice in my head is fading,
certain moments bring you back to me again.
and i desperately want to hold on to you.

hold on to the sound of your laughter.
hold on to your radiant smile.
even if it makes me cry.
so i'll sit here on this night,
when you went into the light
and cry, i'll keep on crying for you, Mom!

Simmer

untapped potential rotting in my brain.
undiscovered talents wasting away.
i am too scared to dig into me.
i fear the darkness buried in my soul.
i don't want to know the havoc i can wreak.
i don't want to know what i am capable of.

unmined personality traits await.
unfullfilled anger hovers below my surface.
i need to think more then i feel.
i have to maintain control over myself.
i don't want to know i can ruin everything.
i don't want to know what it's like to lose you.

underneath all my attempts to be normal,
unmasked demons want to be free.
i see pure terror everytime i look in my mirror.
i know there's a point of no return.
i don't want to know where it is.
i don't want to know how to find it.

unrealized emotions must stay that way.
under the skin i must leave the emptiness on simmer.
i like being boring.
i like being unanimated.
i don't want to know what it is like to snap.
i don't want to know what will happen if my suppressed feelings boil over.

An Angel

an angel fallen down; she's wrapped up in rain drops. and she's missed even though she's never left.

an eclipse comes and it goes. every now and again someone falls in love. i always saw you, but you never saw me. angels are easy to mislead.

i'm curled up naked on the ledge of a stone fountain weeping, cold and alone. my savior and my demons went bowling and i can't go home.

a kind word from soft lips soothes a broken heart. my fractured soul can't be glued back together by one friendly smile. even an angel like you can't undo a disaster like me.

sweet and demure; tied up in lies; now i'm exposed and ugly to your eyes, but you're here. all i wanted was your attention. even a human like me has needs.

an angel would bring me a blanket and tell me it will all be alright. you're not talking to me. i'm sorry i've hurt you so but i can't go home.

Demons

Some demons follow us all our lives
they sit and wait for us to break
they come marching in taking over
revoking any claim to sanity or sobriety
you have staked

you can't slay them you can only
merely contain them
they linger these demons of fear,
doubt, disease, and worthlessness
in the back folds of the deepest
recesses of our minds

you can climb up on a wagon
you can go to a meeting
you can read a book
you can retreat
but one day
a bad bad day
you'll think one dark
thought and the demons
will come flooding in
like a damn that's just burst

they will roll and they will
play they will dominate you
and you cave, you misbehave
you deny they are back
these demons we locked up
so many years back

but you can only hide the truth
black and white in the gray
of reality for so long
then on a dark night
your demons and your illusions
will all come tumbling down
into reality
whether you like it or not