Fat and Blame

i've backed myself into the corner again.
i sit there likes it's the only place that ever felt like home.
my troubles replay on an infinite loop.
the more i change the more i end up here.
my hopes are washed away by my tears.
the fears harbor me and i hold them near.
i begged myself to let go of the past, but my chains are pure titanium!

faces and places lose their impact.
i can't remember what i forgot.
all the nonsense makes sense to me.
my thoughts form but never sink in.
i'm treading water but afraid to swim.
i want one person to accept as i am, but no one cares!

i laugh for no reason.
these up's and down's are my seasons.
i could convict my soul for high treason.
i handed out my heart like it's replaceable.
i keep getting angry at my disgraceful behavior, but i'm addicted to the danger!

fat and blame circle my bones like a vulture.
i can't continue to sustain this new me.
i feel my pounds creeping back onto me.
i can't say i'm eating out of misery because i'm so damn happy!
i fear this will come to a bad end, but i can't walk away from him.

Iron Will

my iron will has rusted out
leaving me susceptible to your smarmy charms.
there's no coffin big enough to hold all my doubts,
but i'll bury myself under your false pretenses.

my escape must be flawless.
i've super glued my smile on my face.
the duct tape holds my heart in place.
i can't chase you when you aren't running.
i have to laugh at how i thought you were sincere.

my fallacy was assuming you knew how to tell the truth.
i'm exhausted from arguing with myself.
i don't have any self-esteem left to give you.
support for us is down to my left pinky finger and i'm ready to cut it off.

my ears are burning from the lies you say.
i've stuffed my heart with fat to kill it.
i'd rather die at my own hands then your demands.
misery is lonely that is why it craves company.

my cognitive distortion was my thinking you'd leave her.
magical thinking can't bring me satisfaction.
your animal magnetism blew me away.
i felt you inside of me so the emotions must be real.

my groundless accusations are gaining traction.
i was told you like dirt better then having sex with me.
you're crazy to think this hasn't become personal.
i don't want to jump to conclusions, but you leave me no where else to go.

my discretion is growing from a whisper to a shout.
the lies must stop before they take over.
i disappear behind the cold wind of winter.
for now i think i can keep a lid on myself,
but i can't tell you it's forever or just until tomorrow.

Gluttony

i am sick from my own gluttony.
unable to control my urges,
i stuff my face complusively.
hating myself with every bite i chew.
the revolution comes undone,
by my own mouth, i am hung.

sickened physically from my heavy fat.
imprisoned by my lack of control.
this won't be the last time i quit.
not even one month into it.
i wish i could say i'm surprised,
but that would just be another lie.

do i pull the plug completely?
or do i suck it up and try again?
i think i can one minute,
then i see a cheeseburger ad
and think i can't.
i'm a slave to my desires,
but i'm never satisfied.

gluttony sweeps me up in it's sweet tastes.
i'm always alone but never free.
i've fallen victim to artificial needs.
if only i could quit food,
but i love to eat.
and i'm starting to think i love it more then breathing.
what's a fat girl to do,
when even writing about food makes her hunger?

Crumbs

crumbs on my sweater make me laugh.
age hasn't made me any neater.
i'm clumsy and weak.
you'd never believe all of my stories.
the times i have just fallen over
or the black eye i got from a carton of ice cream.

i'm packing up my emotional baggage
it's going on vacation.
somewhere nice, so it can relax.
it's been burned out for a long time.
i'm gonna miss it, but not the bitterness that went with it.

crumbs on the desk make me smile.
i'm always making a mess.
i'm content and fat.
you'd never guess i'm germ-a-phobic.
the way i avoid public restrooms
and won't eat at a buffet.

i'm discarding my mental defects.
they're going to retire.
somewhere far away from here,
so they can't come back to haunt me.
i'm not gonna worry about them anymore.

crumbs all over the place.
it's just who i am.
so much more then how i eat.
i need to give myself a break.
i need to leave crumbs,
so i can always find my way back.

Hair

I sit here staring at the ground.
My hair hangs around my face.
My hair doesn't seem my own.
I tug on it and my body feels pain,
confirming that this hair is mine.
The same hair I see everyday in the mirror,
but the mirror lies to me.

Like the reverse of a harvest moon,
I see too little when I look in the mirror.
But as Uncle Jerry said, "God, You've gotten huge!"
These eyes of mine deceive me.
I feel as if I am the shadow of my former self.
I am projecting that image onto the mirror.
I've finally perfected my hair,
but the rest of me is in disrepair.

Happiness is advertised as the public's reflection of everyone else's opinion.
Aspiring to minimize your size and maximize your best features.
I have fallen into a state of denial.
I'm rejecting anything that threatens to polish me.
I see myself through hair covered eyes.
I am leaving societal conventions shattered on the ground,
in the reflection of the scattered shards of my broken mirror.
Egressing back to happier food filled days,
asking no question of why I am this way.
I'm vexing my own weaknesses until
I end on a note of uncomfortable acceptance I cease to care.

Monkey on My Back

I carry you around, a literal monkey on my back.
I carry you in my veins, a dna programmed heart attack.
I see you around my throat strangling me.
My crusty elbows and swollen ankles feel your weight too.

But no more! Today I begin a journey to be free of you.
The here is now. My turn has come.

I hum a victory tune because I have conquered you.
I throw away the memories.
I'll rebuild my self-esteem one lover's caresse at a time.
No more are you mine.

I hold my head up higher then the mountain tops.
I hold my spirit above your hateful presence.
I can see my future in a better light without our constant fights.

I'm finally free of you.
The here is now. My turn has come.

I do a little dance of happiness because I've banished you.
I tossed out your negativity.
I've found my voice again.
One day at a time I'll rejoice.
No more are you mine.

I packed up the monkey on my back and I'm never going back.
My body is shedding your image.
I'm getting closer to who I see in my head as me.

Now let's hum and dance until we collapse
because you aren't mine anymore.

Bag of Bones

I'm a bag of bones with folds of fat all around.
I top off my stomach before I top off my gas tank.
Either way it's expensive to live today.

Distrust invades every part of me.
Every person I see I wonder what they'd take from me.
I can't break free from the damage you did to me.
The truth doesn't matter to me anymore.

I'm out of control.
Yes, I know.
My self-discipline has gone into exile.
If it sounds good, smells good or looks good I want it.
It's too easy to let yourself rot today.

Our dissolution felt more like a disillusionment.
The wear and tear upon my heart has got me ran down.
Another chance to love feels like a trap.
I just run.
The truth doesn't matter to me anymore.

I feel like a sea cow driven to near extiction,
Because I'm too nice to bite the mean people.
I have trouble standing up for myself.
It's easier to follow then to lead today.

The truth doesn't matter to me anymore.

Consumer

I'm full, belly round, gutteral moans
are my only sound. I over consumed again.
I doomed myself with free pancakes.
I miss my self-control.
I don't think past my plate.
I hate myself.
I hate my mouth.
I hate to eat but it's a need.

I ache, back arched, dull throbs
attack my nervous system.
My extra poundage is breaking me down.
I know what I need to do.
I know I won't be able to do it.
I hate myself.
I hate my brain.
I hate to admit I need help.

I consume, arms outstretched, wallet empty
and credit card strip worn out.
I can't control my urges.
I miss my ability to walk away.
I am not strong enough to say no.
I hate myself.
I hate my consumptional ways.
I hate that only death will free me.

Cheetos

my crime is all over my fat hands and shirt. the orange dust, instantly identifies i finished a whole bag of CHEETOS in the car on my way home from work

so slow-ly, so slow, slow, slowly, so slowly, I'm eating myself to death

i had a hot fudge cake, whip cream, no cherry, saved me a calorie. drove home with the windows down on a hot summer's day. i sweated hot fudge sauce from every pore it poured out of me.

so slow-ly, so slow, slow, slowly, so slowly, I'm eating myself to death

I got my 5 way today with 3 cheese coneys with everything at Gold Star Chili and I washed it all down with a big glass of ice water, cutting back on the extra fattiness these days

so slow-ly, i'm so slowly, we're slowly, i'm slow----ly, america is slow, slow, slowly, eating ourselves to death. Rock on Fat People like ME, now I really do want a bag of CHEETOS, not CHEETAHS!!!!

Hate

I hate the world. I hate the world.
Stop the planet I want to get off.
I hate this place. I hate my face.
I hate world peace. I hate your crossed eyes.
I hate my thighs, My fat ugly thighs.
I hate heights, my rage builds me up.
Then I explode, but you keep coming around.
Get out of here, I don't want you here.
I hate you. I hate you. You're disgusting.
You're ugly. You're nothing.
Then I walk away from the mirror.

My mission is clear. hate. hate. hate.
I hate myself. I hate a sunny day.
I hate blue skies. I love dark and gloomy,
every day should be that way.
It's charcoal black inside of my heart.
My hate has festered and ripped it apart.
I hate my dreams. I hate my schemes.
I hate to lie. I hate my hands.
I hate these demands. I hate you and I hate me too.
I have hate for breakfast.
I have hate for lunch.
I have hate for dinner.
And self-loathing is my dessert.
damn, it hurt to hate this much.

I hate my bulbous nose.
I hate my yellow teeth.
I hate my big fat hairy toes.
I bet you ain't got any of those.
I hate my laugh. mock me while you can.
I hate you. I hate me. I hate the world I see.
The world hates me too.
I've got pure hate running through my veins.

My hate keeps me up late.
My hate makes me think.
I need to find more way to hate.
I hate to eat. I hate to throw up.
I hate to starve. I hate sharks.
I hate being smart. I hate by belly button.
I hate being naked. I hate happines..
I hate myself the most. I hate to hate me.
but feeling hate is better then feeling nothing.
I hate me and I hate you too.

Fat White Girl

Watch me pull this rabbit out of my ass! Gasp! See the fat white girl, she’s such a jackass. Does she think she’ll pass and become a multi-platinum album selling white female rapper? The first to get the accolades and the parades. The one to bring home a Grammy, moon men, and a Oscar. She’s delusional. The girl is losing it.

Lock her up in the suburbs and buy her a mini-van. Get her that husband and 2 and half kids. Don’t forget the dog and the PTA. That’s what that fat white girl’s future is supposed to be. Give it up Blondie! There ain’t nobody want to see you on a stage.

You ain’t even pretty. How you going to get famous ugly? Down another cookie and a dr. pepper, cause every one knows in this biz you need 6 pack abs, a big rack, and a tight ass to get a record deal.

There ain’t no fat people on idol that stay for long. So go back to the burger king and super size those fries then go to the fucking mall. Because fat white bitch that’s where you belong.

Useless Desires

Resolution - I have lots of useless desires. They keep me from moving forward. I revolve around fulfilling them. I make lists about them. I save money for them. I dream about them. My life is frozen by my useless desires.

I neglect my needs. All my energy is gone. I sit on my ass all day long. I’ve been entrenched for almost a decade in a sedentary life style. As I’ve tried to stop the expansion of my waistline I’ve sacrificed my self-esteem. No longer is the future this optimistic place to be. I fear heart disease.

How do I gain control when I let my self-discipline leave ten years ago? Who will hold me now? I know I’m beyond hope. Higher and higher I climb on the slipper slope of obesity holding my breath as each medical report hits that I won’t fall right into my grave.

I have run out of excuses to give. My existence teeters on me changing who I let myself become. No book or pill can help me when I won’t help myself. I hate sweat. I hate lettuce. But I also hate being a size 22 and running out of breath just walking to my door.

I’m at the edge of a cliff. Do I jump or do I step back and live? I don’t know what to do and no one else can do this for me. January and New years are coming. Will I stick to the new path or come undone?

I have to break a lot of bad habits. Chocolate is my heroine. Cheese is my alcohol. Pop is my vicodin. It’s got to end before I’m buried 6 feet deep in a damp dark hole. I’ve known this for years, yet the pattern continues.

I eat to soothe, to cheer, to pass the time. I’ve never known hunger. I’ll never be full. Up on the wagon I’ll go. Lock me in and take away the ho ho’s. I’m going to be a bitch. But it’ll get better. God, it has to get better!

Pander to Me

Cookies, cakes, brownies and pies are all the things I love
Chocolate, Dr. Pepper, donuts and ice cream are all the things I crave.
Mac and cheese, cheesy fries, cheese coneys, and a big bacon classic with cheese are all the things that go straight to my hips.
These lips of mine keep sinking me deeper into this quagmire of fat.
I’m stuck in a vicious calorie cycle. Gluttony for one coming up.

I want my baby back, baby back ribs.
Where’s the beef?
Hershey’s is happiness?
B O L O G N A?
Be you, do what you do!!!

I hear it everyday. I see it everywhere. Pander to me. Pander to me.

Sell me what I don’t need.
Brainwash me to believe I have to caress before I dress.
And that calgon will take it all away.
Credit cards are the way to pay.
Yes, yes, it’s the American way.

Pander to me. Pander to me. Pander to me. I like it that way.

Bad Day

I’m having a bad day
Just go away
Leave me be to my insanity
Society has crushed my self – esteem
Every magazine I read says
I shouldn’t look like me
Every TV show I see
Is telling me I shouldn’t act like me
When did being me get to be so wrong
Where did being an individual get gonged
You want the pretty face
The perfect body
The woman to match every hottie on MTV you see
But that ain’t me
I’m curvy, bubbly, and lovable
Cute, cuddly, and huggable
But I don’t match
I don’t wear watches and rings
I’m not pretty enough for you anyways
Every one knows what is in
But what’s in isn’t who I am
I do what I like
And wear what feels good
That just being me
What I wear isn’t in the fashion zines
It’s not being catwalked in Milan
It’s just sweats, shorts, and jeans
T-shirts and nail polish
What’s a woman got to do
To get a man to see what’s true
Every day woman don’t have a stylist
I am just lucky to get my hair to lay flat
Society has wrecked my chances
I am too far outside the norm
When will you recognize
A woman like me is perfect for a man like you?

Zingers, Ho Ho’s, and Oreo Cakester’s Oh My!

Lately, I've been swallowing my sorrow in the shape and form of many a chocolate treat. The concept of the treats are the same. They are all chocolate. They are all fattening. They are all the best invention since sliced bread. I wish I could blame PMS but that's a week or so away. I wish I could say I'm horribly depressed, but I smiled and laughed today. I wish they had no calories. The zingers I adore. The creamy dreamy middle's that send my taste buds into heaven. The cool glass of skim milk that washes it all down, doesn't make the chocolate oreo cakester's a well balanced meal. I've bought the hostess cupcakes on a whim. I resisted the little debbie fudge rounds, but succumbed to nutter butter's instead. Oh, when will this cornucopia of chocolate end?

I do love chocolate, but it doesn't love me. My hips are wider, the numbers on the scale are climbing higher, and my cravings are louder then ever before. What chocolate treat shall i seek out next. I must control myself. I must withhold that which i cannot resist and learn to go without chocolate to exist.

I am a choc-aholic. I'm Shannon and I approve this message.

I am sad

I am sad
I am lonely
I feel like crying
I am fat
I am ugly
I can’t shut up
I am up
I am down
I just hate life
“I am lost inside myself. I am twisted in a knot of despair.”
“I can’t break free and tell you about me, because I don’t know who I am”
I am hurt
I am angry
I get left out
I am deaf
I am blind
I have no heart
I am outside
I am beside
I never get inside
“I am lost inside myself. I am twisted in a knot of despair.”
“I can’t break free and tell you about me, because I don’t know who I am”
I am here
I am there
I do not know you
I am scared
I am confused
I cannot feel you
I am numb
I am mute
I just am
“I am lost inside myself. I am twisted in a knot of despair.”
“I can’t break free and tell you about me, because I don’t know who I am”
I just am.