Bat Shit Crazy

you filled me up a couple of times.
i feed upon your need of me.
you know the tip of my iceberg,
but what lies below my pink flesh is deep.
i don't know yet if it'll sink us or if you can swim through this!

i see rough waters ahead.
you aren't the only one with crazy in the genes.
my own blood fights sensible choices.
you tell me you're the normal one compared to who you're related to.
in my family i'm the normal one too, but i'm still bat shit crazy!

i fear exposing all of who i am to you.
scenarios play out to a captive audience in my head.
my dreams are filled with doom and gloom.
the economy looks robust compared to my hopes for us.
i count the days we've been together.
i'm amazed i've held it together this long.
you're the calm in the eye of my inner storm.
i hope you're strong!

i want to be swept away by you.
pick me up and carry me away.
be my calgon!
be my hero!
i put too much baggage upon your shoulders.
i fret about you throwing out your back.
right now it's alright, but i know how quickly the tides change.

i don't get you all the time.
i'm a small piece in the puzzle of your life.
my greed pushes me to plead for more of you.
right now you're flattered and amused.
i believe the power i give to you binds you too.
we've bonded to each other's weaknesses.
i'm hoping by the time you see my flip side you're in to deep to flee.

the swing moves even when i'm not in the seat.
my emotions constantly push it.
sometimes it's gentle, back and forth,
almost hypnotic, it sways.
but sudden and violent changes take place.
up in the air i go, higher then i can fly.
back over dead territory and digging up graves,
then i jump for my life
and down to the ground i crash and cave!

be proud you say!
be you you say!
i believe i still love you.
sometimes i will say or do harm to you.
forgive me when you throw me away.
i know what i'm doing but i do it anyways.
bat shit crazy makes me this way!
sometimes

Cheesy Rhyme

you make me ache. you make me quake.
this fire you've sparked burns out the dark.
i won't hesitate to be the one thing you celebrate.
my entire heart's at stake, please take!

lonely and bored you found me and made me your whore.
i hunger for your touch. i love you too much.
i adore your ambition. i am ready to receive your ammunition.
you have a lock on my heart, you hold the key to me!

bring it to me. have me choke it down!
hold on to me, even while you make me drown!
this fever grips me inside out! make me yearn!
i don't want you to ever stop! make me burn!

you have my heart in your hands. do you understand?
this ground i'm on is moving fast. do you think we'll last?
life didn't prepare me for you. will you teach me the drill?
i'm sinking into your quicksand. will you offer me your hand?

i meditate to the tune of your heart beat. i swoon when you sweep me off my feet.
there's no where else for me to fall. i have to have you all!
please cum in me tonight! i beg you to give me your baby to make it alright!
the thought of you inside me makes me hunger for you all night!

deep inside of my soul you awoke my dead dreams.
i had lost all my hopes until i stared into your hazel eyes for the first time.
now i pace with anticipation of your every kiss.
i can't express how much i miss you when you're gone.

i'm falling harder and faster then ever before.
you're the one i'm betting it all on.
i won't quit until every last bit of you is mine.
our hearts are becoming synchronized!

i read every text a million times. i want you all the time.
i can't let this go. i can't let you be.
i hang on every word you speak. you make me weak.
this will never be enough. i adore you way to much.

i spin around like i'm dancing on a cloud.
you've become my drug. i crave you insatiably.
you're my lover extraordinary under the covers.
i suck you dry to get my fix! we are the perfect mix!

i talk about you all day! my friends wish you'd go away.
i want to ride you like there's no tomorrow.
i want to make us both scream and holler.
whatever the price i will pay it to get you to stay!

this feeling elevates me to crown you my king.
i worship every move you make.
i long for you to touch me and make me shake.
there's nothing i'd rather do then to fuck you!

you've overtaken my senses. you leave me defenseless.
i'm blinded by your light. only you make wrong seem right.
i think about you day and night.
no cheesy rhyme can capture what we have with each other.

i still try to document all these emotions running over me.
my static vision focuses only on your cares.
i want to fly away with you somewhere near.
where time won't pass and we can retire into each other at last!

It Hurts

my life has been swallowed by my fantasies.
i don't want to be brave.
i want to run!
i want to hide!
life has become a burden.
i want to escape reality and it hurts.

i wonder throughout the sterile hallways of my brain.
i continue to search for my happiness, but it hurts.
i've closed off my emotions.
i can't afford the luxury of falling in love and it hurts.

my hopes rise too easily and my hopes burn out too quickly.
i have 100% turn around.
i know my life wasn't always a merry-go-round of pain.
i can't rewind me and it hurts.

i want him to want to be with me.
i shouldn't have to beg, lie, or plea.
i see his light and i'm greedy.
i want to be in his spotlight, but that's not what we are.
he's not that into me and it hurts.

my destiny has to be more then lying around in my PJ's all day.
i swear i'm beginning to understand what the dog is saying.
i'm all alone and it hurts.
my world is shrinking and it hurts.

Button

he should be angry but he's not.
i should've found a button to push by now, but i've not.
he's unpredictable and it's freaking me out.
he zigs when i zag.
he'd driving me mad!

desire flares my nostrils and dilates my pupils.
physically he provokes uncontrollable responses from me.
emotionally he confuses the fuck out of me.
i can't figure him out.
maybe he's playing me, but i got to find out.

he says one thing and does another.
i say i'm done, but i can't walk away.
he's never what i expect him to be.
he brings out every side of me.
he's always one step ahead of me!

happiness makes me smile and laugh.
cosmically he makes me feel alive again.
mentally we're acting like teenagers.
i'm unable to process all these emotions.
maybe it's time to run!

Every Minute

for every minute i'm up there's 10 that i'm down,
but i hide the sad from you.
your wants supercede mine.
i drift away into impossible thoughts.
knowledge cripples my emotions.
i would abandon reason to be your friend.

our bridge is barely standing.
i keep chipping away at its foundation.
the urge to blow us all to hell tackles me to the ground.
destruction makes me feel.
i don't deserve to be close to you.

you aren't responsible for me.
we were two limbidos doing a vertical limbo.
you can let go because you never held on.
we'll never know how high we could've gone.
i imploded from arguments we only had in my head.
there's a thousands of words i heard that you never said.

crazier things happen every day.
why can't you be with me?
obstacles are meant to be overcome.
there's never still water in your heart.
i'm too unique and hard to forget.
i leave an imprint.

for every minute i spend without you there's 10 i'm wanting to hold you,
but i hide the love from you.
your dreams trump mine.
i build you up in my fantasies.
obsession takes over all logic.
i would kill her to keep you here with me till the end.

I Dare You

i avoid real emotion when i can.
it's not hard if you try.
i use my empty bottles to countdown my life.
make me live, come on and do it!
i dare you.

i dance side to side then in a little circle.
i have no idea why.
it is what it is and that's what i do.
i'm not happy.
the sad is all too real.
love has left me deaf, dumb, and blind,
what has love done to you?

colors have become as bland as i am.
i'm washed out.
my apathy swells to ranges only reached by a blue robed choir.
my eyes are damp with teas that never get cried.
i'd tell you a secret but it would just be a lie.

i spin around my living room falling over furniture like a total spaz.
i've got no reason to tell you why i do these things.
if i could act normal i wouldn't bother to try.
my little quirks keep me entertained.
what enterains you on a rainy depression soaked day?

surrounded by people i am unattached.
i got a birthday coming up real quick.
makes me think i've accomplished shit.
oh, well, at least there's no where else to go.

i lay flat on the floor.
i'm sprawled out trying to fill up this small room.
i'm attempting to send a pulse down every nerve.
but i'm not feeling anything at all.
this is perfect numbness.

i could try to remember all the ones i've loved.
but the losses are all i can recall.
my veins run cold with the ice of death's breath.
i hear the chanting of their ghosts singing me a sweet note.

sing to me, sing to me, sing to me, sing to me
sing to me, sing to me, sing to me, sing to me please
i miss your voices
i miss having choices
tell me to breathe, i dare you!

I Forget or Shallow Pool

a waterfall of tears rain down my cheeks into my shallow pool of emotions.
i've been doing construction to rebuild the good soldier.
i used to be able to go 24/7 and not let life slow me down
and i never brokedown to cry.
although i'm lost, people look at me with hope in their eyes.
i need to get better at hiding how sick i've become.

auction off my soul to the lowest ebay bidder.
there's nowhere to go but down.
i hit the bottom and i keep digging into the stone of my heart.
i forget all the time what once was mine.
like you. like her. like happiness.
i forget it all so easily.

the trappings of success are seductively soft.
i want just to want.
my own desires a mirror of what i see on the tv set.
i don't know what i want because you haven't told me yet.
i can't finish...

pick up what's left of my smile.
it used to light up the world.
now i've metamorphosised into despair wrapped up in layers of lies.
i'm scared i'll let go and loose control.
i'm too destructive to be in the public eye.
if i were a rabid dog i'd been euthanized for everyone's safety by now.

burnt beyond recognition, i try to pass for a humane human being.
the clock tells me time is running out.
the calendar marks off the days until my final performance.
i always overstay my welcome.
i crash into lives uninvited.
i already tried to be someone i'm not.
it's just time for me to stop!

A Little Rumor

a little rumor about you and me is going around
i swear i only said three words, he's my type.
the buzz has begun, where do these things come from?
you've got my curiousity in overdrive.
i fear the talk will drive you away,
but it's not my fault!

my words have been taken out of context.
i said i think you're cute,
but i never said anything that would hurt.
you're backing up and changing course.
my emotions can't run their course.
you are under the influence of other people's opinions.

a little rumor has gotten it all wrong.
i want you badly but you don't know what to do.
you're hovering over me like a lone rain cloud.
my desires are getting the best of me.
i'll make a promise to you to never speak of you again.
will that settle your skittish nerves?
i'm not the one that is cheating on someone.
tell me please, what the hell do you want from me?

Healthy

the days are passing by me in a blur.
the redundancy in my work is gettting on my nerves.
i hate what i do sometimes.
i know that's not healthy,
but my feelings erupt abruptly at times.

the nights are long lonely hours.
my sleep is plagued with taunts of love.
i wake up sad.
i know it's not healthy,
but my subconscious likes to toy with me.

the weekends are full of errands.
i think if i keep moving the depression won't catch me.
i had ideas of grandeur at one time.
i know denial isn't healthy,
but it's the only thing that keeps the pain at bay.

the hours wind down on the clock.
i keep holding onto ghosts.
i am unable to resolve my internal conflicts.
i know i'm not healthy,
but i can't seem to heal my emotional wounds.

the alarm clock goes off at the same time every day.
if you compared yesterday to today, only the date would change.
i had dreams long ago.
i know regret isn't healthy,
so help me Jesus to let go and move on!

So Goes the TV

aw man what a day!
i was confused.
i was sad.
i was anxious.
i was well fed.

i was loud.
i was hyper.
i was bitchy.
i was gassy

nothing escaped me.
my mind fled the scene.
i was pure emotion.
rolling, just rolling on my hormonal waves.

so my kid has the tv on
and it amuses me,
but if she leaves,
so goes the TV!!!

How it Really Works

The best is yet to come, no it's not.
that's what they tell you when you're young
to keep the suicide rate low.
by the time you figure out that being adult sucks
you've got obligations,
like kids, and you stick it out for them,
but they sense your quiet desperation.
that's why we all grow up so fucked up.
deep down we know this is it.
there are no second chances.
there's no reverse or do overs.
and very few succeed or realize their dreams.

i know what negativity can do to a human brain.
mine is wasting away.
i've reinforced my own flaws
and now i'm passing them on.
the cycle seldom breaks.
i'm not the best, the greatest, or the most smartest.
i can live with that.
i get by, but what kills me is the lonely nights.
i feel so worthless lying in bed alone.
no one to hold.
one night stands or brief affairs fail to satisfy this ache.
my heart wants to love and be loved.
i fight it so damn hard because it's so damn corny.

but that's how life really works.
it's not just wanting something but letting yourself have it.
if the past is a glimpse into the future then i'm screwed.
cause i will fuck it up like i usually do.
most men can't handle my emotional pendulum.
i'd pray, but right now i'm mad at God.
i don't think he's listening to me.
i'm starting to wonder if it's all a gimmick
to get society to conform.
i guess the question isn't answered until you are dead.
so i'll pray again and again
and maybe one day God will listen to me again.

Deformed

i am deformed.
my scars are too big to hide.
their ugliness fills others with shame.
they avert their eyes away from me.
cut me, dissect me, take me apart
they try so hard to find my soul,
but it escaped from me a long time ago.

emotions bounce around me.
my emptiness swallows the sounds.
i have tried to hide in plain sight,
but someone always finds me out.
i don't belong.
i am not normal.

i've never experienced perfection.
my life is more instant karma then walking on sunshine.
i get kicked even after i am already down.
i can't recall a happy ending.
there has always been someone ruining it.

i am deformed.
my heart has turned to stone.
i've passed on many opportunities,
those people reaching out to fix me.
analyze me, medicate me, pray for me
they try so hard to reach my soul,
but its not home, it abandoned me a long time ago.

Leftover Mentality

i look at myself through stangers' eyes
and i realize i live my life with a leftover mentality.
i don't think i deserve anything new.
i buy second hand clothes, used cars, and repurposed furniture.
i try to take what has been neglected,
even when i have money i feel poor.

my newly uncovered flaw
shows me my greastest weakness of all;
i can't bestow kindness upon myself.
i believe in forgiving others debts,
but the message i've forgotten is to be merciful to myself.

i use my own emotions against me.
i weld my fear like a weapon,
going on the defensive when someone gets to close to home.
i bad mouth myself all the time.
it's hard to be thankful when i am the problem.

i have to let my inner hatred die.
inside my soul i have faith,
faith i am a good person.
i have to free myself from the chains i created.
i have to find my passion for living again!

Two of Me

simple, sweet, soft, and sure
memory, magic, madness, and mayhem
one minute i'm euphoric,
the highest of the high isn't high enough.
then i crash, fast and hard,
and for days i'm lower then the lowest low.
that's how my mood swings go.

i feel detached from my own mind,
like there's two of me inside.
one being is purely emotiona,l highly combustable like rocket fuel,
and the other calm, cold, and completly logical.
i never know who i'll be each day.
i'm fighting my own internal civil war every day.

quiet, quixotic, quick and quirky
reflective, reduced, remonstrative, and ruined
one minute i feel as if i've lived one day too long.
the seconds pass so slowly i can feel my body aging.
i can't bare to feel anything then i drift off to sleep,
and i awake invigorated and frenzied,
like i need to do a million things at once.

i feel unrelated to the ones around me,
like i was switched at birth.
i think i have a twin out in the world.
she's the evil twin and i'm the good twin
or am i the evil twin, my mind spins!
my thoughts spiral outward from myself,
then they bum rush me all at once.
i shut down from the overload of my senses.
i feel out numbered and surrounded!

calm, curious, confused and cornered
plans, phobias, pain and problems
one minute i am full speed ahead,
whipping out decisions at the speed of recklessness.
the next day i'm full of regrets.
i'm racked with guilt over missteps.
i want to turn back the clock and take it all back.
my whole life is a giant do over!

it's halloween every day.
i only change my mask.
i go from good witch to wicked witch in ten seconds flat.
i'm the evil villian then a super hero.
i'm a demon then an angel.
i don't know which one i want to be the most.
the days where i'm like everybody else,
or the days where i'm eating lunch by myself?
i wish there was an instruction manual on me,
or at least an off button to set me free.

acceptance, assumptions, answers, and avoidance
frustration, fearful, forgotten and foreshadowed
this is how i feel.
this is how i think.
this is real.
this is me
and i am bipolar!

Little Scraps of Paper

i document my feelings on little scraps of paper.
i have them tucked away in dark secret spaces,
wondering if any words can truly paint
an accurate picture of who i am.

the little scraps of paper are turning yellow.
the lead is fading and the ink smearing.
some of it is so light i can't read it anymore.
when the words disappear,
does part of me vanish with them?

i have written my life down.
sentences strung together haphazardly.
misspellings abound and i don't recall some of the emotions at all.
will anyone care that i felt so small?

i've built a papier-mache empire.
i surround myself with pens and post-it notes,
hoping to capture the elusiveness of my soul.
my pre-occupation with me prevents me
from forming meaningful attachements.
at least that's what a therapist told me long ago.

i spend hours speaking to the dead inside my head.
i'm trying to remember a forgotten friend.
i stand in the kitchen hoping to expose a fear,
but i end up eating chocolate
and writing on a napkin how i hope i choke.

i realize my little scraps of paper won't save me.
but i can't stop myself from adding to them.
when i die i want to be buried in a suit
made out of these little scraps of papers.
then i can review them with saint peter
as he decides if my immortal soul belongs in either heaven or hell.

Two Percent

caught up in my emotional hurricane,
never stopping to take a break.
one day i'm going to cave.
trying to hold up against the storm.
board up the windows and lock the doors.
i just got to wait until it fades.

no amount of prayer can bail me out.
the damage is all around me
and i can't find a way out.
i pick up the pieces
and try to clean up after myself,
but at the end of the day i am not done.
i worry it'll never be okay.

the clock has run out on me.
i can try but never do.
the rain pours down on me.
my inner winds never die down.
i've built up a person
i can't support.
there's nothing i can do,
but watch it all burn.

caught up in the wildfire of my mistakes.
unable to see through the smoke.
i'm trying to put out my misery,
but it's only two percent contained.
trying to hold off the collapse,
but the firing is rolling in,
and i don't have enough to put out the flames.
this the day i finally cave!

Simmer

untapped potential rotting in my brain.
undiscovered talents wasting away.
i am too scared to dig into me.
i fear the darkness buried in my soul.
i don't want to know the havoc i can wreak.
i don't want to know what i am capable of.

unmined personality traits await.
unfullfilled anger hovers below my surface.
i need to think more then i feel.
i have to maintain control over myself.
i don't want to know i can ruin everything.
i don't want to know what it's like to lose you.

underneath all my attempts to be normal,
unmasked demons want to be free.
i see pure terror everytime i look in my mirror.
i know there's a point of no return.
i don't want to know where it is.
i don't want to know how to find it.

unrealized emotions must stay that way.
under the skin i must leave the emptiness on simmer.
i like being boring.
i like being unanimated.
i don't want to know what it is like to snap.
i don't want to know what will happen if my suppressed feelings boil over.

Missing You Today

i'm missing you today.
like the echo of my voice,
i wish you'd come back.
my heart aches when i watch you move,
technology brings you back,
like a ghost I can't touch
the screen breathes life back into your memory.
i can remember the last time I heard your voice,
you told me you loved me and i said i love you too.
they wheeled you away to recovery,
but you never made it to tomorrow.
no you never made it out of the hospital.

i miss you today.
more then i have in years.
time takes away the pain,
until you see something that reminds you.
it's hard to be here without you.
i wonder who got the short end of the stick.
you aren't suffering and i'll i do is hurt.
i want to be free of this earthly plain,
but i'm not given up, that's God's plan,
i'm not superior enough to think i can decide
if i should live or die.
i wish you could tell me to snap out of it.
you always spoke up and told me like it is.
i thought i'd lost that, but i have him now.

i miss you today.
i think you'd like him better then me.
he keeps me in check, telling me when i'm crazy
he laughs at me when i'm silly
and he tells me what i need to hear
the truth rolls from his tongue and it's sweeter then sugar bombs.
you'd think it's about time, why did it take me so long.
you just wanted perfection for your little girl,
but i never measured up, but you loved me anyways.
i wanted to be more and i would give away the world
if i could just see your smile one more time.

i miss you today.
christmas plays emotional games on me.
i can't stop crying.
i wish i could go see you in some time warp.
a video is not enough.

Edge of Thought

i think it is time to stop the lie.
i have you on the edge of my thoughts.
i want to push you off and move forward.
but my heart keeps you coming around.
i can't kill your memory and i want to think,
but all i do is feel.

and if i'm feeling then i'm not thinking.
i'm not being who i want, when your image
holds me down. i want to push you out of my mind.
but you stay on the edge, the edge of every thought,
is your lips on mine. i can't keep living like this.

it is time to toss you out.
rip up the pictures along with my soul.
scatter the pieces of happy along the road,
burning my love down until the embers don't glow.
i can't escape the bad and i can't remember the good.
so all i do is feel sad.

and if i'm feeling then i'm not thinking.
i'm not free to be with someone else,
if you are walking around my head.
your words keeping popping up and
i want to shove you off the ledge, but
you linger on along the edge of my thoughts.

i don't deserve the wounds you gave me.
i keep picking at the scabs,
opening them up again and again.
the blood won't wash from my hands.
the damage is unending, the thoughts won't leave me.
you took what you could carry,
including all that was good in me.
i loved you so hard i emptied my heart out.
why can't i kill these feelings for you?

and if i'm feeling then i'm not thinking.
no, i'm not thinking clearly.
i'm trapped by you and no matter how much
i suppress you, you stay right there on
the edge of my every thought.
it's almost enough to make me jump.

Inspired

I am sad.
The light burns too bright for me.
The birds sing too loudly for me.
My heart beats too strongly for me.
I run and hide.
I try to hide from the world.
I am sad.

I am glad.
The rain is pouring down on me.
The tears are flowing from my eyes freely.
My soul is searing in glorious pain.
I am feeling.
I try to embrace the emotional tidal wave.
I am glad.

I am mad.
The man is telling lies to me.
The fool inside wants me to believe.
My mind yells he's playing a trick on me.
I am screaming.
I tried to avoid this moment for weeks.
I am mad.

Inspired in a spiral of see-sawing emotional diseasters.
I am every emotion.
I am no emotions.
I am sad.
I am glad.
I am mad.
This up has no down, but to turn my life around.
Inspired I spiral out of control dancing with my remote control.