Bring me Light

i can't find you here.
i've been searching everywhere, but you are nowhere near.
this hunt i'm on leaves me weary.
i've grown older and my soul is getting colder because i've lost you!

bring me light.
bring me warmth.
help me feel you again.
i read your words to light a fire in my heart, but nothing starts.
i can't find you anywhere!

I can't find you here.
An empty bottle brings me no solace.
my faith waivers.
i used to hear your voice.
now i've gone deaf.
the world spins around me and i fear its love.
i've gone off the path.

bring me light.
bring me warmth.
help me hear you again.
i bow my head in fervent prayer to light a fire in my soul, but nothing starts.
i can't find you at all!

i can't find you here.
the pill bottles are scattered across the counter.
all my pain remains unrelieved.
i used to see your influence all around me.
now all i see is greed and misery.
i can't overcome the visions of my past.
i've lost sight of your love!

bring me light.
bring me warmth.
help me see you again.
i open my eyes to see the good to light a fire in my mind, but nothing starts.
i can't see where you are God!
help me find you again!

Fat and Blame

i've backed myself into the corner again.
i sit there likes it's the only place that ever felt like home.
my troubles replay on an infinite loop.
the more i change the more i end up here.
my hopes are washed away by my tears.
the fears harbor me and i hold them near.
i begged myself to let go of the past, but my chains are pure titanium!

faces and places lose their impact.
i can't remember what i forgot.
all the nonsense makes sense to me.
my thoughts form but never sink in.
i'm treading water but afraid to swim.
i want one person to accept as i am, but no one cares!

i laugh for no reason.
these up's and down's are my seasons.
i could convict my soul for high treason.
i handed out my heart like it's replaceable.
i keep getting angry at my disgraceful behavior, but i'm addicted to the danger!

fat and blame circle my bones like a vulture.
i can't continue to sustain this new me.
i feel my pounds creeping back onto me.
i can't say i'm eating out of misery because i'm so damn happy!
i fear this will come to a bad end, but i can't walk away from him.

Misery's Bitch

did you find that rabbit hole where you were hoping to find your soul?
i fell into an invisible man.
he missed what he never did understand.
he's fed, fat and happy, but i'm plotting the perfect moment for my revenge.
the cold air nuzzles my neck and chokes on my cigarette.
i'm riding his hot air to the clouds and sliding to hell on his icy stare.
there's loves embrace and fear's kisses all jumbled up inside my memories of him.

do you keep her next to your shiny new car like a trophy that says you're a star?
she thinks you're in love with her, but we both know that's not true.
loneliness stalks you with every lie you utter to her.
she's not going to buy your delay tactics forever.
she's the kind of woman that marries;
and your the kind of man that worries she wants to marry you.
i'm chasing down karma and pointing it to your door.
stack the deck anyway you want.
the truth has a way of coming out.
i can wait for your life to fall apart.
your hands were never there to hold mine when i needed it,
so mine won't be there for you when she leaves you.

did i set this up so i always lose everything?
maybe i'm hard wired to be misery's bitch, but i stopped lying.
you never broke character with me or her.
how long can you keep pretending to be the man she wants you to be?
no wonder you're always sleeping, all this acting must be exhausting!
i'd beat some sense into you if i thought you could feel.
i've had my breakdown; i wonder how long it'll be until yours comes around.
i dreamed about you lying in bed with me instead of her.
i don't know if it was a nightmare but it scared me.
you and i together won't ever be, because that would be pure misery!

Console Myself

cramps, blood, pain, misery; all has befallen me.
failure, disappointment, fear, doubt; all are present here with me.
there's been a total eclipse of my soul.
crashing waves of angry thoughts beat me down.
thrashing words whip me from out of your mouth.
my savior flies south while i walk north.
there's only an echo to keep me company now!

a solemn mood has settled over me.
my emotions hesitate to be.
every color bleeds.
notice the little wrinkles on my forehead.
i'm rotting away.
my flesh dries out.
every breath is death.

despair, loneliness, sadness, madness; all perch upon my shoulders.
aches, spasms, depression, exhaustion; all kick me when i'm down.
there's a hostile take over going on in my heart.
hurling accusations hit me hard.
whirling clouds of confusion take my breath away.
my hopes took the last bus out of town.
there's only me to console myself now!

Iron Will

my iron will has rusted out
leaving me susceptible to your smarmy charms.
there's no coffin big enough to hold all my doubts,
but i'll bury myself under your false pretenses.

my escape must be flawless.
i've super glued my smile on my face.
the duct tape holds my heart in place.
i can't chase you when you aren't running.
i have to laugh at how i thought you were sincere.

my fallacy was assuming you knew how to tell the truth.
i'm exhausted from arguing with myself.
i don't have any self-esteem left to give you.
support for us is down to my left pinky finger and i'm ready to cut it off.

my ears are burning from the lies you say.
i've stuffed my heart with fat to kill it.
i'd rather die at my own hands then your demands.
misery is lonely that is why it craves company.

my cognitive distortion was my thinking you'd leave her.
magical thinking can't bring me satisfaction.
your animal magnetism blew me away.
i felt you inside of me so the emotions must be real.

my groundless accusations are gaining traction.
i was told you like dirt better then having sex with me.
you're crazy to think this hasn't become personal.
i don't want to jump to conclusions, but you leave me no where else to go.

my discretion is growing from a whisper to a shout.
the lies must stop before they take over.
i disappear behind the cold wind of winter.
for now i think i can keep a lid on myself,
but i can't tell you it's forever or just until tomorrow.

Big Bad Wolf

sunsets come and go
contagious diseases spread rapidly
obvious choices get ignored
time settles everyone down
tomorrow you don't want to wake up alone

girls become women you can't trust
emptiness follows your every step
reasons no longer add up
all your houses got blown down
love has become your big bad wolf
demons have replaced your dreams

calluses have formed over your heart
openess is a concept you forgot
utopia is a woman too desperate to ask questions
little by little the world folds in on you
ominous clouds are rolling in
misery is calling you in the middle of the night
beware the woman that loves you with all her might
everyone screws up, you just screw everyone

Melody for My Misery

i'll go emily dickinson on you;
lock myself up in my room and wear only white.
let the neighborhood children whisper about me while all i do is write.
i'll hear their laughter and use it as melody for my misery.
these poems will lay about scattered around the house until i die.
all my quirks, madness and antidotes will spread like a virus through cyber air.
these dreams i dare to dare.

i might work up the nerve to sylvia plath myself one day.
there's no expectations to live up to so i just play.
i amuse myself for hours staring at the ceiling or counting imaginary wild flowers.
life feeds off of power.
i gave mine to you, so now i wait for death like a coward.
please someone see me.
please come and get me.

i miss being human.
every door is locked.
every watch has stopped.
my windows are shuttered.
i sit and rot within my brain full of clutter.
maybe i could capture my inner poe.
i feel subtle rage when i stub my big toe.
the darkness swills down my throat.
i swallow hard so i don't choke.
bird's scare me and words fear me;
this will be my never more ending...
pity, pity, pity me!

Lock

happiness is a wonderful feeling.
joy fills you with warmth.
once upon a time i knew those feelings.
how i live in the past these days.
nothing in my present compares;
love's bittersweet taste on my tongue.
if i unwrap your last gift i'll have nothing left.

this is my place in space, locked in one moment of time.
i don't complain to anyone.
you can't unload your problems, because everyone has their own.
i'm locked into living in a moment that will never repeat.

misery is a cold black wet blanket.
sadness fills my heart with ice.
i know these feeling every damn day.
how they make my future look bleak.
i compare present to past for answers,
but none have surfaced.

i run in place, remembering the feel of your presence.
i don't bother others with these thoughts.
my problems are mental when others have real issues.
i'm locked into what you and i were meant to be.

black and white disagree but i only see gray.
in my soul there's nothing now.
i want to escape but as long as your everywhere i can't.
there's no freedom in these chains of your memory.
i get dragged down to the bottom of all that's surreal.

you locked me up with your love.
you tossed away the key when you left me.
now i sit and spin my wheels waiting for you to release me.
i don't know how to open the lock without you.
just come back for an hour.

Circles

i circle...
i walk in circles.
i talk in circles.
i live in circles.
i think in circles.
i love in circles.
at the end of each rotation the men switch out,
like a tag team wrestling match,
another man is always ready to step onto the mat.
and it's as good as over as soon as we meet.
he wins then slaps the next guy on the hand to walk the circle with me,
but there's no breaking out of the circle i've created for myself.
no, i'm locked in a circle of unending misry.
maybe when God drop kicks me to the pits of hell,
maybe then, the circle will get broken!

Stray Bullet

i'm packing up the emotional baggage you left me
i'm unloading all the crap you piled on me
the sky is clear and blue
there's too much living for me to do
for me to waste away hanging on to you.

good bye, simple and complete.
i've taken your memories and set them free.
i know you no longer think of me.
now it's time for me to say Good bye.

you ripped into me like a stray bullet from a drive by
and now i'm the one picking at the scabs.
i broke myself down, wiped myself clean.
now i'm rebuilding myself better then before.

i'm throwing away the pictures.
i've deleted all the digital links between us.
the sun is shining and it's warm,
i've got myself jazzed to be alive.
there's no more reasons to cry.

good bye, no conditions or exceptions.
i've turned off my misery.
i was struggling like a person on crutches
and it was weighing me down with sorrow.
i feel jubilant and buoyant.
now that i am focused on tomorrow.

good bye to you and your critical world.
good bye to you for good!

Whirlwind

throw away the trash, feed the dog
calm the thoughts racing through my head
put away the dishes, take my medicine
tell myself this is part of the plan
pay the bills, fold the laundry
suppress the heavy sighs and bored yawns
this is the glamorous life you left me

run the vacuum, sweep the floor
hope there's another chance outside my door
clip the coupons, go to the store
i thought there would be more
clean out the garage, walk the dog
your leaving me caught me off guard
the legacy of us fits into one trash bin

clean the toilets, change the sheets
i didn't know you had gotten cold feet
cancel the credit cards, forward the mail
the house echoes silence in your absence
take a shower, change my clothes
everything is moving in slow motion
the whirlwind sucked us in and destoyed us

burn the scrapbook, wipe away my tears
i've lingered too long on my fears
write down the pain, drink some more wine
i'm giving myself one last night to be contrite
glue my heart back together, put away my misery
i'm accepting your final exit and moving on
i'm checking getting over you off my to do list!

Zombie

april showers won't bring me may flowers.
i feel sad.
the sun shines brightly.
the birds are singing a joyous song,
but i feel sad all day long.
i live in between the past and the present
like a self-created limbo.

4:21 AM i can't sleep again.
images of you taunting me.
your kisses damned me to this barely here existence.
i can't even masterbate anymore.
you robbed me of all pleasures.
i've gained seven pounds of depression.

my monthly bloating and cramping are here.
another reminder i wasn't good enough.
if i don't crawl out of this pain soon
they're just going to abandon me here.
i can already hear the exasperation in their voices.
the down side to bipolar is every one gets tired of your mood swings.

i'm stuck on misery.
from january to april i have mourned you.
my grieving has consumed me
and i've tried to consume enough pizza for sixty.
nothing satisfies my cravings for your touch.

april showers won't bring the power to forget you.
i feel sad.
the dog rolls happily in the grass.
i hear the laughter of children playing,
but i feel sad every day.
i live in a perpetual state of a self-induced zombie like state.

I'm Depressed.

i'm depressed. i reached this conclusion as i undressed.
i lay in bed unwilling to move.
each day is full of endless seconds without you.
i thought we'd never end, but abruptly, we did!
what's the point of telling me you love me,
when you just left me cold and alone?

i'm depressed. i stare at the computer feeling worthless.
i shove food in my mouth hoping to fill the hole you left inside of me.
i am unmotivated and uninterested.
what used to enthrall me, bores me now.
when you cut me off you cut out my heart too!

i'm depressed. i confess the pills aren't effective.
i feel the slide down the slope of despair picking up speed.
every ache, every pain, i blame on you.
i try to occupy these hollow hours where you used to be,
but nothing sets my tortured soul free.

i'm depressed. you'd laugh and declare me a drama queen.
i miss the little things, that annoyed me the most.
do you feel better now?
or like me, are you still trying to exorcise the ghost of us?
i feel incomplete, like there was no closure.
you felt otherwise, because you don't answer my calls.

i'm depressed. i only hope time will undo my emotional mess!

Chain Thinking

i get up out of bed. i hear a drum beating inside my head.
my stomach's upset. nothing found to settle it yet.
a million thoughts running through my head.
no peace inside. no calm or time to ponder.
it is what it is. no ability here. no skill set.
zero accomplished. no spell check. am i a minority yet?

faster doesn't make me better. hands shaking.
clothes dripping in sweat. i'm hoping you haven't noticed it.
this paradox i'm trapped against will be my death march.
corporate ladder or funeral procession, no difference to me.
just one more day to cross off of the calendar.

i'm frenzied on the inside. quiet and cold on the outside.
i can't let it unfold. i need to uphold my image.
smile and nod. ask a pertinent question.
do as i am told. give the right answers.
choice is null and void. i have to do this.

pull myself out of bed. get dressed.
suppress the urge to call in sick.
get in line. do the corporate grind.
my future is bleak as i live week to week.
another day with drums beating in my head.
out the door. on my way so i get paid.

more caffeine instead of booze.
i hate that i have to choose.
got a song in my ear. i want to sing along,
but i can't cuz i'm in the office with my headphones on.
won't make that mistake again!

the clock goes slow. slower then slow.
all i want is for 5 o'clock to arrive.
i want to go. i love it. nothing like it.
i tell myself every day. i say, yeah, baby,
you're living the american dream!!!
one day maybe i'll believe me~!

Dim

i wish life was easy for me.
i've used up all my get out of jail free cards.
now i'm watching the clock wind down.
i'm not sure if dying would be such a bad thing,
since the life i'm living isn't much.
only two people would miss me anyways.

i've put myself on cruise control.
my mind is playing tricks on me.
i thought i already wrote this down,
but the piece of paper couldn't be found.

i hate every day now.
i want to change, as long as it's free.
today i can't afford to exist.
every breath costs me fify cents.
i'm ready to go out of business.
it's time to close out this mess.

i'm not big on optimism.
i wallow in misery.
my happy dreams dangle in front of me,
like a carrot on a stick to a horse.
i keep stepping forward with no ambition.
i know i'll never win.
losing has become my best friend.

i don't know where this is going.
i swear i had a point when i began.
but it fled my brain and now the ink runs red.
i wish i could be brilliant,
but my light has always been set to dim.

Two Percent

caught up in my emotional hurricane,
never stopping to take a break.
one day i'm going to cave.
trying to hold up against the storm.
board up the windows and lock the doors.
i just got to wait until it fades.

no amount of prayer can bail me out.
the damage is all around me
and i can't find a way out.
i pick up the pieces
and try to clean up after myself,
but at the end of the day i am not done.
i worry it'll never be okay.

the clock has run out on me.
i can try but never do.
the rain pours down on me.
my inner winds never die down.
i've built up a person
i can't support.
there's nothing i can do,
but watch it all burn.

caught up in the wildfire of my mistakes.
unable to see through the smoke.
i'm trying to put out my misery,
but it's only two percent contained.
trying to hold off the collapse,
but the firing is rolling in,
and i don't have enough to put out the flames.
this the day i finally cave!

Bugs

driving down this endless road,
my hand out the window,
trying to catch the wind.
the bugs sting my palm as their
guts stain my hand red.
i try to focus on the lights ahead,
but the darkness swallows them one by one.

i keep running.
i don't know why.
i'm not searching for anything,
because i know there's nothing to find.
i think as little as possible.
i'll stop running when my pain ends.
but i don't know when that'll be.

i keep my head down as the strangers walk past.
my eyes have secrets and
i keep my secrets to myself.
i'd seek forgiveness for my sins
if i thought my soul was worth it.

i keep running.
i never get tired of the path.
i circle around when i get to a dead end.
i know my running will never end.
i can't out run this pain i'm in.

if i dare to remember the pain rips me in half.
there's too many emotional bombs set to go off in my past.
relflection gets me nothing but misery.
i'm neck deep in fake sympathy.
no one understands, so i keep running.
until one day i pray my pain will end.

At My Door

you never bought me flowers.
you seldom call first.
i never complained about doing all the work.
because i thought you were worth it.

you never lied to me.
you told me exactly how you felt.
i never spoke up about how you misjudged me.
because i thought time would reveal the truth.

you laid down all the rules.
you made all the decisions.
i never objected about what i thought was your short sightedness.
because i thought it was obvious.

you never indulged my fears.
you never babied me.
i never asked you about why it had to be now.
because your leaving hurts.

you are the strong minded one.
you are the one whose miserable.
i never questioned you about your complex methods.
because i hoped you end up at my door.

There You Are

i need some direction.
i need a little love and protection.
i need to fall into your arms.
that's where i belong.
i felt you in my heart.
the distance doesn't factor.
you're imprinted on my soul,
with you so far away,
i'm constantly in pain.

i lie down on the couch.
i close my eyes and there you are.
the smile, the blue eyes, the crooked teeth.
the laughter you give me.
the look that tells me you need me.
i just close my eyes and there you are.
if i could i'd lie here all day,
just to avoid the pain.

i need to hear you are okay.
i need reminded that you're mine.
i need some reassurances you feel the same.
i need your lips on mine,
that's where they belong.
i felt the heat in your touch.
every mile we're apart disappears when i dwell upon these thoughts.
your memory steadies me.
without you near i feel like i'm going insane.

so i lie down on the couch.
i close my eyes and there you are.

Missing You Today

i'm missing you today.
like the echo of my voice,
i wish you'd come back.
my heart aches when i watch you move,
technology brings you back,
like a ghost I can't touch
the screen breathes life back into your memory.
i can remember the last time I heard your voice,
you told me you loved me and i said i love you too.
they wheeled you away to recovery,
but you never made it to tomorrow.
no you never made it out of the hospital.

i miss you today.
more then i have in years.
time takes away the pain,
until you see something that reminds you.
it's hard to be here without you.
i wonder who got the short end of the stick.
you aren't suffering and i'll i do is hurt.
i want to be free of this earthly plain,
but i'm not given up, that's God's plan,
i'm not superior enough to think i can decide
if i should live or die.
i wish you could tell me to snap out of it.
you always spoke up and told me like it is.
i thought i'd lost that, but i have him now.

i miss you today.
i think you'd like him better then me.
he keeps me in check, telling me when i'm crazy
he laughs at me when i'm silly
and he tells me what i need to hear
the truth rolls from his tongue and it's sweeter then sugar bombs.
you'd think it's about time, why did it take me so long.
you just wanted perfection for your little girl,
but i never measured up, but you loved me anyways.
i wanted to be more and i would give away the world
if i could just see your smile one more time.

i miss you today.
christmas plays emotional games on me.
i can't stop crying.
i wish i could go see you in some time warp.
a video is not enough.