Verb

i lay in bed mesmerized by the ceiling again.
i close my eyes and i see light and dark.
the shadows chase me when i try to sleep.
i feel my face with my fingertips.
i press against the bone underneath my flesh.
i feel caged in and i want to dig my nails into my skin
and tear away what brings me pain.

the path is getting narrow.
the darkness is getting stronger.
i'm turning into a being of pure feeling.
my senses are reeling.
i don't know if it's the drugs leaving or the real me being.

this life of people, lies, and sex smells like shit.
i want to break my own neck.
when the sun hides, when the clouds conceal; that's when my mind comes alive.
i spin through a billion thoughts.
i'm devoured nerve by nerve.
the air is pushing down and in on me.
all i suffer is never enough.

sacrifice me at your will.
i'm breaking down.
i can't stay wrapped up in a bubble.
i think too damn much.
i am power; raw, sensual, sexual fire.
all the reality blurs as my world collapses with one word, verb!

Ashamed

i couldn't think and i couldn't sleep,
so i did what i could and i sat down to weep.
i cried for all the years of pain.
every tear filled with my agony.
i cried for all the times i let time get away from me.
like a fool, i swore i could turn the tide,
but here i am years on down the road
and i am the same, completely, unchanged.

i'm so ashamed.
a victim of self-help fads.
i helped myself into a pit of pity.
i'm sorry for what i didn't do,
but redemption is empty when the pain's already been dealt.
i'm so ashamed.

my whole life has been about who i could be,
but i never took the time to see who i am.
i stumble on blind.
i look in the mirror without any recognition.
i let it all go.
i let my standards slide.
i don't know anything anymore.
i'm right back to where i was when i was born.
i'm raw and naked and undeveloped.

and ashamed of myself, so ashamed of everything
i did and all that i could've have done to make
life better, but didn't do because of fear.