Misery's Bitch

did you find that rabbit hole where you were hoping to find your soul?
i fell into an invisible man.
he missed what he never did understand.
he's fed, fat and happy, but i'm plotting the perfect moment for my revenge.
the cold air nuzzles my neck and chokes on my cigarette.
i'm riding his hot air to the clouds and sliding to hell on his icy stare.
there's loves embrace and fear's kisses all jumbled up inside my memories of him.

do you keep her next to your shiny new car like a trophy that says you're a star?
she thinks you're in love with her, but we both know that's not true.
loneliness stalks you with every lie you utter to her.
she's not going to buy your delay tactics forever.
she's the kind of woman that marries;
and your the kind of man that worries she wants to marry you.
i'm chasing down karma and pointing it to your door.
stack the deck anyway you want.
the truth has a way of coming out.
i can wait for your life to fall apart.
your hands were never there to hold mine when i needed it,
so mine won't be there for you when she leaves you.

did i set this up so i always lose everything?
maybe i'm hard wired to be misery's bitch, but i stopped lying.
you never broke character with me or her.
how long can you keep pretending to be the man she wants you to be?
no wonder you're always sleeping, all this acting must be exhausting!
i'd beat some sense into you if i thought you could feel.
i've had my breakdown; i wonder how long it'll be until yours comes around.
i dreamed about you lying in bed with me instead of her.
i don't know if it was a nightmare but it scared me.
you and i together won't ever be, because that would be pure misery!

Verb

i lay in bed mesmerized by the ceiling again.
i close my eyes and i see light and dark.
the shadows chase me when i try to sleep.
i feel my face with my fingertips.
i press against the bone underneath my flesh.
i feel caged in and i want to dig my nails into my skin
and tear away what brings me pain.

the path is getting narrow.
the darkness is getting stronger.
i'm turning into a being of pure feeling.
my senses are reeling.
i don't know if it's the drugs leaving or the real me being.

this life of people, lies, and sex smells like shit.
i want to break my own neck.
when the sun hides, when the clouds conceal; that's when my mind comes alive.
i spin through a billion thoughts.
i'm devoured nerve by nerve.
the air is pushing down and in on me.
all i suffer is never enough.

sacrifice me at your will.
i'm breaking down.
i can't stay wrapped up in a bubble.
i think too damn much.
i am power; raw, sensual, sexual fire.
all the reality blurs as my world collapses with one word, verb!

Overworked!

my mind is racing.
my heart is chasing shadows again.
i search for meaning behind the words i am reading,
but i am lost.

i am spending too many hours working for my paycheck
and not enough towards saving my soul.
my 5th straight week with nearly 60 hours worked.
i've forgotten where work ends and my life is supposed to begin.

there's no relief in sight for this overtime
and the worst part is i'm salary.
so the more i work, the more my hourly rate drops.

i'm so tired.
last night i even worked in my sleep.
i don't know how much longer i can keep this pace.
my butt and lower back have constant cramps.

i work at work.
i work at home.
i even answer emails when i'm on the road.

i'm burning this tight rope from both ends.
i have no safety net to break my fall.
i've use the past 20 minutes to walk around and stretch.
the day started at 6am and it shows no sign of ending.

this is just the beginning.
the busy season begins in september.
i have until the end of august to get all my systems in a row.
then we dig into our backlog of work.
my vacation will be working ones.

this has to be why 1 out of 4 americans are depressed.
i'm overworked and stressed.
i have sharp pains in my chest.
i'm thankful for the job, but work knows it.
it's still hard to find work.

the economy is not as recovered as dc hoped.
so i think i will find a way to cope.
most of my coping skills are destructive.
i need to learn some new tricks.

my 20 minutes are up.
it's back to the keyboard.
bck to work.
am i wicked?
cuz i hear there's no rest for the wicked!

Suppression

i stay still.
if i move i'll ruin this moment.
two dogs peacefully snoring.
i try not to make any noise.
i find myself yearning to sneeze.

i fight for control over my body.
now my foot itches.
it's a common battle,
since the dawn of man,
we've tried to suppress ourselves.

i feel like laughing,
but i just smile.
it's been awhile since
i felt this torn.
my feet are falling asleep.

i'm tired too,
but i don't want to get up.
is it friday yet?
my moment of quiet content
is slipping away.
i want to hold on to it,
but i know it won't stay.

the snoring continues,
as i wonder how much longer
i can suppress the urge to use the bathroom!